_'Her reputation?' That was like her wit,
And seemed her manner and her state to fit.
Something there was--what, none presumed to say,
Clouds lightly passing on a smiling day;
Whispers and hints which went from ear to ear,
And mixed reports no judge on earth could clear._
Crabbe.
Recovered from my indisposition, I resumed my gay career. But who ever
spent a week in retirement, without projecting some reform, however
partial, some small restraint upon desire, or some new caution in its
gratification? I determined to observe more circumspection in my conduct
towards Lord Frederick; though Miss Arnold laboured to convince me, that
our flirtation might now be carried on with more safety than ever, since
the parties were aware that it could have no serious issue.
_Tete-a-tete_ with her in my dressing-room, I could detect the fallacy
of her arguments, and refused to be misled by them. The most imprudent
being upon earth makes many a judicious resolution; and may trace his
errors less to the weakness of his judgment, than to the feebleness of
his self-command.
The first party which I joined after my convalescence, was at a concert
and _petit souper_ which Lady G. gave to fifty-eight of her particular
friends. As soon as I entered the room, my attention was arrested by a
group, consisting of Lady Maria de Burgh, her favourite Lady Augusta
Loftus, Lord Frederick, and Lord Glendower. Lady Augusta seemed
assiduous to entertain my admirer, who, lounging against a pillar with
his eyes half shut, appeared only to study how he might answer her with
the slightest possible exertion of mind or muscle. Perceiving me, Lady
Maria touched her friend's arm, as if to direct her eye towards me; then
whispered behind her fan somewhat which seemed immoderately entertaining
to both. A rudeness which ought to have awakened only my pity, roused my
resentment, and I piously resolved to seize an early opportunity of
retort. The party continued their merriment, and I even observed Lady
Augusta endeavouring to engage Lord Frederick to join in it. This was
too much; and I resolved to show Lady Augusta that I was no such
despicable rival. But I had been accustomed to accept, not to solicit
the attentions of Lord Frederick, and I waited till he should accost me.
Lord Frederick, however, seemed entirely insensible to my presence. His
eye did not once wander towards me; indeed the assiduity of his
companion left scarcely even his eyes at liberty. Weary of watching Lady
Augusta's advances to my quondam admirer, I at last condescended to
claim his notice by passing close to him. A distant bow was the only
courtesy which I obtained. I was asked to sing, and chose an elaborate
bravura, which Lord Frederick had often declared to be divine. In the
midst of it I saw him break from his obsequious fair one and approach
me. My heart, I own, bounded with triumph. Premature triumph, alas! He
addressed our hostess, who was bending over me; pleaded indispensable
business; and leaving the divine bravura to more disengaged hearers,
withdrew.
I was disconcerted; for, like other beauties, I liked better to repulse
presumption than to endure neglect. My song ended, I had remained for
some time sullen and silent, regardless of the lavish commendations
which were poured upon me; when, recollecting that my discomposure would
afford matter of exultation to my rivals, I suddenly rallied my spirits,
and looked round for some new instrument of offence. Lord Glendower, the
reputed suitor of Lady Maria, still kept his station by her side. I
contrived to engage him during the remainder of the evening. The penalty
of my malice was three hours' close attention to the dullest fool in
England; for vice, too, requires her self-denials, though her disciples
are not, like those of virtue, forewarned of the requisition. Languid,
disgusted and out of humour, I fatigued myself with laborious
playfulness, till the separation of the party released me from penance.
Lord Frederick's 'indispensable business' was the next day explained by
a report, that he had passed the night in a gaming-house, where he had
lost five-and-twenty thousand pounds. Miss Arnold spoke with the
tenderest compassion of this disaster, 'smoothing my ruffled plumes,'
by ascribing it to the desperation occasioned by his late
disappointment. Forgetting that she had so lately ridiculed my romantic
estimate of the force of his passion, she suddenly appeared convinced
that it was strong enough to account for the most frantic actions. Folly
itself is not so credulous as self-conceit. I more than half believed,
though I affected to disprove her assertion. It approached, indeed, to
the truth more nearly than she suspected. Money, however obtained, was
absolutely necessary to Lord Frederick; and mine being beyond his reach,
he had recourse to fortune. But, in calculating upon the actions of the
gay, the liberal Lord Frederick, the narrow motives of interest never
once entered into my account. Dazzled by the false spirit, indicated by
the magnitude of his loss, and pleased with the cause to which vanity
ascribed it, I had half pardoned his late neglect, when I that evening
met him at Mrs Clermont's rout.
So crowded were the rooms that I was not aware when he entered; and when
I first observed him, he was standing in close conversation with Miss
Arnold. Even pride can make concessions where it imagines cause of pity.
I condescended to give Lord Frederick another opportunity of renewing
his attention, and moved towards him through the crowd. My friend and he
were conversing with great earnestness; and, as I approached them from
behind, I caught the last words of their dialogue. His Lordship's speech
concluded with the expression, 'I should look confoundedly silly;'--Miss
Arnold's answer was, 'The thing is impossible:--he has not another
relation upon earth, except----' Seeing me at her side, Miss Arnold
stopped abruptly, and, I think, changed colour; but I had no time to
make observations, for Lord Frederick, seizing my hand, exclaimed, 'Ah,
you cruel creature, have you at last given me an opportunity to speak
with you. I thought you had been determined to cut me, since old
squaretoes interfered.' I carelessly answered that I had not made up my
mind on that subject:--but, had my reply been delayed a few moments, it
could not have been uttered with truth; for just then Lady Maria came to
request, with no small earnestness, that her brother would go and
exhibit to Lady Augusta Loftus a trick with cards, which it seems he
could perform with singular dexterity. 'We shall see who will prevail,'
thought I, and I seated myself as if to evince my resolution of
remaining where I was. Lord Frederick immediately excused himself to his
sister; and she at last, in evident vexation, relinquished her attempt.
This little victory raised my spirits; and I enjoyed with double relish,
and provoked with double industry, the jealous glances with which I was
watched by Lady Maria and her fair friend. Lord Frederick, on his part,
had never been so assiduous to entertain. He flattered, made love, spoke
scandal, and even threw out some sarcasms upon the jealousy of his
sister. How had enmity perverted my mind, when I could tolerate this
unnatural assassination! How had it darkened my understanding, when I
shrunk not with suspicion from the heart which was dead to the sacred
charities of kindred!
In the course of our conversation, Lord Frederick rallied me on the
subject of the masked ball, urging me to give my reasons for refusing
the tickets. Weakly ashamed to be suspected of submitting to authority,
I employed every excuse except the true one; and, among others, alleged,
that I was unacquainted with the lady by whom the ball was to be given.
Lord Frederick insisted upon introducing his relation, Lady St Edmunds,
to me; declaring that he had often heard her express a desire to be of
my acquaintance. I could not resist the temptation of this introduction,
for Lady St Edmunds was of the highest fashion. I protested, indeed,
that my resolution, with regard to the masquerade, was immutable, but I
suffered Lord Frederick to go in search of his gay relative.
He soon returned, leading a lady, in whose appearance some half-a-dozen
wrinkles alone indicated the approach of the years of discretion. Her
cheek glowed with more than youthful roses. Her eye flashed with more
than cheerful fires. Her splendid drapery loosely falling from her
shoulders, displayed the full contour of a neck whiter than virgin
innocence, pure even from the faintest of those varying hues which stain
the lilies of nature. She addressed me with much of the grace and all
the ease of fashion, loaded me with compliments and caresses, and
charmed me with the artful condescension which veils itself in
respectful courtesy. She proposed to wait upon me the next day, and
entreated that I would allow her the privilege of old acquaintance, by
giving orders that she should be admitted. I readily consented, for
indeed I was delighted with my new friend. I was dazzled with the
freedom of her language, the boldness of her sentiments, and her
apparent knowledge of the world. The partial admiration expressed for
me, by one so much my superior in years and rank, warmed a heart
accessible through every avenue of vanity; and I spent an hour in lively
chit-chat with her and Lord Frederick, without once recollecting that
her Ladyship's fame was not quite so spotless as her bosom.
Faithful to her appointment, Lady St Edmunds called upon me the next
morning; and though she looked less youthful, was as fascinating as
ever. No charm of graceful sportiveness, of artful compliment, or of
kindly seeming, was wanting to the attraction of her manners. I was
accustomed to the adulation of men; and sometimes, when it was less
dexterously applied, or when I was in a more rational humour, I could
ask myself which the obsequious gentleman admired the most,--Miss Percy,
or the pretty things they said to her. But let no one boast of being
inaccessible to flattery, till he had withstood that of a superior; and
let that superior be highly bred, seemingly disinterested, and a woman.
I did not, at the time, perceive that Lady St Edmunds flattered me; I
merely was convinced that she had a lively sensibility towards a kindred
mind, and a generosity which could bestow unenvying admiration upon
superior youth and beauty.
When she was about to retire, she mentioned her masked ball, expressing
a strong desire to see me there, and extending the request to Miss
Arnold. With one of the deepest sighs I ever breathed, I told her of my
unfeigned regret that it was out of my power to accept her invitation.
Lady St Edmunds looked as if she read my thoughts. 'I won't be denied,'
said she; 'be as late as you will; but surely you may escape from your
engagement for an hour or two at least. Come, dear Miss Percy, you would
not be so mischievous as to spoil my whole evening's pleasure; and now
that I know you, there is no thinking of pleasure without you.'
I was again on the point of declining, though with tears in my eyes,
when I was interrupted by Miss Arnold. 'I can assure your Ladyship,'
said she, 'that we have no engagement; only, our duenna does not approve
of masquerades, and Ellen happens to be in a submissive frame just now.'
I could better endure the weight of my shackles than the exhibition of
them; and, the warm blood rushing to my cheek, I answered, 'That I did
not suppose Miss Mortimer, or any other person, pretended a right to
control me; that I had merely yielded to entreaties, not submitted to
authority.'
'And why must the duenna's entreaties be more powerful than mine?' said
Lady St Edmunds, laying her white hand upon my arm, and looking in my
face with a soul-subduing smile.
'Dear Lady St Edmunds!' cried I, kissing her hand, 'do not talk of
entreaty. Lay some command upon me less agreeable to my inclination,
that I may show how eager I am to obey you. But indeed, I fear--I
think--I--after giving my promise to Miss Mortimer, I believe I ought
not to retract.'
'Why not, my dear?' said Lady St Edmunds. 'It is only changing your
mind, you know, which the whole sex does every day.'
'You know, Ellen,' said Miss Arnold, 'the case is quite altered since
you talked of it with Miss Mortimer. She did not object so much to the
masked ball, as to your going with----'
'Juliet!' said I, stopping her with a frown, for I felt shocked that she
should tell Lady St Edmunds that her nephew's attendance was objected to
by Miss Mortimer.
'Ah!' cried Lady St Edmunds, with the prettiest air of reproach
imaginable, 'I see Miss Arnold is more inclined to oblige me than you
are; so to her I commit my cause for the present, for now I positively
must tear myself away. Good-by, my pretty advocate. Be sure you make me
victorious over the duenna. Farewell, my lovely perverse one,' continued
she, kissing my cheek. 'I shall send you tickets, however. I issue only
three hundred.'
Lady St Edmunds retired, and left my heart divided between her and the
masquerade. She was scarcely gone, when Miss Mortimer came in; and, full
of my charming visiter, I instantly began to pronounce her eulogium. I
thought Miss Mortimer listened with very repulsive coldness; of course,
a little heat of a less gentle kind was added to the warmth of my
admiration, and my language became more impassioned. 'I have been told
that Lady St Edmunds is very insinuating,' said Miss Mortimer; and this
was all the answer I could obtain. My praise became more rapturous than
ever. Miss Mortimer remained silent for some moments after I had talked
myself out of breath. Perhaps she was considering how she might reply
without offence. 'Such manners,' said she, 'must indeed be engaging. I
see their effect in the eloquence of your praise. I wish it were always
safe to yield to their attraction.'
'Bless me! Miss Mortimer,' interrupted I, 'you are the most suspicious
being! I see you want me to suspect Lady St Edmunds of every thing that
is bad, and for no earthly reason but because she is delightful!'
'Indeed, my dear Ellen,' returned Miss Mortimer, 'you wrong me. I should
be the last person to taint your mind with any unfounded suspicion. But
it is natural, you know, that years should teach us caution.'
'Oh!' exclaimed I, fervently clasping my hands, 'if age must chill all
my affections, and leave me only a dead soul chained to a half-living
body, may Heaven grant that my years may be few! May I go to my grave
ere my heart cease to love and trust its fellows!'
'Dearest child!' cried Miss Mortimer, 'may many a happy year improve and
refine your affections; and may they long survive the enthusiasm which
paints their objects as faultless! But is it not better that you should
know a little of Lady St Edmunds' character, before intimacy confirm her
power over you?'
'Why should I know any thing more of her than I do? I can see that she
has the most penetrating understanding, the most affectionate heart!'
'No doubt these are great endowments; but something more may be
necessary. The proverb is not the less true for its vulgarity, which
tells us, that the world will estimate us by our associates; and, what
is still more important, the estimate will prove just. If you form
intimacies with the worthless, or even with the suspected----'
'Worthless! suspected!' exclaimed I, my blood boiling with indignation;
'who dares to use such epithets in speaking of Lady St Edmunds?'
'Be calm, Ellen. I did not, at the moment that I uttered these offensive
words, intend any personal application. If I had, my language should
have been less severe. But I can inform you, that the world has been
less cautious, and that those epithets have been very freely applied to
Lady St Edmunds!'
'Yes! perhaps by a set of waspish bigots, envious of her, who is herself
so far above the meanness of envy,--or who cannot pardon her for
refusing to make Sunday a day of penance!'
Miss Mortimer, though naturally one of the most timid creatures upon
earth, was as inflexible in regard to some particular opinions, as if
she had had the nerves of a Hercules. 'Indeed, Ellen,' said she, calmly,
'it would be ungrateful in you, or any other woman of fashion, to charge
the world with intolerance towards Sabbath-breakers. I fear that Lady St
Edmunds would give little offence by her Sunday's parties, if she were
circumspect in her more private conduct.'
'Bless my heart, Miss Mortimer!' cried I, 'what have I to do with the
private conduct of all my acquaintance? What is it to me, if Lady St
Edmunds spoil her children, or rule her husband, or lose a few hundred
pounds at cards now and then?'
Miss Mortimer smiled.--'Even bigots,' said she, 'must acquit her
Ladyship of all these faults, for she takes no concern with her
children,--she is separated from her husband,--and certainly does not
_lose_ at cards.'
'And so you, who pretend to preach charity towards all mankind, can
condescend to retail second-hand calumny! You would have me desert an
amiable, and, I am persuaded, an injured woman, merely because she has
the misfortune to be slandered!'
'When you know me better, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, meekly, 'you will
find, that it is not my practice to repeat any scandalous tale, without
some better reason than my belief that it is true. I shall not at
present defend the justice of the censures which have fallen upon Lady
St Edmunds. I will merely offer you my opinion, in hopes that, a few
hours hence, you may reconsider it. If a friend, whose worth you had
proved, whose affection you had secured, were made a mark for the shafts
of calumny,--far be it from you to seek a base shelter, leaving her
unshielded, to be 'hit by the archers;' but, against the formation of a
new acquaintance, the slightest suspicion ought, in my opinion, to be
decisive. The frailty of a good name is as proverbial as its value; and
virgin fame is far too precious to be ventured upon uncertainty, and far
too frail to escape uninjured even from the appearance of hazard.'
This speech was so long that it gave me time to cool, and so
incontrovertible, that I found some difficulty in replying. Before I
could summon a rejoinder, Miss Mortimer, who never pursued a victory,
had quitted the room. She had left me an unpleasant subject of
meditation; but she had allowed me to postpone the consideration of it
for a few hours; so, in the mean time, I turned my thoughts to the
masquerade.
And first, by way of safeguard against temptation, I thought it best to
lay down an immutable resolution that I would not go. It was very hard,
indeed, to be deprived of such a harmless amusement; but, as I had given
an unlucky promise, I purposed magnanimously to adhere to it, resolving,
however, to indemnify myself the next opportunity. Thus mortified, I
began to indulge my fancy in painting what _might have been_ the
pleasures of the masquerade. I imagined (there was surely no harm in
imagining!) how well I could have personated the fair Fatima,--how
happily the turban would have accorded with the Grecian turn of my
head,--how softly the transparent sleeves of my caftan would have shaded
my rounded arm,--how favourably the Turkish costume would have shown the
light limb, and the elastic step. I invented a hundred witticisms which
I might have uttered,--a hundred compliments which I might have
received. Above all, I dwelt upon the approbation, the endearments of
the charming Lady St Edmunds, till my heart bounded with the ideal joy.
When I retired to rest, the same gay visions surrounded me; and I gladly
awoke to pursue them again in my waking dreams.
How suitable to our nature is that commandment which places upon the
thoughts the first restraints of virtue! It was painful to interrupt my
delightful reverie, by renewing my resolutions of self-denial, so I
passed them over as already fixed, insensible how fatally I was
undermining their foundations. The bribe must be poor indeed, which the
aids of imagination cannot render irresistible. The longer my fancy
dwelt upon my lost pleasure, the more severe seemed my privation, the
more unfounded Miss Mortimer's prejudice. From the wish that the thing
had been right, the step was easy to the belief that it could not be
_very_ wrong. Before the morning, my inclination had so far bewildered
my judgment, that Miss Arnold found no difficulty in persuading me to
refer the matter to my father; and, regardless of my promise, to abide
by his decision.
She herself undertook the statement of the case; for it happened, I know
not how, that, even when she spoke only truth, her statements always
served a purpose better than mine. The effect of her adroit
representation was, that my father decided in favour of the masquerade;
observing that 'Miss Mortimer, though a very good woman, had some odd
notions, which it would not do for every body to adopt.'
Thus it seemed determined that I was to enjoy the amusement upon which I
had set my heart. And yet I was not satisfied. My gay visions were no
sooner likely to be realised, than they lost half their charms. A slight
scrutiny into my own mind would have enabled me to trace the cause of
this change to a consciousness of error; but a vague anticipation of the
issue was sufficient to prevent me from entering upon the enquiry. I
therefore contented myself with attempting to impose upon my own
judgment, by asserting that, since my father was satisfied, I was at
full liberty to pursue my inclination. 'To be sure,' said Miss Arnold,
'when Mr Percy has given his permission, who else has any right to
interfere?'
'And will you, my dear sir, speak of it to Miss Mortimer,' said I,
anxious to transfer that task to any one who would undertake it.
'Oh, I'll manage all that,' cried Miss Arnold. 'If Mr Percy were to
mention the matter to Miss Mortimer, it would look as if he thought
himself accountable to her; and then there would be no end of it; for
she fancies already that she should be consulted in every thing that
concerns you,--as if Mr Percy, who has so long superintended the
greatest concerns in the kingdom, could not direct his own family
without her interference!'
I believe my father, as well as myself, might have some latent
misgivings of mind, which made him not unwilling to accept of Miss
Arnold's offered services. 'I have so many important affairs to mind,'
said he, 'that I shall probably think no more of such a trifle; so I
commission you, Miss Juliet, to let Miss Mortimer know my opinion;
which, I dare say, you will do discreetly, for you seem a civil,
judicious young lady. Elizabeth, poor soul, meant all for the best;
thinking to save me a few pounds, I suppose. But you may let her know,
that what it may be very commendable in her to save is altogether below
my notice. When a man has thousands, and tens of thousands passing
through his hands every day, it gives him a liberal way of thinking. But
as for a woman, who never was mistress of a hundred pounds at a time,
what can she know of liberality?'
My father had now entered on a favourite topic, the necessary connection
between riches and munificence. Miss Arnold listened respectfully,
approving by smiles, nods, and single words of assent; while I stood
wrapt in my meditations, if I may give that name to the succession of
unsightly images which conscience forced into my mind, and which I as
quickly banished. Having triumphantly convinced an antagonist who
ventured not upon opposition, my father withdrew; and left my friend and
me to consult upon our communication to Miss Mortimer.
'She will be in a fine commotion,' said I, endeavouring to smile, 'when
she hears that we are going to this masquerade after all. But since you
have undertaken the business, Juliet, you may break it to her to-night,
while I am at the opera; and then the fracas will be partly over before
I come home.'
'I have been just thinking,' said Miss Arnold, 'all the time that your
father was making that fine oration, that it would be wiser not to break
it to her at all. Where is the necessity for her knowing any thing of
the matter? We shall have other invitations for the same evening; so we
may go somewhere else first, and afterwards look in for an hour or two
at the ball. Nobody need know that we have been there.'
'What, Juliet! would you have me steal off in that clandestine way, as
if I were afraid or ashamed to do what my father approves of? If I am to
act in defiance of Miss Mortimer, I will do it openly, and not slavishly
pilfer my right, as if I did not dare to assert it.'
'Don't be angry, Ellen,' said Miss Arnold, soothingly; 'I shall most
willingly do whatever you think best. But, for my part, I would almost
as soon give up the masquerade, as be lectured about it for the next
three weeks.'
'But, to give Miss Mortimer her due,' returned I, 'she does not lecture
much.'
'That is true,' replied Miss Arnold. 'But then she will look so
dolefully at us. I am sure I would rather be scolded heartily at once.'
In this last sentiment, I cordially sympathised; for the silent
upbraiding of the eye is the very poetry of reproach--it addresses
itself to the imagination. 'I wish,' cried I, sighing from the very
bottom of my heart, 'that I had never heard of this ball!'
'In my opinion,' said Miss Arnold, 'it would save both us and Miss
Mortimer a great deal of vexation, if she were never to hear more of
it.'
'Say no more of that, Juliet,' interrupted I; 'I am determined not to
take another step in the business without her knowledge.'
Miss Arnold was silent for a few moments; and when her voice again drew
my attention, I perceived tears in her eyes. 'Well, Ellen,' said she,
'since you are so determined, I see only one way of settling the matter
quietly. I will give my ticket to Miss Mortimer,--she can have no
objection to your going, if she be there herself to watch you.'
'Never name such a thing to me, Juliet! What! leave you moping alone,
fancying all the pleasure you might have had, while I am amusing myself
abroad. I had rather never see a mask in my life!'
'I should prefer any thing to bringing her ill-humour upon you,' said
Miss Arnold; 'and since you persist in telling her, I see no other way
of escape. I shall most cheerfully resign the masquerade to give you
pleasure.'
'My own dear Juliet!' cried I, locking my arms round her neck, while
unbidden tears filled my eyes, 'how can you talk of giving my pleasure
by sacrificing your own, when you know that more than half the delight
in my life is to share its joys with you.' Nor were these the empty
sounds of compliment, nor even the barren expression of a passing
fervour. My purse, my ornaments, my amusements, even the assiduities of
my admirers, all on which my foolish heart was most fixed, I freely
shared with her. Yet, this same Juliet--but is it for me to complain of
ingratitude?--for me, who, favoured by an all-bountiful Benefactor,
abused his gifts, despised his warnings, neglected his commands,
abhorred his intercourse! Let those who are conscious of similar demerit
cease to reproach the less flagrant baseness, which repays with evil the
feeble benefits that man bestows on man.
On the present occasion, Juliet's influence prevailed with me so far,
that, before we separated, I had agreed to a compromise. I persisted,
indeed, in refusing to go clandestinely to the masquerade, but I adhered
to my purpose of going; and pledged my word, that, in order to avoid all
importunity on the subject, I would leave Miss Mortimer in ignorance of
my determination, till the very hour of its accomplishment. Miss Arnold
undertook to keep my father silent, which she performed in the most
dexterous manner; and with the more ease, because, perhaps, he was
conscious that the subject furnished materials for confession as well as
for narrative.