"She was a slip of a thing, with the sort of eyes that go well
with curly long lashes--if they are blue, as hers were."--_Weekly
Paper._
Our local _coiffeur_ only stocks the old-fashioned peroxide.
* * * * *
[Illustration: OVERWEIGHTED.
PRESIDENT WILSON. "HERE'S YOUR OLIVE BRANCH. NOW GET BUSY." DOVE OF
PEACE. "OF COURSE I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYBODY; BUT ISN'T THIS A BIT
THICK?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE STRENUOUS LIFE.
BEFORE TAKING OFFICE ALL MEMBERS IN FUTURE WILL HAVE TO PASS A TEST OF
THEIR ABILITY TO SUSTAIN A PROLONGED FLIGHT, FIVE THOUSAND FEET UP, AT
A HUNDRED-AND-SEVENTY MILES AN HOUR.]
_Monday, March 17th_.--Mr. GEORGE TERRELL, always a little inclined to
look upon the black side of things, was apprehensive about the spread
of Bolshevism in this country. Not so Lord HENRY BENTINCK, who
genially exploded with "Is not Bolshevism in this country a pure
bogey?" Not quite that, perhaps; but I gathered that in Mr. BONAR
LAW'S opinion it hasn't a ghost of a chance.
Great cheers from the Wee Frees greeted the advent of Mr. A.E.
NEWBOULD, the victor of West Leyton, whose defeat of the Coalition
candidate has increased the size of their party by something like four
per cent. As the new Member is understood to be connected with the
film business his colleagues are hoping that they will soon have
Ministers on the "movies."
We know on high authority that evil communications corrupt good
manners. Sir ERIC GEDDES goes further and believes that they corrupt
everything. That was the text of his capital speech on the second
reading of the Transportation Bill. Dispensing on this occasion with
his usual typescript, he discoursed at large for an hour and a-half on
the paralytic condition of our railways, roads, canals and docks.
We all had our pleasant morning dreams, he said, but they usually
disappeared after we had had our cold bath; and the country, which was
no longer rich, but poor, must take its douche. His own dream is of a
beautifully centralised control, directing all our traffic agencies
(save tramways and shipping) into the most convenient channels; and he
won't be happy till he gets it. But judging by some of the speeches
that followed he too may have a frigid disillusionment when the Bill
comes up against the "interests" in Committee. Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR,
on behalf of Liverpool, described it as the product of "an old
bureaucracy and a young Parliamentarian," and Mr. RENWICK declared
that, if it passed, the Manchester Ship Canal would be "between
the devil and the deep sea," surely an uncalled-for attack on
Cottonopolis.
Upon the adjournment, Col. CLAUDE LOWTHER again raised the question of
the payment of German indemnities, and Mr. BONAR LAW again declared
that the policy of the Government was to demand the largest amount
that Germany could pay, but not to demand what we knew she couldn't
pay. It would have saved him a lot of trouble if at the General
Election the Government spokesmen had insisted as much upon the second
half of the policy as they did upon the first.
_Tuesday, March 18th_.--GILBERT'S fanciful description of the "most
susceptible Chancellor" is justified by the way in which the present
occupant of the Woolsack and his predecessors vie with one another in
the endeavour to secure the favour of the fair sex. Today it was
Lord HALDANE'S turn to oblige, and he brought in a Bill to enable
Scotswomen to become Advocates and Law Agents. Lord HALSBURY'S
contribution to the work of feminine emancipation has not yet been
announced. The rumour that a deputation of ladies recently approached
him with a proposal that they should be eligible for judicial
office--"Scarlet and ermine are _so_ becoming"--and that he put them
off with the old joke about there being "enough old women on the Bench
already" is, of course, apocryphal.
Not infrequently in the official reports of the Lords' debates a
speech begins thus: "Lord ---- (_who was indistinctly heard_)." The
Commons' report might well adopt this salutary practice as a warning
to Members who persistently mumble, or who address their remarks to
the body of the House instead of to the SPEAKER. Ministers are the
worst offenders. One of them was asked this afternoon, for example,
whether the Judicial Adviser to the SULTAN had discouraged the use of
the English language in the Egyptian Courts, but all we could hear of
the _sotto voce_ conversation between him and his interrogator was
that "er--er--language--er--had--been--er--er--misunderstood."
Some savages, travellers tell us, are unable to count beyond five.
Some Ministers, on the other hand, show an inability to reckon except
in millions. Mr. CHURCHILL, when asked how many soldiers were not
receiving the recent increase of pay, remarked casually that the
numbers were "not so very great--half-a-million would cover them."
Happily these "sloppy statistics" (to recall a phrase used by Mr.
ASQUITH during the Tariff Reform controversy) do not appeal to the
FOOD-CONTROLLER. He, being invited to say whether the Government had
made "approximately £2,400,000" by the charge on cattle-sales, replied
that the amount was "approximately" £3,449,939; and we felt that he
was cut to the heart at not being able to give the odd shillings and
pence.
The renewed debate on the Transportation Bill revealed a good deal
of opposition. Roadmen thought it an excellent project for railways;
railwayman were all in favour of its being applied to docks; and
dockmen had no objection to its being tried on the roads. But none of
them wanted it for his own particular interest. Sir EDWARD CARSON'S
objections were both particular and general. Belfast would be ruined
if its port were controlled by "a nest of politicians" in Dublin, but
apart from that he doubted whether the promised economies would
be realised in any direction. Ministers were "gluttons for
centralisation," and would, he prophesied, incur the usual fate of
gluttons, acute indigestion.
Mr. BONAR LAW, while admitting that he himself would not have voted
for the Bill five years ago, declared that the War had made it
essential. That seemed to be the general opinion, for the second
reading was agreed to without a division.
_Wednesday, March 19th_.--Lord MALMESBURY, who has lately been the
victim of a burglary, attributed it to housebreakers having been
demobilised before policemen. Whether this was done on the ground that
they conducted "one man businesses," or because someone in Whitehall
assumed that the wielders of the centre-bit must be "pivotal," I do
not know, but an Army Order requiring Commanding Officers to keep
the balance even between criminals and coppers seems to be urgently
needed.
The Bishops were delighted to hear from Lord ERNLE that his department
includes a Hop-Controller, and are going to ask him to turn his
attention to the Jazz.
Museums could not be opened just yet, said Lord STANMORE, because some
eight thousand officials of various departments were at present lodged
in these buildings. To judge by the comments of the public Press,
there are several hundreds more who ought to be kept there.
_Thursday, March 20th_.--Lord WINTERTON wanted to know what the
Government was doing to counteract Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S alleged
anti-British propaganda in the United States. Mr. CECIL HARMSWORTH
thought Professor OMAN'S recent memorandum would prove a sufficient
counterblast. He had, however, no objection to adding Mr. SHAW'S
latest pamphlet to "the large budget of Shavian literature" already at
the Foreign Office, where, it is said, the clerks on night-duty like
to beguile their leisure with light fiction.
Late in the evening Mr. BONAR LAW announced the intentions of the
Government with regard to the coal industry. It would adopt Mr.
Justice SANKEY'S report, giving the men a large portion of their
demands. If the miners still persisted in striking--well, the State
would strike too, with all its might; otherwise there was an end of
government in this country. The cheers which greeted this statement
seriously annoyed Mr. JACK JONES, who sits for Silvertown, and
maintains the explosive reputation of his constituency.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE CROWN OF OLD KING COAL.