(_A Sketch from the Provinces._)
SCENE--_The interior of Dulchester Cathedral._ TIME--_About
12.30._ _The March sunshine slants in pale shafts through
the clerestory windows, leaving the aisles in shadow. From
without, the cawing of rooks and shouts of children at play
are faintly audible. By the West Door, a party of Intending
Sightseers have collected, and the several groups, feeling
that it would be a waste of time to observe anything in the
building until officially instructed to do so, are engaged in
eyeing one another with all the genial antipathy and suspicion
of true-born Britons._
_A Stodgy Sightseer_ (_to his friend_). Disgraceful, keeping us
standing about like this! If I'd only known, I'd have told the
headwaiter at the "Mitre" to keep back those chops till----
[_He breaks off abruptly, finding that the chops are
reverberating from column to column with disproportionate
solemnity; a white-haired and apple-faced verger rustles down
from the choir and beckons the party forward benignantly,
whereupon they advance with a secret satisfaction at the
prospect of "getting the cathedral 'done' and having the rest
of the day to themselves;" they are conducted to a desk and
requested, as a preliminary, to put sixpence apiece in the
Restoration Fund box and inscribe their names in a book._
_Confused Murmurs._ Would you put "Portico Lodge, Camden Road, or
only London?"... Here, I'd better sign for the lot of you, eh?... They
_might_ provide a better pen--in a _cathedral_, I _do_ think!... He
might have given all our names in full instead of just "And party"!...
Oh, I've been and made a blot--will it _matter_, should you think?...
I never _can_ write my name with people looking on, can _you?_... I'm
sure you've done it beautifully, dear!... Just hold my umbrella while
I take off my glove, MARIA.... Oh, why _don't_ they make haste? &c.,
&c.
[_The_ Stodgy Sightseer _fumes, feeling that, while they are
fiddling, his chops are burning_.
[Illustration: "What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?"]
_The Verger._ Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will please to follow
me, the portion of the building where we now are is part of the
original hedifice founded by EALFRYTHA, wife of Earl BALDRIC, in the
year height 'undred heighty-height, though we 'ave reason to believe
that an even hearlier church was in existence 'ere so far back as the
Roman occupation, as is proved by a hancient stone receptacle recently
discovered under the crypt and hevidently used for baptismal purposes.
_A Spectacled S._ (_who feels it due to herself to put an intelligent
question at intervals_). What _was_ the method of baptism among the
Early Christians?
_The Verger._ We believe it to 'ave been by total immersion, Ma'am.
_The Spect. S._ Oh? _Baptists!_
[_She sets down the Early Christians as Dissenters, and takes
no further interest in them._
_The Verger._ At the back of the choir, and immediately in front of
you, is the shrine, formerly containing the bones of St. Chasuble,
with relics of St. Alb. (_An_ Evangelical Sightseer _snorts in
disapproval_.) The 'ollow depressions in the steps leading up to the
shrine, which are still visible, were worn away, as you see, by the
pilgrims ascending on their knees. (_The party verify the depressions
conscientiously, and click their tongues to express indulgent
contempt._) The spaces between the harches of the shrine were
originally enriched by valuable gems and mosaics, all of which 'ave
now long since disappeared, 'aving been removed by the more devout
parties who came 'ere on pilgrimages. In the chapel to your left
a monument with recumbent heffigies of Bishop _Buttress_ and Dean
_Gurgoyle_, represented laying side by side with clasped 'ands, in
token of the lifelong affection between them. The late Bishop used to
make a rather facetious remark about this tomb. He was in the 'abit
of observing that it was the honly instance in _his_ experience of a
Bishop being on friendly terms with his Dean. (_He glances round for
appreciation of this instance of episcopal humour, but is pained to
find that it has produced a general gloom; the_ Evangelical Sightseer,
_indeed, conveys by another, and a louder snort, his sense that a
Bishop ought to set a better example_.) In the harched recess to your
right, a monument in painted halibarster to Sir RALPH RINGDOVE and
his lady, erected immediately after her decease by the disconsolate
widower, with a touching inscription in Latin, stating that their
ashes would shortly be commingled in the tomb. (_He pauses, to allow
the ladies of the party to express a becoming sympathy--which they
do, by clicks._) Sir RALPH himself, however, is interred in Ficklebury
Parish Church, forty mile from this spot, along with his third wife,
who survived him.
[_The ladies regard the image of_ Sir RALPH _with indignation,
and pass on; the_ Verger _chuckles faintly at having produced
his effect_.
_The Evangelical S._ (_snuffing the air suspiciously_). I'm sorry to
perceive that you are in the habit of burning _incense_ here!
[_He looks sternly at the_ Verger, _as though to imply that it
is useless to impose upon him_.
_The Verger._ No, Sir, what you smell ain't incense--on'y the vaults
after the damp weather we've bin 'aving.
[_The_ Evangelical Sightseer _drops behind, divided between
relief and disappointment_.
_A Plastic S._ (_to the_ Verger). What a perfectly _exquisite_
rose-window that is! For all the world like a kaleidoscope. I suppose
it dates from the Norman period, at _least?_
_The Verger_ (_coldly_). No. ma'am, it was on'y put up about thirty
year ago. _We_ consider it the poorest glass we 'ave.
_The Plast. S._ Oh, the glass, yes; _that's_ hideous, certainly. I
meant the--the other part.
_The Verger._ The tracery, ma'am? That was restored at the same time
by a local man--and a shocking job he made of it, too!
_The Plast. S._ Yes, it _quite_ spoils the cathedral, _doesn't_ it?
Couldn't it be taken down?
_The Verger_ (_in answer to another Inquirer_). Crowborough Cathedral
finer than this, Sir? Oh, _dear_ me, no. I went over a-purpose to 'ave
a look at it the last 'oliday I took, and I was quite surprised to
find 'ow very inferior it was. The spire? I don't say that mayn't be
'igher as a mere matter of feet, but our lantern-tower is so 'appily
proportioned as to give the effect of being by far the 'ighest in
existence.
_A Travelled S._ Ah, you should see the _continental_ cathedrals. Why,
_our_ towers would hardly come up to the top of the naves of some of
them!
_The Verger_ (_loftily_). I don't take no notice of foreign
cathedrals, Ma'am. If foreigners like to build so ostentatious, all I
can say is, I'm sorry _for_ them.
_A Lady_ (_who has provided herself with a "Manual of Architecture"
and an unsympathetic Companion_). _Do_ notice the excessive use of
the ball-flower as a decoration, dear. PARKER says it is especially
characteristic of this cathedral.
_Unsympathetic Companion._ I don't see _any_ flowers myself. And if
they like to decorate for festivals and that, where's the harm?
[_The Lady with the Manual perceives that it is hopeless to
explain._
_The Verger._ The dog-tooth mouldings round the triforium harches is
considered to belong to the best period of Norman work----
_The Lady with the Manual._ Surely not _Norman?_ Dog-tooth is Saxon,
_I_ always understood.
_The Verger_ (_indulgently_). You'll excuse _me_, Ma'am, but I fancy
it's 'erringbone as is running in _your_ 'ed.
_The Lady with the M._ (_after consulting "Parker" for corroboration,
in vain_). Well, I'm sure dog-tooth is quite _Early English_, anyway.
(_To her companion._) Did you know it was the interlacing of the round
arches that gave the first idea of the pointed arch, dear?
_Her Comp._ No. But I shouldn't have thought there was so very much in
the _idea_.
_The Lady with the M._ I do _wish_ you took more _interest_, dear.
Look at those two young men who have just come in. They don't _look_
as if they'd care for carving; but they've been studying every one of
the Miserere seats in the choir-stalls. That's what _I_ like to see!
_The Verger._ That concludes my dooties, ladies and gentlemen. You
can go out by the South Transep door, and that'll take you through the
Cloisters. (_The Party go out, with the exception of the two 'Arries,
who linger, expectantly, and cough in embarrassment._) Was there
anything you wished to know?
_First 'Arry._ Well, Mister, it's on'y--er--'aven't you got some old
carving or other 'ere of a rather--well, _funny_ kind--sorter thing
you on'y show to _gentlemen_, if you know what I mean?
_The Verger_ (_austerely_). There's nothing in _this_ Cathedral for
gentlemen o' _your_ sort, and I'm surprised at your expecting of it.
[_He turns on his heel._
_First 'Arry_ (_to Second_). I spoke civil enough to _'im_, didn't I?
What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?
_Second 'Arry._ Oh, _I_ dunno. But you don't ketch _me_ comin' over to
no more cathedrils, and wastin' time and money all for nuthink--that's
all!
[_They tramp out, feeling that their confidence has been
imposed upon._
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