was a good idea of yours, to cough. I was apprehensive of other visits."
"A doctor doesn't ordinarily fear them."
"That depends on what kind they are."
"Perhaps you have company, and I disturb you?"
"Not at all. I am alone. Come in."
I passed through a very small room, in which I did not see a single
piece of furniture, into a large bedroom with an iron bed, a desk,
chairs, two trunks, and a small book-case. Clothes and toilet articles
were scattered about on all the furniture and in every corner. If
picturesque disorder is the result of an artistic temperament, it is
impossible to be more artistic than Balloquet, who offered me a chair,
saying, as he removed the dressing gown in which he was wrapped:
"I'll go back to bed, with your permission?"
"Certainly; but you lie in bed very late; are you ill?"
"Not now; but I've had a hard time."
"You are changed, that is true. Where is your fine coloring, and the
fresh complexion that procured you so many soft glances?"
"Oh! as to my fresh complexion, I have lost that entirely; but it will
come back. It's infernally cold here!"
"That is true."
"Come nearer the fireplace."
"I haven't the slightest objection, but how will that help me? There's
no fire."
"No fire! Gad! that's so. I remember now that I didn't find a single
stick this morning in that trunk that I use as a woodbox; indeed, that's
why I stayed in bed, because it was warmer here. Will you get into bed
with me, without ceremony?"
"No, thanks; I prefer to be cold. But, tell me, Balloquet, what in the
deuce has happened to you since I saw you last? Then you had a very
pretty little suite of rooms, handsomely furnished; you had everything
you wanted, and a fellow didn't freeze in your room; and to-day you are
perched on a sixth floor, in a single room; for I don't see any other
than the one I entered, and this is evidently the whole apartment."
"Yes; but how beautifully it's decorated, eh? Fresh paint, and this
wall paper, and that ceiling with a centre-piece!"
"Yes, yes, it's all fresh and new; for all that, I should think that
you'd need some furniture."
"Do you think so? For my part, when an apartment has pretty wall paper
and fresh paint, it seems to me that very little furniture is required."
"Very little, possibly, but some; and I didn't see a single piece in the
outer room."
"Furniture would make it look smaller, and it's none too large."
I began to laugh, and Balloquet followed suit, rolling himself up in the
bedclothes.
"My dear Rochebrune," he continued, "I will conceal the truth from you
no longer: you see before you a man who is completely _strapped_--yes,
completely!"
"Parbleu! did you suppose that I hadn't discovered it?"
"I'll tell you what has happened to me.--Sapristi! where in the deuce is
it? I can't find it, and I must have it."
"What are you looking for under your bedclothes?"
"A friend, a trusty companion, who is of great assistance to me."
"A dog taught to fetch and carry, eh?"
"No, no, it isn't a dog. Ah! here it is!"
And Balloquet produced a little squirrel which he had just captured at
the foot of his bed, and which he proceeded to fasten to the back of a
chair by a small chain.
"What do you do with that beast?"
"He's a gift from the sentimental Satine; and he would have gone the way
of everything else, but for the fact that he has often helped me out of
a scrape."
"That squirrel?"
"Yes, my dear fellow. Perhaps you will have ocular proof of it before
long. But let me tell you the story of my misfortunes. I am sorry that
you won't get into bed; I'm afraid that you are cold."
"No. Haven't you even a match here?"
"Faith! it's doubtful. Ah, yes! I see three in the corner. Why? have you
got some firewood in your pocket?"
"No; but I have some cigars, and I propose to smoke one."
"An excellent idea! smoking keeps you warm. Have you a cigar for
friendship?"
"Always."
"I recognize you there!"
"Could Achilles have smoked without Patroclus?"
Balloquet gave me a single match, begging me to be careful of it. I
lighted a cigar, and from it he lighted the one that I gave him. Then he
covered himself with the bedclothes, I wrapped myself hermetically in my
cloak, and he began:
"The last time I saw you was at the dinner Dupreval gave us, where
Fouvenard told us such a villainous story."
"By the way, you were rather intimate with Fouvenard, I think; what is
he doing now?"
"I don't know. I never see him. I am very far from being a saint, but
his adventure with that poor girl from Sceaux made me detest him."
"Give me your hand, Balloquet; I am glad that you think as I do on that
subject. I should have had a very poor opinion of you, if you had
continued to be that man's friend. Take another cigar, and go on; I am
listening."
"You remember those two famous wedding parties, don't you? I attended
Mademoiselle Petronille Bocal's, where, after some rather lively
scrimmages, I became the jewel, the Benjamin of the family, thanks to
your arrival with Papa Bocal's landlord. You saw how refreshments were
served at that function: punch, mulled wine, and _bischoff_ circulating
all the time. The women were of all the colors of the rainbow, and so
lively and free and easy! the number of glances that were flashed at me
was fabulous! but I had cast my spell on a buxom, high-colored
brunette, with red roses in her hair."
"I remember your charmer; I saw you talking with her."
"In that case, you see that I don't flatter her. To make a long story
short, after supper, during which there was a time when the whole
company was fighting because Madame Girie, the groom's mother, swore
that she hadn't had the second joint of a chicken that rightfully
belonged to her, and that they hadn't given her any truffles when all
the others had some, we left the mother-in-law quarrelling, the father
swearing, the groom apologizing, and the bride weeping and tearing her
hair, and stole away, my widow and I, in much better spirits than the
givers of the feast. But it's almost always like that; _sic vos_--you
know the rest.
"My new conquest sold gloves; she had a fine shop on Boulevard des
Italiens. No end of style! Mirrors everywhere, violet-wood counter, and
an odor of perfumery as soon as you entered the shop! I was in raptures.
'At last, here's a woman who won't cost you anything, and they're very
scarce!' I said to myself. In fact, during the first few days, my pretty
widow invited me to dine in her back shop. We dined very well, for
Madame Satine likes good things, the delicacies of the season; moreover,
she kept me in gloves; as soon as she saw that mine were shabby, she'd
say:
"'Fi! fi! what sort of gloves are you wearing? I like to have a man
always well gloved; that's the way to recognize a dandy.'
"I let her do as she pleased; I can never refuse a woman anything.
"One day, my loving Satine, with whom I was dining, said to me:
"'Look you, my little Loquet,'--she always called me by the tail of my
name,--'I have an opportunity to make a lot of money.'
"'My dear,' said I, 'you must seize it as you do my name--by the tail.'
"'I know someone who has invented a way of making gloves without seams.
They will be splendid; fashionable people won't wear anything else.
There's a hundred thousand francs to be made in it.'
"'Somebody once invented seamless boots,' I replied, 'but I don't think
he ever made much money, for they didn't take.'
"'Hands aren't like feet. I am sure of the success of this enterprise.'
"'Go on and make your seamless gloves, then.'
"'But I must buy the secret process first, and I can't get it for less
than fifteen thousand francs.'
"'That's rather dear for a few less seams.'
"'But with that fifteen thousand francs I shall make a hundred
thousand!'
"'Buy the secret, then.'
"'That's what I want to do. A mere trifle prevents me--I haven't any
money; but I thought of you. You told me, you know, that it would make
you unhappy if I didn't always think of you.'
"'When it's a matter of love, that is true.'
"'I think of you for everything. My little Loquet, you must lend me the
fifteen thousand francs.'
"'I should be delighted to oblige you, my sweet love; but there's a
trifle that prevents me too: I have no money.'
"'Oh! nonsense!'
"'Five or six hundred francs, at your service, but no more. I am just
beginning the practice of medicine, you understand; I have a large
number of patients already: almost all the lorettes in the Breda quarter
have me to attend them, and they often have trifling indispositions; but
not one of them ever pays me, that isn't their custom. As for my
parents, who live in La Beauce, they have got tired of sending me money.
They claim that I ought to have acquired talent enough to earn my
living. Parbleu! talent isn't what I lack, but paying patients.'
"My brunette stamped impatiently, crying:
"'I mean to make my fortune, I tell you, and I can do it by selling
seamless gloves. Look you, my little Loquet, you can give me your notes
of hand; I can negotiate them; the owner of the process will take them
in payment.'
"'But how am I to pay them?'
"'The profits will begin to come in before they fall due; I shall be
selling my new gloves, and we shall have the means to pay them.'
"I hesitated; but my brunette was so sure of success; and then, I had
dined well, and at such times I sign whatever anyone asks me to. I made
five notes of hand, of three thousand francs each.--You can guess the
result! The seamless gloves tore as soon as anyone attempted to put them
on. My poor Satine was forced to assign. We paid the first two notes,
but I was obliged to sell almost everything I possessed. The third has
come due, and they will soon be here to demand payment. I am besieged
already by a crowd of other creditors; for, after all, a man must live,
and clothe himself, and have a roof over his head. I am completely
cleaned out! But I don't bear my mistress any grudge; she has gone to
law with the villain who defrauded her with his secret, and hopes to
make him disgorge the last two notes at least, and----"
A ring at the doorbell interrupted Balloquet, who sat up in bed and
looked at me, saying in an undertone:
"Damnation! there's someone!"
"Shall I open the door?"
"No, no! wait a moment. I recognize a creditor by his way of ringing;
perhaps it's the bearer of that note. No matter! I might as well have it
over with. Wait!"
Balloquet jumped out of bed and opened a closet near the headboard, in
which I saw a rather large iron chest set into the wall.
"I found this safe here when I took possession," whispered Balloquet,
"and it serves my turn splendidly."
"I can't imagine what purpose a safe can serve, when you have no money."
"You will see, my dear fellow."
He opened the chest, threw in three large two-sou pieces, then said to
me:
"Will you lend me two hundred-sou pieces for a few minutes? They will do
much better."
"With pleasure, my dear fellow! do you want more?"
"No, two are enough, but I don't happen to have any at this moment."
He took out the two-sou pieces and replaced them by the five-franc
pieces I had given him; then, untying his squirrel, he put him into the
chest, and at once closed and locked the door, taking care to remove the
key. Then he closed the closet. Having completed this operation, he
returned to the bed, motioning to me to open the door.
An old man stood on the landing, well dressed, very short and stout,
with a red face; he had all the externals of a retired restaurant
keeper.
"Monsieur Balloquet, if you please?"
"This is the place, monsieur."
"I have come to collect a note for----"
"Be good enough to come in, monsieur."
He entered the inner room, where Balloquet, still in bed, nodded his
head to him.
"I have come," the visitor repeated, "to collect a note of hand for
three thousand francs, due to-morrow; but to-morrow being a holiday, it
falls due the day before."
"Very well, monsieur. Please take a seat, and you shall be paid.--My
dear Charles, will you be good enough to get the amount from my safe?
It's in the closet at the head of my bed."
Balloquet said this with a self-possession which I could not but admire;
I opened the closet, and we heard the jingling of money in the safe. I
guessed that it was the squirrel playing with the coins with which he
was confined, and I had to bite my lips to keep from laughing, while
Balloquet exclaimed:
"I would like right well to know what my next-door neighbor is doing;
something that shakes the house, apparently, as it makes the gold pieces
dance in my safe; and it's like that almost all day. I shall end by
complaining to the landlord.--Take three thousand francs and pay
monsieur, will you, Charles?"
I put my head into the closet and replied:
"But the safe is locked and the key isn't in it."
"What do you say? the key isn't in the lock?"
"No."
"Look on the floor--and on top."
"I have looked on top and underneath, but I don't see any key."
"Ah! the rattle-headed rascal! I'll stake my head that that's what has
happened. Sapristi! it puts me in a pretty fix, on my word!"
"What's the matter?"
"Imagine, Charles, that I had twelve thousand francs to pay this
morning. It was all right, the funds were ready--I am never behindhand,
you know--but, being ill, I had asked Bertinet, a friend of mine, who
happened to drop in, to stay with me, so that I need not have to get up.
He consented, after some urging; he had business at Rouen and was in a
hurry to be off. Luckily, my creditor came early to get the twelve
thousand francs. Bertinet paid him, and soon after went away. Well, I
see now that the careless fellow must have put the key of my safe in his
pocket, by accident, and gone off with it! It's very amusing, as he
isn't to return for a week!"
Balloquet's tale was accompanied by the rattle of the silver pieces,
which the squirrel kept constantly in motion in the safe. It seemed to
me a most ingenious trick, and I rejoined, indulgently:
"It's all the more disagreeable because these safes have secret locks
and there's no way of opening them except by destroying them altogether;
and that would be a pity, for they're quite expensive."
"I should say so! that safe cost me nine hundred francs. But it's a
solid fellow! You might try to smash it, but you couldn't do it. It
would require a charge of gunpowder to open it, and then---- You see
what has happened, monsieur; I am exceedingly mortified that you have
come here for nothing, but it is not my fault; my friend will return in
a week, and then----"
The old gentleman, who had listened with an expression bordering on
idiocy, rejoined in the same tone as when he first entered the room:
"I have come to collect a note for three thousand francs, due to-morrow;
but as to-morrow is a----"
"All right, monsieur!" interposed Balloquet, impatiently; "I know
perfectly well why you have come, and I was going to pay you. Parbleu!
your money's there; it isn't the money that's lacking; indeed, you can
hear my gold pieces dancing, thanks to my neighbor. But as I haven't the
key of my safe, as it has been carried off by mistake,--for it wasn't
done maliciously, I am sure,--I can't pay you to-day. It is annoying, I
can understand that; but, after all, it's only a delay of a few days."
The little old man blew his nose at great length, took a pinch of
snuff, coughed, spat, wiped his nose, and began:
"I have come to collect a note----"
"Sapristi! this is too much!" cried Balloquet, throwing his head back on
his pillow; then he crawled under his bedclothes, so that nothing was
visible but the end of his nose, muttering: "Do what you please; I have
had enough; I've nothing more to say."
The bearer of the note of hand gazed at me in blank amazement. I tried
to make him understand the situation. I took him by the hand and led him
to the safe, where the squirrel was still at play, and said:
"How do you expect my friend to pay you? He hasn't the key; it's at
Rouen; and there's no way of forcing this lock."
"But then I, who came here to----"
"Come again in a few days; then my friend will have his key, and you
will be paid. I have the honor to salute you, monsieur; if you should
stay here three hours, the fact would remain the same, so you might as
well go!"
And I pushed him gently toward the door; he made no resistance, so I
escorted him to the landing and closed the door on him. I heard him
mumbling as he went downstairs:
"I came to collect a note of hand for three thousand francs----"
"Bravo, my dear Rochebrune, and a thousand thanks!" said Balloquet. "We
had hard work; he was as tenacious as the devil, that fellow, but I am
rid of him."
"He'll come again in a few days."
"He won't find me, for I am going to move, to hide myself, wall myself
up. Would you have me pay a second time for those seamless abortions?
Satine will find money somehow--that's her business."
The bell rang again.
"_Bigre!_ do you suppose the old fossil has come back? He can't have
gone to get a locksmith, can he?"
"It isn't probable; he hasn't had time. What are you going to do? Shall
I open the door?"
"Faith! the squirrel is still in the safe, playing his little game. If
it happens to be a creditor, the trick may work again. Be kind enough to
open the door."
I complied with his request, and received a lady fully fifty years of
age, who was dressed with much coquetry, although her costume was not
absolutely fresh. She bowed to me, and, without waiting to be ushered
in, walked quickly by me, saying:
"I beg pardon, monsieur, it's Monsieur Balloquet I want to see, and I
know he's in; I took pains to inquire."
She was in the inner room before I had had time to answer her. Seeing my
friend in bed, she started back; but she speedily recovered herself and
went on.
"Ah! so you're in bed, are you?" she exclaimed. "But, after all, the
doctors visit us when we're in bed; so why shouldn't we do the same by
them?"
"Perfectly argued, Madame Philocome. Pray take the trouble to be
seated."
Madame Philocome took a chair, after some show of reluctance.
"Are you sick?" she said, twisting her mouth out of shape.
"Mon Dieu! yes, dear Madame Philocome, I am sick. But may I know to what
I am indebted for the honor of this visit?"
"Why, I happen to have in my hands a little _broche_ of yours."
"A _broche?_"
"A little note, if you like that better; a hundred and fifty francs.
It's a small matter. You made it to your tailor's order; he paid it to
me, and I came to collect it. If, at the same time, you could give me
what you owe me for perfumery and essences, you know----"
"Yes, I know that I owe you a trifle. Parbleu! if you have your bill
here, we'll settle the whole thing together; I ask nothing better."
"It will be an accommodation to me, especially as you don't come to see
us any more, doctor; you've taken your custom away from us; that's all
wrong."
"Not at all; but when I moved into another quarter----"
"Here's my bill; it amounts to a hundred and thirty-two francs."
"Very good; a hundred and fifty and a hundred and thirty-two; that makes
two hundred and eighty-two in all.--My dear Charles, do me the favor to
take that amount from my safe."
Thereupon we performed for Madame Philocome's benefit the scene of the
lost key, with an accompaniment of money jingling by the squirrel. But I
was pained to see that the perfumer shook her head and smiled in a very
equivocal fashion. Finally, when Balloquet essayed to express his regret
at the loss of his key, the old coquette interrupted him, saying:
"It seems that you mislay your key very often, monsieur; for I have
happened to see two of your creditors, and they have told me why you
didn't pay them; it was exactly the same thing as to-day--the same
scheme and the same details."
"That may be, madame; in fact, I did lose my key several days ago."
"Then, monsieur, why did you pretend at first that you were ready to pay
me?"
Balloquet buried himself under the bedclothes, with a horrible grimace.
I closed the closet door so that we could no longer hear the squirrel,
whose efforts thenceforth were of no avail. Madame Philocome settled
herself comfortably in her chair, saying:
"I'm very sorry, monsieur, but I want my money. You must have some,
judging from that silvery tinkle in your safe. I refuse to be so
good-natured as the others you have got rid of by this means. You must
pay me; I won't go away until you do."
"Then you'll stay here a long while, madame."
"It's all the same to me, monsieur; I'm in no hurry."
Balloquet angrily rolled himself up in his bedclothes. I seated myself
beside the hearth, curious to see how it would end. Madame Philocome
stared for a while at the centre-piece on the ceiling, then took a book
from the shelves. If she began to read, the situation might be prolonged
indefinitely.
After some time, Balloquet broke the silence by groaning as if he were
in pain; I rose and went to the bedside.
"My friend," he said, with a wink that I understood, "is my face red in
spots?"
"Why, yes--you have some blotches."
"Are the whites of my eyes yellow?"
"Very yellow!"
"The devil! Be kind enough to look at my tongue and tell me if there are
any little swellings on it?"
He put out his tongue, and I exclaimed after examining it:
"It's covered with them!"
"Damnation! Then it must be that; I can't fool myself any longer. I know
now what my trouble is. However, I can take care of myself."
"Why, what is your trouble?"
"Pardieu! I am going to have the smallpox, that's all! However, I have
been vaccinated!"
Balloquet had not finished speaking, when Madame Philocome threw down
her book, sprang abruptly to her feet, and rushed from the room, crying:
"Adieu, doctor! you can pay me later; when you please!"
"But, Madame Philocome, if you would rather wait for my key, I'll send
to Rouen."
It was unnecessary to say more; we heard the outer door open and close
with a bang, and Madame Philocome scrambling down the stairs. Then
Balloquet looked at me and roared with laughter, in which I joined. We
were still laughing, I am sure, when the old coquette was a long way
from the house.
XXVII
A CONSULTATION
"What do you think of my second method, Rochebrune?"
"Excellent; indeed, I think that it's better than the other, for it
requires less preparation."
"That depends. We have creditors who will defy smallpox, yellow
fever--aye, the plague itself. But I must get up and liberate my
squirrel, and return your ten francs."
"I will take back the ten francs, which would be of no great use to you;
but if you would like this five-hundred-franc note, which I put in my
pocket with a view to settling with my tailor, why, don't hesitate to
say so; I shall be glad to do you a service."
Balloquet forgot that he was in his shirt; he leaped on my neck, crying:
"Would I like it! I should say so! I wouldn't have asked for it, but you
offer it! You're a friend indeed! Let me hear anyone say that there are
no such things as friends nowadays! Dear old Rochebrune! And you don't
know me very well, either."
"I know you well enough to be happy that I am able to oblige you."
"Oh! by the way, I ought to warn you of one thing: I can't say just when
I shall be able to pay you."
"Don't let that disturb you! You may pay me when fortune smiles on you
again, when you have a profitable practice."
"Oh! as for that, you will be the first person paid. So I'm in funds
once more! _Vive la joie!_--No more potatoes! I've had enough of them;
I've been stuffed with them for a long time. But I won't tell Satine
that my pockets are lined, for she has always some invention or other in
her head, and it's too risky."
I was about to take leave of Balloquet, who was just pulling on his
trousers, when we heard three little taps at his door. The young doctor
listened and smiled.
"What sort of a farce are you going to play this time?" I asked him.
"Oh! this is no creditor, my dear fellow, I am sure. The creditor knocks
noisily; but those soft little taps--I'll bet that it's someone to
consult me."
He went into the outer room and called:
"Who's there?"
"Someone who wishes to consult monsieur le medecin," replied a soft,
female voice.
"I will leave you," I said, taking my hat; but Balloquet detained me.
"Do stay," he said. "Thus far you have seen nothing but the unpleasant
features of my position as a debtor; it is only fair that you should be
a witness also of the advantages we owe to our profession. This is some
girl to consult me. It is sometimes quite amusing to listen. They
conceal nothing from their doctor; they tell him some things that they
certainly wouldn't tell their lovers."
"But she won't dare to say anything before a witness, will she?"