"Wot's a microbe, Sam?" inquired Bill Gerridge, putting down his
pipe, and looking up from the paper which he had been laboriously
reading for the last quarter of an hour.
"A microbe!" repeated Sam doubtfully. "Why a sort o' hinsect--ain't
it, Mr. Parbury?"
"Well, it ain't exactly a insect," answered Mr. Parbury with some
deliberation. "More like a reptile, as yer might say. Somethin'
arter the nature of a rat with wings."
"Kind o' bat?" put in Bill.
"You've got it," agreed Mr. Parbury. "Any'ow, they're dangerous
beasts."
"'Ow's that?" asked Sam.
Mr. Parbury took a long pull at his pewter tankard, and then replaced
it on the table. "Yer know wot a mad dog's like, don't yer?" he said
impressively. "Well, yer can take it from me that a mad dog ain't in
it with a microbe. Once a microbe gets a fair 'old on yer, ye're a
goner an' no error."
"Why?" demanded Bill sceptically. "Wot do they do to yer?"
"Do to yer?" echoed Mr. Parbury. "Poisons yer! That's wot they do
to yer. Each microbe's got some special disease of 'is own like, and
'e only 'as to get in one nip an' 'e can pass it on--see?"
"Why don't they muzzle 'em or stamp 'em out?" suggested Sam, who had
a practical mind.
Mr. Parbury laughed scornfully. "Ah!" he said, "that would take a
bit o' doin', that would. The only chaps wot understands the way to
deal with microbes is doctors. They get so used to 'em they can
'andle 'em like terriers. Didn't I never tell yer that yarn o'
Spikey Joe's, 'bout the doctor wot were in the Scrubs same time as 'e
were?"
Sam shook his head, while Bill's naturally expressionless face
betrayed no sign of recognition.
"Fancy my not 'avin' told yer that," said Mr. Parbury musingly.
"Wonnerful interestin' story too. If I weren't so uncommon dry, I'd
tell it yer now."
Sam waited a moment or two to see if Bill were going to speak, and
then remarked with a faint touch of resentment in his voice:
"Give it a name, Mr. Parbury."
Comfortably installed, with a fresh "bitter and Burton" at his elbow,
Mr. Parbury repeated, nodding his head and smiling gently to himself,
"It's a wonnerful interestin' story, that is. Spikey Joe told it to
me 'isself one night at the Star and Anchor. Ye mind 'ow 'e got into
trouble 'bout four years back, on account o' knockin' a copper over
the 'ead?"
"It wasn't the 'ead," said Sam. "It was the stummick."
Mr. Parbury waved aside the objection as unimportant. "Well, any'ow
'e got two o' the best for it, and it were while 'e were doin' 'is
bit in the Scrubs as 'e come across the doctor. 'E were a clever
sort o' chap were this 'ere doctor, but some'ow 'e'd gone the pace a
bit too 'ot, an' got 'isself in for forgery, see?
"They shoved 'im in the cell next to Spikey Joe, the bloke wot 'ad
been there previous 'avin' been took bad with the cholera, and sent
off to the 'orspital. The fact were as 'e'd been bit by a microbe in
'is sleep, but o' course the warders didn't know nothin' about that,
'cause, 'aving been asleep at the time, 'e didn't know it 'isself.
So, without meanin' no 'arm, they goes and shoves the doctor in there
in 'is place.
"Well, one night this doctor were a-settin' quiet on 'is plank bed,
thinkin' 'ow nice it would be when 'is time were up, when all of a
sudden out pops the microbe. 'E'd found out as there were someone
fresh in the cell, an' it seemed to 'im that 'e might as well 'ave a
bite at this cove same as t'other one. Course, 'e 'adn't no idea as
'ow it were a doctor, or 'e'd 'a' laid low. D'rectly 'e come out 'e
sees 'is mistake, an' stops as if 'e were paralyzed.
"'Stead o' jumpin' up an' gettin' flustered, same as you or me might
do if we run across a microbe unexpected like, the doctor 'e just
sits there an' smiles to 'isself. Ye see, 'e'd 'andled 'undreds of
'em in 'is time, an' knew wot to do.
"'Come 'ere,' 'e says, fixin' 'im stern like with 'is eye, an' as
soon as ever 'e spoke the microbe come to 'im as quiet as a lamb an'
tremblin' all over. 'E saw as 'ow 'e'd met 'is master.
"Now the doctor were a soft-'earted sort o' chap, and 'e kind o' took
to that microbe from the first. In about a week 'e'd made a reg'lar
pet of it. When the warder wot brought 'im 'is dinner 'ad gone away
an' shut the door cell, 'e'd give a gentle whistle, an' the microbe'd
come 'oppin' out of its 'ole as friendly as yer please. It used to
climb up 'is leg an' sit on 'is knee while 'e 'ad 'is dinner, an'
'e'd always leave a little drop o' skilly for it at the bottom o' the
bowl. When it 'ad lapped that up, 'e'd sit there an' scratch 'is
'ead, same as if it were a cat or a dog."
"Didn't it never 'ave a snap at 'im?" inquired Sam.
"Not it," retorted Mr. Parbury. "Why, it were that contented an'
'appy that Joe used to 'ear it purrin' through the wall. If it
'adn't been for one o' the warders, there wouldn't never 'ave been no
trouble at all. This 'ere warder--Jackson 'is name was--were wot
they calls a Socialist. 'E 'ated the very sight of a nob, consekence
o' which 'e were always 'avin' 'is knife into the doctor. One
evenin' 'e was a-goin' on 'is rounds when 'e 'eard the microbe
purrin' inside the doctor's cell. So 'e kneels down, an' 'as a
squint through the peep'ole. There 'e sees the doctor with the
microbe on 'is knee, tryin' to teach it to sit up and beg.
"'Wotcher got there,' 'e says, openin' the door sudden, 'a rat?'
"'No,' says the doctor, without so much as lookin' up. ''E's a
microbe--a cholera microbe.'
"Bein' a hunedjicated sort o' bloke, the warder thought as 'ow 'e
were bein' got at.
"'Ho! a cholera microbe, is 'e?' 'e says, very sarcastic. 'Well
per'aps when you've quite done with 'im, you'll be kind enough to
'and 'im over to me. We don't allow no pets in this 'ere prison.
You'll be reported for this--that's wot you'll be.'
"'Don't get excited about it,' says the doctor, quite cool, 'or
you'll bust your 'eart--that's wot you'll do.'
"'I'll teach yer to give me any o' your lip,' says the warder,
steppin' forward an' liftin' up 'is 'and threatenin' like.
"Afore 'e could so much as wink, the microbe gives one 'orrid sort o'
snarl, and springs straight at 'is throat like a blood'ound. 'E sees
it comin', and flings up the other 'and to guard 'isself. 'E were
on'y just in time, too, for the microbe's teeth come together with a
snap wot took the top clean off 'is little finger."
"Wot! clean orf?" interrupted Bill incredulously.
"As clean as if it 'ad been cut with a knife," repeated Mr. Parbury
firmly. "The warder 'e turns round with a yell o' terror an' makes a
bolt for the door. As 'e slams it be'ind 'im 'e 'ears the doctor
a-laughin' fit to die, an' tellin' the microbe to drop the bit of
finger wot 'e 'ad in 's mouth. 'E goes straight orf to the 'ead
warder as 'ard as ever 'e can lick. 'Look 'ere!' 'e says, 'oldin' up
'is finger, or rather wot were left of it.
"'Been cuttin' bread an' butter, Jackson?' says the 'ead warder, wot
fancied 'isself as a wit.
"'No I ain't,' says Jackson, a bit unpleasant like. (Bein' a
Socialist, ye see, 'e 'adn't got much sense of humour.) 'It's that
there microbe o' B24's,' 'e adds, 'and afore I go near 'im again I'll
see myself and the 'ole bloomin' prison busted, I will.'
"'Wot are yer talkin' about?' says the 'ead warder.
"Then Jackson tells 'im all about 'ow it 'appened jest slippin' in a
little bit 'ere and there to make it more impressive-like. 'Talk
about tigers,' 'e finishes, 'why 'e come at me like a ragin' cyclone.
If I 'adn't kep' cool an' landed 'im one on the snout I b'lieve 'e'd
'a' tore my windpipe out.'
"'An' wot were B24 a-doin' while the melly were in progress?' said
the 'ead warder, takin' out 'is notebook."
"While the wot were in progress?" interrupted Bill and Sam at the
same moment.
Mr. Parbury looked at them pityingly. "That's Eytalion for a scrap,"
he explained. "'Doin' of?' repeated Jackson, 'why, 'e were
a-cheerin' of 'im on. I tells you they're 'and in glove
together--that's wot they are--'and in glove. If ye don't believe me
come an' 'ave a look at 'em yourself.'
"'Not me,' says the 'ead warder. 'I don't want no tops bitten orf my
fingers. This 'ere's a case for the guv'nor, this is.'
"So as soon as ever Jackson 'ad 'ad 'is 'and tied up proper, 'e and
the 'ead warder goes along to the gov'nor's room. 'E were a retired
colonel, were this 'ere guv'nor, an' Spikey Joe says as 'ow 'is
language were that 'ot at times as even the convicts useter shiver to
'ear it.
"'Well,' 'e says, when 'e sees the 'ead warder and Jackson, 'wot the
blazes is up now? Can't I never 'ave no peace?'
"The 'ead warder 'e salutes. 'Beg pardon, sir,' 'e says, 'but
Jackson 'ere's just lost the top of 'is little finger.'
"'Well, I 'aven't got the damned thing,' shouts the guv'nor. 'Wot's
the good 'o comin' to me?'
"'It's a matter o' Gov'rnment property,' says the 'ead warder, 'an'
accordin' to the regulations I 'as to account for its loss.'
"'Account for it then,' says the guv'nor, 'an' don't stand there like
a couple o' blistered idjuts.'
"Then Jackson 'e ups an' tells 'is story again, makin' out this time
as 'ow 'e'd fought that microbe for a matter o' ten minutes until the
doctor 'ad begun clubbin' 'im over the 'ead from be'ind with a boot.
"'I'll soon put a stop to this sort o' thing,' says the guv'nor
hotly, as soon as 'e'd finished. 'I ain't goin' to 'ave none of 'is
Majesty's prisons bossed by no bloomin' microbe. You run along an'
fetch 'em both 'ere, an' look sharp about it.'
"The 'ead warder 'e turns to the second warder. 'Jackson,' 'e says,
'go and fetch B24, and see that 'e brings the microbe along with 'im.'
"The second warder shifts uneasy-like from one foot to the other.
"'Well, wot are ye waitin' for?' says the 'ead warder very fierce.
'Are yer afraid?'
"'I ain't afraid o' no convict,' says the second warder sulkily, 'but
I don't fancy tacklin' this 'ere microbe again, an' that's straight.'
"'You hear that, sir?' says the 'ead warder, turnin' to the guv'nor.
''E's a coward!'
"'Oh, well,' says the guv'nor, 'it's very nachural in a hunedjicated
man. You fetch 'im yourself, Simpson.'
"The 'ead warder turns a bit pale. ''Ave you thought, sir,' he says,
'as 'ow it may be dangerous bringin' of 'em in 'ere? 'E's a
desperate character, this B24, an' 'e might set the microbe at you,
sir.'
"The guv'nor draws 'isself up proudly. 'A English orficer ain't
afraid o' no darn microbe,' 'e says. 'You go along an' fetch 'im.'
"The second warder smiles.
"'An' you go with 'im,' says the guv'nor, 'an' 'urry up, the pair of
yer.'
"The 'ead warder an' Jackson salutes, an' goes out o' the room
lookin' about as 'appy as a pair o' blokes a-marchin' orf to the
gallows.
"Jest afore they gets to the door o' the cell, the 'ead warder lays
'is 'and on Jackson's shoulder. 'Jackson,' says 'e, 'one of us 'as
got to open this 'ere door.'
"Jackson nods 'is 'ead, and puts 'is uninjured 'and into 'is pocket.
'That's so,' says 'e.
"'Jackson,' says the 'ead warder again, an' 'is voice shook like a
haspen tree, 'Jackson, I'm a married man.'
"'I knows that,' says Jackson softly. 'An' 'avin' seen your missus,
I can understand 'ow it is you don't mind takin' a few risks.'
"'You ain't doin' yourself no good by bein' insolent,' says the 'ead
warder 'otly. 'You go and open that there door, or you'll be losin'
your job afore ye're many minutes older.'
"''Tain't my business to open the door,' says Jackson in an obstinate
voice. 'You're the 'ead warder, an' you 'as a right to the post of
danger. Besides, maybe the microbe won't bite you. 'E looks a bit
partikler.'
"The 'ead warder gets very red in the face an' breathes 'ard through
'is nose. 'If I 'ad you outside the prison, my lad,' 'e begins, an'
then rememberin' 'is position 'e pulls 'isself together, an' walks
orf towards the door o' the cell.
"'E were that there riled that 'e as near as possible turned the key
'an went in without realizin' wot 'e were playin' at. Jest as 'e 'ad
'is 'and on the door, 'owever, 'e suddenly comes to 'is senses, an' I
tells yer it give 'im a fair shiver all over to think 'ow near 'e'd
been to doin' it. 'E bends down 'is 'ead an' listens, an' 'e 'ears
the microbe a-grindin' of 'is teeth an' the doctor tryin' to quiet
'im down.
"'B24,' says 'e, rappin' at the door, an' tryin' to keep 'is voice
steady.
"'I b'lieve I 'ave that honour,' says the doctor.
"'The guv'nor wishes to see yer immedjut.'
"'How! does 'e?' says the doctor, 'that shows 'is good taste.'
"The 'ead warder 'esitates a moment. 'If I opens this door,' says
'e, 'will yer promise to keep that there microbe o' yourn from flyin'
at me?'
"The doctor laughs 'earty. ''E won't touch yer if yer don't worry
'im,' 'e says. 'Jest keep that lop-eared Jackson out o' the light,
an' turn yer own face away, an' 'e'll be as quiet as a lamb, won't
yer, old boy?'
"The microbe gives a kind o' snarl, much as to say 'e weren't so sure
about it.
"Seein' as 'ow the guv'nor were waitin', 'owever, and there weren't
no 'elp for it, the 'ead warder turns the key an' pushes open the
door o' the cell. Jackson e' takes a couple o' 'asty steps down a
side passage, an' out comes the doctor with the microbe a-sittin' on
'is shoulder. When 'e sees the 'ead warder 'e fair chatters with
rage."
"Who does," asks Sam, "the doctor?"
"No, the microbe, o' course," answered Mr. Parbury; "an' wot's more,
if yer goes on interruptin' yer can finish the bloomin' story
yerself."
"Don't mind old Sam, Mr. Parbury," put in Bill consolingly. "'E
don't never get no chanst to open 'is mouth at 'ome, so 'e 'as to let
a bit of steam off when 'e's out."
Sam was just thinking hard of something unpleasant to say in return,
when Mr. Parbury again took up the thread of his narrative.
"The doctor follows the 'ead warder along the passages to the
guv'nor's room, Jackson comin' along slowly some ten yards be'ind.
All the time the microbe kep' on grindin' of 'is teeth and lickin' of
'is lips in a way that made the 'ead warder's 'eart jump up an' down
like a piston-rod. At last they reaches the guv'nor's room, an' the
'ead warder felt as if 'e'd got to 'Eaven. 'E gives a couple of
quiet knocks an' then steps 'astily aside.
"'Come in,' sings out the guv'nor.
"The doctor pushes open the door an' walks into the room. The 'ead
warder an' Jackson follows behind, tryin' to look as if they'd just
let go of 'im. 'B24, sir,' says the 'ead warder, salutin'; 'an' the
microbe,' 'e adds as a kinder afterthought.
"The guv'nor was standing by the window with one 'and under 'is coat.
"'Ho!' says 'e, 'so you're the fellow wot's upsettin' o' my prison
and bitin' orf my warder's fingers, eh?'
"'Not guilty, colonel,' says the doctor, laughin' as cool an'
friendly as if 'e'd just dropped into 'ave a drink. 'It's our little
friend 'ere,' an' 'e pats the microbe's head. 'I only 'ope 'e 'asn't
poisoned 'isself,' 'e finishes, lookin' at Jackson.
"'Well, I can't 'ave it,' says the guv'nor. 'Warders are Gov'rnment
property, an' as such I'm responsible for 'em to the 'Ome Secret'ry.
Besides it's against the prison reg'lations for prisoners to 'ave
pets. Take it away from 'im, Simpson.'
"The 'ead warder goes very white, but 'e shuts 'is eyes for a second
an' thinks of 'is pension, an' some'ow or other 'is courage come back
to 'im. 'E takes one step forward, but as 'e does so, the microbe
gives a angry kinder squeal an' leaps orf the doctor's shoulder
straight at the guv'nor. The old man sees it comin', an' quick as a
flash, 'e whips out a squisher from under 'is coat."
"Wot's a squisher?" asked Bill.
"Why, one o' them bottles with a toobe an' a hinjarubber bulb. Y'
see, bein' a hedjicated man, the guv'nor knew as 'ow there was only
one way o' dealin' with a microbe an' that were kerbolic acid. One
drop of kerbolic acid will lay out the 'ealthiest microbe--stops 'is
'eart at once. So while the 'ead warder an' Jackson 'ad been out o'
the room, 'e'd gone an' got a squisher an' filled it up with kerbolic
acid in case of accidents. D'rectly 'e sees the microbe comin' for
'im, 'e whips it out an' lets drive. But the microbe were that
cunning that when 'e sniffs the kerbolic acid 'e shuts 'is wings an'
drops on the floor like a stone. The kerbolic acid goes over 'is
'ead an' as near as possible 'its Jackson in the eye. Then, afore
the guv'nor could get in a second squish, the microbe nips in an' 'as
'im by the calf o' the leg.
"It 'ad all 'appened so sudden-like that the 'ead warder an' Jackson
were fair took by surprise. D'rectly they sees the microbe catch
'old of the guv'nor, 'owever, they both dashes forward an' seizes the
doctor. The guv'nor were 'oppin' round the room tryin' to get in a
second shot with the squisher, an' cussin' an' swearin' something
awful. Spikey Joe says from the samples of 'is language as reached
the cells it's a marvel the microbe didn't drop 'is jaw and let go.
"'Call 'im orf--call 'im orf,' 'e shouts to the doctor.
"'Well, call your microbes orf,' says the doctor, alludin' rude-like
to Jackson and the 'ead warder.
"'Let go of 'im, you idjuts!' roars the guv'nor, 'oldin' on to the
table an' tryin' to kick the microbe with 'is other foot.
"They drops the doctor's arms, an' 'e starts rearrangin' the collar
of 'is coat.
"''Urry up! 'Urry up, man!' yells the guv'nor.
"'All right,' says the doctor coolly. ''Ere, Cholera! Cholera!'
"As soon as 'e calls, the microbe, wot all the time 'ad been 'angin'
on like grim death, lets go 'is grip, an' comes 'oppin' back to 'im,
waggin' of 'is tail an' purrin' like anything."
"But why did 'e let go when the doctor says 'Collar 'er'?" objected
Sam; "that would 'ave made 'im 'ang on all the 'arder."
"Not collar 'er, stupid," retorted Mr. Parbury impatiently;
"cholera--see? Cholera microbe!"
"'Ow! I see--'is name like."
"Jest so," assented Mr. Parbury. "Well, when Jackson an' the 'ead
warder sees the microbe comin' back, they lets go the doctor an' runs
to 'elp the guv'nor.
"'Don't come messin' about me,' yells the guv'nor. 'One of yer ketch
'old o' that ruffian, an' the other fetch the prison doctor.'
"'E's away for the day, sir,' says the 'ead warder. 'Shall I go
outside and find another for yer? Jackson'll 'old on to B24.'
"''Tain't no use,' says the doctor, breakin' in with a 'orrid sorter
laugh. ''E'll be too late. Ye'll both 'ave the cholera in 'alf an
hour unless I gives yer the hantydote.'"
"Wot's that?" demanded Sam.
"Kinder secret medicine," explained Mr. Parbury. "Jest like each
microbe's got 'is special poison, so each poison's got 'is special
hantydote. Bein', as I said afore, a hedjicated man, the guv'nor
sees the force of wot the doctor says.
"'Ye wouldn't murder us, man?' he says.
"'I ain't got no grudge against you,' answers the doctor. 'If ye
promises me on yer word as a English orficer yell let me keep the
microbe an' won't take no further notice o' this hincident, I'll save
yer life.'
"'An' wot about me?' cried Jackson, as was already beginnin' to feel
a bit un'appy like inside.
"'Oh, you'll 'ave to go through it.'
"Jackson busts out a-sobbin', and the guv'nor draws 'isself up proud.
"'A English orficer don't desert 'is subordinates,' 'e says. 'You
must attend to 'im, too--after you done me.'
"'Right y'are,' says the doctor; 'in that case you'll 'ave to put in
a application to 'ave my sentence rejooced.'
"'I'll see you 'ung first,' shouts the guv'nor.
"The doctor shakes 'is 'ead. 'I may be 'ung,' 'e says, 'but you
won't see it. You'll be in the morchury.'
"The guv'nor starts explaining as a English orficer weren't afeared
o' death but the doctor cuts 'im short by pointin' out that every
minute 'e were talkin, the cholera were gettin' a better grip on 'im.
"That settles it, and they all goes orf to the prison surgery--the
'ead warder 'elpin' Jackson, an' askin' 'im kind like whether there
weren't no messages 'e could give for 'im after 'e was dead."
"Time, gentlemen, please--time!" The gruff voice of the landlord
broke in rudely.
"That's always the way," remarked Bill bitterly, "jest as ye're
gettin' interested in the conversation."
"But wot 'appened?" demanded Sam eagerly. "Did 'e cure 'em?"
"'E cured 'em right enough," replied Mr. Parbury. "Leastways 'e
cured the guv'nor. Jackson 'ad a go o' cholera, but 'e managed to
pull through."
"And did the guv'nor get 'is sentence rejooced?"
Mr. Parbury carefully finished the contents of his tankard and
replaced it on the bar.
"Yes," he said, "'e were a orficer an' a gentleman, an' e' kep' 'is
word. 'E told the 'Ome Secret'ry as 'ow 'e thought it weren't right
on the grounds of 'ealth to keep the doctor in the prison. 'E didn't
say 'oose 'ealth, so the 'Ome Secret'ry nachrily thought 'e meant the
doctor's, an' let 'im go."
"Now come along, gentlemen, _please_," repeated the landlord
impatiently.
"Well," said Sam, as he rose slowly from his seat; "it's a wunderful
interestin' tale, as you say, Mr. Parbury, an' it jest shows as 'ow
it pays to be kind to dumb animals."