THE ARMY OF WINDY STANDARD.
At last, however, all was ready, in the historical phrase of Napoleon
the Little, "to the last gaiter-button."
It was the intention of the Commander-in-Chief to attack the citadel
of the enemy with banners flying, and after due notice. He had been
practising for days upon his three-key bugle in order to give the call
of Childe Roland. But Private Sammy Carter, who was always sticking
his oar in, put him upon wiser lines, and (what is more) did it so
quietly and suggestively that General Napoleon was soon convinced that
Sammy's plan was his own, and on the second day boasted of its merits
to its original begetter, who did not even smile. The like has
happened in greater armies with generals as distinguished.
Sammy Carter advised that the assault should be delivered between
eight and nine in the morning, for the very good reasons that at that
hour both the butcher's apprentice, Tommy Pratt, and the slaughterman
would be busy delivering the forenoon orders, while the butcher's son,
Nipper Donnan, would be at school, and the Black Sheds consequently
entirely deserted.
At first Hugh John rebelled, and asserted that this was not a
sportsmanlike mode of proceeding, but Sammy Carter, who always knew
more about everything than was good for anybody, overwhelmed his chief
with examples of strategies and surprises from the military history of
thirty centuries.
"Besides," said he, somewhat pertinently, "let's get Donald back
first, and then we can be chivalrous all you want. Perhaps they are
keeping him to fatten him up for the Odd Coons' Bank Holiday Feast."
This, as the wily Sammy knew, was calculated to stir up the wrath of
his general more than anything else he could say. For at the annual
Bean Feast of the Honourable Company of Odd Coons, a benefit secret
society of convivial habits, a sheep was annually roasted whole. It
said an ox on the programme, but the actual result, curiously enough,
was mutton and not beef.
"We attack to-morrow at daybreak," said Field-Marshal Smith grandly,
as soon as Sammy Carter had finished speaking.
This, however, had subsequently to be modified to nine o'clock, to
suit the breakfast hour of the Carters. Moreover Saturday was
substituted for Tuesday, both because Cissy and Sammy could most
easily "shirk" their governess on that day, and because Mr. Picton
Smith was known to be going up to London by the night train on Friday.
On such trivial circumstances do great events depend.
When the army was finally mustered for the assault, its armament was
found to be somewhat varied, though generally efficient. But then even
in larger armies the weapons of the different arms of the service are
far from uniform. There are, for example, rifles and bayonets for the
Line, lances for the Light Horse, carbines, sabres, and army biscuits,
all deadly after their kind.
So it was in the campaigning outfit of the forces of Windy Standard.
The historian can only hint at this equipment, so strange were the
various kits. The Commander-in-Chief wished to insist on a red sash
and a long cut-and-thrust sword, with (if possible) a kettle-drum. But
this was found impracticable as a general order. For not only did the
two divisional commanders decline to submit to the sash, but there
were not enough kettle-drums intact to go more than half round.
So General Smith was the only soldier who carried a real sword. He had
also a pistol, which, however, obstinately refused to go off, but
formed a valuable weapon when held by the barrel. Cissy was furnished
with a pike, constructed by Prince Michael's father, the dethroned
monarch of O'Donowitch-dom, out of a leister or fish-spear--which,
strangely enough, he had carried away with him from his palace at the
time of his exile. This constituted a really formidable armament,
being at least five feet long, and so sharp that if you ran very hard
against a soft wooden door with it, it made a mark which you could see
quite a yard off in a good light.
Prissy had a carpet-broom with a long handle, which at a distance
looked like a gun, and as Prissy meant to do all her fighting at a
distance this was quite sufficient. In addition she had three pieces
of twine to tie up her dress, so that she would be ready to run away
untrammelled by flapping skirts. Sir Toady Lion was equipped for war
with a thimble, three sticky bull's-eyes, the haft of a knife (but no
blade), a dog-whistle, and a go-cart with one shaft, all of which
proved exceedingly useful.
The two Generals of Division were attired in neat stable clothes with
buttoned leggings, and put their trust in a pair of "catties"
(otherwise known as catapults), two stout shillelahs, the national
batons of the exiled prince, manufactured by himself; and, most
valuable of all, a set a-piece of horny knuckles, which they had kept
in constant practice against each other all through the piping times
of peace. Both Mike and Peter knowingly chewed straws in opposite
corners of their mouths.
The forces on the other side were quite unknown, both as to number and
quality. Hugh John maintained that there were at least twenty, and
Toady Lion stoutly proclaimed that there were a million thousand, and
that he had seen and counted them every one. But a stricter census,
instituted upon evidence led by Private Sammy Carter, could not get
beyond half-a-dozen. So that the disproportion was not so great as
might have been supposed. Still the siege of the Sheds was felt to be
of the nature of a forlorn hope.
It was arranged that all who distinguished themselves for deeds of
valour were to receive the Victoria Cross, a decoration which had been
cut by Hugh John out of the tops of ginger-beer bottles with a cold
chisel. As soon, however, as Sir Toady Lion heard this, he sat down in
the dust of the roadside, and simply refused to budge till his
grievances were redressed.
"I wants Victowya Cyoss _now_!" he remarked, with his father's wrinkle
of determination between the eyes showing very plain, as it always did
when he wanted anything very much.
For when Toady Lion asked for a thing, like the person in the
advertisement, he saw that he got it.
In vain it was pointed out to him that this ill-advised action
constituted rank mutiny, and that he was liable to be arrested, tried
by court-martial, and ignominiously shot. Toady Lion knew all about
mutiny, and cared nothing about courts-martial. Besides, he had had
some experience, and he knew the value of "making oneself a nuisance"
in army matters.
Equally in vain was Sammy Carter's humorously false information that
he had better run, for here was Janet coming up the road with an awful
biggy stick.
"Don't care for Janet," reiterated Toady Lion. "I wants Victowya
Cyoss--I wants it _now!_"
So there upon the roadside, at the very outset of the campaign, Sir
Toady Lion was decorated with the much coveted "For Valour" cross.
And he would be a bold man who would say that he did not deserve it.