_Next in the daunce followit invy,
Fild full of feid and fellony,
Hid malice and dispyte.
For pryvie haterit that traitour trymlit;
Him followit mony freik dissymlit,
With fenyeit wordes quhyte;
And flattereris into menis facis,
And back-bytaris in secreit placis,
To ley that had delyte;
With rownaris of fals lesingis;
Allace! that courtis of noble kingis,
Of thame can nevir be quyte._
Dunbar (Daunce.)
The Countess of ----'s ball was fixed upon as the occasion of my first
appearance. What meditation did it not cost me, to decide upon the style
of my costume for that eventful evening! How did my preference fluctuate
between the gorgeous and the simple, the airy and the magnificent! The
balance was cast in favour of the latter, by the possession of my
mother's jewels; which my father ordered to be reset for me, with superb
additions. 'He could afford it,' he said, 'as well as Lady ---- or any
of her company, and he saw no reason why I should not be as fine as the
proudest of them.' My heart bounded with delight, when I at last saw the
brilliants flash in my dark hair, mark the contour of my neck, and
circle a waist slender as the form of a sylph. All that flattery had
told, and vanity believed, seemed now to gain confirmation; yet, still
some doubts allayed my self-conceit, till it received its consummation
from the cold, the stately Mr Maitland. I overheard Miss Arnold whisper
to him, as I entered the drawing-room where he and a large party were
waiting to escort me, 'look what lovely diamonds Mr Percy has given
Ellen.'--'They would have been better bestowed elsewhere,' returned Mr
Maitland; 'nobody that looks at Miss Percy will observe them.'
Though certain that this compliment was not meant for my ear, I had the
hardihood to acknowledge it, by saying, 'Thank you, sir; I shall put
that into my memorandum-book, and preserve it like a Queen Anne's
farthing, not much worth in itself, but precious, because she never made
but one.'
'The farthing was never meant for circulation,' returned he dryly; 'but
it unluckily fell into the hands of a child, who could not keep it to
herself.'
The word 'child' was particularly offensive on this first night of my
womanhood; and, in the intoxication of my spirits, I should have made
some very impertinent rejoinder, if I had not been prevented by Miss
Mortimer. 'What, Ellen!' said she, 'quarrelling with Mr Maitland for
compliments! Is it not enough to satisfy you, that he who is so seldom
seen in places of that sort accompanies you to the ball to-night?'
'Oh! pray,' returned I, 'since Mr Maitland has so few _bienseances_ to
spare, allow him to dispose of them as he pleases. His attendance
to-night is meant as a compliment to my father.'
'Do not make me pay a whole evening's comfort for what is only a
farthing's worth, you know,' said Maitland good-humouredly; 'but leave
off trying to be disagreeable and witty. Nay, do not frown now; your
face will not have time to recover itself. I see the carriage is at the
door.'
I did not wait for a second intimation, but bounded down stairs, and I
was already seated in the barouche, with Miss Arnold before my
deliberate beau made his appearance. I was too full of expectation to
talk; and we had proceeded for some time in silence, when I was awakened
from a dream of triumph by Mr Maitland's saying, and, as I thought, with
a sigh, 'What a pleasing woman is Miss Mortimer! That feminine
simplicity and sweetness make the merest commonplace delightful!'
I suppose it was my vanity grasping at a monopoly of praise which made
me feel myself teazed by this encomium; and I pettishly answered, 'That
it was a pity Miss Mortimer did not hear this compliment, for she might
keep it to herself, since she at least was no _child_.'
'Within these few years,' said Mr Maitland, 'she was a very enchanting
woman.'
'Indeed!' exclaimed I, more and more out of humour at the unusual warmth
of his expressions, 'Miss Mortimer has no wit, and she has never been
pretty.'
'True,' returned Mr Maitland, 'but I dislike wits. I am not even fond of
beauties. It is in bad taste for a woman to "flash on the startled eye."
Miss Mortimer did not burst on us like a meteor,--she stole on us like
the dawn, cheering and delightful, not dazzling.'
This speech seemed so manifest an attack upon me who dealt with a
certain fearless repartee that passed for wit, and who was already a
beauty by profession, that my eyes filled with tears of mortification.
Of what use is beauty, thought I, if it be thus despised by men of
sense, and draw the gaze only of silly boys? Yet men of sense have felt
its power; and when people have, like Mr Maitland, outlived human
feelings, they should leave the world, and not stay to damp the
pleasures of the young and the happy.
The next moment, however, sparkling eyes and skins of alabaster
recovered their full value in my estimation, when, as we pressed into
Lady ----'s crowded rooms, a hundred whispers met my ear of
'Lovely!'--'Charming!' and 'Devilish handsome!' My buoyant spirits rose
again, and I looked up to take a triumphant survey of my admirers. Yet,
when I met the universal gaze which was attracted by the splendour of my
dress, or the novelty of my appearance, nature for a moment stirred in
me; and though I had indignantly turned from Mr Maitland, and accepted
the devoirs of a more obsequious attendant, I now instinctively caught
his arm, and shrunk awkwardly behind him.
I quickly, however, recovered my self-possession, and began to enjoy the
gaiety of the scene. Not so my companion; who seemed miserably out of
place at a ball, and whose manner appeared even more grave and repulsive
than usual. I shall never forget the solemn abstracted air with which he
sat silently gazing on a chandelier; and then suddenly interrupting my
conversation with a half a dozen beaux, resumed the discussion of a
plan, to which I had listened with interest a few days before, for
bettering the condition of the negroes upon his plantations. But my
attention was at once withdrawn from his discourse, and from the titter
which it occasioned, when a sudden movement opening the circle which
surrounded me, gave to my view the figure of Lady Maria de Burgh.
Never had she looked so lovely. Her Ariel-like form was flying through
the dance; her blue eyes sparkling with pleasure; exercise flushing her
snowy skin with the hues of life and health. I observed the graceful
fall of her white drapery, the unadorned braids of her sunny hair, and
distrusted the taste which had loaded me with ornament.
The dance ended; and Lady Maria was going to throw herself upon a seat,
when it was suddenly taken possession of by a young man, who withdrew my
attention even from Lady Maria. The easy rudeness of this action, his
dress, his manner, his whole air, announced him to be of the first
fashion. He languidly extended a limb of the most perfect symmetry,
viewed it attentively in every direction, drew his fingers through his
elegantly dishevelled hair; then, composing himself into an attitude of
rest, began to examine the company, through an eye-glass set with
brilliants. Lady Maria having, with some difficulty, wedged herself into
a place by his side, was beginning to address him, but he turned from
her with the most fashionable yawn imaginable. Presently his eyes were
directed, or rather fell upon me; and I felt myself inclined to excuse
the plebeian vivacity, with which he instantly pointed me out to his
fair companion, seeming to enquire who I was. Her Ladyship looked, and a
toss of her head seemed to indicate that her reply was not very
favourable. An altercation then appeared to ensue; for the gentleman
rising offered the lady his hand, as if to lead her forward; the lady
frowned, pouted, flounced, and at last, with a very cloudy aspect, rose
and suffered him to conduct her towards me. Scarcely relaxing her pretty
features, she addressed me with a few words of very stately recognition;
introduced me to her brother, Lord Frederick de Burgh; and then turned
away. Miss Arnold claimed her acquaintance by a humble courtesy. Her
Ladyship, looking her full in the face, passed, 'and gave no sign.' I
was instantly possessed with the spirit of patronage; and though I had
before forgotten that Miss Arnold was in the room, I now gave her my
arm, and all the attention which I could spare from Lord Frederick de
Burgh.
For a man of fashion, Lord Frederick was tolerably amusing. He knew the
name, and a little of the private history, of every person in the room.
He flattered with considerable industry; and it was not difficult to
flatter him in return. He asked me to dance. I was engaged for the three
next dances; but disappointed one of my partners that I might sit with
Lord Frederick. His Lordship next proposed that I should waltz with him.
So much native feeling yet remained in me that I shrunk from making such
an exhibition, and at first positively refused; but, happening to
observe that Lady Maria was watching, with an eye of jealous
displeasure, her brother's attentions to me, I could not resist the
temptation of provoking her, by exhibiting these attentions to the whole
assembly; and therefore consented to dance the waltz.
I own that I bitterly repented this compliance when I found myself
standing with Lord Frederick alone, in the midst of the circle which was
instantly formed round us. I forgot even the possibility of the
admiration of which I had before been so secure. My knees knocked
together, and a mist swam before my eyes. But there was now no retreat,
and the dance began. My feelings of disquiet, however, did not rise to
their height till, towards the close of the dance, I met the eye of Mr
Maitland fixed on me in stern disapprobation. I have never yet met with
any person whose displeasure was so disagreeably awful as that of Mr
Maitland. At that moment it was more than I could bear. Hastily
concluding the dance, I darted through the crowd of spectators,
regardless of their praise or censure; and, faint and unhappy, I sunk
upon a seat.
I was instantly surrounded by persons who offered me every sort of
assistance and refreshment. Lord Frederick was particularly assiduous.
But I owed the recovery of my spirits chiefly to the sarcastic smile
with which I was eyed by Lady Maria de Burgh, whom I overheard say, with
a scornful glance at the gentlemen who crowded round me, 'Really the
trick takes admirably!' Mr Maitland now making his way towards me, said
very coldly, 'Miss Percy, if you are inclined to go home, I shall attend
you.' I was provoked at his unconcern for an uneasiness of which he had
been the chief cause; and carelessly answering that I should not go home
for an hour or two, accepted Lord Frederick's arm, and sauntered round
the room.
During the rest of the evening, I paid no further attention to my
father's friend. Once or twice I thought of him, and with an indistinct
feeling of self-reproach; but I was occupied with the assiduities of my
new admirer, and had no leisure to consider of propriety. I saw, too, or
fancied that I saw, Lady Maria make some attempts to detach her brother
from me, and I had therefore double enjoyment in detaining him by my
side. Though she affected indifference, I could easily see that she
continued to watch us; and as often as I perceived her eye turned
towards us, I laughed, flirted, and redoubled the demonstrations of our
mutual good understanding. About five in the morning the party
separated; and I, more worn out by the affectation, than exhilarated by
the reality of merriment, returned home. Lord Frederick attended me to
my carriage; and Mr Maitland having handed in Miss Arnold, bowed without
speaking, and retired.
Some very excellent and judicious persons maintain a custom of calling
to mind every night the transactions of the day; but even if the habit
of self-examination had at all entered into my system, this was
manifestly no season for its exercise. Completely exhausted, I dropped
asleep even while my poor weary maid was undressing me; and closed a day
of folly, pride, and enmity, without one serious, one repentant thought.
But why do I particularise one day? My whole course of life was aptly
described in a short dialogue with Mr Maitland. 'Miss Percy,' said he,
'I hope you are not the worse for the fatigues of last night.'--'Not in
the least, sir.'--'Well, then, are you any thing the better for them? Do
you look back on your amusement with pleasure?'--'No, I must confess, I
do not. Besides, I have not leisure to look back, I am so busily looking
forward to this evening's opera.'
Mr Maitland, sighing from the very bottom of his heart, gave me a look
which said, as intelligibly as a look could speak, 'Unfortunate,
misguided girl!' We were alone; and I was half inclined to bid him give
utterance to his sentiments, and tell me all the follies which, in his
secret soul, he ascribed to me. Pride was struggling with my respect for
his opinion, when Lord Frederick de Burgh was admitted; and the voice of
candour, and of common sense, was never again allowed to mingle discord
with the sounds of the 'harp and the viol.'
I had entered the throng who were in chase of pleasure, and I was not
formed for a languid pursuit. It became the employment of every day, of
every hour. My mornings were spent at auctions, exhibitions, and
milliners' shops; my evenings wherever fashionable folly held her court.
Miss Mortimer attempted gently to stem the torrent. She endeavoured to
remove my temptation to seek amusement abroad, by providing it for me at
home; but I had drunk of the inebriating cup, and the temperate draught
was become tasteless to me. She tried to convince my reason; but reason
was in a deep sleep, and stirred no further than to repulse the hand
which would have roused. She attempted to persuade me; and I, to escape
the subject, told her, that when I had fulfilled the engagements which
were to occupy every moment of my time for the six succeeding weeks, I
would, on some rainy Sunday, stay at home all day, and patiently swallow
my whole dose of lecture at a sitting. I look back with astonishment
upon her patient endurance of my impertinences. But she saw my follies
with the pity of a superior nature; aware, indeed, of the tremendous
difference between her state and mine, yet remembering who it was that
had 'made her to differ.'
Finding her own efforts fruitless, she endeavoured to obtain my father's
interposition. But my father considered all human kind as divided into
two classes, those who were to labour for riches, and those who were to
enjoy them; and he saw no reason for restricting me in the use of any
pleasure for which I could afford to pay. Besides, he secretly regarded
with some contempt the confined notions of Miss Mortimer, and was not
without his share of elation in the triumphs which I won. He delighted
to read, in the Morning Chronicle, that at Lady G----'s ball, the
brilliancy of Miss Percy's jewels had never been surpassed, save by the
eyes of the lovely wearer. He chuckled over the paragraph which
announced my approaching nuptials with the young Duke of ----, although
he, at the same time, declared with an oath, that 'he would take care
how he gave his daughter and his money to a fellow who might be ashamed
of his father-in-law.' Indeed he took great pleasure in bringing my
suitors, especially those of noble birth, to the point of explicit
proposal, and then overwhelming them with a tremendous preponderance of
settlement. He rejected, in this way, some unexceptionable offers; for
my splendid prospects outweighed all my folly and extravagance. I left
these matters entirely to his arrangement, for I had neither wish nor
love that did not centre in amusement. I sometimes wondered, however,
what were his intentions in regard of me, and more than half suspected
that they pointed towards Mr Maitland; but I never recollected Mr
Maitland's manner towards me, without laughing at the absurdity of such
a scheme.
In the mean time, along with a few sober suitors, I attracted danglers
innumerable; for I was the fashion; admired by fashionable men; envied
by fashionable women; and, of course, raved of by their humbler mimics
of both sexes. Each had his passing hour of influence, but the lord of
the ascendant was Lord Frederick de Burgh. He was handsome, showy,
extravagant, and even more the fashion than myself. He danced well,
drove four-in-hand, and was a very Oedipus in expounding anagrams and
conundrums. Yet it was not to these advantages alone that he owed my
preference. These might have won for him the smiles which he shared with
fifty others; but he was indebted for my peculiar grace to his
relationship with Lady Maria.
The mutual dislike of this lady and myself had been confirmed by seven
years interchange of impertinences; nor was it in the least degree
mitigated by the new circumstances in which we were placed. The leader
of fashion, for the winter, was nearly related to the De Burgh family,
and she had perhaps a stronger connection with me--she owed my father
12,000_l._ Thus she naturally became the chaperon, both to Lady Maria
and myself; and we often met in circles where a person of my rank is
usually considered as an intruder. Lady Maria, proud of an ancient
family, resented this intrusion, the more, perhaps, because I trespassed
upon rights, still dearer than the privileges of rank. I, too proud
myself to tolerate pride in another, lost no opportunity of retort; and
my ingenuity in discovering these occasions was probably heightened by
the necessity of improving them with due regard to the rules of
politeness. Our mutual acquaintance, accustomed to witness genteel
indications of hatred, soon learnt to please, by gentle sarcasms against
an absent rival; and we were never without some good-natured friend, who
could hint to each whatever debt she owed to the malice of the other. I
know not how Lady Maria might feel; but I was alternately pleased with
these sacrifices to my malevolence, and mortified by perceiving, that it
was visible to every common observer. I attempted to conceal what I was
ashamed to avow; but the arrogance and irascibility, still more than the
natural openness of my temper, unfitted me for caution; and between the
fear of exposing my rancour, and my eagerness to give it vent,--between
my quick sensibility to civil scorn, and my impatience to repay it in
kind,--I endured more pain than it would have cost me to banish from my
breast every vindictive thought.
How does one disorderly passion place us at the mercy of every creature
who will use it as a tool to serve his purpose! Even my maid endeavoured
to make her peace after the destruction of a favourite cap, by telling
me that she had quitted Lady Maria's service for mine, because she had
no pleasure in dressing her last lady, who, she said, 'was little bigger
than a doll, and not much wiser.' Miss Arnold, who, in spite of her
obsequious endeavours to please, had one day the misfortune to offend
her capricious patroness, was restored to immediate favour, by
informing me, that 'the whole town believed Lady Maria's pretended cold
to be nothing but a fit of vexation, because her father had permitted
Lord Frederick to pay his addresses to me.'
In spite of the belief of the 'whole town,' however, Lord Frederick was
still nothing more than a dangler; nor had I the slightest desire to
attract his more particular regards. I was even afraid that he should,
by a serious proposal, oblige me to dispense with his future attentions,
and thereby deprive me of the amusement of witnessing the frowns, and
tosses, and fidgetings, with which Lady Maria watched a flirtation
always redoubled when she was near.
This amusement, indeed, was obtained at the expense of incurring some
animadversion. My competitors for fashion, and of course for the notice
of fashionable men, revenged themselves for my superior success by
sarcastic comments upon my supposed conquest; each obliquely
insinuating, that she might have transferred it to herself, if she could
have descended to such means as I employed. These innuendos, however,
were softened ere they reached my ear, into gentle raillery,--friendly
questions, as to the time when I was to bless Lord Frederick with my
hand,--and tender-hearted expostulations on the cruelty of delay. Miss
G---- would speak to me in the most compassionate terms, of the envy
which my conquest excited in her poor friend Miss L----; and Miss L----,
in her turn, would implore me to marry Lord Frederick, were it only to
put poor Miss G---- out of suspense. That which should have alarmed my
caution, only flattered my vanity. Instead of discountenancing the
attacks of my acquaintance by calm and steady opposition, I invited them
by feeble defence; or at best, parried them with a playfulness which
authorised their repetition.