I had just sat down to make some cakes for Amulya when the Bara
Rani came upon the scene. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "has it come
to this that you must make cakes for your own birthday?"
"Is there no one else for whom I could be making them?" I asked.
"But this is not the day when you should think of feasting
others. It is for us to feast you. I was just thinking of
making something up [29] when I heard the staggering news which
completely upset me. A gang of five or six hundred men, they
say, has raided one of our treasuries and made off with six
thousand rupees. Our house will be looted next, they expect."
I felt greatly relieved. So it was our own money after all. I
wanted to send for Amulya at once and tell him that he need only
hand over those notes to my husband and leave the explanations to
me.
"You are a wonderful creature!" my sister-in-law broke out, at
the change in my countenance. "Have you then really no such
thing as fear?"
"I cannot believe it," I said. "Why should they loot our house?"
"Not believe it, indeed! Who could have believed that they would
attack our treasury, either?"
I made no reply, but bent over my cakes, putting in the cocoa-nut
stuffing.
"Well, I'm off," said the Bara Rani after a prolonged stare at
me. "I must see Brother Nikhil and get something done about
sending off my money to Calcutta, before it's too late."
She was no sooner gone than I left the cakes to take care of
themselves and rushed to my dressing-room, shutting myself
inside. My husband's tunic with the keys in its pocket was still
hanging there--so forgetful was he. I took the key of the iron
safe off the ring and kept it by me, hidden in the folds of my
dress.
Then there came a knocking at the door. "I am dressing," I
called out. I could hear the Bara Rani saying: "Only a minute
ago I saw her making cakes and now she is busy dressing up. What
next, I wonder! One of their __Bande Mataram__ meetings is
on, I suppose. I say, Robber Queen," she called out to me, "are
you taking stock of your loot?"
When they went away I hardly know what made me open the safe.
Perhaps there was a lurking hope that it might all be a dream.
What if, on pulling out the inside drawer, I should find the
rolls of gold there, just as before? ... Alas, everything was
empty as the trust which had been betrayed.
I had to go through the farce of dressing. I had to do my hair
up all over again, quite unnecessarily. When I came out my
sister-in-law railed at me: "How many times are you going to
dress today?"
"My birthday!" I said.
"Oh, any pretext seems good enough," she went on. "Many vain
people have I seen in my day, but you beat them all hollow."
I was about to summon a servant to send after Amulya, when one of
the men came up with a little note, which he handed to me. It
was from Amulya. "Sister," he wrote, "you invited me this
afternoon, but I thought I should not wait. Let me first execute
your bidding and then come for my __prasad__. I may be a
little late."
To whom could he be going to return that money? into what fresh
entanglement was the poor boy rushing? O miserable woman, you
can only send him off like an arrow, but not recall him if you
miss your aim.
I should have declared at once that I was at the bottom of this
robbery. But women live on the trust of their surroundings--this
is their whole world. If once it is out that this trust has been
secretly betrayed, their place in their world is lost. They have
then to stand upon the fragments of the thing they have broken,
and its jagged edges keep on wounding them at every turn. To sin
is easy enough, but to make up for it is above all difficult for
a woman.
For some time past all easy approaches for communion with my
husband have been closed to me. How then could I burst on him
with this stupendous news? He was very late in coming for his
meal today--nearly two o'clock. He was absent-minded and hardly
touched any food. I had lost even the right to press him to take
a little more. I had to avert my face to wipe away my tears.
I wanted so badly to say to him: "Do come into our room and rest
awhile; you look so tired." I had just cleared my throat with a
little cough, when a servant hurried in to say that the Police
Inspector had brought Panchu up to the palace. My husband, with
the shadow on his face deepened, left his meal unfinished and
went out.
A little later the Bara Rani appeared. "Why did you not send me
word when Brother Nikhil came in?" she complained. "As he was
late I thought I might as well finish my bath in the meantime.
However did he manage to get through his meal so soon?"
"Why, did you want him for anything?"
"What is this about both of you going off to Calcutta tomorrow?
All I can say is, I am not going to be left here alone. I should
get startled out of my life at every sound, with all these
dacoits about. Is it quite settled about your going tomorrow?"
"Yes," said I, though I had only just now heard it; and though,
moreover, I was not at all sure that before tomorrow our history
might not take such a turn as to make it all one whether we went
or stayed. After that, what our home, our life would be like,
was utterly beyond my ken--it seemed so misty and phantom-like.
In a very few hours now my unseen fate would become visible. Was
there no one who could keep on postponing the flight of these
hours, from day to day, and so make them long enough for me to
set things right, so far as lay in my power? The time during
which the seed lies underground is long--so long indeed that one
forgets that there is any danger of its sprouting. But once its
shoot shows up above the surface, it grows and grows so fast,
there is no time to cover it up, neither with skirt, nor body,
nor even life itself.
I will try to think of it no more, but sit quiet--passive and
callous--let the crash come when it may. By the day after
tomorrow all will be over--publicity, laughter, bewailing,
questions, explanations--everything.
But I cannot forget the face of Amulya--beautiful, radiant with
devotion. He did not wait, despairing, for the blow of fate to
fall, but rushed into the thick of danger. In my misery I do him
reverence. He is my boy-god. Under the pretext of his
playfulness he took from me the weight of my burden. He would
save me by taking the punishment meant for me on his own head.
But how am Ito bear this terrible mercy of my God?
Oh, my child, my child, I do you reverence. Little brother mine,
I do you reverence. Pure are you, beautiful are you, I do you
reverence. May you come to my arms, in the next birth, as my own
child--that is my prayer.
------
29. Any dainties to be offered ceremonially should be made by the
lady of the house herself. [Trans.].