_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ HE-GOSSIP _AND THE_ MAN'S WIFE _AND THE_ MAN
Once upon a time there was a He-Gossip named Cyrenius Bizzy. Mr. Bizzy
was Middle-Aged and had a Set of dark Chinchillas. He carried a
Gold-Headed Cane on Sunday. His Job on this Earth was to put on a pair
of Pneumatic Sneakers every Morning and go out and Investigate Other
People's Affairs.
He called himself a Reformer, and he did all his Sleuthing in the line
of Duty.
If he heard of a Married Man going out Cab-Riding after Hours or playing
Hearts for Ten Cents a Heart or putting a Strange Woman on the Car, he
knew it was his Duty to edge around and slip the Information to some one
who would carry it to the Wife. He was such a Good Man himself that he
wanted all the other Men to wear long sable Belshazzars on the
Sub-Maxillary and come to him for Moral Guidance. If they would not do
it, the only Thing left for him to do was to Warn their Families now and
then and get them into Hot Water, thus demonstrating that the
Transgressor must expect Retribution to fall on him with quite a Crash.
Sometimes he would get behind a Board Fence to see the Wife of the
Postmaster break off a Yellow Rose and pass it over the Gate to the
Superintendent of the High School. Then he would Hustle out on his Beat
and ask People if they had heard the Talk that was Going Around. Of
course it Grieved him to be compelled to Peddle such Stories, but he had
to do it in the Interests of Morality. If Folks did not have a Pious
Protector to spot Worldly Sin and then get after it with a Sharp Stick,
the Community would probably go to the Dogs in less than no time. When
he had a Disagreeable Task to Perform, such as letting a Merchant know
that his Business Partner had been seen slightly Sprung at a Picnic, he
always wished to get through with it as quickly as possible, so usually
he Ran. He did not want any one else to beat him there, because the
Other Fellow might not get it Right.
[Illustration: THE SCANDAL]
Next Door to Cyrenius Bizzy there lived a Family that needed Regulating.
Cyrenius Bizzy knew that he had been Called to do the Regulating. The
Family had too much Fun to suit Cy. The Neighbor never came over to ask
Mr. Bizzy how late they had better Sit Up, or what Young Men the Girls
ought to invite to the House. Cyrenius would have been glad to fix up a
Set of Rules, for he was a Bureau of Advice, open at all Hours. He could
tell People just how much Money they ought to Save every Week, and how
often they ought to Lick the Children, and so on. But the Family that
lived Next Door made Loud Sport of Mr. Bizzy, and had no use for his
Counsel. They played Authors right in the Front Room with the Curtains
up, and they Danced the Two-Step so that he could be sure to see it from
where he was hidden behind the Evergreen Tree, and they ran the
Ice-Cream Freezer on Sunday Morning, and sang College Songs nearly every
Evening.
It kept the He-Gossip on the Go most of the time to let the Neighborhood
know all the Details of these Debauches. It did very little Good. The
Family did not want to be Reformed. He even wrote Anonymous Letters
telling them how Depraved they were. They were so Brazen and Hardened
they paid no Attention except to give him the Rowdy Hee-Ho when they saw
him pottering around the Shrubbery in his Front Yard, pretending to be
at Work, but really doing the Pinkerton Act, and keeping one Ear spread
for a nice, juicy Bit of Scandal.
[Illustration: THE HE-GOSSIP]
Mr. Bizzy watched the Family at all Hours of the Day and Night for many
Months. Although convinced that they were Children of Belial and pretty
Hard Nuts in general, he still hoped to Rescue them. He wondered if he
could not Appeal to the Man's Wife. She was a Daughter of Iniquity, all
right, but maybe she might listen to an Entreaty if it came from one who
was Pure, and who could point out to her in Fatherly Kindness that she
was leading her Family on a Short Cut to the Weeping and Wailing and
Gnashing of Teeth.
One Day Mr. Bizzy got a quiet Tip from another Moral Detective, that the
Man had stayed out until 2 A.M., at a Banquet given to a Militia
Company, so he knew it was Time for him to Act. He lay in Ambush until
the Coast was Clear, and then he went across the Dead-Line and caught
her on the Piazza. She was Surprised to see him.
He told her all the Reports he had heard about her Husband, and said he
was Sorry for her. He wondered if they couldn't get together a few of
the Respectable Men and Women of the Neighborhood, and have a Talk with
the Husband, and try to Pluck him as a Brand from the Burning. She
listened with that Ominous Calm which always precedes the Iowa Cyclone
that takes the Roof off the Court House and moves the Poor Farm into the
Adjoining County. She said she would take her Husband aside and have a
Confidential Chat with him, and if he wanted to be Plucked, then she
would call in the Cyrenius Bizzy Association of Pluckers.
The He-Gossip went Home feeling that he was entitled to a Pedestal right
in between Savonarola and Martin Luther.
When the Man came Home his Wife told him. He murmured something about
the Last Straw and moved swiftly out of doors. Pulling up the Rover
Stake from the Croquet Grounds as he ran, he cleared the Dividing Fence
without touching his Hands and began to Clean House. In about a Second
there was a Sound as if somebody had stubbed his Toe and dropped a
Crockery Store. Then Cyrenius was seen to Break the Record for the
Running Long Jump, off the Front Stoop into an Oleander Tub, while
wearing a Screen Door. After him came the Worldly Husband. For several
Minutes the Copse where once the Garden smiled was full of He-Gossip and
Cries for Help.
[Illustration: A MAN]
When the Man came back to where his Wife stood with her Hand on her
Heart, he reported that the He-Gossip would be found on top of the
Grape-Arbor.
MORAL: _Any one hoping to do Something in the Rescue Line had better go
further than Next Door._
_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ AUTHOR WHO WAS SORRY _FOR_ WHAT HE DID _TO_ WILLIE
An Author was sitting at his Desk trying to pull himself together and
grind out Any Old Thing that could be converted into Breakfast Food. It
was his Off Day, however. His Brain felt as if some one had played a
Mean Trick on him and substituted a Side-Order of Cauliflower. All he
could do was to lean up against his Desk and make marks and Piffle his
Time away. Between Scribbles he wrote a few Verses about, "When Willie
Came to say Good Night." It was a Sad Effort. He made it almost as Salty
as a Mother Song and filled it with Papa and Mamma and the Patter of
Baby Feet. He used Love-Light and the Evening Prayer and the
Heart-Strings and other venerable Paraphernalia. He had to commit
Infanticide to make it Weepy enough for the last Stanza. The Author
wrote this Stuff merely to Get Back at himself and see how Sloppy he
could be. He did not intend to Print it, because he was not a Vendor of
Death-Beds, and he shrank from making any violent Assault on the
Sensibilities. So he tossed the Idle Product into the Waste-Basket and
wondered if he was biginning to lose his Mind. With that Poem in his
Right Hand he could have walked into Bloomingdale and no Questions
Asked.
While he was still Backing Up and Jockeying for a Fair Start at his
Day's Work, A Friend came in and sat on the Edge of the Desk, and told
him to go right ahead and not pay any Attention.
Seeing the Crumpled Paper in the Basket, the Friend, who was
Inquisitive, hooked it out and read the Lines. Presently, when the
Author looked up, the Friend had big Tears rolling down his Cheeks and
was Sniffling.
"This is the Best Thing you have ever done," said the Friend. "My God,
but it is Pathetic! It will certainly Appeal to any one who has lost a
Child."
"I have no desire to Manufacture any more Sorrow for the Bereaved," said
the Author. "They have had Trouble enough. If I have to deal in White
Caskets or tap the Lachrymal Glands in order to thrash out an Income, I
will cease being an Author and go back to Work."
"But this Poem will touch any Heart," insisted the Friend. "As soon as I
got into it I began to Cry. You can get a Good Price for this."
When it came down to a Business Basis, the Author Switched.
"Get what you can on it," he said. "It seems a Shame to go and Market
that kind of Scroll-Work; still if it hits you, it may be Bad enough to
affect others having the same Shape of Head. I need the Money and I have
no Shame."
Thereupon the Friend sent the Verses to the Publisher of a Family
Monthly that Percolates into every Postoffice in the Country. In a few
Days there came a tear-stained Acceptance and a Check. The Author said
it was just like Finding $22.50, and he thought that was the End of it.
[Illustration: LANTERN SLIDE]
But when the Verses came out in the Monthly he began to get Letters from
all parts of the United States telling him how much Suffering and
Opening of Old Wounds had been caused by his little Poem about Willie
and how Proud he ought to be. Many who wrote expressed Sympathy for him,
and begged him to Bear Up. These Letters dazed the Author. He never had
owned any Boy named Willie. He did not so much as Know a Boy named
Willie. He lived in an Office Building with a lot of Stenographers and
Bill Clerks. If he had been the Father of a Boy named Willie, and Willie
had ever come to tell him "Good Night" when he was busy at Something
Else, probably he would have jumped at Willie and snapped a piece out of
his Arm. Just the Same, the Correspondents wrote to him from All Over,
and said they could read Grief in every Line of his Grand Composition.
That was only the Get-Away. The next thing he knew, some Composer in
Philadelphia had set the Verses to Music and they were sung on the Stage
with colored Lantern-Slide Pictures of little Willie telling Papa "Good
Night" in a Blue Flat with Lace Curtains on the Windows and a Souvenir
Cabinet of Chauncey Olcott on the What-Not. The Song was sold at Music
Stores, and the Author was invited out to Private Houses to hear it
Sung, but he was Light on his Feet and Kept Away.
Several Newspapers sent for his Picture, and he was asked to write a
Sunday Article telling how and why he did it. He was asked to Contribute
Verses of the same General Character to various Periodicals. Sometimes
he would get away by himself and read the Thing over again, and shake
his Head and Remark: "Well, if they are Right, then I must be Wrong, but
to me it is Punk."
He had his Likeness printed in Advertisements which told the Public to
read what the Author of "Willie's Good Night" had to say about their
Lithia Water. Some one named a light, free-smoking Five-Cent Cigar after
him, and he began to see Weird Paintings on the Dead Walls, and was
Ashamed to walk along those Streets.
[Illustration: LITTLE FERN]
It came out that one of the Frohmans wanted to Dramatize the
Masterpiece, and it was Rumored that Stuart Robson, Modjeska, Thomas Q.
Seabrooke, Maude Adams, Dave Warfield, and Walker Whiteside had been
requested to play the Part of Willie.
Every morning the Author would get up and say to himself that it could
not go on much longer. He felt sure that the Public would come to its
Senses some Day, and get after him with a Rope, but it didn't. His Fame
continued to Spread and Increase. All those Persons who had not Read it
claimed that they had, so as to be in Line, and he had the same old
Floral Tributes handed to him Day after Day.
It was Terrible. He had gone to College and spent a large amount of
Money irrigating and fertilizing his Mind, and he had Dreamed of writing
Something that would be Strong enough for Charles Dudley Warner's
Library of the World's Warmest Copy, in a Limited Edition of 20,000; but
instead of landing with the Heavy-Weights he seemed Destined to achieve
Greatness as the Author of a Boy's Size Poem, bearing about the same
Relation to the Literature of the Ages that a May Howard Window Hanger
does to Pure Art. He was Famous until he couldn't rest, but it was not
the Brand he had Coveted.
He decided to Live It Down. He would Produce something Serious and
Meritorious that would throw "Willie's Good Night" into the Shade. So he
labored for Two Years on a Novel that analyzed Social Conditions, and
every Reviewer said that here was a Volume by the Author of "Willie's
Good Night." The Purchasers of the Book expected to take it Home and
Read it and Weep. When they found that it did not contain any Dark Skies
or Headstones, they felt that they had been Bilked out of $1.50 each. It
was Suggested that the Author of "Willie's Good Night" was losing his
Grip and seemed to have Written Himself Out.
He was not wholly Discouraged. He went out Lecturing on the Occult, just
to prove to People that he had been Misjudged. The Local Chairman always
introduced him as the Celebrated Author of "Willie's Good Night."
Frequently he was Dragged away to a Home to meet all the Big Guns of one
of these Towns that call a Lecture a Show. After he had been on
Exhibition for a Half Hour or so, the same as the Albino or the Man with
the Elastic Skin in the Main Curio Hall, the Host would clear a Space in
the Center of the Room and announce that he was about to spring a
Delightful Surprise on their Distinguished Guest. Little Fern, the
Daughter of the County Recorder, was going to Speak "Willie's Good
Night."
There are Times and Times, but those were the Times when he suffered
Agony that went beyond the Limit.
The Author always knew the Verses were Bad enough to be Wicked, but he
never guessed how Yellow they really were until he heard them recited by
Little Girls who made the Full Stop at the Comma instead of the Period.
He used to lose a Pound a Minute, and when he would start back to the
Hotel his Shoes would be Full of Cold Perspiration. Finally, when he
began to decline Invitations, against the advice of his Manager, it was
said of him that he was Eccentric and appeared to have a Case of the
Swell Head.
He had to retire into a Suburb, where he built a Wall around his
Premises and put up Signs against Trespassing. He had a Chinaman for a
Servant, because the Chinaman did not know he was an Author, but
supposed him to be a Retired Porch-Climber.
Thus he was enabled to Forget for an Hour or Two at a Time.