_Any one who felt that the first Act was perhaps a little vulgar,
will be glad to learn that we’re now on the lawn of the White
House. Indeed, a corner of the Executive Mansion projects
magnificently into sight, and steps lead up to the imposing
swinging doors of a “Family Entrance.” From the window of the
President’s office a flag flutters, and the awning displays this
legend_:
THE WHITE HOUSE
JERRY FROST, PRES.
_And if you look hard enough at the office window you can see the
President himself sitting at his desk inside._
_The lawn, bounded by a white brick wall, is no less attractive.
Not only are there white vines and flowers, a beautiful white tree,
and a white table and chairs, but, also, a large sign over the
gate, which bears the President’s name pricked out in electric
bulbs._
_Two white kittens are strolling along the wall, enjoying the
ten-o’clock sunshine. A blond parrot swings in a cage over the
table, and one of the chairs is at present occupied by a white
fox-terrier puppy about the size of your hand._
_That’s right. “Isn’t it darling!” We’ll let you watch it for a
moment before we move into the Whirl of Public Affairs._
_Look! Here comes somebody out. It’s Mr. Jones, the well-known
politician, now secretary to President Frost. He has a white broom
in his hands, and, after delighting the puppy with an absolutely
white bone, he begins to sweep off the White House steps. At this
point the gate swings open and Charlotte Frost comes in. As befits
the first Lady of the Land, she is elaborately dressed--in the
height of many fashions. She’s evidently been shopping--her arms
are full of packages--but she has nevertheless seen fit to array
herself in a gorgeous evening dress, with an interminable train.
From her wide picture hat a plume dangles almost to the ground._
_Mr. Jones politely relieves her of her bundles._
CHARLOTTE [_abruptly_]. Good morning, Mr. Jones. Has everything gone to
pieces?
_Mr. Jones looks her over in some surprise._
JONES [_apologetically_]. Well, perhaps the petticoat----
CHARLOTTE [_a little stiffly_]. I didn’t mention myself, I don’t think,
Mr. Jones. I meant all my husband’s public affairs.
JONES. He’s been in his office all morning, Mrs. Frost. There are a lot
of people waiting to see him.
CHARLOTTE. [_She’s relieved._] I heard them calling an extra, and I
thought maybe everything had gone to pieces.
JONES. No, Mrs. Frost, the President hasn’t made any bad mistake for
some time now. Of course, a lot of people objected when he appointed his
father Secretary of the Treasury; his father’s being so old----
CHARLOTTE. Well, I’ve had to stand for his family all my life--so I
guess the country can. [_Confidentially._]
JONES [_a little embarrassed_]. I see you’ve been shopping.
CHARLOTTE. I’ve been buying some things for my sister’s wedding
reception this afternoon.
_The window of President Frost’s office opens abruptly. A white
cigar emerges--followed by Jerry’s hairless eyebrows--passionately
knit._
JERRY. All right. Go on and yell--and then when I make some awful
mistake and the country goes to pieces, blame it on me!
CHARLOTTE [_very patiently_]. Nagging me again. Picking on me.
Pick--pick--pick! All day!
JERRY. Gosh, you can be disagreeable, Charlit!
CHARLOTTE. Pick--pick--pick!
JERRY [_confused_]. Pick?
CHARLOTTE [_sharply_]. Pick!
_Jerry jams down his window._
_Meanwhile from the window above has emerged a hand holding a
mirror. The hand is presently followed by a head with the hair
slicked back damply. Doris, sister-in-law to the President, is
seeking more light for her afternoon toilet._
DORIS [_disapprovingly_]. I can hear you two washing your clothes in
public all over the lawn.
CHARLOTTE. He keeps nagging at me.
_Doris begins to apply a white lotion to her face. She daubs it at
a freckle on her nose, and gazes passionately at the resultant
white splotch._
DORIS [_abstractedly_]. I should think you’d get so you could stand him
in public, anyways.
CHARLOTTE. He makes me madder in public than anywhere else.
_She gathers her bundles and goes angrily into the White House.
Doris glances down at Mr. Jones, and, deciding hastily that she is
too publicly placid, withdraws her person from sight._
_Jones picks up his broom and is about to go inside when a
uniformed chauffeur opens the gate and announces:_
“The Honorable Joseph Fish, Senator from Idaho.”
_And now here’s Joseph Fish, in an enormous frock-coat and a tall
silk hat, radiating an air of appalling prosperity._
FISH. Good morning, Mr. Jones. Is my fiancée around?
JONES. I believe she’s in her boudoir, Senator Fish. How is everything
down at the capital?
FISH [_gloomily_]. Awful! I’m in a terrible position, Mr. Jones--and
this was to have been my wedding reception day. Listen to this. [_He
takes a telegram from his pocket._] “Senator Joseph Fish, Washington, D.
C. Present the State of Idaho’s compliments to President Frost and tell
him that the people of Idaho demand his immediate resignation.”
JONES. This is terrible!
FISH. It’s because he made his father Secretary of the Treasury.
JONES. This will be depressing news to the President.
FISH. But think of _me_! This was to have been my wedding reception
day. What will Doris say when she hears about this. I’ve got to ask her
own brother-in-law to--to move out of his home?
JONES. Have a cocktail.
_He takes a shaker and glasses from behind a porch pillar and pours
out two drinks._
JONES. I saw this coming. But I’ll tell you now, Senator Fish, the
President won’t resign.
FISH. Then it’ll be my duty to have him impeached.
JONES. Shall I call the President now?
FISH. Let’s wait until eleven o’clock. Give me one more hour of
happiness. [_He raises his eyes pathetically to the upper window._]
Doris--oh Doris!
_Doris, now fully dressed and under the influence of cosmetics,
comes out onto the lawn. Mr. Jones, picking up the broom and the
puppy, goes into the White House._
FISH [_jealously_]. Where were you all day yesterday?
DORIS [_languidly_]. An old beau of mine came to see me and kept hanging
around.
FISH [_in wild alarm_]. Good God! What’d he say?
DORIS. He said I was stuck up because my brother-in-law was President,
and I said: “Well, what if I am? I’d hate to say what your
brother-in-law is.”
FISH [_fascinated_]. What is he?
DORIS. He owns a garbage disposal service.
FISH [_even more fascinated_]. Is that right? Can you notice it on his
brother-in-law?
DORIS. Something awful. I wouldn’t of let him come in the house. Imagine
if somebody came in to see you and said: “Sniff. Sniff. Who’s been
sitting on these chairs?” And you said: “Oh, just my brother-in-law, the
garbage disposal man.”
FISH. Doris--Doris, an awful thing has occurred----
DORIS [_looking out the gate_]. Here comes Dada. Say, he must be going
on to between eighty and ninety years old, if not older.
FISH [_gloomily_]. Why did your brother-in-law have to go and make him
Secretary of the Treasury? He might as well have gone to an old men’s
home and said: “See here, I want to get eight old dumb-bells for my
cabinet.”
DORIS. Oh, Jerry does everything all wrong. You see, he thought his
father had read a lot of books--the Bible and the Encyclopædia and the
Dictionary and all.
_In totters Dada. Prosperity has spruced him up, but not to any
alarming extent. The hair on his face is not under cultivation. His
small, watery eyes gleam dully in their ragged ovals. His mouth
laps faintly at all times, like a lake with tides mildly agitated
by the moon._
FISH. Good morning, Mr. Frost.
DADA [_dimly_]. Hm.
_He is under the impression that he has made an adequate response._
DORIS [_tolerantly_]. Dada, kindly meet my fiancé--Senator Fish from
Idaho.
DADA [_expansively_]. Young man, how do you do? I feel very well. You
wouldn’t think I was eighty-eight years old, would you?
FISH [_politely_]. I should say not.
DORIS. You’d think he was two hundred.
DADA [_who missed this_]. Yeah. [_A long pause._] We used to have a joke
when I was young--we used to say the first Frosts came to this country
in the beginning of winter.
DORIS. Funny as a crutch.
DADA [_to Fish_]. Do you ever read the Scriptures?
FISH. Sometimes.
DADA. I’m the Secretary of the Treasury, you know. My son made me the
Secretary of the Treasury. He’s the President. He was my only boy by my
second wife.
DORIS. The old dumb-bell!
DADA. I was born in 1834, under the presidency of Andrew Jackson. I was
twenty-seven years old when the war broke out.
DORIS [_sarcastically_]. Do you mean the Revolutionary War?
DADA [_witheringly_]. The Revolutionary War was in 1776.
DORIS. Tell me something I don’t know.
DADA. When you grow older you’ll find there are a lot of things you
don’t know. [_To Fish._] Do you know my son Jerry?
DORIS [_utterly disgusted_]. Oh, gosh!
FISH. I met your son before he was elected President and I’ve seen him a
lot of times since then, on account of being Senator from Idaho and all,
and on account of Doris. You see, we’re going to have our wedding
reception this afternoon----
_In the middle of this speech Dada’s mind has begun to wander. He
utters a vague “Hm!” and moves off, paying no further attention,
and passing through the swinging doors into the White House._
FISH [_impressed in spite of himself by Dada’s great age_]. He’s
probably had a lot of experience, that old bird. He was alive before you
were born.
DORIS. So were a lot of other old nuts. Come on--let’s go hire the music
for our wedding reception.
FISH [_remembering something with a start_]. Doris--Doris, would you
have a wedding reception with me if you knew--if you knew the
disagreeable duty----
DORIS. Knew what?
FISH. Nothing. I’m going to be happy, anyways [_he looks at his
watch_]--for almost an hour.
_They go out through the garden gate._
_And now President Jerry Frost himself is seen to leave his window
and in a minute he emerges from the Executive Mansion. He wears a
loose-fitting white flannel frock coat, and a tall white stovepipe
hat. His heavy gold watch-chain would anchor a small yacht, and he
carries a white stick, ringed with a gold band._
_After rubbing his back sensuously against a porch pillar, he walks
with caution across the lawn and his hand is on the gate-latch when
he is hailed from the porch by Mr. Jones._
JONES. Mr. President, where are you going?
JERRY [_uneasily_]. I thought I’d go down and get a cigar.
JONES [_cynically_]. It doesn’t look well for you to play dice for
cigars, sir.
_Jerry sits down wearily and puts his hat on the table._
JONES. I’m sorry to say there’s trouble in the air, Mr. President. It’s
what we might refer to as the Idaho matter.
JERRY. The Idaho matter?
JONES. Senator Fish has received orders from Idaho to demand your
resignation at eleven o’clock this morning.
JERRY. I never liked that bunch of people they got out there in Idaho.
JONES. Well, I just thought I’d tell you--so you could think about it.
JERRY [_hopefully_]. Maybe I’ll get some idea how to fix it up. I’m a
very resourceful man. I always think of something.
JONES. Mr. President, would you--would you mind telling me how you got
your start?
JERRY [_carelessly_]. Oh, I got analyzed one day, and they just found I
was sort of a good man and would just be wasting my time as a railroad
clerk.
JONES. So you forged ahead?
JERRY. Sure. I just made up my mind to be President, and then I went
ahead and did it. I’ve always been a very ambitious sort of--sort of
domineerer.
_Jones sighs and takes several letters from his pocket._
JONES. The morning mail.
JERRY [_looking at the first letter_]. This one’s an ad, I’ll bet. [_He
opens it._] “Expert mechanics, chauffeurs, plumbers earn big money. We
fit you in twelve lessons.” [_He looks up._] I wonder if there’s
anything personal in that. If there is it’s a low sort of joke.
JONES [_soothingly_]. Oh, I don’t think there is.
JERRY [_offended_]. Anybody that’d play a joke like that on a person
that has all the responsibility of being President, and then to have
somebody play a low, mean joke on him like that!
JONES. I’ll write them a disagreeable letter.
JERRY. All right. But make it sort of careless, as if it didn’t matter
to me.
JONES. I can begin the letter “Damn Sirs” instead of “Dear Sirs.”
JERRY. Sure, that’s the idea. And put something like that in the ending,
too.
JONES. “Yours insincerely,” or something like that.... Now there’s a few
people waiting in here to see you, sir. [_He takes out a list._] First,
there’s somebody that’s been ordered to be hung.
JERRY. What about him?
JONES. I think he wants to arrange it some way so he won’t be hung. Then
there’s a man that’s got a scheme for changing everybody in the United
States green.
JERRY [_puzzled_]. Green?
JONES. That’s what he says.
JERRY. Why green?
JONES. He didn’t say. I told him not to wait. And there’s the Ambassador
from Abyssinia. He says that one of our sailors on leave in Abyssinia
threw the king’s cousin down a flight of thirty-nine steps.
JERRY [_after a pause_]. What do you think I ought to do about that?
JONES. Well, I think you ought to--well, send flowers or something, to
sort of recognize that the thing had happened.
JERRY [_somewhat awed_]. Is the king’s cousin sore?
JONES. Well, naturally he----
JERRY. I don’t mean sore that way. I mean did he--did he take it hard?
Did he think there was any ill feeling from the United States Government
in the sailor’s--action?
JONES. Why, I suppose you might say yes.
JERRY. Well, you tell him that the sailor had no instructions to do any
such thing. Demand the sailor’s resignation.
JONES. And Major-General Pushing has been waiting to see you for some
time. Shall I tell him to come out here?
JERRY. All right.
_Jones goes into the White House and returns, announcing:
“Major-General Pushing, U. S. A.”_
_Out marches General Pushing. He is accompanied at three paces by a
fifer and drummer, who play a spirited march. When the General
reaches the President’s table the trio halt, the fife and drum
cease playing, and the General salutes._
_The General is a small fat man with a fierce gray mustache. His
chest and back are fairly obliterated with medals, and he is
wearing one of those great shakos peculiar to drum-majors._
JERRY. Good morning, General Pushing. Did they keep you waiting?
GENERAL PUSHING [_fiercely_]. That’s all right. We’ve been marking
time--it’s good for some of the muscles.
JERRY. How’s the army?
GENERAL PUSHING. Very well, Mr. President. Several of the privates have
complained of headaches. [_He clears his throat portentously._] I’ve
called on you to say I’m afraid we’ve got to have war. I held a
conference last night with two others of our best generals. We discussed
the matter thoroughly, and then we took a vote. Three to nothing in
favor of war.
JERRY [_alarmed_]. Look at here, General Pushing, I’ve got a lot of
things on my hands now, and the last thing I want to have is a war.
GENERAL PUSHING. I knew things weren’t going very well with you, Mr.
President. In fact, I’ve always thought that what this country needs is
a military man at the head of it. The people are restless and excited.
The best thing to keep their minds occupied is a good war. It will leave
the country weak and shaken--but docile, Mr. President, docile.
Besides--we voted on it, and there you are.
JERRY. Who is it against?
GENERAL PUSHING. That we have not decided. We’re going to take up the
details to-night. It depends on--just how much money there is in the
Treasury. Would you mind calling up your--_father_-- [_the General gives
this word an ironic accentuation_]--and finding out?
_Jerry takes up the white telephone from the table. Jones meanwhile
has produced the shaker and glasses. He pours a cocktail for every
one--even for the fifer and drummer._
JERRY [_at the ’phone_]. Connect me with the Treasury Department,
please.... Is this the Treasury?... This is President Frost.... Oh, I’m
very well, thanks. No, it’s better. Much better. The dentist says he
doesn’t think I’ll have to have it out now.... Say, what I called you
up about is to find how much money there is in the Treasury.... Oh, I
see.... Oh, I see. Thanks. [_He hangs up the receiver._]
JERRY [_worried_]. General Pushing, things seem to be a little confused
over at the Treasury. Dada--the Secretary of the Treasury isn’t there
right now--and they say nobody else knows much about it.
GENERAL PUSHING [_disapprovingly_]. Hm! I could put you on a nice war
pretty cheap. I could manage a battle or so for almost nothing. [_With
rising impatience._] But a good President ought to be able to tell just
how much we could afford.
JERRY [_chastened_]. I’ll find out from Dada.
GENERAL PUSHING [_meaningly_]. Being President is a sacred trust, you
know, Mr. Frost.
JERRY. Well, I know it’s a sacred trust, don’t I?
GENERAL PUSHING [_sternly_]. Are you proud of it?
JERRY [_utterly crestfallen_]. Of course, I’m proud of it. Don’t I look
proud? I’m proud as a pecan. [_Resentfully._] What do you know about it,
anyways? You’re nothing but a common soldier--I mean a common general.
GENERAL PUSHING [_pityingly_]. I came here to help you, Mr. Frost.
[_With warning emphasis._] Perhaps you are aware that the sovereign
State of Idaho is about to ask your resignation.
JERRY [_now thoroughly resentful_]. Look at here, suppose you be the
President for a while, if you know so much about it.
GENERAL PUSHING [_complacently_]. I’ve often thought that what this
country needs is a military man at the head of it.
JERRY. All right, then, you just take off that hat and coat!
_Jerry takes off his own coat. Jones rushes forward in alarm._
JONES. If there’s going to be a fight hadn’t we all better go into the
billiard-room?
JERRY [_insistently to General Pushing_]. Take off that hat and coat!
GENERAL PUSHING [_aghast_]. But, Mr. President----
JERRY. Listen here--if I’m the President you do what I say.
_General Pushing obediently removes his sword and takes off his hat
and coat. He assumes a crouching posture and, putting up his fists,
begins to dance menacingly around Jerry._
_But, instead of squaring off, Jerry gets quickly into the
General’s hat and coat and buckles on the sword._
JERRY. All right, since you know so much about being President, you put
on my hat and coat and try it for a while.
_The General, greatly taken aback, looks from Jerry to Jerry’s
coat, with startled eyes. Jerry swaggers up and down the lawn,
brandishing the sword. Then his eyes fall with distaste upon the
General’s shirtsleeves._
JERRY. Well, what are you moping around for?
GENERAL PUSHING [_plaintively_]. Come on, Mr. President, be reasonable.
Give me that coat and hat. Nobody appreciates a good joke any more than
I do, but----
JERRY [_emphatically_]. No, I _won’t_ give them to you. I’m a general,
and I’m going to war. You can stay around here. [_Sarcastically, to Mr.
Jones._] He’ll straighten everything out, Mr. Jones.
GENERAL PUSHING [_pleadingly_]. Mr. President, I’ve waited for this war
for forty years. You wouldn’t take away my coat and hat like that, just
as we’ve got it almost ready.
JERRY [_pointing to the shirtsleeves_]. That’s a nice costume to be
hanging around the White House in.
GENERAL PUSHING [_brokenly_]. I can’t help it, can I? Who took my coat
and hat, anyhow?
JERRY. If you don’t like it you can get out.
GENERAL PUSHING [_sarcastically_]. Yes. Nice lot of talk it’d cause if I
went back to the War Department looking like this. “Where’s your hat and
coat, General?” “Oh, I just thought I’d come down in my suspenders this
morning.”
JERRY. You can have my coat--and my troubles.
_Charlotte comes suddenly out of the White House, and they turn
startled eyes upon her, like two guilty schoolboys._
CHARLOTTE [_staring_]. What’s the matter? Has everything gone to pieces?
GENERAL PUSHING [_on the verge of tears_]. He took my coat and hat.
CHARLOTTE [_pointing to the General_]. Who is that man?
GENERAL PUSHING [_in a dismal whine_]. I’m Major-General Pushing, I am.
CHARLOTTE. I don’t believe it.
JERRY [_uneasily_]. Yes, he is, Charlit. I was just kidding him.
CHARLOTTE [_understanding immediately_]. Oh, you’ve been _nag_ging
people again.
JERRY [_beginning to unbutton the coat_]. The General was nagging me,
Charlit. I’ve just been teaching him a lesson--haven’t I, General?
_He struggles out of the General’s coat and into his own. The
General, grunting his relief and disgust, re-attires himself in the
military garment._
JERRY [_losing confidence under Charlotte’s stare_]. Honest,
everything’s getting on my nerves. First it’s some correspondence school
getting funny, and then _he_ [_indicating the General_] comes around,
and then all the people out in Idaho----
CHARLOTTE [_with brows high_]. Well, if you want to know what _I_ think,
_I_ think everything’s going to pieces.
JERRY. No, it isn’t, Charlit. I’m going to fix everything. I’ve got a
firm grip on everything. Haven’t I, Mr. Jones? I’m just nervous, that’s
all.
GENERAL PUSHING [_now completely buttoned up, physically and mentally_].
In my opinion, sir, you’re a very dangerous man. I have served under
eight Presidents, but I have never before lost my coat and hat. I bid
you good morning, Mr. President. You’ll hear from me later.
_At his salute the fife and drum commence to play. The trio execute
about face, and the escort, at three paces, follows the General out
the gate._
_Jerry stares uneasily after them._
JERRY. Everybody’s always saying that I’m going to hear from ’em later.
They want to kick me out of this job--that’s what they want. They think
I don’t know.
JONES. The people elected you, Mr. President. And the people want
you--all except the ones out in Idaho.
CHARLOTTE [_anxiously_]. Couldn’t you be on the safe side and have
yourself reduced to Vice-President, or something?
A NEWSBOY [_outside_]. Extra! Extra! Idaho says: “Resign or be
Impeached.”
JERRY. Was that newsboy yelling something about me?
CHARLOTTE [_witheringly_]. He never so much as mentioned you.
_In response to Mr. Jones’s whistle a full-grown newsboy comes in
at the gate. He hands Jerry a paper and is given a bill._
JERRY [_carelessly_]. Keep the change. It’s all right. I’ve got a big
salary.
THE NEWSBOY [_pointing to Jerry’s frock coat_]. I almost had one of them
dress suits once.
JERRY [_not without satisfaction_]. I got six of them.
THE NEWSBOY. I hadda get one so I could take a high degree in the Ku
Klux. But I didn’t get one.
JERRY [_absorbed in the paper_]. I got six of ’em.
THE NEWSBOY. I ain’t got none. Well, much obliged. So long.
_The newsboy goes out._
JONES [_reading over Jerry’s shoulder_]. It says: “Idaho flays Treasury
choice.”
CHARLOTTE [_wide-eyed_]. Does that mean they’re going to flay Dada?
JONES [_looking at his watch_]. Senator Fish will be here at any moment
now.
CHARLOTTE. Well, all I know is that I’d show some spunk and not let them
kick _me_ out, even if I _was_ the worst President they ever had.
JERRY. Listen, Charlit, you needn’t remind me of it every minute.
CHARLOTTE. I didn’t remind you of it. I just mentioned it in an ordinary
tone of voice.
_She goes into the White House. Senator Joseph Fish comes in
hesitantly through the gate._
JERRY [_to Jones_]. Here comes the State of Idaho.
FISH [_timorously_]. Good morning, Mr. President. How are you?
JERRY. Oh, I’m all right.
FISH [_hurriedly producing the telegram and mumbling his words_]. Got a
little matter here, disagreeable duty. Want to get through as quickly as
possible. “Senator Joseph Fish, Washington, D. C. Present the State of
Idaho’s compliments to President Frost, and tell him that the people of
Idaho demand his immediate resignation.” [_He folds up the telegram and
puts it in his pocket._] Well, Mr. President, I guess I got to be going.
[_He moves toward the gate and then hesitates._] This was to have been
my wedding-reception day. Of course, Doris will never marry me now. It’s
a very depressing thing to me, President Frost. [_With his hand on the
gate latch._] I suppose you want me to tell ’em you won’t resign, don’t
you?
JONES. We won’t resign.
FISH. Well, then it’s only right to tell you that Judge Fossile of the
Supreme Court will bring a motion of impeachment at three o’clock this
afternoon.
_He turns melancholy eyes on Doris’s window. He kisses his hand
toward it in a tragic gesture of farewell. Then he goes out._
_Jerry looks at Mr. Jones as though demanding encouragement._
JERRY. They don’t know the man they’re up against, do they, Mr. Jones?
JONES. They certainly do not.
JERRY [_lying desperately and not even convincing himself_]. I’ve got
resources they don’t know about.
JONES. If you’ll pardon a suggestion, I think the best move you could
make, Mr. President, would be to demand your father’s resignation
immediately.
JERRY [_incredulously_]. Put Dada out? Why, he used to work in a bank
when he was young, and he knows all about the different amounts of
money.
_A pause._
JERRY [_uncertainly_]. Do you think I’m the worst President they ever
had?
JONES [_considering_]. Well, no, there was that one they impeached.
JERRY [_consoling himself_]. And then there was that other fellow--I
forget his name. He was _ter_rible. [_Another disconsolate pause._] I
suppose I might as well go down and get a cigar.
JONES. There’s just one more man out here to see you and he says he came
to do you a favor. His name is--the Honorable Snooks, or Snukes,
Ambassador from Irish Poland.
JERRY. What country’s that?
JONES. Irish Poland’s one of the new European countries. They took a
sort of job lot of territories that nobody could use and made a country
out of them. It’s got three or four acres of Russia and a couple of
mines in Austria and a few lots in Bulgaria and Turkey.
JERRY. Show them all out here.
JONES. There’s only one. [_He goes into the White House, returning
immediately._]
JONES. The Honorable Snooks, or Snukes, Ambassador to the United States
from Irish Poland.
_The Honorable Snooks comes out through the swinging doors. His
resemblance to Mr. Snooks, the bootlegger, is, to say the least,
astounding. But his clothes--they are the clothes of the Corps
Diplomatique. Red stockings enclose his calves, fading at the knee
into black satin breeches. His coat, I regret to say, is faintly
reminiscent of the Order of Mystic Shriners, but a broad red ribbon
slanting diagonally across his diaphragm gives the upper part of
his body a svelte, cosmopolitan air. At his side is slung an
unusually long and cumbersome sword._
_He comes in slowly, I might even say cynically, and after a brief
nod at Jerry, surveys his surroundings with an appraising eye._
_Jones goes to the table and begins writing._
SNOOKS. Got a nice house, ain’t you?
JERRY [_still depressed from recent reverses_]. Yeah.
SNOOKS. Wite, hey?
JERRY [_as if he had just noticed it_]. Yeah, white.
SNOOKS [_after a pause_]. Get dirty quick.
JERRY [_adopting an equally laconic manner_]. Have it washed.
SNOOKS. How’s your old woman?
JERRY [_uneasily_]. She’s all right. Have a cigar?
SNOOKS [_taking the proffered cigar_]. Thanks.
JERRY. That’s all right. I got a lot of them.
SNOOKS. That’s some cigar.
JERRY. I got a lot of them. I don’t smoke that kind myself, but I got a
lot of them.
SNOOKS. That’s swell.
JERRY [_becoming boastful_]. See that tree? [_The white tree._] Look,
that’s a special tree. You never saw a tree like that before. Nobody’s
got one but me. That tree was given to me by some natives.
SNOOKS. That’s swell.
JERRY. See this cane? The band around it’s solid gold.
SNOOKS. Is that right? I thought maybe it was to keep the squirrels from
crawling up. [_Abruptly._] Need any liquor? I get a lot, you know, on
account of bein’ an ambassador. Gin, vermuth, bitters, absinthe?
JERRY. No, I don’t.... See that sign? I bet you never saw one like that
before. I had it invented.
SNOOKS [_bored_]. Class. [_Switching the subject._] I hear you made your
old man Secretary of the Treasury.
JERRY. My father used to work in a----
SNOOKS. You’d ought to made him official Sandy Claus.... How you gettin’
away with your job?
JERRY [_lying_]. Oh, fine--fine! You ought to see the military review
they had for me last week. Thousands and thousands of soldiers, and
everybody cheered when they saw me. [_Heartily._] It was sort of
inspiring.
SNOOKS. I seen you plantin’ trees in the movies.
JERRY [_excitedly_]. Sure. I do that almost every day. That’s nothing to
some of the things I have to do. But the thing is, I’m not a bit stuck
up about any of it. See that gate?
SNOOKS. Yeah.
JERRY [_now completely and childishly happy_]. I had it made that way so
that anybody passing by along the street can look in. Cheer them up,
see? Sometimes I come out here and sit around just so if anybody passes
by--well, there I am.
SNOOKS [_sarcastically_]. You ought to have yourself covered with radium
so they can see you in the dark. [_He changes his tone now and comes
down to business._] Say, you’re lucky I found you in this morning. Got
the time with you?
_Jerry pulls out his watch. Snooks takes it as though to inspect it
more closely._
Look here now, Mr. President. I got a swell scheme for you.
JERRY [_trying to look keen_]. Let’s hear it.
SNOOKS. You needn’t got to think now, just ’cause I’m a hunerd per cent
Irish Pole, that I ain’t goin’ to do the other guy a favor once in a
while. An’ I got somep’m smooth for you. [_He puts Jerry’s watch in his
own pocket--the nerve of the man!_]
JERRY. What is it?
SNOOKS [_confidentially_]. Islands.
JERRY. What islands?
SNOOKS. The Buzzard Islands.
_Jerry looks blank._
Ain’t you neva hearda the Buzzard Islands?
JERRY [_apologetically_]. I never was any good at geography. I used to
be pretty good in penmanship.
SNOOKS [_in horror_]. You ain’t neva hearda the Buzzard Islands?
JERRY. It’s sort of a disagreeable name.
SNOOKS. The Buzzard Islands. Property of the country of Irish Poland.
Garden spots. Flowery paradises ina middle of the Atlantic. Rainbow
Islandsa milk an’ honey, palms an’ pines, smellin’ with good-smellin’
woods and high-priced spices. Fulla animals with million buck skins and
with birds that’s got feathers that the hat dives on Fifth Avenue would
go nuts about. The folks in ee islands--swell-lookin’, husky, square,
rich, one hunerd per cent Buzzardites.
JERRY [_startled_]. You mean Buzzards?
SNOOKS. One hunerd per cent Buzzardites, crazy about their island,
butter, milk, live stock, wives, and industries.
JERRY [_fascinated_]. Sounds sort of pretty, don’t it?
SNOOKS. Pretty? Say, it’s smooth! Now here’s my proposition, an’ take it
from me, it’s the real stuff. [_Impressively._] The country of Irish
Poland wants to sell you the Buzzard Islands--cheap.
JERRY [_impressed_]. You’re willing to sell ’em, eh?
SNOOKS. Listen. I’ll be fair with you. [_I regret to say that at this
point he leans close to Jerry, removes the latter’s stick pin and places
it in his own tie._] I’ve handed you the swellest proposition ever laid
before a President since Andrew Jackson bought the population of Ireland
from Great Britain.
JERRY. Yeah?
SNOOKS [_intently_]. Take it from me, Pres, and snap it up--dead cheap.
JERRY. You’re sure it’s a good----
SNOOKS [_indignantly_]. Say, do you think an ambassador would tell you
something that ain’t true?
JERRY [“_man to man_”]. That’s right, Mr. Snooks. I beg your pardon for
that remark.
SNOOKS [_touching his handkerchief to his eyes_]. You hurt me, Pres, you
hurt me, but I forgive you.
_They shake hands warmly._
_And now Jerry has an idea--a gorgeous idea. Why didn’t he think of
it before? His voice literally trembles as he lays his plan before
Snooks._
JERRY. Honorable Snooks, listen. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll--I’ll
take those Islands and pay--oh, say a round million dollars for them, on
one condition.
SNOOKS [_quickly_]. Done. Name your condition.
JERRY [_breathlessly_]. That you’ll let me throw in one of the States on
the trade.
SNOOKS. What State?
JERRY. The State of Idaho.
SNOOKS. How much do you want for it?
JERRY [_hastily_]. Oh, I’ll just throw that in free.
_Snooks indicates Mr. Jones with his thumb._
SNOOKS. Get him to take it down.
_Jones takes pen in hand. During the ensuing conversation he writes
busily._
JERRY [_anxiously_]. The State of Idaho is just a gift, see? But you
_got_ to take it.
_Suddenly the Honorable Snooks realizes how the land lies. He looks
narrowly at Jerry, marvelling at an opportunity so ready to his
hand._
JERRY [_to Jones_]. Here, get this down. We agree to buy the Buzzard
Islands from the nation of Irish Poland for one million----
SNOOKS [_interrupting_]. Two million.
JERRY. Two million dollars, on condition that Irish Poland will also
incorporate into their nation the State of Idaho, with all its people.
Be sure and get that, Jones. With all its people.
JONES. I have it. The State of Idaho and four hundred and thirty-one
thousand, eight hundred and sixty-six people. Including colored?
JERRY. Yes, including colored.
SNOOKS [_craftily_]. Just a minute, Pres. This here State of Idaho is
mostly mountains, ain’t it?
JERRY [_anxiously_]. I don’t know. Is it, Mr. Jones?
JONES. It has quite a few mountains.
SNOOKS [_hesitating_]. Well, now, I don’t know if we better do it after
all----
JERRY [_quickly_]. Three millions.
SNOOKS. I’ll tell you, I’d like to pull it off for you, Pres, but you
see a State like that has gotta have upkeep. You take one of them
mountains, for instance. You can’t just let a mountain alone like you
would a--a ocean. You got to--to groom it. You got to--to chop it down.
You got to explore it. Now take that alone--you got to explore it.
JERRY [_swallowing_]. Four millions.
SNOOKS. That’s more like it. Now these Buzzard Islands don’t require no
attention. You just have to let ’em alone. But you take the up-keep on a
thing like the State of Idaho.
JERRY [_wiping his brow_]. Five millions.
SNOOKS. Sold! You get the Buzzard Islands and we get five million bucks
and the State of Idaho.
JERRY. Got that down, Jones?
SNOOKS. On second thoughts----
JERRY [_in a panic_]. No, no, you can’t get out of it. It’s all down in
black and white.
SNOOKS [_resignedly_]. Awright. I must say, Mr. President, you turned
out to be a real man. When I first met you I wouldn’t have thought it,
but I been pleasantly surprised.
_He slaps Jerry heartily on the back. Jerry is so tickled at the
solution of the Idaho problem that he feverishly seizes Snooks’s
hand._
SNOOKS. And even if Irish Poland gets stung on the deal, we’ll put it
through. Say, you and me ain’t politicians, fella, we’re statesmen, real
statesmen. You ain’t got a cigarette about you, have you?
_Jerry hands him his cigarette case. Snooks, after taking one,
returns the case to his own pocket._
JERRY [_enthusiastically_]. Send me a post-card, Ambassador Snooks. The
White House, City, will reach me.
SNOOKS. Post-card! Say, lay off. You and me are pals. I’d do anything
for a pal. Come on down to the corner and I’ll buy you a cigar.
JERRY [_to Mr. Jones_]. I guess I can go out now for a while.
JONES. Oh, yes.
JERRY. Hang on to that treaty. And, say, when the Secretary of the
Treasury wakes up tell him I’ve got to have five million dollars right
away.
JONES. If you’ll just come into the office for a moment you can put your
signatures on it right away.
_Jerry and the Honorable Snooks go into the White House arm in arm,
followed by Mr. Jones. Presently Jerry can be seen in the window of
the President’s office._
_A moment later the doors swing open again, this time for the
tottering egress of Dada._
_Dada, not without difficulty, arranges himself a place in the sun.
He is preparing for his morning siesta, and, indeed, has almost
managed to spread a handkerchief over his face when in through the
gate comes Doris. Her eye falls on him and a stern purpose is
born. Dada, seeing her approach, groans in anticipation._
DORIS. Dada, I want to speak to you.
_Dada blinks up at her, wearily._
Dada, I want to tell you something for your own good and for Jerry’s
good. You want Jerry to keep his position, don’t you?
DADA. Jerry’s a fine boy. He was born to my second wife in eighteen
hundred and----
DORIS [_interrupting impatiently_]. Yes, I know he was. But I mean now.
DADA. No, I’ll never have any more children. Children are hard to raise
properly.
_This is aimed at her._
DORIS. Look at here, Dada. What I think is the best thing to do is to
resign your position.
DADA. The----?
DORIS. You’re too old, you see, if you know what I mean. You’re sort
of--oh, not crazy, but just sort of feeble-minded.
DADA [_who has caught one word_]. Yes, I’m a little feeble. [_He dozes
off._]
DORIS [_absorbed in her thesis_]. I don’t mean you’re crazy. Don’t get
mad. I don’t mean you go around thinking you’re like Napoleon or a
poached egg or anything like that, but you’re sort of feeble-minded.
Don’t you understand, yourself? Sort of simple.
DADA [_waking up suddenly_]. How’s that?
DORIS [_infuriated_]. That’s _just_ the sort of thing I was talking
about! Going to sleep like that when a person’s trying to tell you
something for your own son’s good. That’s just _exactly_ what I mean!
DADA [_puzzled but resentful_]. I don’t like you. You’re a very forward
young girl. Your parents brought you up very unsuccessfully indeed.
DORIS [_smugly_]. All right. You’re just making me think so more than
ever. Go right ahead. Don’t mind me. Go right ahead. Then when you begin
to really _rave_ I’ll send for the lunatic-asylum wagon.
DADA [_with an air of cold formality_]. I’ll ask you to excuse me. [_He
wants to get to sleep._]
DORIS. First thing you know you’ll take all the money in the Treasury
and hide it and forget where you put it.
DADA [_succinctly_]. There isn’t any money in the Treasury.
DORIS [_after a stunned pause_]. Just what do you mean by that
statement?
DADA [_drowsily_]. There isn’t any money in the Treasury. There was
seven thousand dollars left yesterday, but I worked from morning till
night and now there isn’t one red penny in there.
DORIS. You must be crazy.
DADA. [_He can scarcely keep awake._] Hm.
DORIS. Look at here! What do you mean--have you been spending that
money--that doesn’t belong to you, you know--on some fast woman?
DADA [_as usual, he doesn’t quite hear_]. Yes, it’s all gone. I went
down yesterday morning and I said to myself: “Horatio, you got only
seven thousand dollars left, and you got to work from morning till night
and get rid of it.” And I did.
DORIS [_furious, but impressed at the magnitude of the crime_]. How much
was there altogether?
DADA. Altogether? I haven’t the figures with me.
DORIS. Why, you old dumb-bell, you. Imagine an old man your age that
hasn’t had anything to do for twenty years but just sit around and
_think_, going crazy about a woman at your age! [_With scornful pity._]
Don’t you know she just made a fool of you?
DADA [_shaking his finger at her_]. You must not talk like that. Be
courteous and----
DORIS. Yes, and pretty soon some woman comes along and you get
“courteous” with her to the extent of all the money in the Treasury.
DADA. Yes, that’s one thing that stood me in good stead. My mother used
to say to me: “Horatio----”
DORIS [_paying no attention to him_]. What was her name?
DADA. Her name was Roxanna.
DORIS. Where did she get hold of you?
DADA. My mother?
DORIS. Your paramour.
DADA. She used to say to me: “Horatio----”
DORIS. She probably used to say a lot more than that! Oh, I know how
they handle old men like you. I’ve seen a lot of that. Slush is what
appeals to old men like you.
DADA. No--I said courtesy.
DORIS. You mean slush. What did she call you?--her old toodledums? And
all that sort of thing? How perfectly disgusting!
_Out comes Jerry now, just in time to catch Dada’s next remark, and
to realize that there’s persecution in the air._
DADA [_to Doris_]. It’s been a hot day and I’ll ask you to excuse me. I
never liked you, you know.
JERRY. Say, Doris, why can’t you leave Dada alone? He’s got more
important things to think about than your new dresses and your silk
stockings.
DORIS. Got something more important than silk stockings, has he? Ask
him!
JERRY. Dada’s got a lot more to him than anybody ever gives him credit
for, haven’t you, Dada?
DORIS [_excitedly_]. Yeah, yeah. All right. Wait till you hear what he’s
done now. Wait till you hear. [_To Dada._] Tell him what you did at your
age. Some woman came up to him and said “Horatio--” [_She gives an
awe-inspiring imitation of a passionate woman._] and he said: “Here----”
JERRY [_interrupting_]. What woman did?
DORIS. Her name was Roxanna. Ask him where all the money in the Treasury
is. At his age.
JERRY [_in growing alarm_]. Look at here, Doris----
DORIS. The--old--dumb-bell! I take back what I said about your not being
really crazy. [_To Jerry._] Look out, he’ll begin to rave. [_She
pretends to be alarmed._] Yes, Dada, you’re a poached egg. It’s all
right. I’ll send for the lunatic-asylum wagon.
DADA. I’ve been working in the dark. I thought it best.
DORIS. You needn’t tell us all the disgusting details. Please respect my
engagement. You must have bought her about everything in the world. No
wonder I can’t get any good shoes in Washington. Jerry should have got
you analyzed.
_Jerry now begins to realize that something appalling has indeed
happened. He sits down weakly._
DADA. I was working in the dark.
DORIS. Well, Jerry should of had you analyzed in the dark.
JERRY [_suddenly_]. Char-lit!
CHARLOTTE [_at the upper window_]. Stop screaming at me!
JERRY. Charlit, come on out here!
DORIS. Dada’s done something awful. At his age!
JERRY. Hurry up out, Charlit!
CHARLOTTE. You wouldn’t want me to come out in my chemise, would you?
DORIS. It wouldn’t matter. We’ll be kicked out, anyways.
CHARLOTTE. Has Dada been drinking?
DORIS. Worse than that. Some woman’s got ahold of him.
CHARLOTTE. Don’t let him go till I come down. I can handle him.
_Mr. Jones comes out._
DADA [_impressively_]. I think the world is coming to an end at three
o’clock.
DORIS [_wildly_]. We’ve got a maniac here. Go get some rope.
MR. JONES [_in horror_]. Are you going to hang him?
_Out rushes Charlotte._
DADA. The United States was the wealthiest country in all the world.
It’s easier for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye than for a
wealthy man to enter heaven.
_They all listen in expectant horror._
So all the money in the Treasury I have had destroyed by fire, or dumped
into the deep sea. We are all saved.
JERRY. Do you mean to say that you haven’t even got five million
dollars?
DADA. I finished it all up yesterday. It was not easy. It took a lot of
resourcefulness, but I did it.
JERRY [_in horror_]. But I’ve got to have five million dollars this
afternoon or I can’t get rid of Idaho, and I’ll be impeached!
DADA [_complacently_]. We’re all saved.
JERRY [_wildly_]. You mean we’re all lost!
_He sinks disconsolately into a chair and buries his face in his
hands. Charlotte, who knew everything would go to pieces, stands
over him with an “I told you so” air. Doris shakes her finger at
Dada, who shakes his finger vigorously back at her. Mr. Jones,
with great presence of mind, produces the cocktail shaker and
passes around the consoling glasses to the violently agitated
household._
* * * * *
_At two-thirty the horizontal sunlight is bright upon the White
House lawn. Through the office window the President can be seen,
bent over his desk in an attitude of great dejection. And here
comes the Honorable Snooks through the gate, looking as if he’d
been sent for. Mr. Jones hurries forth from the White House to
greet him._
SNOOKS. Did you send for me, fella?
JONES [_excitedly_]. I should say we did, Honorable Snooks. Sit down and
I’ll get the President.
_As Mr. Jones goes in search of the President, Dada comes in
through the gate at a triumphant tottering strut. He includes the
Honorable Snooks in the splendor of his elation._
DADA [_jubilantly_]. Hooray! Hooray! I worked in the dark, but I won
out!
SNOOKS [_with profound disgust_]. Well, if it ain’t Sandy Claus!
DADA. This is a great day for me, Mr.-- You see the world is coming to an
end.
SNOOKS. Well, Sandy Claus, everybody’s got a right to enjoy themselves
their own way.
DADA. That’s in strict confidence, you understand.
SNOOKS. I wouldn’t spoil the surprise for nothin’.
_Out rushes Jerry._
JERRY [_in great excitement_]. Honorable Snooks--Honorable Snooks----
DADA [_suddenly_]. Hooray! In at the finish.
_He tries to slap the Honorable Snooks on the back, but the
Honorable Snooks steps out of the way, and Dada loses his balance.
Snooks and Jerry pick him up._
JERRY [_suspiciously_]. Dada, have you been drinking?
DADA. Just a little bit. Just enough to fortify me. I never touched a
drop before to-day.
SNOOKS. You’re a naughty boy.
DADA. Yes, I think I’ll go in and rest up for the big event.
_He wanders happily into the White House._
JERRY [_in a hushed voice_]. Honorable Snooks, Dada has done something
awful.
SNOOKS [_pointing after Dada_]. Him?
JERRY. He took all the money in the Treasury and destroyed it.
SNOOKS. What type of talk is that? You tryin’ to kid me?
JERRY. You see, he’s a very religious man, Honorable Snooks----
SNOOKS. You mean you ain’t got five million for me. [_Jerry shakes his
head._] Good _night_! This is a swell country. A bunch of Indian givers!
JERRY. There’s no use cursing at me, Honorable Snooks. I’m a broken man
myself.
SNOOKS. Say, can the sob stuff an’ call up the Treasury. Get ’em to
strike off a couple billion dollars more. You’re the President, ain’t
you?
_Cheering up a little, Jerry goes to the telephone._
JERRY. Give me the Treasury Department.... Say, this is President Frost
speaking. I just wanted to ask you if you couldn’t strike off a little
currency, see? About--about five million dollars, see? And if you didn’t
know whose picture to put on ’em you could put my picture on ’em, see? I
got a good picture I just had taken.... You can’t strike any off?...
Well, I just asked you.... Well, I just thought I’d ask you.... Well, no
harm done--I just _asked_ you--it didn’t hurt to _ask_, did it? [_He
rings off despondently._] It didn’t hurt ’em to _ask_.
SNOOKS. Nothin’ doin’, eh?
_In comes Mr. Jones._
JONES. It’s all over, Mr. President. I’ve just received word that Chief
Justice Fossile of the Supreme Court, accompanied by the Senate
Committee on Inefficiency, is on his way to the White House.
_Jerry sits down, completely overcome. Jones retires._
SNOOKS. They goin’ to throw you out on your ear, eh?
JERRY [_brooding_]. It’s that low, mean bunch of people out in Idaho.
_Snooks, who has been ruminating on the situation, comes to a
decision._
SNOOKS. Look at here, Mr. President, I’m goin’ to help you out. I’ll
pass up that five million bucks and we’ll make a straight swap of the
Buzzard Islands for the State of Idaho.
JERRY [_in amazement_]. You’ll give me the Buzzard Islands for the State
of Idaho?
_Snooks nods. Jerry wrings his hand in great emotion._
_At this point Charlotte comes out of the White House. At the sight
of the Honorable Snooks a somewhat disapproving expression passes
over her face._
JERRY [_excitedly_]. Charlit--Charlit. This gentleman has saved me.
CHARLOTTE [_suspiciously_]. Who is he?
JERRY. His name is The Honorable Snooks, Charlit.
SNOOKS [_under Charlotte’s stern eye_]. Well, I guess I got to be goin’.
CHARLOTTE. Won’t you stay for my husband’s impeachment? We’re having a
few people in.
_Out comes Doris, accompanied by Dada. Dada is in such a state of
exultation that much to Doris’s annoyance he is attempting a
gavotte with her._
DORIS [_repulsing him_]. Say, haven’t I got enough troubles having to
throw over my fiancé, without having you try to do your indecent old
dances with me?
_Dada sits down and regards the heavens with a long telescope._
_Jerry has now recovered his confidence and is marching up and down
waving his arms and rehearsing speeches under his breath. Snooks
taps Dada’s head and winks lewdly at Charlotte and Doris._
DORIS. Honestly, everybody seems to be going a little crazy around here.
Is Jerry going to be fired or isn’t he?
CHARLOTTE. He says he isn’t, but I don’t believe him for a minute.
_Jones comes out, followed by an excitable Italian gentleman with
long, musical hair._
JONES. This gentleman said he had an appointment with Miss Doris.
JERRY. Who are you?
THE GENTLEMAN. I am Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band. I am ordered to
come here with my band at three o’clock to play high-class jazz at young
lady’s wedding reception.
DORIS. I remember now. I _did_ order him. It’s supposed to be the best
jazz band in the country.
JERRY [_to Stutz-Mozart_]. Don’t you know there’s going to be a big
political crisis here at three o’clock?
DORIS. We can’t use you now, Mr. Stutz-Mozart. Anyways, I had to throw
over my fiancé on account of political reasons.
STUTZ-MOZART [_indignantly_]. But I have my orang-outang band outside.
CHARLOTTE [_her eyes staring_]. Real orang-outangs?
DORIS. Of course not. They just call it that because they look kind of
like orang-outangs. And they play kind of like orang-outangs, sort of. I
mean the way orang-outangs would play if they knew how to play at all.
JERRY [_to Stutz-Mozart_]. Well, you’ll have to get them away from here.
I can’t have a lot of senators and judges coming in and finding me with
a bunch of men that look like orang-outangs.
STUTZ-MOZART. But I have been hired to play.
JERRY. Yes, but what do you think people would say? They’d say: Yes,
here’s a fine sort of President we’ve got. All his friends look sort of
like orang-outangs.
STUTZ-MOZART. You waste my time. You pay me or else we play.
JERRY. Look at here. If you’re one of these radical agitators my advice
to you is to go right back where you came from.
STUTZ-MOZART. I came from Hoboken.
_He goes threateningly out the gate._
JONES [_announcing from the steps_]. Chief Justice Fossile of the
Supreme Court, accompanied by a committee from the Senate!
CHARLOTTE [_to Jerry_]. Speak right up to them. Show them you’re not
just a vegetable.
_Here they come! Chief Justice Fossile, in a portentous white wig,
is walking ponderously at the head of the procession. Five of the
six Senators who follow him are large, grave gentlemen whose
cutaway coats press in their swollen stomachs. Beside them Senator
Fish seems frail and ineffectual._
_The delegation comes to a halt before Jerry, who regards it
defiantly, but with some uneasiness._
JUDGE FOSSILE. To the President of the United States--greetings.
JERRY [_nervously_]. Greetings yourself.
_Mr. Jones has provided chairs, and the Senators seat themselves in
a row, with Judge Fossile in front. Fish looks miserably at Doris.
The Honorable Snooks lurks in the shadow of the Special Tree._
JUDGE FOSSILE. Mr. President, on the motion of the gentleman from
Idaho-- [_He points to Fish, who tries unsuccessfully to shrink out of
sight._] we have come to analyze you, with a view to impeachment.
JERRY [_sarcastically_]. Oh, is that so? [_He looks for encouragement at
Charlotte. Charlotte grunts._]
JUDGE FOSSILE. I believe that is the case, Senator Fish?
FISH [_nervously_]. Yes, but personally I like him.
CHARLOTTE. Oh, you do, do you? [_She nudges Jerry._] Speak right up to
them like that.
JERRY. Oh, you do, do you?
JUDGE FOSSILE. Remove that woman!
_No one pays any attention to his request._
JUDGE FOSSILE. Now, Mr. President, do you absolutely refuse to resign on
the request of the Senator from Idaho?
JERRY. You’re darn right I refuse!
JUDGE FOSSILE. Well, then, I----
_At this point Mr. Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band outside of the
wall launches into a jovial jazz rendition of “Way Down upon the
Suwanee River.” Suspecting it to be the national anthem, the
Senators glance at each other uneasily, and then, removing their
silk hats, get to their feet, one by one. Even Judge Fossile stands
at respectful attention until the number dies away._
JERRY. Ha-ha! That wasn’t “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
_The Senators look confused._
DORIS [_tragically_]. This was to have been my wedding reception day.
_Senator Fish begins to weep softly to himself._
JUDGE FOSSILE [_angrily to Jerry_]. This is preposterous, sir! You’re a
dangerous man! You’re a menace to the nation! We will proceed no
further. Have you anything to say before we vote on the motion made by
the State of Idaho?
CHARLOTTE. Yes, he has. He’s got a whole mouthful!
DORIS. This is the feature moment of my life. Cecil B. Demille would
shoot it with ten cameras.
JUDGE FOSSILE. Remove these women.
_The women are not removed._
JERRY [_nervously_]. Gentlemen, before you take this step into your
hands I want to put my best foot forward. Let us consider a few aspects.
For instance, for the first aspect let us take, for example, the War of
the Revolution. There was ancient Rome, for example. Let us not only
live so that our children who live after us, but also that our ancestors
who preceded us and fought to make this country what it is!
_General applause._
And now, gentlemen, a boy to-day is a man to-morrow--or, rather, in a
few years. Consider the winning of the West--Daniel Boone and Kit
Carson, and in our own time Buffalo Bill and--and Jesse James!
_Prolonged applause._
Finally, in closing, I want to tell you about a vision of mine
that I seem to see. I seem to see Columbia--Columbia--ah--blindfolded--ah--covered
with scales--driving the ship of state over the battle-fields
of the republic into the heart of the golden West and the cotton-fields
of the sunny South.
_Great applause. Mr. Jones, with his customary thoughtfulness,
serves a round of cocktails._
JUDGE FOSSILE [_sternly_]. Gentlemen, you must not let yourselves be
moved by this man’s impassioned rhetoric. The State of Idaho has moved
his impeachment. We shall put it to a vote----
JERRY [_interrupting_]. Listen here, Judge Fossile, a state has got to
be part of a country in order to impeach anybody, don’t they?
JUDGE FOSSILE. Yes.
JERRY. Well, the State of Idaho doesn’t belong to the United States any
more.
_A general sensation. Senator Fish stands up and sits down._
JUDGE FOSSILE. Then who does it belong to?
SNOOKS [_pushing his way to the front_]. It belongs to the nation of
Irish Poland.
_An even greater sensation._
JERRY. The State of Idaho is nothing but a bunch of mountains. I’ve
traded it to the nation of Irish Poland for the Buzzard Islands.
_Mr. Jones hands the treaty to Judge Fossile._
FISH [_on his feet_]. Judge Fossile, the people of Idaho----
SNOOKS. Treason! Treason! Set down, fella! You’re a subject of the
nation of Irish Poland.
JERRY [_pointing to Fish_]. Those foreigners think they can run this
country.
_The other Senators shrink away from Fish._
JUDGE FOSSILE [_to Fish_]. If you want to speak as a citizen of the
United States, you’ll have to take out naturalization papers.
SNOOKS. I won’t let him. I’m goin’ to take him with me. He’s part of our
property.
_He seizes the indignant Fish firmly by the arm and pins a large
“Sold” badge to the lapel of his coat._
DORIS [_heartily_]. Well, I’m certainly glad I didn’t marry a foreigner.
_Just at this point, when Jerry seems to have triumphed all around,
there is the noise of a fife and drum outside, and General Pushing
marches in, followed by his musical escort. The General is in a
state of great excitement._
GENERAL PUSHING. Mr. President, I am here on the nation’s business!
THE SENATORS. Hurrah!
GENERAL PUSHING. War must be declared!
THE SENATORS. Hurrah!
JERRY. Who is the enemy?
GENERAL PUSHING. The enemy is the nation of Irish Poland!
_All eyes are now turned upon Snooks, who looks considerably
alarmed._
GENERAL PUSHING [_raising his voice_]. On to the Buzzard Islands!
THE SENATORS. Hurrah! Hurrah! Down with Irish Poland!
JUDGE FOSSILE. Now, Mr. President, all treaties are off!
GENERAL PUSHING [_looking scornfully at Jerry_]. He tried to trade the
State of Idaho for some islands full of Buzzards. Bah!
THE SENATORS. Bah!
SNOOKS [_indignantly_]. What’s ee idea? Is this a frame-up to beat the
nation of Irish Poland outa their rights? We want the State of Idaho.
You want the Buzzard Islands, don’t you?
GENERAL PUSHING. We can take them by force. We’re at war. [_To the
Senators._] We’ve ordered all stuffed Buzzards to be removed from the
natural history museums. [_Cheers._] And domestic Buzzards are now fair
game, both in and out of season. [_More cheers._] Buzzard domination
would be unthinkable.
JUDGE FOSSILE [_pointing to Jerry_]. And now, Senators. How many of you
vote for the impeachment of this enemy of the commonwealth?
_The five Senators stand up._
JUDGE FOSSILE [_to Jerry_]. The verdict of a just nation. Is there any
one here to say why this verdict should not stand?
_Dada, who all this time has been absorbed in the contemplation of
the heavens, suddenly throws down his telescope with a crash._
DADA [_in a tragic voice_]. It’s too late!
ALL. Too late?
DADA. Too late for the world to end this afternoon. I must have missed
the date by two thousand years. [_Wringing his hands._] I shall destroy
myself!
_Dada tries to destroy himself. He produces a pistol, aims at
himself, and fires. He flounders down--but he has missed._
DORIS [_standing over him and shaking her finger_]. You miss
_ev_erything! I’m going to send for the lunatic-asylum wagon--if it’ll
_come_!
DADA [_shaking his finger back at her_]. Your parents brought you up
very unsuccessfully----
JUDGE FOSSILE. Silence! I will pronounce sentence of impeachment on this
enemy of mankind. Look upon him!
_They all look dourly at Jerry._
Now, gentlemen, the astronomers tell us that in the far heavens, near
the southern cross, there is a vast space called the hole in the sky,
where the most powerful telescope can discover no comet nor planet nor
star nor sun.
_They all look very cold and depressed. Jerry shivers. Fish picks
up Dada’s abandoned telescope and begins an eager examination of
the firmament._
In that dreary, cold, dark region of space the Great Author of Celestial
Mechanism has left the chaos which was in the beginning. If the earth
beneath my feet were capable of expressing its emotions it would, with
the energy of nature’s elemental forces, heave, throw, and project this
enemy of mankind into that vast region, there forever to exist in a
solitude as eternal as--as eternity.
_When he finishes a funereal silence falls._
JERRY [_his voice shaken with grief_]. Well, Judge, all I’ve got to say
is that no matter what you’d done I wouldn’t want to do all those things
to you.
JUDGE FOSSILE [_thunderously_]. Have you anything more to say?
JERRY [_rising through his defeat to a sort of eloquent defiance_]. Yes.
I want to tell you all something. I don’t want to be President. [_A
murmur of surprise._] I never asked to be President. Why--why, I don’t
even know how in hell I ever _got_ to be President!
GENERAL PUSHING [_in horror_]. Do you mean to say that there’s one
American citizen who does not desire the sacred duty of being President?
Sir, may I ask, then, just what you do want?
JERRY [_wildly_]. Yes! I want to be left alone.
_Outside the wall Mr. Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band strikes up
“The Bee’s Knees.” The Senators arise respectfully and remove their
hats, and General Pushing, drawing his sword, stands at the
salute._
_Four husky baggage smashers stagger out of the White House with
the trunks of the Frost family, and hurry with them through the
gate. Half a dozen assorted suitcases are flung after the trunks._
_The music continues to play, the Senators continue to stand. The
Frost family gaze at their departing luggage, each under the spell
of a different emotion._
_Charlotte is the first to pick up her grip. As she turns to the
Senators, the music sinks to pianissimo, so her words are
distinctly audible._
CHARLOTTE. If it’s any satisfaction to you, I’m going to be a different
wife to him from now on. From now on I’m going to make his life
perfectly miserable.
_Charlotte goes out to a great burst of jazz. Dada, with some
difficulty, locates his battered carpet-bag._
DADA. I find I missed the date by two thousand years. Eventually I will
destroy myself.
_Dada is gone now, hurried out between two porters, and Doris is
next. With dignity she selects her small but arrogant hand-bag._
DORIS. All I want to say is if Cecil B. Demille ever saw the White House
he’d say: “All right, that may do for the gardener’s cottage. Now I’ll
start building a _real_ house.”
_As she leaves she tries desperately to walk out of step with the
music and avoid the suggestion of marching. The attempt is not
altogether successful._
_President Jerry Frost now picks up his bag._
JERRY [_defiantly_]. Well, anyways I showed you you couldn’t put
anything over on me. [_Glancing around, his eye falls on the “Special
Tree.” He goes over and pulls it up by the roots._] This was given to me
by some natives. That sign’s mine, too. I had it invented. [_He
pauses._] I guess you think I wasn’t much good as a President, don’t
you? Well, just try electing me again.
GENERAL PUSHING [_sternly_]. We won’t! As a President you’d make a good
postman.
_At this sally there is a chorus of laughter._
_Then Charlotte’s voice again. Does it come from outside the gate,
or, mysteriously enough, from somewhere above?_
CHARLOTTE [_very distinctly_]. Shut the door! I can smell that stuff up
here!
_A bewildered look comes into Jerry’s eyes. He says “What?” in a
loud voice._
_Then with the tree in one hand and his grip in the other, he is
hurried, between two porters, briskly toward the gate, while the
Orang-Outang Band crashes into louder and louder jazz and_
THE CURTAIN FALLS