One afternoon, when I happened to be specially busy, word came to
my office room that Bimala had sent for me. I was startled.
"Who did you say had sent for me?" I asked the messenger.
"The Rani Mother."
"The Bara Rani?"
"No, sir, the Chota Rani Mother."
The Chota Rani! It seemed a century since I had been sent for by
her. I kept them all waiting there, and went off into the inner
apartments. When I stepped into our room I had another shock of
surprise to find Bimala there with a distinct suggestion of being
dressed up. The room, which from persistent neglect had latterly
acquired an air of having grown absent-minded, had regained
something of its old order this afternoon. I stood there
silently, looking enquiringly at Bimala.
She flushed a little and the fingers of her right hand toyed for
a time with the bangles on her left arm. Then she abruptly broke
the silence. "Look here! Is it right that ours should be the
only market in all Bengal which allows foreign goods?"
"What, then, would be the right thing to do?" I asked.
"Order them to be cleared out!"
"But the goods are not mine."
"Is not the market yours?"
"It is much more theirs who use it for trade."
"Let them trade in Indian goods, then."
"Nothing would please me better. But suppose they do not?"
"Nonsense! How dare they be so insolent? Are you not ..."
"I am very busy this afternoon and cannot stop to argue it out.
But I must refuse to tyrannize."
"It would not be tyranny for selfish gain, but for the sake of
the country."
"To tyrannize for the country is to tyrannize over the country.
But that I am afraid you will never understand." With this I
came away.
All of a sudden the world shone out for me with a fresh
clearness. I seemed to feel it in my blood, that the Earth had
lost the weight of its earthiness, and its daily task of
sustaining life no longer appeared a burden, as with a wonderful
access of power it whirled through space telling its beads of
days and nights. What endless work, and withal what illimitable
energy of freedom! None shall check it, oh, none can ever check
it! From the depths of my being an uprush of joy, like a
waterspout, sprang high to storm the skies.
I repeatedly asked myself the meaning of this outburst of
feeling. At first there was no intelligible answer. Then it
became clear that the bond against which I had been fretting
inwardly, night and day, had broken. To my surprise I discovered
that my mind was freed from all mistiness. I could see
everything relating to Bimala as if vividly pictured on a camera
screen. It was palpable that she had specially dressed herself
up to coax that order out of me. Till that moment, I had never
viewed Bimala's adornment as a thing apart from herself. But
today the elaborate manner in which she had done up her hair, in
the English fashion, made it appear a mere decoration. That
which before had the mystery of her personality about it, and was
priceless to me, was now out to sell itself cheap.
As I came away from that broken cage of a bedroom, out into the
golden sunlight of the open, there was the avenue of bauhinias,
along the gravelled path in front of my verandah, suffusing the
sky with a rosy flush. A group of starlings beneath the trees
were noisily chattering away. In the distance an empty bullock
cart, with its nose on the ground, held up its tail aloft--one of
its unharnessed bullocks grazing, the other resting on the grass,
its eyes dropping for very comfort, while a crow on its back was
pecking away at the insects on its body.
I seemed to have come closer to the heartbeats of the great earth
in all the simplicity of its daily life; its warm breath fell on
me with the perfume of the bauhinia blossoms; and an anthem,
inexpressibly sweet, seemed to peal forth from this world, where
I, in my freedom, live in the freedom of all else.
We, men, are knights whose quest is that freedom to which our
ideals call us. She who makes for us the banner under which we
fare forth is the true Woman for us. We must tear away the
disguise of her who weaves our net of enchantment at home, and
know her for what she is. We must beware of clothing her in the
witchery of our own longings and imaginings, and thus allow her
to distract us from our true quest.
Today I feel that I shall win through. I have come to the
gateway of the simple; I am now content to see things as they
are. I have gained freedom myself; I shall allow freedom to
others. In my work will be my salvation.
I know that, time and again, my heart will ache, but now that I
understand its pain in all its truth, I can disregard it. Now
that I know it concerns only me, what after all can be its value?
The suffering which belongs to all mankind shall be my crown.
Save me, Truth! Never again let me hanker after the false
paradise of Illusion. If I must walk alone, let me at least
tread your path. Let the drum-beats of Truth lead me to Victory.