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One man may lead a horse to the water, but ten cannot make him drink,
sayeth the adage; and so it might be said, any one might devise an
act of parliament--but who can explain all its intentions and
provisions--define its powers--and illustrate its meanings? One clause
will occasionally vitiate another; one section completely contradict the
preceding one; the very objects of the legislature are often so pared
away in committee, that a mere shadowy outline remains of what the
original framer intended; and were it not for the bold hand of executive
justice, the whole might be inoperative. The judge, happily, supplies
the deficiency of the lawmaker--and the thing were perfect, if judges
were not, like doctors, given to differ--and thus, occasionally,
disseminate somewhat opposite notions of the statutes of the land.
Such being the case, it will not be deemed impertinent of one, who
desires to conform in all respects to the law, to ask, from time to
time, of our rulers and governors, certain questions, the answers to
which, should he happily receive them, will be regarded by him as though
written on tables of brass. Now, in a late session of parliament, some
humane member brought in a bill to interdict the sweeping of chimneys
by all persons small enough for the purpose, and ingeniously suggested
supplying their place by others, whose size would have inevitably
condemned them to perish in a flue. Never had philanthropist a
greater share of popularity. Little sweeps sang his praises along the
streets--penny periodicals had verses in his honour--the “song of the
soot” was set to music--and people, in the frenzy of their enthusiasm,
so far forgot their chimneys, that scarcely a street in town had not,
at least, one fire every night in the week. Meanwhile, the tender
sweeplings had lost their occupation, they had pronounced their farewell
to the brush--what was to become of them? Alas, the legislature had not
thought of that point; for, they were not influential enough to claim
compensation. I grieve to think, but there is too much reason to fear,
that many of them betook themselves to the ancient vocation of
pickpockets. Yes, as Dr. Watts has it--
“Satan finds some mischief still
For idle hands to do.”
The divisional police-offices were filled each morning with small
“suttees”--whose researches after handkerchiefs and snuff-boxes were of
the most active kind; while their full-grown brethren, first impacted
in a funnel of ten inches by eight, were cursing the Commons, and
consigning to all manner of misfortune the benevolent framer of the
bill.
Now, I cannot help asking myself, was this the intention of the
legislature--did they really mean that big people should try to
penetrate where little ones were not small enough to pass?--or was it
some piece of conciliation to the climbing boys, that they should see
their masters grilled and wasted, in revenge for “the disabilities they
had so long laboured under?” This point of great difficulty--and after
much thought and deliberation, I have come to one solution of the whole
question, and I only hope it may prove the right one. It is this. The
bill is a parable--the climbing boy, and the full-grown sweep--and the
chimney, and the householder, and the machine, are mere types which I
would interpret thus:--the householder is John Bull, a good-natured,
easy fellow, liking his ease, and studying his comfort--caring for his
dinner, and detesting smoke above all things; he wishes to have his
house neat and orderly, neither confusion nor disturbance--but his great
dread is fire; the very thought of it sets him a-trembling all over.
Now, for years past, he has remarked that the small sweeps, who mount so
glibly to the top of the flue, rarely do anything but make a noise--they
scream and shout for ten minutes, or so, and then come down, with their
eyes red, and their noses bloody, and cry themselves sick, till they get
bread-and-butter. John is worried and fretted at all this; he remembers
the time a good-sized sweep used to go up and rake down all the soot in
no time. These were the old Tory ministers, who took such wise and safe
precautions against fire, that an insurance-office was never needed.
“Not so now,” quoth John; “'od! rabbit it, they've got their climbing
boys, who are always bleating and bawling, for the neighbourhood to look
at them--and yet, devil a bit of good they do the whole time.”
And now, who are these? you would ask. I'll tell you--the “Climbing
Boys” are the Howicks, and the Clements--the Smith O'Briens and the
D'Israelis, and a host of others, scraping their way upwards, through
soot and smoke, that they may put out their heads in high places, and
cry “'weep! weep!” and well may they--they've had a dirty journey--and
black enough their hands are, I warrant you, before they got there.
To get rid of these, without offending them, John brings in his
philanthropic bill, making it penal to employ them, or to have any other
than the old legitimate sweeps, that know every turn of the flue, and
have gone up and down any time these twenty years. No new machine for
him--no Whig contrivance, to scrape the bricks and burn the house--but
the responsible full-grown sweeps--who, if the passage be narrow, have
strength to force their way, and take good care not to get dust in their
eyes in the process.
Such is my interpretation of the bill, and I only trust a discerning
public may agree with me.