_=NUTTS=, with his usual customers._
_Slowgoe._ (_With newspaper._) So Parliament’s at it in earnest now.
_Nutts._ Yes; they’ve opened Solomon’s brass kettle at last.
_Slowgoe._ What do you mean by Solomon’s kettle?
_Nutts._ And did you never read the “’Rabian Nights,” where they fish
up from the sea the brass kettle with Solomon’s seal upon it? A kettle
thought to be crammed with wisdom, and when it was opened there came
out of it clouds and clouds of smoke?
_Mrs Nutts._ La! Nutts, how can you go on in that heathen way about
Parliament, after what you saw on Tuesday? I’m a sinful woman, Mr
Slowgoe, if he didn’t keep me awake half the night talking of the
Queen’s stomacher and crown of diamonds. He talked on ’em in such a
way, I almost thought I saw ’em in the room.
_Nutts._ Well, there’d have been no want of the rushlight if you had.
_Slowgoe._ (_Solemnly._) Why, you never mean to say, Mr Nutts, that you
saw her Gracious Majesty on last Tuesday, with her crown upon her head,
in the House of Lords?
_Nutts._ Saw all of it--heard all of it; but how I got into the House,
why, that’s a secret that even my tombstone shall tell to nobody.
Splendid sight! I can tell you. I haven’t got the light of the diamonds
out of my eyes yet.
_Tickle._ Perhaps, then, you’ll tell us a little about it?
_Nutts._ Well, then, you see, having got my ticket from my friend
the Minister--ha! you don’t know the private interest mixed up with
shaving, after all--having got my ticket, I say, I drove down in a
patent safety to the House of Lords, jest no more than if it was any
other public-house I was in the habit of going to.
_Limpy._ The Bag o’ Nails, or the Cat and Whistle?
_Nutts._ Just so. Human nature’s weak, and--I confess it--as I went
rolling along atween the rows of people waiting in the street, with
their feet freezing to the flags, to catch a glance of the Queen
through her carriage windows--I confess it, I did a little pity ’em.
Well, I went to the lobby, and there was such a crowd! If I trod
upon the toes of many peeresses, I hope I shall be forgiven for it. I
squeezed into the House--and wasn’t there a scramblin’ for seats! You
see, there was some benches that the ladies wanted to storm; but they
wouldn’t let ’em; they were kept for the Lords.
_Mrs Nutts._ No doubt on it. Jest like ’em.
_Nutts._ And how the ladies’ voices did ring! You would have thought
you heard all at once twenty thousand canary-birds. I expected every
minute they’d charge through the officers and carry the benches;
indeed, I’m pretty sure they’d have done it, when the sound of a
trumpet tore through the House, and on a sudden they were as mute as
mice.
_Slowgoe._ The trumpet meant her Gracious Majesty, of course?
_Nutts._ Not a bit on it: it only meant the Duke of Cambridge. Well,
when he came in, he shook hands with a lot of lords, and seemed as
happy as if he was at a prize cattle-show.
_Slowgoe._ If you’re going to be profane, much as I want to hear the
rest, I shall leave the shop. Tell your tale, and no revolutionary
comparisons. Who else did you see?
_Nutts._ Why, all the ’bassadors; and among ’em the French Ambassador,
looking as if nothing had happened, and the Spanish Princess was still
a spinster. But, bless your heart! it’s only folks that can look
anything, that are chose for ’bassadors. And then there was such clouds
of lawn!
_Nosebag._ What do you mean by clouds of lawn?
_Nutts._ Why, bishops, to be sure. They looked very noble, very fine,
for certain; and yet, somehow, to my mind, their robes didn’t seem to
fit well in with the scarlet and gold, and velvet and other finery. To
my mind, the pictur would have been quite as well without ’em.
_Slowgoe._ You’re determined that I shall leave the shop.
_Nutts._ That’s optional, of course. And then there was the judges,
kivered so with ermine as if they’d come wild into the world with the
fur upon ’em. And then there was their long wigs of justice--though why
justice, like an armchair, should be always covered with horse-hair, I
never could find out. And then, again, there was such a heap of lords.
_Slowgoe._ Ha! the flowers of the world! The lilies that neither toil
nor spin!
_Nutts._ Oh! don’t they though? If you’d have heard some of ’em, as I
did, afterwards, you’d own they did spin, and precious long yarns, too.
_Slowgoe._ I hope nothing will happen to you, Mr Nutts; but go on.
_Nutts._ On a sudden the Park guns banged, and the peeresses jumped,
and the colour came to their cheeks, and their eyes sparkled, and they
looked at their bibs and tuckers to see that all was right--nothin’
rumpled about ’em--for they know’d by the gunpowder that the Queen was
comin’.
_Mrs Nutts._ That must have been a minute!
_Nutts._ It was more than a minute--seven or eight, perhaps; and then I
don’t know how many trumpets went off with such flourishes, as if they
wound in and out every corner of you--and everybody seemed to say to
everybody, “Hush! she’s comin’.”
_Mrs Nutts._ I’m sure I should have fainted.
_Nutts._ Not unlikely; you’re weak enough for anything. But don’t
interrupt me. Well, in a minute the procession begins. The Earl of
Zetland comes in first, carrying what’s called the Cup of Maintenance.
_Nosebag._ What’s the meaning of that?
_Nutts._ Why, it means taxes to maintain the Government. After him
comes the Duke of Wellington with the Sword of State. And when I saw
it, I couldn’t help it, but I thought to myself, “Well, we human
creturs are a rum lot, when we make the thing that sheds blood the sign
of human glory.”
_Slowgoe._ (_Jumping up._) No; I’m determined! I will not stay in the
shop.
_Nutts._ Don’t; but don’t interrupt me. Then comes Lord Lansdowne,
carrying the Crown on a cushion--like a baby on a pillow--very careful
and steady, as it was right to be, for fear of spillin’ it. Then comes
the Queen herself, glistening with diamonds, as if she’d walked out of
the centre of the sun----
_Mrs Nutts._ Oh! them diamonds!
_Nutts._ Along with Prince Albert. And then they took their seats in
two chairs of state--and an empty one that’s waiting till he grows to
fill it, was beside the Queen to signify the Prince of Wales. And then
the Queen in the politest way desired the Peers to take their seats and
make themselves comfortable, which they know’d how to do directly. And
then the House of Commons came scramblin’ to the bar, a good many of
’em like very big schoolboys. And then the Queen read the Speech, and
read it beautiful; for her voice seems as sweet and clear as melted
sugar-candy. For my part, I never before heard such a voice.
_Mrs Nutts._ There, that will do, Mr Nutts. Of course; everybody before
your own wife.
_Nutts._ And when the Queen read about Ireland, she read it out as if
there was tears in her throat; but when she came to the Spanish match
and the Cracow burglary, she spoke up, and her lip shook a little, and
there was the smallest tint, no bigger than a single rose-leaf, in both
of her cheeks.
_Slowgoe._ Very proper. It does me good to hear it.
_Tickle._ And when the ceremony was all over, what now was your
thoughts about it?
_Nutts._ Well, I’ll tell you. For one moment afore the Queen arose,
when I looked about me, and saw the officers of state, and the judges,
and the bishops, and, above all, the beautiful women, all sparkle and
all smiles, seeming angels, only with feathers in their heads and not
at their backs--this thought dropped sudden on me, and all for the
moment fell into shadow, for I thought, “What a thing is this to think
of--_that all of you must die_!”
_Slowgoe._ There you are again! Always something bad to say of people
above you!
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