LESSONS IN ETIQUETTE
Connie was lying flat on her back near the register. The twins were
sitting on the floor near her, hearing each other conjugate Latin
verbs. And Prudence, with her darning basket, was earnestly trying to
solve a domestic problem,--how to get three pairs of wearable stockings
out of eleven hosiery remnants. So Fairy found them as she came in,
radiant and glowing.
"Glorious day," she said, glancing impartially at her sisters. "Just
glorious! Why are you all hugging the register, may I ask? It is
perfect weather. Connie, you should be out-of-doors this minute, by
all means. Twins, aren't you grown-up enough to sit on chairs, or
won't your footies reach the floor?--Babbie, Eugene Babler, you know,
is coming to spend the evening, Prudence."
"What is going on to-night?" queried Prudence.
"Nothing is going on. That's why he is coming. It's too cold to
meander around outdoors these nights, and so we shall have to amuse
ourselves inside as best we can."
The whole family came to attention at this.
"Oh, goody!" cried Connie. "Let's make taffy, shall we, Fairy?"
"Certainly not. This isn't a children's party. You'll go to bed at
eight o'clock as usual, Connie mine.--Now, we must have something to
eat. The question is, What shall it be?"
"Yes," agreed Carol with enthusiasm,--Carol was always enthusiastic on
the subject of something to eat. "Yes, indeed, that is the question.
What shall we have?"
"You will likely have pleasant dreams, Carol," was the cool retort.
"Babbie did not invite himself to spend the evening with you, I
believe."
"Do you mean to suggest," demanded Lark with withering scorn, "that it
is your intention to shut yourself up alone with this--this creature,
excluding the rest of us?"
"Yes, and have refreshments for just you two?" cried Carol.
[Illustration: "Yes, and have refreshments for just you two?"]
"That is my intention most certainly. The twins and Connie will not
put in appearance at all. Prue will serve the refreshments, and will
eat with us. Babbie and I shall spend the evening in the front room."
"The front room?" echoed Prudence. "This room is much cheerier, and
more homelike."
"Well, Babbie isn't a member of the family, you know," said Fairy.
"You are doing your best," sniffed Carol.
"Now, you girls must understand right off, that things are different
here from what they were at Exminster. When boys came to the house
there they came to have a good time with the whole family. But here it
is very different. I've been looking around, and I've got on to the
system. The proper thing is to receive callers privately, without the
family en masse sitting by and superintending. That's etiquette, you
know. And one must always serve refreshments. More etiquette. Men
are such greedy animals, they do not care to go places where the eats
aren't forthcoming."
"Men! Are you referring to this Babbling creature now?" interposed
Carol.
"Ouch!" said Lark.
"But won't it be rather--poky--just sitting in the front room by
yourselves all evening?" asked Prudence doubtfully, ignoring the
offended twins.
"Oh, I dare say it will. But it's the proper thing to do," said Fairy
complacently.
"What are you going to do all evening?" Connie wanted to know. "Just
sit and look at each other and admire yourselves?"
The twins thought this very clever of Connie, so they both said "Ouch!"
approvingly.
"Why, no, baby dear," said Fairy good-naturedly. "We shall talk.
Feast our souls with a flow of reason, you know. We shall converse.
We shall hold pleasant intercourse."
"Wouldn't it be more fun to have the girls in for a little while?"
This from Prudence.
"Oh, it might,--but it wouldn't be the proper thing at all. College
men do not care to be entertained by babies."
"No," snapped Lark, "the wisdom of babies is too deep for
these--these--these men in embryo."
This was so exquisitely said that Lark was quite restored to amiability
by it. "In embryo," had been added to her vocabulary that very day in
the biology class. It was only the sheerest good fortune which gave
her the opportunity of utilizing it so soon. And Carol said "Ouch!"
with such whole-souled admiration that Lark's spirit soared among the
clouds. She had scored!
"And what shall we serve them?" urged Prudence. "I suppose it would
hardly do to--pop corn, would it?"
"No, indeed. Popping corn is very nice for the twins and the little
boys in the neighborhood." Fairy smiled with relish as she saw the
twins wince at this thrust. "But Babbie and I-- Oh, never! It
wouldn't do at all. Now, oyster stew and crackers,--I mean wafers,----"
"Oysters are fearfully expensive, Fairy," objected the frugal Prudence.
"Oh, we can stand it for once," said Fairy easily. "This is the first
time, and we must do something extra. Babbie is all the rage at
school, and the girls are frantic with jealousy because I have cut
everybody else out. To be honest about it, I can't understand it
myself. Babbie's such a giddy scatter-brained youngster, you'd think
he'd prefer----"
"Do you like him, Fairy? Don't you think he's tiresome? He talks so
much, it seems to me."
"To be sure I like him. He's great fun. He's always joking and never
has a sensible thought, and hates study. He's an amusing soul, I must
say. He's going to attend here a couple of years, and then study
pharmacy. His father is a druggist in Ottumwa, and quite well off.
The only reason Babbie came here instead of going to a big college in
the East is because his father is a trustee. Trustees are in honor
bound to send their offspring to the college they trustee,--just as
ministers are obliged to trade with the members when possible."
"Even if they short-weight and long-charge you," put in Carol.
"Carol!" exclaimed Prudence reprovingly. "Well, we'll serve oyster
stew then. Will you eat in the dining-room?"
"No, we'll eat on the little table in the front room,--informally, you
know. You must get it ready, and arrange it nicely on the big tray.
Then you must come to the door and say, 'Wouldn't you like a little
oyster stew?' Say it carelessly, as if we always have something to eat
before going to bed. And I'll say, 'Oh, yes, Prudence, bring it right
in.' Then you bring it in, and we'll all eat together.--That's the way
to do it! Babbie's had dates with the very swellest girls in school,
and he knows about such things. We must do it up brown!"
"Swell!" mocked Lark. "Do it up brown! Oh, you'll be a record-breaker
of a college professor all right. I'm sure this young Babler is just
the type of man to interest the modern college professor! Swell! Do
it up brown!"
"Ouch!" grinned Carol.
"Now, will you twins run down-town for the oysters?" asked Prudence
briskly.
"Who? Us?" demanded Lark, indignantly and ungrammatically. "Do you
think we can carry home oysters for the--the--personal consumption of
this Babbling young prince? Not so! Let Fairy go after the oysters!
She can carry them home tenderly and appreciatively. Carol and I
can't! We don't grasp the beauty of that man's nature."
"Oh, yes, twinnies, I think you'll go, all right. Hurry now, for you
must be back in time to help me get supper. Fairy'll have to
straighten the front room, and we won't have time. Run along, and be
quick."
For a few seconds the twins gazed at each other studiously. Neither
spoke. Without a word, they went up-stairs to prepare for their errand.
They whispered softly going through the upper hall.
"We'd better make a list," said Carol softly.
So with heads close together they wrote out several items on a piece of
paper.
"It'll cost quite a lot," objected Carol. "Thirty cents, anyhow. And
Prudence'll make us pay for the oysters, sure. Remember that."
"We'd better let Connie in, too," suggested Lark.
Connie was hastily summoned, and the twins whispered explanations in
her willing ears. "Good!" she said approvingly. "It'll serve 'em
right."
"But it'll cost money," said Carol. "How much have you got?"
Then Connie understood why she had been consulted. The twins always
invited her to join their enterprises when money was required.
"A quarter," she faltered.
"Well, we'll go shares," said Lark generously. "We'll pay a dime
apiece. It may not take that much. But if Prudence makes us pay for
the oysters, you'll have to pay a third. Will you do that?"
"Yes, indeed." Connie was relieved. She did not always get off so
easily!
"Twins! You must hurry!" This was Prudence at the bottom of the
stairs. And the twins set off quite hurriedly. Their first tall was
at the meat market.
"A pint of oysters," said Lark briefly.
When he brought them to her, she smelled them suspiciously. Then Carol
smelled.
"Are these rotten oysters?" she demanded hopefully.
"No," he answered, laughing. "Certainly not."
"Have you got any rotten ones?"
"No, we don't keep that kind." He was still laughing.
The twins sighed and hurried next door to the grocer's.
"A nickel's worth of pepper--the strongest you have."
This was quickly settled--and the grave-faced twins betook themselves
to the corner drug store.
"We--we want something with a perfectly awful smell," Lark explained
soberly.
"What kind of a smell?"
"We don't care what kind, but it must be perfectly sickening. Like
something rotten, or dead, if you have it. Something that will stay
smelly for several hours,--but it mustn't be dangerous, of course."
"What do you want it for?"
"We want it to put in a room to give it a horrible smell for an hour or
so." Lark winked at him solemnly. "It's a joke," she further
elucidated.
"I see." His eyes twinkled. "I think I can fix you up." A moment
later he handed her a small bottle. "Just sprinkle this over the
carpet. It won't do any harm, and it smells like thunder. It costs a
quarter."
Carol frowned. "I suppose we'll have to take it," she said, "but it's
pretty expensive. I hate to have druggists get such a lot of money."
He laughed aloud. "I hate to have you get a good licking to-morrow,
too,--but you'll get it just the same, or I miss my guess."
When the twins arrived home, Fairy was just cutting the candy she had
made. "It's delicious," she said to Prudence. "Here's a nice dishful
for you and the girls.--Pitch in, twins, and help yourselves. It's
very nice."
The twins waved her haughtily away. "No, thank you," they said. "We
couldn't eat that candy with relish. We are unworthy."
"All right," Prudence put in quickly, as Fairy only laughed. "I'll put
it in the cupboard, and Fairy and I will eat it to-morrow. It's
perfectly fine,--simply delicious."
But the twins were not to be tempted. Before they went up-stairs, Lark
inquired sarcastically:
"I suppose, Fairy, you'll don your best blue silk in honor of this
event?"
"Oh, no," was the ready answer, "I'll just wear my little green muslin.
It's old, but very nice and comfortable--just right for an evening at
home."
"Yes," scoffed Carol, "and of course you are remembering that every one
says it is the most becoming dress you have."
"Oh, yes," laughed Fairy, "I'm remembering that, all right."
Then the twins went up-stairs, but not to their own room at once.
Instead they slipped noiselessly into the front bedroom, and a little
later Carol came out into the hall and stood listening at the head of
the stairs, as though on guard.
"Be sure and leave quite a few stitches in, Lark," she whispered once.
"We want it to hang together until Babbie gets here."
That was all. Presently Lark emerged, and their own door closed behind
them.
"It's a good thing father has to go to the trustees' meeting to-night,
isn't it?" asked Carol. And Lark agreed, absently. She was thinking
of the oysters.
As soon as they finished supper, Lark said, "Don't you think we'd
better go right to bed, Prue? We don't want to taint the atmosphere of
the parsonage. Of course, Fairy will want to wash the dishes herself
to make sure they are clean and shining."
"Oh, no," disclaimed Fairy, still good-naturedly. "I can give an extra
rub to the ones we want to use,--that is enough. I do appreciate the
thought, though, thanks very much."
So the twins plunged in, carefully keeping Connie beside them. "She
has such a full-to-overflowing look," said Carol. "If we don't keep
hold of her, she'll let something bubble over." Connie had a dismal
propensity for giving things away,--the twins had often suffered from
it. To-night, they were determined to forestall such a calamity.
Then they all three went to bed. To be sure it was ridiculously early,
but they were all determined.
"We feel weak under this unusual strain. Our nerves can't stand the
tension. We really must retire to rest. Maybe a good night's sleep
will restore us to normal," Lark explained gravely.
Fairy only laughed. "Good!" she cried. "Do go to bed. The only time
I am sure of you is when you are in your beds. Do you mind if I tie
you in, to make assurance doubly sure?"
But the twins and Connie had disappeared.
"You keep your eyes open, Fairy," Prudence whispered melodramatically.
"Those girls do not look right. Something is hanging over our heads."
And she added anxiously, "Oh, I'll be so disappointed if things go
badly. This is the first time we've ever lived up to etiquette, and I
feel it is really a crisis."
Fairy was a little late getting up-stairs to dress, but she took time
to drop into her sisters' room. They were all in bed, breathing
heavily. She walked from one to another, and stood above them
majestically.
"Asleep!" she cried. "Ah, Fortune is kind. They are asleep. How I
love these darling little twinnies,--in their sleep!"
An audible sniff from beneath the covers, and Fairy, smiling
mischievously, went into the front room to prepare for her caller.
The bell rang as she was dressing. Prudence went to the door,
preternaturally ceremonious, and ushered Mr. Babler into the front
room. She turned on the electric switch as she opened the door. She
was too much impressed with the solemnity of the occasion to take much
note of her surroundings, and she did not observe that the young man
sniffed in a peculiar manner as he entered the room.
"I'll call Fairy," she said demurely.
"Tell her she needn't primp for me," he answered, laughing. "I know
just how she looks already."
But Prudence was too heavily burdened to laugh. She smiled hospitably,
and closed the door upon him. Fairy was tripping down the stairs, very
tall, very handsome, very gay. She pinched her sister's arm as she
passed, and the front room door swung behind. But she did not greet
her friend. She stood erect by the door, her head tilted on one side,
sniffing, sniffing.
"What in the world?" she wondered. Then she blushed. Perhaps it was
something he had used on his hair! Or perhaps he had been having his
suit cleaned! "Oh, I guess it's nothing, after all," she stammered.
But Eugene Babler was strangely quiet. He looked about the room in a
peculiar questioning way.
"Shall I raise a window?" he suggested finally. "It's rather--er--hot
in here."
"Yes, do," she urged. "Raise all of them. It's--do you--do you notice
a--a funny smell in here? Or am I imagining it? It--it almost makes
me sick!"
"Yes, there is a smell," he said, in evident relief. "I thought maybe
you'd been cleaning the carpet with something. It's ghastly. Can't we
go somewhere else?"
"Come on." She opened the door into the sitting-room. "We're coming
out here if you do not mind, Prue." And Fairy explained the difficulty.
"Why, that's very strange," said Prudence, knitting her brows. "I was
in there right after supper, and I didn't notice anything. What does
it smell like?"
"It's a new smell to me," laughed Fairy, "but something about it is
strangely suggestive of our angel-twins."
Prudence went to investigate, and Fairy shoved a big chair near the
table, waving her hand toward it lightly with a smile at Babbie. Then
she sank into a low rocker, and leaned one arm on the table. She
wrinkled her forehead thoughtfully.
"That smell," she began. "I am very suspicious about it. It was not
at all natural----"
"Excuse me, Fairy," he said, ill at ease for the first time in her
knowledge of him. "Did you know your sleeve was coming out?"
Fairy gasped, and raised her arm.
"Both arms, apparently," he continued, smiling, but his face was
flushed.
"Excuse me just a minute, will you?" Fairy was unruffled. She sought
her sister. "Look here, Prue,--what do you make of this? I'm coming
to pieces! I'm hanging by a single thread, as it were."
Her sleeves were undoubtedly ready to drop off at a second's notice!
Prudence was shocked. She grew positively white in the face.
"Oh, Fairy," she wailed. "We are disgraced."
"Not a bit of it," said Fairy coolly. "I remember now that Lark was
looking for the scissors before supper. Aren't those twins unique?
This is almost bordering on talent, isn't it? Don't look so
distressed, Prue. Etiquette itself must be subservient to twins, it
seems. Don't forget to bring in the stew at a quarter past nine, and
have it as good as possible,--please, dear."
"I will," vowed Prudence, "I'll--I'll use cream. Oh, those horrible
twins!"
"Go in and entertain Babbie till I come down, won't you?" And Fairy
ran lightly up the stairs, humming a snatch of song.
But Prudence did a poor job of entertaining Babbie during her sister's
absence. She felt really dizzy! Such a way to introduce Etiquette
into the parsonage life. She was glad to make her escape from the room
when Fairy returned, a graceful figure in the fine blue silk! She went
back to the dining-room, and painstakingly arranged the big tray for
the designated moment of its entrance,--according to etiquette. Fairy
and Babbie in the next room talked incessantly, laughing often and
long, and Prudence, hearing, smiled in sympathy. She herself thought
it would be altogether stupid to be shut up in a room alone with "just
a man" for a whole evening,--but etiquette required it. Fairy knew
about such things, of course.
A little after nine, she called out dismally, "Fairy!" And Fairy,
fearing fresh disaster, came running out.
"What now? What----"
"I forget what you told me to say," whispered Prudence wretchedly,
"what was it? The soup is ready, and piping hot,--but what is it you
want me to say?"
Fairy screamed with laughter. "You goose!" she cried. "Say anything
you like. I was just giving you a tip, that was all. It doesn't make
any difference what you say."
"Oh, I am determined to do my part just right," vowed Prudence
fervently, "according to etiquette and all. What was it you said?"
Fairy stifled her laughter with difficulty, and said in a low voice,
"Wouldn't you like a little nice, hot, oyster stew?" Prudence repeated
it after her breathlessly.
So Fairy returned once more, and soon after Prudence tapped on the
door. Then she opened it, and thrust her curly head inside. "Wouldn't
you like a little nice, hot, oyster stew?" she chirped methodically.
And Fairy said, "Oh, yes indeed, Prudence,--this is so nice of you."
The stew was steaming hot, and the three gathered sociably
about the table. Prudence was talking. Fairy was passing the
"crackers,"--Prudence kicked her foot gently beneath the table, to
remind her that etiquette calls them "wafers." So it happened that
Babbie was first to taste the steaming stew. He gasped, and gulped,
and swallowed some water with more haste than grace. Then he toyed
idly with spoon and wafer until Prudence tasted also. Prudence did not
gasp. She did not cry out. She looked up at her sister with wide hurt
eyes,--a world of pathos in the glance. But Fairy did not notice.
"Now, please do not ask me to talk until I have finished my soup," she
was saying brightly, "I simply can not think and appreciate oyster stew
at the same time."
Then she appreciated it! She dropped her spoon with a great clatter,
and jumped up from the table. "Mercy!" she shrieked. "It is poisoned!"
Babbie leaned back in his chair and laughed until his eyes were wet.
Prudence's eyes were wet, too, but not from laughter! What would
etiquette think of her, after this?
"What did you do to this soup, Prudence?" demanded Fairy.
"I made it,--nothing else," faltered poor Prudence, quite crushed by
this blow. And oysters forty cents a pint!
"It's pepper, I think," gasped Babbie. "My insides bear startling
testimony to the presence of pepper."
And he roared again, while Prudence began a critical examination of the
oysters. She found them literally stuffed with pepper, there was no
doubt of it. The twins had done deadly work! Their patience, at
least, was commendable,--it seemed that not one oyster had escaped
their attention. The entire pint had been ruined by the pepper.
"Revenge, ye gods, how sweet," chanted Fairy. "The twins are getting
even with a vengeance,--the same twins you said were adorable, Babbie."
It must be said for Fairy that her good nature could stand almost
anything. Even this did not seriously disturb her. "Do you suppose
you can find us some milk, Prue? And crackers! I'm so fond of
crackers and milk, aren't you, Babbie?"
"Oh, I adore it. But serve a microscope with it, please. I want to
examine it for microbes before I taste."
But Prudence did better than that. She made some delicious cocoa, and
opened a can of pear preserves, donated to the parsonage by the amiable
Mrs. Adams. The twins were very fond of pear preserves, and had been
looking forward to eating these on their approaching birthday. They
were doomed to disappointment! The three had a merry little feast,
after all, and their laughter rang out so often and so unrestrainedly
that the twins shook in their beds with rage and disappointment.
Mr. Starr came in while they were eating, and joined them genially.
But afterward, when Prudence realized that etiquette called for their
retirement, her father still sat complacently by the register, talking
and laughing. Prudence fastened her eyes upon him.
"Well, I must honestly go to bed," she said, gazing hypnotically at her
father. "I know you will excuse me. I must store up my strength to
deal with the twins in the morning."
She got up from her chair, and moved restlessly about the room, still
boring her father with her eyes. He did not move. She paused beside
him, and slipped her hand under his elbow.
"Now, father," she said gaily, "we must put our heads together, and
think out a proper punishment for the awful creatures."
Her hand was uplifting, and Mr. Starr rose with it. Together they left
the room with cordial good nights, and inviting Mr. Babler to "try the
parsonage again." Prudence listened outside the twins' door, and heard
them breathing loudly. Then she went to her own room, and snuggling
down beneath the covers, laughed softly to herself.
"Etiquette!" she gurgled. "Etiquette! There's no room for such a
thing in a parsonage,--I see that!"
It speaks well for the courage of Babbie, and the attractions of Fairy,
that he came to the parsonage again and again. In time he became the
best of friends with the twins themselves, but he always called them
"the adorables," and they never asked him why. The punishment
inflicted upon them by Prudence rankled in their memories for many
months. Indeed, upon that occasion, Prudence fairly surpassed herself
in the ingenuity she displayed. The twins considered themselves very
nearly as grown-up as Fairy, and the fact that she was a young lady,
and they were children, filled their hearts with bitterness. They
never lost an opportunity of showing their independence where she was
concerned. And with marvelous insight, Prudence used Fairy as her
weapon of punishment,--in fact, the twins called Fairy the
"ducking-stool" for many days.
"The offense was against Fairy," said Prudence, with a solemnity she
did not feel, "and the reparation must be done to her. For three
weeks, you must do all of her bedroom work, and run every errand she
requires. Moreover, you must keep her shoes well cleaned and nicely
polished, and must do every bit of her darning!"
The twins would have preferred whipping a thousand times. They felt
they had got a whipping's worth of pleasure out of their mischief! But
a punishment like this sat heavily upon their proud young shoulders,
and from that time on they held Fairy practically immune from their
pranks.
But Prudence did not bother her head about etiquette after that
experience. "I'm strong for comfort," she declared, "and since the two
can not live together in our family, I say we do without etiquette."
And Fairy nodded in agreement, smiling good-naturedly.