_In a dull stream, which moving slow,
You hardly see the current flow,
When a small breeze obstructs the course,
It whirls about for want of force;
And in its narrow circle, gathers
Nothing but chaff, and straw, and feathers.
The current of a female mind
Stops thus, and turns with every wind.
Thus whirling round, together draws,
Fools, fops, and rakes, for chaff and straws._
Swift.
I imagine that such of my readers as are still in their teens, and of
course expect to find Cupid in ambush at every corner, will now smile
sagaciously, and pronounce, 'that poor Ellen was certainly in love.' If
so, I must unequivocally assert, that, in this instance, their
penetration has failed them. Maitland had piqued my vanity, he had of
late interested my curiosity; his conversation often amused me, and the
more I was accustomed to it, the more it pleased. It is said, that they
who have been restored to sight, find pleasure in the mere exercise of
their newly regained faculty, without reference to its usefulness, or
even to the beauty of the objects they behold; so I, without a thought
of improving by Maitland's conversation, and with feeble perceptions of
its excellence, was pleased to find in it occupation for faculties,
which, but for him, might have slumbered inactive. I had a sort of
filial confidence in his good will, and a respect approaching to
reverence for his abilities and character. But this was all; for amidst
all my follies, I had escaped that susceptibility which makes so many
young women idle, and so many old ones ridiculous.
Lest, however, my assertion seem liable to the suspicion which attaches
to the declarations of the accused, I shall mention an irrefragable
proof of its truth. In less than twelve hours after Maitland had taken
his final leave, I was engaged in an animated flirtation with Lord
Frederick de Burgh. It is true, that for some days I used to start when
the knocker sounded at the usual hour of Maitland's visit, and to hear
with a vague sensation of disappointment some less familiar step
approach. It is true, that I loved not to see his seat occupied by
others, and that I never again looked towards the spot where he finally
disappeared from my sight, without feeling its association with
something painful. But I suppose it may be laid down as a maxim, that no
woman who is seriously attached to one man, will trifle, _con spirito_,
with another; and my flirtations with Lord Frederick were not only
continued, but soon began to threaten a decisive termination.
In spite of my father's remonstrance, Lord Frederick's daily visits were
continued; for how could I interdict them after his Lordship had said,
nay sworn, that I must admit him, or make London a desert to him? We
also met often at the house of Lady St Edmunds, where, after Maitland's
departure, I became a more frequent guest than ever. Placable as Miss
Arnold had hitherto found me, I could not immediately forgive her
discovery to Maitland; for, willing to throw from myself the blame of
losing him, I more than half ascribed his desertion to her interference.
In resentment against one favourite, I betook myself with more ardour to
the other; with whom I spent many an hour, more pleasant, it must be
owned, than profitable.
Lady St Edmunds had a boudoir to which only her most select associates
were admitted. Nothing which taste could approve was wanting to its
decoration,--nothing which sense desires could be added to its luxury.
The walls glowed with the sultry scenes of Claude, and the luxuriant
designs of Titian. The daylight stole mellowed on the eye through a
bower of flowering orange trees and myrtles; or alabaster lamps
imitated the softness of moonshine. Airy Grecian couches lent grace to
the forms which rested on them; and rose-coloured draperies shed on
the cheek a becoming bloom. No cumbrous footmen were permitted to
invade this retreat of luxury. Their office was here supplied by a
fairy-footed smiling girl, whose figure and attire partook the
elegance of all around. Had books been needful to kill the time, here
were abundance well suited to their place; not works of puzzling
science or dull morality; but modern plays, novels enriched with
slanderous tales or caricatures of living characters, and fashionable
sonnets, guarded to the ear of decency, but deadly to her spirit. In
this temple of effeminacy, Lady St Edmunds and I generally passed our
morning hours, and it usually happened that Lord Frederick joined the
party. Here I often called forth my musical powers to delight my
companions, soothed in my turn by the yet sweeter sounds of flattery
and love. The easy manners of my hostess banished all restraint. The
timidity which had at first admired without venturing to copy, fled
before her neat raillery and free example; and high spirits,
encouragement, and inconsiderateness, often led me to the utmost
limits of discretion.
In such a scene, with such associates, can it be wondered, that I forgot
the manly sense, the hardy virtues of Maitland? No longer counteracted
by his ascendency, or checked by the warnings of Miss Mortimer, Lady St
Edmunds' influence increased every day, and strengthened into an
affection which utterly blinded me to every impropriety in her conduct
and sentiments;--an awful influence, which almost every girl of
seventeen allows more or less to some favourite. Happy the daughter who
finds that favourite where nature has secured to her a real
friend;--happy the mother who gains support for her authority in the
enthusiastic attachments of youth!
As Lady St Edmunds was no restraint upon me, her presence in our coterie
was rather advantageous to Lord Frederick, banishing the reserve of a
_tete-a-tete_, and allowing him constantly to offer gallantries too
indirect to provoke repulse, yet too pointed to be overlooked. Indeed,
such attentions from him were now become so habitual to me, that I
accepted of them as things of course, without consideration either of
motive or consequence. They amused and flattered me; and amusement and
flattery were the sum of my desires.
Things were in this train, when, one morning, the usual party being met
in the boudoir, Lady St Edmunds was called away to receive a visiter.
She went without ceremony; for she never reminded me of our difference
of rank, by any of those correct formalities by which the great are
accustomed to distance their inferiors. She gaily enjoined Lord
Frederick to entertain me; and he accepted of the office with a look
which prompted me, I know not why, to move hastily towards a harp, on
which I struck some chords. Lord Frederick stopped me; addressing me so
much more seriously than he had ever done before, that, in my surprise,
I suffered him to proceed without interruption. In the warmest phrase of
passion he besought me to tell him how long I meant to continue his
lingering probation; and protested, that he was no longer able to endure
my delays. The presumptuousness of this language was softened by tones
and gestures so humble, that I found it impossible to be angry! but I
was not a little confounded at a security which I had been far from
intending to authorise. Recovering myself as well as I was able, I
affected to receive his protestations in jest, telling him his
gallantries were now so hackneyed, that I had already exhausted all my
wit in replying to them; and that if he wished to find me at all
entertaining, he must positively call a new subject.
His Lordship abated nothing of his solemnity. He fell upon his knees,
conjured me to be serious, and talked of as many cruelties, racks, and
tortures, as would have furnished the dungeons of the Inquisition; yet
still the drift of his rhetoric seemed to be only this, that he had now
been for a very competent time the martyr of my charms, and therefore
was entitled to claim his reward.
Though somewhat alarmed, I still tried to laugh off the attack; telling
him that he had changed his manner much to the worse, since gravity in
him seemed the most preposterous thing in nature. 'Was it possible,'
Lord Frederick enquired with a tragedy exclamation, 'that I could thus
punish him for a disguise of gaiety which he had assumed only to mislead
indifferent eyes, but which he was certain had never deceived my
penetration?' And then he boldly appealed to my candour, 'whether I had
ever for a moment misunderstood him?' Too much startled and confounded
to persevere in my levity, I replied in the words of simple truth, 'that
I had never bestowed any consideration upon his meaning, since my father
had settled the matter.'
Lord Frederick poured forth all the established forms of abuse against
parental authority; execrating, in a most lover-like manner, the idea of
subjecting the affections to its control, and protesting his belief that
I had too much spirit to sacrifice him to such tyranny. Piqued at my
lover's implied security, I answered, 'that I had no inclination to
resist my father's will; and that so long as he did not require me to
marry any man who was particularly disagreeable to me, I should very
willingly leave a negative in his power.' Lord Frederick struck his hand
upon his forehead, and raised his handkerchief to his eyes, as if to
conceal extreme agitation. 'Cruel, cruel, Miss Percy!' he cried, 'if
such are, indeed, your sentiments,--if you are, indeed, determined to
submit to the decision of your inhuman father, why--why did you, with
such barbarous kindness, restore the hopes which he had destroyed? Why
did you, in this very room, allow me to hope that you would reward my
faithful love,--that you would fly with me to that happy land where
marriage is still free!'
My masquerade folly thus recalled to my recollection, the blood rushed
tumultuously to my face and bosom. Unable to repel the charge, and
terrified by this glimpse of the shackles which my imprudence had forged
for me, I stammered out, that, 'whatever I might have said in a
thoughtless moment, I was sure that no friend of Lord Frederick's or
mine would advise either of us to so rash a step.'
'No friend of mine,' returned Lord Frederick, using the gestures of
drying his fine blue eyes, 'shall ever again be consulted. Could I have
foreseen your cruel treatment, never would I have put it in the power,
even of my nearest relative, to injure you by publishing the hopes you
had given.'
The hint, conveyed in these words, was not lost upon me. I concluded,
that Lord Frederick had thought himself authorised to talk of the
encouragement he had received. Our sense of impropriety is rarely so
just as to gain nothing from anticipating the judgment of our
fellow-creatures; and the levity which I had practised as an innocent
trifling, took a very different form, when I saw it by sympathy, in the
light in which it might soon be seen by hundreds. The folly into which I
had been seduced by malice, vanity, and the love of amusement, would
stand charactered in the world's sentence, as unjustifiable coquetry.
Viewed in its consequences, as ruinous to the peace of a heart that
loved me, I myself scarcely bestowed upon it a gentler name.
Confused, perplexed, and distressed, not daring to meet the eye of the
man whom I had injured, I sat looking wistfully towards the door, more
eager to escape from my present embarrassment than able to provide
against the future. Lord Frederick instantly saw his advantage. 'I have
wronged you, my heavenly Ellen,' he cried, throwing himself in rapture
at my feet. 'I see that, upon reflection, you will yet allow my claim.
How could I suspect my dear, generous Miss Percy of trifling with the
fondest passion that ever warmed a human breast!'
I involuntarily recoiled, for I had never been less tenderly disposed
towards Lord Frederick than at that moment. 'Really, my Lord,' I said,
'even if I could return all this enthusiasm, which indeed I cannot, I
should give a poor specimen of my generosity by consenting to involve
you in the difficulties which might be the consequence of disobliging my
father.'
Lord Frederick cursed wealth in the most disinterested manner
imaginable,--swore that 'the possession of his adorable Ellen was all he
asked of Heaven,'--and fervently wished, that 'the splendour of his
fortune, and the humbleness of mine, had given him an opportunity of
proving how lightly he prized the dross when put in balance with my
charms.' Though the loftiness of this style was too incongruous with
Lord Frederick's general manner to excite no surprise, I must own, that
it awakened not one doubt of his sincerity,--for what will not vanity
believe? The more credit I gave his generosity, the more did I feel the
injustice of my past conduct, yet the more painful it became to enter
upon explanation; and I was not yet practised enough in coquetry to
suppress the embarrassment which faltered on my tongue, as I told Lord
Frederick, that 'I was sorry--very sorry, and much astonished; and that
I had never suspected him of allowing such a romantic fancy to take
possession of his mind; that my father's determination must excuse me to
his Lordship and to the world, for refusing to sanction his hopes.'
Lord Frederick, in answer, vehemently averred, that his hopes had no
connection with my father's decision, since, after that decision, he had
been permitted to express his passion without repulse. He recalled
several thoughtless concessions which I had forgotten as soon as made.
Without formal detail, he dexterously contrived to remind me of the ring
which I had allowed him to keep; and of the clandestine correspondence
which I had begun from folly, and continued from weakness. He again
referred to my half consent at the masquerade. Finally, he once more
appealed to myself, whether, all these circumstances considered, his
hopes deserved to be called presumptuous.
During this almost unanswerable appeal, I had instinctively moved
towards the door; but Lord Frederick placed himself so as to intercept
my escape. Terrified, and revolting from the bonds which awaited me, yet
conscious that I had virtually surrendered my freedom,--eager to escape
from an engagement which yet I had not the courage to break,--I began a
hesitating, incoherent reply; but I felt like one who is roused from the
oppression of nightmare, when it was interrupted by the entrance of
Lady St Edmunds. I almost embraced my friend in my gratitude for this
fortunate deliverance; but I was too much disconcerted to prolong my
visit; and, taking a hasty leave, I returned home.
I had so long been accustomed to find relief from every difficulty in
the superior ingenuity of Miss Arnold, that my late resentment, which
had already begun to evaporate, entirely gave way to my habitual
dependence upon her counsels. Not that I, at the time, acknowledged this
motive to myself. Far from it. I placed my renewed confidence solely to
the credit of a generous placability of nature; for when any action of
mine claimed kindred with virtue, I could not afford to enquire too
seriously into its real parentage. However, I took an early opportunity
of acquainting Juliet with my dilemma. But my friend's readiness of
resource appeared now to have forsaken her. She protested that 'no
surprise could exceed hers; that she had never suspected Lord Frederick
of carrying the matter so far.' She feared 'that, however unjustly, he
might consider himself as aggrieved by a sudden rupture of our intimacy;
hinted how much the affair might be misrepresented by the industrious
malice of Lady Maria; and lamented that, on such occasions, a censorious
world was but too apt to take part with the accuser. But then, to be
sure, every thing must be ventured rather than disobey my father: she
would be the last person to advise me to a breach of duty, though she
had little doubt that it would be speedily forgiven.'
In short, all my skill in cross-examination was insufficient to discover
whether Miss Arnold thought I should dismiss Lord Frederick, or fly with
him to Scotland; or, taking that middle course so inviting to those who
waver between the right and the convenient, endeavour to keep him in
suspense till circumstances should guide my decision. Like a prudent
counsellor, she gave no direct advice, except that which alone she was
certain would be followed: she entreated me to hear the opinion of Lady
St Edmunds, and then to judge for myself.
The opinion of Lady St Edmunds was much more explicitly given. She
insisted that an overstrained delicacy made me trifle with the man whom
I really preferred. She laughed at my denials; asserting that it was
impossible I could be such a little actress as to have deceived all my
acquaintance, not one of whom entertained a doubt of my partiality for
Lord Frederick. One exception to this position I remembered with a sigh;
but he who best could have read my heart, and most wisely guided it,
was already far on his way to another hemisphere. In vain did I protest
my indifference towards all mankind. Lady St Edmunds, kissing my cheek,
told me she would save my blushes, by guessing for me what I had not yet
confessed to myself.
'Well!' cried I, a little impatiently, 'if I am in love with Lord
Frederick, I am sure I don't wish to marry him. I cannot be mistaken
upon that point. Some time ago, I should not much have cared; but now,
_indeed_ I would rather not.'
'Why should you be more reluctant now than formerly,' enquired Lady St
Edmunds, looking me intently in the face, 'unless you have begun to
prefer another?'
'Oh, not at all,' answered I, with great simplicity; 'I prefer nobody in
particular. But of late I have sometimes thought that, if I must marry,
I would have a husband whom I could respect,--whom all the world
respect; one who could enlighten and convince, ay, and awe other men;
one who need only raise his hand to silence an assembled nation; one
whose very glance----'
I stopped, and the glow which warmed my cheek deepened with an altered
feeling; for a smile began to play upon the lip of Lady St Edmunds, and
where is the enthusiasm that shrinks not from a smile? My friend,
laughing, asked which of the heroes of romance I chose to have revived
for my mate. 'But,' added she, shaking her head, 'when Oroondates makes
his appearance, we must not let Frederick tell tales; for constancy and
generosity were indispensable to a heroine in his time.'
Seeing me look disconcerted, she paused; then throwing her white arm
round my neck, 'My dearest Ellen,' said she, 'let me candidly own that
your treatment of poor De Burgh is not quite what I should have expected
from you. But,' continued she, with a tender sigh, 'had you been all
that my partiality expected, you must have become too--too dear to me!
You would have wiled my heart away from all living beings.'
'Dear Lady St Edmunds,' cried I, clasping her to my breast, 'tell me
what you expect from me now, and trust me I will never disappoint you.'
'My charming girl!' exclaimed Lady St Edmunds, 'far be it from me to
dictate to you. Let your own excellent heart and understanding be your
counsellors.'
'Indeed,' returned I, 'it would be an act of real charity to decide for
me. I am so terribly bewildered. I would not for the world act basely to
Lord Frederick; and I rather think that before he began to teaze me
about marrying him, I liked him better than any body--that is than any
man--almost. But then when I think of my father--and I love him so
dearly, and he has no other child--no one to love him but only me!
Indeed I cannot bear to thwart him.'
'My dear Ellen,' said Lady St Edmunds, 'I believe your father to be a
very worthy old gentleman, and I have a great respect for him; but,
indeed, his cause could not be committed to worse hands than mine; for I
can see no earthly business that he has to interfere in the matter. It
is not he who is to be married. For my own part, I married in very spite
of my father; and if I live till my children are marriageable, I shall
assuredly be reasonable enough to let them be happy in their own way.'
For a while, I defended the parental right, or rather the natural
sentiment which still remained to restrain my folly;--but the proper
foundation of filial duty, of all duty, was wanting in my mind, and
therefore the superstructure was unstable as the vapour curling before
the breeze. Even my good propensities had not the healthy nature of real
virtue. They were at best but the fevered flush adorning my sickly state
in the eyes of others, and fatally disguising it from my own. By
frequent argument, by occasional reflections, and by dexterous
confounding of truth and falsehood, Lady St Edmunds so far darkened my
moral perceptions, that Lord Frederick's claim seemed to outweigh that
of my father. Nor was the task hard; for honour and humanity are sounds
more soothing to human pride than the harsh name of submission.
Lord Frederick himself meanwhile watched vigilantly over his own
interests, and was abundantly importunate and encroaching. Miss Arnold,
indeed, continued to affect prudent counsels; but while she offered me
such feeble dissuasives as rather served to excite than to deter, she
procured or invented intelligence, which, with every expression of
indignation, she communicated to me, that Lady Maria had so far
misrepresented my indiscretion at the masquerade, as to make my marriage
with Lord Frederick a matter of prudence at least, if not of necessity.
Thus goaded on every side, without steadiness to estimate the real
extent of my difficulties, or resolution to break through them, having
no special dislike to Lord Frederick, nor any conscious preference for
another, I sanctioned in weakness the claims which I had conferred in
folly. I gave my lover permission to believe that I would soon reward
his constancy; if it can be called reward to obtain a wife, whose
violation of her early ties gives the strongest pledge that she will
disregard those which are new.
Still a lingering reluctance, the constitution of my sex, and the
expiring struggles of duty, made me defer, from time to time, the
performance of my engagement. But I was hurried at last into its
fulfilment, by one of those casualties which are allowed to decide the
most important concerns of the thoughtless and unprincipled. My father
one day surprised Lord Frederick at my feet; and, glad perhaps of an
opportunity to mark his contempt for the artificial distinctions of
society, as well as justly indignant at the disregard shown to his
injunctions, he dismissed my lover from the house, in terms more decided
than courtly.
As my father had four stout footmen to enforce his commands, his
Lordship had no choice but acquiescence. He therefore retired; and my
father, raising his foot to the panel of the room door, shut it with a
force that made the house shake. His sense of dignity for once giving
way to indignation, my father, instead of taking his well-known posture
of exhortation with his back to the fire, walked up to me, and strongly
grasping my hand, exclaimed, 'What the d--l do you mean, Ellen Percy?
Did not I tell you, I wouldn't have this puppy of a lord coming here a
fortune-hunting? Don't I know the kidney of you all; Don't I know, that
if you let a fellow chatter nonsense to you long enough, he is sure of
you at last?--Look you, Ellen Percy, let me have no more of this. I can
give you three hundred thousand pounds, and I have a scheme in my head
that may make it twice as much;--and I'll have your eldest son called
John Percy, ay, and his son after him; and you shall marry no proud,
saucy, aristocratical beggar, to look down upon the man who was the
making of him; d----n me, if you do, Ellen Percy.' Then throwing my arm
from him, with a vehemence that made me stagger, he quitted the room.
Even in minds far better regulated than mine, violence is more likely to
produce resentment than submission. My surprise quickly gave place to
indignation. The unceremonious expulsion of my visiter seemed nothing
short of an insult. To place me at the head of a family into which I
must admit no guest without permission, was treating me like a baby!--a
disgrace scarcely endurable to those who are still a little doubtful of
their right to be treated like women.
I earnestly recommend to all ladies who see cause of offence against
their rightful governors (an accident which will sometimes happen,
notwithstanding the universal meekness of ladies, and the well-known
moderation of gentlemen,) never to indulge in meditations upon past
injury, much less to exercise their prophetic eye upon future
aggression. Ill-humour gives contingent evils such a marvellous
appearance of certainty, that we seldom think it unjust to punish them
as if already committed.
No inference should have been drawn from my father's hasty words, except
that, being spoken in anger, they could not convey his permanent
sentiments; but I pondered them until I discovered that they clearly
foretold my being sacrificed to some ugly, old, vulgar, ignorant, gouty,
purse-proud, blinking-eyed, bandy-legged, stock-jobbing animal, with a
snuff-coloured coat, a brown wig, and a pen behind his ear. No wonder if
the assured prospect of such outrage redoubled mine ire!
But it had not yet reached its consummation. At dinner, Miss Arnold
happened to mention a public breakfast, to which Lady B---- had invited
us for the following morning. My father, who was far from affecting
privacy in his injunctions or reproofs, informed me, without
circumlocution, that I should go neither to Lady B----'s nor any where
else, till I gave him my word of honour that I would have no intercourse
with Lord Frederick de Burgh. 'I must stay at home, then,' said I, with
an air of surly resolution; 'for there is to be a ball after the
breakfast, and I have promised to dance with Lord Frederick.'
'Eat your breakfast at home then, Miss Percy,' said my father; 'and no
fear but you shall have as good a one as any Lady B---- in the land.'
Great was my disappointment at this sentence; for I had procured for the
occasion a dress upon which Lady Maria de Burgh had fixed her heart,
when there was no longer time to make another robe with similar
embroidery. But my wrath scorned to offer entreaty or compromise; and,
leaving the table, I retreated to my chamber, seeking sullen comfort in
the thought that I might soon emancipate myself from thraldom. In the
course of the evening, however, Miss Arnold, whose influence with my
father had of late increased surprizingly, found means to obtain a
mitigation of his sentence; but the good humour which might have been
restored by this concession, was banished by an angry command to refrain
from all such engagements with Lord Frederick for the future.
The next morning, while we were at breakfast (for a public breakfast by
no means supersedes the necessity of a private one) my father received a
letter, which he read with visible discomposure; and, hastily quitting
his unfinished meal, immediately left the house. I was somewhat startled
by his manner, and Miss Arnold appeared to sympathise still more deeply
in his uneasiness; but the hour of dressing approached, and, in that
momentous concern, I forgot my father's disquiet.
The fete passed as fetes are wont to do. Every one wore the face of
pleasure, and a few were really pleased. The dancing began, and I joined
in it with Lord Frederick. Among the spectators who crowded round the
dancers, were Lady Maria de Burgh and her silly Strephon, Lord
Glendower. I at first imagined that she declined dancing, because the
lady who was first in the set was one of whom she might have found it
difficult to obtain precedence; but, just as it was my turn to begin,
she advanced and took her station above me. Provoked by an impertinence
which I ought to have despised, I remonstrated against this breach of
ball-room laws. Lady Maria answered, with a haughty smile, that she
rather conceived she had a right to dance before me. In vain did Lord
Frederick interfere. In vain did I angrily represent, that the right
claimed by her Ladyship ceased after the dance was begun. How could Lady
Maria yield while the disputed dress was full in her eye? At last,
seeing that the dance was suspended by our dispute, I proposed to those
who stood below me, that, rather than allow such an infringement of our
privileges, we should sit down. They, however, had no inclination to
punish themselves for the ill-breeding of another; and I, scorning to
yield, indignantly retired alone.
Lord Frederick followed me, as usual; and--but why should I dwell upon
my folly? Remaining displeasure against my father, a desire to have
revenge and precedence of Lady Maria, overcame for an hour my reluctance
to the fulfilment of my ill-starred engagement; and in that hour, Lord
Frederick had obtained my consent to set out with him the very next
morning for Scotland. Such are the amiable motives that sometimes enter
into what is called a love match!
To prevent suspicion, and by that means to delay pursuit, it was agreed,
that Lady St Edmunds should be made acquainted with our design; that she
should call for me early, and convey me in her carriage to Barnet, where
she was to resign me to the guardianship of my future lord. Miss Arnold
I determined not to trust; because she had of late been accustomed to
beg, with a very moral shake of the head, that I would never confide an
intended elopement to her, lest she should feel it a duty to acquaint my
father with my purpose.