I'm a beginning for to think as we're rayther a rum lot in this werry
strawnery world of ours. I've jest bin a collectin from sum of my
brother Waiters sum of their little historys, as far as they remembers
'em, and werry strange and werry warious sum on 'em is. There's one pore
chap who's about as onest and as atentif a Waiter as I nos on anywheres,
but you never, no never, ewer sees him smile, not ewen wen a ginerus old
Deputy, or a new maid Alderman, gives him harf-a-crown! I've offen and
offen tried to cheer him hup with a good old glass of ginerus port, wen
sum reglar swells has bin a dining and has not emtied the bottels--as
reel Gennelmen never does--but never quite suck-seeded, tho' he drank
down his wine fast enuff and ewidently injoyed it quite as much as if
he'd paid for it, praps jest a leetle bit more. So one day I wentured to
arsk him how it was as he was allers as sollem as a Churchwarden at a
Charity Sermon, or a Clown in summer time, and he told me as it was all
causd by the suckemstances of his hurly life, which he had never been
abel to shake off hisself, pore Fellar! tho' they was none of 'em his
own fault, which they was as follers.
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To begin with. He was born on a Fryday, on the 1st of April, and amost
all his days for years after seems to have been either Frydays or Fust
of Aprils, sumtimes one, sumtimes tother, sumtimes both. He was the
youngest of eleven children, and so made the family party consist of 13,
always as we all knos a unlucky number, and he seemed to have been
treeted as if it had bin his own fault, which in course it wasn't, not
by no means, no more than it was his fault the having the Skarlet Fever
on one Crismus Day, which he did to heverybody's disgust.
He was afterwards told by his old Nuss BECKY that one speshal greevance
of his pore mother was, that her youngest child being seven years old
when BILLY was born, all the warious prepperashuns customary on such
himportant occasions had been dun away with as useless, ewen to the
customary gigantick Pincushon, so that in his case there was no "Welcum
to the Little Stranger!" So long, too, as his oldest brother remained at
tome, he was never allowed to set down to dinner with the rest of the
famerly, because, in course, he made up the unlucky number, the werry
nateral consequence being, that when his oldest brother suddenly took
his departure from among 'em, poor little BILLY was werry severely
flogged for setting down to dinner with a smiling countinghouse! Of
course ewery time as his unfortnit Birthday came round he was made a
April Fool of, all his six lovin Brothers jining in the sport, one arter
the other, nearly all day long. When he went to school, ewerybody knowed
of his afflickshun, and made a fool of him, hushers and all.
After he growed up, his Father got him a plaice at a Lunatic Asylum, as
being the most properest for his sollem natur; and there he remained for
no less than five years!
Then, on the other hand, there's old TOM, or rayther yung TOM, for he's
one of them jolly chaps as never seems to get no older. Why he goes
about a grinning away, and a chatting away, and a chaffing of old BILL,
who's much younger than him, like anythink. So I naterally arsked him
how he acounted for his good sperrits. And what was his arnser? Why,
hurly training. His Father was a Comic Play Actor, and allers ready for
a larf, and offen took yung TOM with him to the Theater till he becum
quite a favrite with all the merry gals there, who used to pet him, and
give him sweets, and teach him to say all sorts of funny things; and,
when he was old enuff, he was promoted to the dignity of a full-blown
Super, at 18 shillings a week, and all his close found. His grate
differculty was in looking serious and keeping serious when serious
bizziness was a going on; and on one occashun, when he was playing one
of a band of sangwinerry ruffians, sumthink so took his fansy, that he
not only bust into a loud larf hisself, but set all the rest of the
sangwinerry ruffians a larfing too, and quite spiled all the effect of
the scene. So he was bundled off neck and crop, and soon afterwards got
a sitewashun as a Pleaceman, but, for the life of him, he never could
keep hisself serious when he was before a Magistrate with a case; for if
ennybody made a joke, or ennybody larfed, TOM set off a grinning with
the best of 'em, and once axshally made a joke with his Worship; so of
course off he was sent again, to find a rest for the soles of his feet,
and a free play for his good sperrits, in the honnerabel capacity of a
Waiter.