'It does seem a little strange even to myself. But to confess the
truth' (I could hardly keep back a bitter smile at the thought of the
truth helping me _so_), 'I had scarcely promised Philip an hour, before
I began to think I would put it off.'
'Why?' she murmured--'why?'
'It is so difficult to explain the workings of one's own mind. I am not
sure whether marriage is my vocation. I begin almost to fancy that I
must have been intended for an old maid. Would it shock you very much
if I were to be one after all?'
'You!--an old maid? How could that be? You are jesting of course.'
'I am not so sure.--But run away and dress, child. If we are late for
breakfast, auntie will fancy that all sorts of dreadful things have
happened to us.'
She obeyed me, but was, I saw, puzzled, and even a little frightened at
my jesting. The only effect of my first attempt had been to make her
startled and afraid. Her knowledge of me had not taught her to expect
that I should not know my own mind upon so momentous a question as my
marriage. My task would be difficult indeed. At breakfast she told Mrs
Tipper that my marriage was to take place the following week.
'Next week, dear?' said the thoughtful little lady, looking from one
to the other of us in a nervous startled way, adding rather confusedly:
'I did not expect--that is, I thought there would be more time
for--preparations, you know.'
'I believe it is all Mary's fault; and that she gave us so short a
notice on purpose to escape a fuss, as she calls it, auntie. But she
will not escape any the more for that, will she? A great deal may be
done in a week.'
'Of course we shall do the very best we can do in the time, dear,'
returned the little lady, looking the least self-possessed of the three
of us, as she went on to ask me in a trembling voice which day in the
week was fixed upon.
I said something about its not being decided yet, and tried to force
the conversation into other channels. But Lilian would talk about
nothing but the wedding and the preparations to be made for it. Her
forced gaiety might have deceived me, had I not known.
'You will not require to buy much, auntie; the gray moire and white
lace shawl, which you only wore once at the Warmans' _fête_, will do
beautifully with a new bonnet. But I of course must be new from head to
foot--white and blue--I suppose. The best plan will be to write to Miss
Jefferies and give her a _carte blanche_ to send everything that is
right; for we do not mind a little extra expense for such an occasion;
do we, auntie?'
'No, dear, no; of course not. But you have not asked what Mary has
chosen.'
'Oh, that will be white of course.--When is your dress coming down,
Mary? I must see that it is becomingly made; you know you are so
careless about such matters.'
I made some remark to the effect that wedding dresses and wedding
paraphernalia in general did not sufficiently interest me to seem worth
the time and trouble they cost.
But Lilian was not to be repressed, returning again and again to the
one topic.
'And you must not forget that you promised to let auntie and me take
the management of Hill Side during your absence, and see that all your
plans are being properly carried out. Nancy is to go there at once, I
suppose? Philip says that the oak furniture for the library will not
be ready for a couple of months, on account of the firm having so many
orders for the pattern you chose. And, recollect, Mary, I am to have
the pleasure of choosing _everything_ for your own little cosy; I know
your taste so well that I am sure I shall please you, and you are not
to see it until it is finished.'
All I could do was to try to give them the impression, without saying
so much in words, that I was not so much interested in the question as
might have been expected. I saw that it would not do to venture far,
with Mrs Tipper's eyes turned so watchfully and anxiously upon me.
My hardest trial was the unexpected arrival of Philip soon after
breakfast was over. Whether he had come down only to fetch the papers,
or whether it was in consequence of what had passed between himself and
Robert Wentworth, I know not, but he availed himself of the opportunity
to tell Mrs Tipper that I had consented that our marriage should take
place the following week.
At his first words I took the precaution of seating myself at the piano
with my back towards them, running the fingers of my one hand over
the notes, with a demonstration of trying the air of a new song which
he had added to our collection. Then with my fingers on the keys, I
stopped a moment--quite naturally, I flattered myself--to throw him a
few words over my shoulder.
'The idea of your taking my words so literally as all that!'
'I not only took your words literally, but mean to make you keep them
literally.'
'Oh, nonsense!'
Ah Philip, how surprised you were, as indeed you well might be, at my
assumption of flightiness! How more than surprised you were afterwards,
when I placed every obstacle I could think of in the way to prevent
our being alone together; and how honestly you tried to act the part
of a lover in the presence of Mrs Tipper and Lilian, insisting upon my
keeping my word, and refusing to accept any excuses for delay, Lilian
as honestly taking your side.
Fortunately, my maimed hand, which I kept in a sling and made the most
of, sufficed to account for my altered appearance. But for that and my
bearing towards Lilian, Philip might have suspected. Then he found me
so entirely free from anything like pique or anger towards himself,
that he could not imagine the change he observed to be occasioned by
any fault of his own. I had indeed nothing to dissemble in the way of
anger. In my moments of deepest misery, it was given me to see that
there had been no intended disloyalty to me. Philip's love for Lilian
and her love for him were simply the natural consequence of two so well
fitted for each other being thrown together intimately as they had
been. I am writing from a distance of time, and of course in a calmer
frame of mind than I was in at the moment of the trial; but I know that
my thoughts all tended to exonerate them from the first.
None knew better than did I how completely free Lilian was from
anything in the way of trying to attract, even as much as girls may
honestly do. Knowing what I did--reading both their hearts--it was
very precious to me to see their truth and fealty to the right. I knew
that if they once perceived my suffering, nothing would induce them to
accept happiness that way. I _must_ keep my nerves steady! As much as
I was able to compass that first day was to puzzle them all; but even
that was a little step--it was something that they could see the change
without discovering the cause. Quite enough to begin with.