_At the base of Mount Vesuvius._
_Enter the_ PRINCE of EAREIGH, _heavily enveloped in an elegant black
velvet opera cloak._
GIMFRISKY. They think they have eluded me, and although this is a hard
place to make a corner, I'll be--
LUCY. What a beautiful--(LUCY and CLEONI _having entered_, R.H.)
CLEONI. Yes, here will we dwell until--But what form is that?
[_The_ PRINCE _here throws off the aforesaid black velvet opera cloak,
and appears in a dress somewhat à la Sing Sing and Charlestown, to wit,
one-half in an Admiral's uniform, the other half being that of a
military officer._]
GIMFRISKY. My dear friends, I have no refreshments here to offer you,
but I will show you the crater, if you will follow me.
LUCY. Lead on, thou gay and festive youth.
CLEONI. This gittin' up is somewhat rugged--
GIMFRISKY. Aye, but I'm used to that kind of business; but here we are
at the top.
[_At this moment an awful eruption takes place, and all are enveloped in
smoke. Soon this clears away, and above the crater appear two huge paws,
holding the_ PRINCE _head downwards, while_ LUCY _and_ CLEONI _may be
seen in loving embrace, sitting under a balloon, and steering due
West._]
_Epilogue by_ C. SUMNER, Esq.,--"Sweet are the uses of adversity."
_Curtain falls to slow and solemn music._
* * * * *
A LONG SHOT.
MR. DISRAELI, in "LOTHAIR," introduces a roving Oxford professor, whom
he characterizes as a "social parasite." Mr. GOLDWIN SMITH is a roving
Oxford professor, who happens now to be amongst us, and who immediately
places upon his head, and ties tightly under his chin, the cap hung out
by the author of LOTHAIR. According to Mr. SMITH'S letter to the gay
LOTHAIRIO, published in the _Tribune_, the cap fits him to a hair,
whereupon he ungratefully shakes his fist at the donor of it across the
Atlantic, and stigmatizes him as a coward. This may lead to a long-shot
duel between the aggressor and the aggrieved. Mr. GOLDWIN SMITH, for
instance, who, in addition to being a roving professor, seems to have
become a raving professor, may go so far as to jerk the word "coward!"
at the teeth of Mr. DISRAELI, through the Atlantic cable. "Glad the cap
fits!" would probably be the prompt response from the trans-Atlantic
party; and thus the culminating Billingsgate might be bandied about
beneath the ocean until all the mermaids turned to fish-wives, and
learned to be so vile in their language as to shock even VENUS
ANADYOMENE, and send her blushing away to the darkest grottoes of the
deep.
* * * * *
ORGANIZING AN ORGAN.
To Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S great disgust, the managers of the coming Beethoven
Festival in New York sent to Boston to borrow the great organ used in
the Coliseum. Fortunately it is found that there is not time to move the
monster here, and put it up. Now let us have an organ that is an
organ--something entirely original--an organ with meerschaum pipes,
specie-paying banks of keys, stops calculated to produce a maximum of
go, with the Rev. Mr. BELLOWS to furnish the music power and the Rev.
HENRY WARD BEECHER to supply the wind. Let us have an organ which will
surpass all other organs in the world, whether the same be political,
phrenological or physical!
* * * * *
ERRATUM.
A Bavarian Princess has been announced as lecturing in this city on the
"Equality of Women."
For "Equality of Women" read "He quality of Women."
* * * * *
[Illustration: A RURAL NUISANCE.
"AND WE MUST SUMMON THE LAW TO OUR AID.----IT CAN HELP US MATERIALLY IN
OUR WARFARE WITH THE COWARDLY VAGABONDS WHO TRAVERSE OUR FIELDS WITH
MUSKET OR RIFLE, BLAZING AWAY AT EVERY UNSUSPECTING ROBIN OR THRUSH THAT
THEY CAN DISCOVER. MAKE IT TRESPASS, PUNISHABLE WITH FINE AND
IMPRISONMENT, TO SHOOT ON ANOTHER'S LAND WITHOUT HIS EXPRESS PERMISSION,
AND THE COWARDLY MASSACRE OF THE FARMERS' HUMBLE ALLIES WOULD BE CHECKED
AT ONCE."
_Mr._ GREELEY'S _"What I Know about Farming," Tribune, June 4._]
* * * * *
PHILADELVINGS.
It would be a good thing for New Yorkers, when they feel a little dull,
to take a run over to Philadelphia and be amused. The good Quakers have
all the hail-holes in their windows mended now, and they are as lively
as ever. Among other things, they have two rival variety theatres,
"Fox's" and the "Chestnut;" and the efforts of each of these to excel
the other creates the greatest excitement among the young Broadbrims.
Each establishment is continually adding something new and wonderful to
its attractions. A week or so ago the weather was very warm, and the
vegetable theatre announced that it was the coolest place in the city.
The next week it was damp and cold, and the animal establishment
declared that its building was the hottest in town. One has a _danseuse_
who spins around so fast that she bores a hole in the floor of the stage
with her toe; and to emulate this, the other produces sixty danseuses,
all imported from Europe, who spin around so fast that you cannot see
them at all. They are all there on the stage, but from the rising to the
falling of the curtain, their velocity is such that they are absolutely
invisible. The one announces no tedious waits; the other no tiresome
measures. Fox guarantees no jokes of his stale; but this statement is
ridiculed in the Chestnut bur-letta. The one advertises itself as the
cradle of wit, but the other does not abate its scoffin' a whit. The one
has a fountain of real water and MORLACCHI; while the other would have
the Gulf Stream, if it did not lack MAURY.
But these are not the only peculiarities of Philadelphia amusements. A
short time ago, the Conchological Society of that city gave a concert.
Did anybody ever hear of a Conchological Concert before? This affair was
a success, owing, perhaps, to its novel programme. "Shells of Ocean" was
of course sung as a solo, a duet, and a chorus; and SHELLEY'S
"Nightingale" was set to music and played as a 'cello solo. A variation,
for the piano, on CRABB ROBINSON'S diary, was also given. The
"Conquering Hero" was sung, and indeed the music dealers declared that
to furnish suitable selections for the performers at this concert, they
had stripped their shelves. Many of the "Hard Shell" Baptists took an
active part in the affair, and SHELTON MCKENZIE was one of its principal
supporters. It is pleasant to learn that the proceeds of the concert
were satisfactory, for the members of the society were obliged to shell
out liberally in order to get it up. A little disturbance was created at
one time, by an unruly boy, who became clamorous for an _encore,_ and
remonstrances only made the young cub boisterous, but one of the
officers threatening to knock him higher than a conchite on Mount
Lebanon, he quieted down. The hall was illuminated by _tentaculites_,
and presented a brilliant appearance. Most of the audience resided out
at Chelton Heights, and a heavy rain, which came up after the
performance, made them very glad to reach the shelter of their homes.
The Presbyterians had a lively time among the Quakers for a couple of
weeks. As they are now a united body, "Old School" and "New School" are
things of the past. But it must not be supposed that reference is made
to old SCHOOL of the _Evening Star_. He is not a thing of the past; and
it is one of the pleasantest recreations of the Philadelphians to sit at
their front windows and listen to his thirty thousand newsboys sing
together their vesper hymn--"Star of the Ee-e-e-vening!
Doub-ull-sheet-Star!"
Another peculiarity of Philadelphia is the way it utilizes its Fire
Department. Not long ago, a company of firemen, returning from a fire,
beheld a man trying to break into a house. The company immediately
comprehended that it was its duty to arrest that man. And so the Head
Man he blew his horn, and away they went, "apparatus" and all, after the
burglar, who had now taken to his heels. The bells rang, the men
shouted; and amid cries of "Sock her down, boys! Roll her, boys, roll
her! Hi! yi! yi!" the novel chase went on. But, as they could not
overtake the fleet-footed thief, a stream of water was played upon him,
but without stopping him. A hook-and-ladder company now coming up, an
effort was made to clap a ladder against the fugitive, but it could not
be done. And, after all, he escaped.
But to prevent too great an emigration of "the dangerous class" to
Philadelphia, it may be stated that that city does not rely entirely
upon its Fire Department to catch its thieves.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BLOOD-MONEY.
_Dr. Schenck._ "HOW IS UNCLE SAM'S INCOME PULSE?"
_Dr. Delano._ "VERY LOW. WE HAVE BLED HIM PRETTY FREELY, BUT MUST KEEP
BLEEDING HIM TO THE LAST DROP."]
* * * * *
LINES BY A HAPLESS SWAIN.
In ancient times, when suitors went to woo,
And heartless maids would send them hopeless back,
Lest the fond swains their courtship should renew,
The cruel belles would tender them the "sack."
And if one dared again renew the suit,
By ill success made desperate and bolder,
He fared still worse. From pa he gets a boot,
From her poor fellow!--only a cold shoulder.
Our modern usage in the Court of Love
Is, when the youth by some fair maid is smitten.
In token of his suit he sends a glove;
His suit rejected--she returns a "mitten."
Such is my hapless case, oh! cruel fair
Who sent this mitten--emblem of my fate;
But why the dickens didn't you send a pair--
For what's the use of one, without a mate?
* * * * *
PROPOSED MATCH.
The bull-frog weighing six pounds, recently captured at Bedford, Ind.
has been forwarded to the office of Punchinello, where it may now be
seen without charge. We have made arrangements with Mr. Gilmore, late of
the late Boston Coliseum, to put this fine artist through a regular
musical course, and he will appear in the orchestra at the New-York
Beethoven Festival, in a new overture entitled "The Music of the
Marshes." This piece will contain several obligato passages written
expressly for our Bull-Frog. After this, we shall challenge Mr. GEORGE
FRANCIS TRAIN to compete in public speaking with the Frog of
PUNCHINELLO, for a purse of $20,000--Mr. TRAIN to speak ten minutes
solo; the Frog to croak ten minutes; and then both to speak and croak in
duet also for ten minutes--the most sonorous performer to take the
money.
* * * * *
[Illustration: Punchinello Correspondence.]
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
_Maud Miller._--Move to Chicago and get a divorce. No doubt the Judge
would take the hint.
_Algernon Sw-nb--ne._--We are obliged to decline your contribution. The
verses are very pretty, but the morals of our paper must be preserved.
_U.S.G._--The expression, "The United States is at peace," is
ungrammatical, but you did perfectly right in writing to Punchinello
before believing it.
_Susan B. Anth-ny._--You are mistaken. DARWIN nowhere mentions any
process of natural selection by which a woman may in time become a man.
_Hon. Benj. Disraeli._--The expression, "I will put a head on you,"
which you say Prof. G-LDW-N SM-TH uses in a cable dispatch to you, is
merely a slang phrase which he has probably learned from his trainer.
_Payne Collier._--There is more than one Irishman in SHAKSPEARE. It
appears from the text of _Hamlet_ that he was on the most friendly terms
with the "melancholy Dane," from the familiar way in which the latter
addresses him:
_Ham._ "Now might I do it, PAT." _(Hamlet, Act III, Scene III.)_
It is impossible to say now whether the PAT in question was a Fenian or
not.
_Jack Ketch._--We think that listening to a debate in the House of
Representatives may fairly be considered the worst form of Capitol
punishment.
_Potter._--No, no. COLENSO was born in England. Though he was Bishop of
Natal, it was not his Natal place.
_Poetaster._--Was not HAFIZ a Persian poet.
_Answer._--Yes. Poor fellow! he spent HAFIZ life in making rhymes.
_J. F.--y._--Rumor says that Mr. W.B. OGDEN intends to defer commencing
to build the Central Underground Railroad until the new Court House is
finished.
* * * * *
WORDS AND THEIR ABUSES. Mr. THURLOW WEED, in an entertaining article in
the _Galaxy_ for May, sheds some long-desired light on the origin of the
term "governor," as employed by filial affection to denote the paternal
parent. On reading this, we were instantly reminded of a little bit of
historical philology which Mr. FROUDE has somehow strangely omitted to
chronicle in that portion of his delightful romance which is founded on
the life of ELIZABETH. This somewhat distinguished lady, in company with
Mrs. STOWE, GRACE DARLING, RALEIGH, Dr. FRANKLIN and others, was once
taking tea by special invitation in the back parlor at Kenilworth, when
the conversation turned on boating. RALEIGH, who, from his experience,
was quite at home on that topic, playfully wagered his best peaked ruff
that LEICESTER could not prevail on either of the ladies there present
to venture with him on the lake in his new ten-oared lap-streak wherry.
The Earl was roughly piqued by this taunt, being secretly proud of his
aquatic accomplishments, and, turning hastily to the Queen, he remarked:
"And yet the lady lives who ventures wheresoever I may lead."
"Prithee, brave Earl," interrupted the Queen, in high dudgeon, "will you
impart to us her name?"
An awkward pause ensued, when LEICESTER, fixing his aquiline eye
piercingly upon ELIZABETH'S face, replied, in a tone of the deepest
respect, "YOU, BET!"
This expression has ever since held its place as a maxim of polite
conversation.
* * * * *
An Irrational Proceeding
Sending Fenians to Canada without Rations.
* * * * *
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
[Illustration: 'W']
WATTS PHILLIPS has written a comprehensive drama, entitled NOT GUILTY,
and the managers of NIBLO'S GARDEN have produced it. Comprehensive is
the best word with which to describe it, since it comprehends an epitome
of English history at home and in the colonies during, a period of ten
years, together with observations on prison discipline, and the
recruiting system, interspersed with comic songs and jokes translated
from the Sanscrit. It is a complete guide in morals and manners for the
young soldier, the intelligent convict, and the aspiring thief. It is
well, it is as follows:
ACT I. _Curtain rises upon a_ RECRUITING SERGEANT _singing an
unintelligible song to an admiring group of recruits, consisting of six
girls with commendable ankles, and several supes of average
awkwardness. The song ended the recruits retire, and the_ SERGEANT _sits
down to drink with_ ROBERT ARNOLD, _a virtuous locksmith. Enter_ SILAS
GARRETT.
SILAS. "I will pretend to be drunk. There is no reason why I should, but
still it's a good bit of business." _Staggers and falls on_ ARNOLD.
ARNOLD. "Wretched being! He deserves nothing, and I will therefore give
him my last half-crown. Now, SERGEANT, I will enlist. Let us go and sing
more unintelligible songs." _They go. Enter_ MRS. ARMITAGE.
MRS. ARMITAGE. "I am starving. My child has eaten nothing for years. Oh,
sir, give me something!"
SILAS. "Not I. Go and work. Don't touch me; you look as if you had been
riding in a street car." _Rushes away as though pursued by the wicked
flea_.
MRS. ARMITAGE. "There is no hope. I will die." _Dies_.
_Enter_ ARNOLD. "Hallo. Do I see a woman? What is the matter, my
exhausted friend? Please come to life again!" (_She comes to life_.)
MRS. ARMITAGE. "Neither my child nor I have tasted food for vast and
incalculable periods. Help me."
ARNOLD. "I will." (_Helps her home, and rushes out to beg. He
successfully strikes a casual supe for five pounds, and remarks_)--"Now
she is saved. I will buy a doll for the child. They can make porridge of
the internal bran." _He goes for the doll, and_ SILAS _re-enters_.
SILAS. "Here are ARNOLD'S skeleton keys. I will steal them, and rob the
man in the opposite house." _Robs him and is pursued by the police_.
_Scene 2d_. MRS. ARMITAGE'S _garret. Enter that interesting and hungry
lady_.
MRS. ARMITAGE. "My child is dead; I will die too." (_Dies_.)
_Enter_ ARNOLD. "Here is a doll and other delicacies. Come to life again
and eat them." _They come to life and retire to the hall for feasting
and revelry. Enter_ SILAS.
SILAS. "The police are after me. There is not a moment to lose. I will
therefore stop for an hour and arrange things so as to ensure ARNOLD'S
arrest, and will then escape through the scuttle." (_He arranges things
and then scuttles away. Enter police, after ten minutes of preliminary
howling on the staircase, and discovering_ ARNOLD'S _skeleton keys,
arrest him.) Curtain_.
_Everybody in the audience_. "I don't begin to see into the plot yet,
but we shall in time."
ACT II. _Scene, the Quarries, with convicts at work_. They make
elaborate motions with picks at white rocks, and thus dig out
considerable black slate. SILAS has become a Warden, no one knows how.
The convicts sing and enjoy themselves, with the exception of ARNOLD,
who evidently finds prison life too gay and frivolous. Mrs. ARMITAGE,
who has become a fashionable lady--no one knows how-enters with a
procession of nice girls to watch the joyous prisoners. A COMIC CONVICT,
with a fine sense of the fun of the thing, proposes a mutiny. Convicts
all mutiny, and ARNOLD and his comic friend escape. They take refuge in
a busy highway, and the COMIC CONVICT sings comic songs in order to
prevent the police from approaching them. The police--having some little
musical taste, wisely keep at a distance. The two convicts rob a drunken
soldier of his uniform, and, disguised as officers, go to India. The
drunken soldier is arrested as an escaped convict and dragged to prison.
The entire population of Great Britain embark for India in a neat
pasteboard steamer. Exasperating drums beat until the audience becomes
too much confused to notice the astounding evolutions of the military.
After a few hours of this sort of thing some intelligent carpenter
mutinies and drops the curtain.
_Everybody in the audience_. "I don't begin to see into this plot yet,
but we shall in time."
ACT III.--_Scene, a garden in India_. The heroine who has been locked up
during the previous acts, by her aunt, escapes from a window by means of
a ladder. She displays much agility, but not a glimpse of ankle.
Consequent disappointment in the audience. Enter ARNOLD--now a
captain--who makes love to her. Enter COLONEL WILLOUGHBY, and at her
earnest request promises not to marry her. The rebellious Sepoys--who
are quite white--attack the GARIBALDI Guard of British Italians, who are
quite dark. Sudden arrival of SILAS, much out of breath through having
run all the way from England. WILLOUGHBY is killed, and SILAS, who looks
precisely like him, (as indeed he ought to, inasmuch as CHARLES WALCOT
plays both characters,) puts on his clothes--trousers excepted--and
takes command of the troops. A pitched battle with fire-crackers--which
are pitched promiscuously on the stage--takes place, with a pleasing
slaughter of the white-faced Sepoys. The drummers become obviously
frantic, and beat their drums as though they were beating the managers
out of a year's salary in advance. The single men of the audience,
deafened by the noise, and choked by the smoke, rush out of the theatre
for air. They return to find the curtain down, and the act ended.
_Everybody in the audience_. "I don't begin to see into the plot yet,
but we shall in time."
ACT IV.--_Scene_, COLONEL WILLOUGHBY'S _house in England. Enter_ COMIC
CONVICT _and two old pals_.
COMIC CONVICT. "I have found the Warden who used to cane us at the
Quarries. We will have him soon." _They hide behind a cabbage. Enter_
WILLOUGHBY _and_ ARNOLD.
ARNOLD. "You promised in India to let me marry the heroine."
WILLOUGHBY. "You lie, you villain, you lie."
ARNOLD, "My friend, you are sadly changed. Wait a moment, till everybody
comes in and forms a neat group, and I will explain myself." (_Everybody
comes in and forms group_.)
WILLOUGHBY, "You are a self-proclaimed liar. Proceed!"
ARNOLD. "You are not WILLOUGHBY. You are--"
COMIC CONVICT. "SILAS GARRETT, the man who stole the money which ARNOLD
was thought to have stolen. Police, do your duty." (_The police--not
being the real thing, but only supes in police uniform--do their duty
and arrest_ WILLOUGHBY.) _Somebody remarks that_ ARNOLD _is_ NOT GUILTY.
COMIC CONVICT _receives a full pardon, and a matrimonial mania seizes
upon everybody. About this time it occurs to the stage manager that the
play might as well end. Accordingly it ends_.
_Everybody in the Audience_. "I don't begin to see into the plot yet,
but if some one would explain why Mrs. ARMITAGE became a fashionable
lady with a fondness for looking at convicts; why SILAS became a Warden
and afterwards went to India; why ARNOLD passed himself off upon his
regiment as an officer, merely because he had stolen a private's
clothes; why everybody, whether free or in prison, dead or alive, went
to the Quarries, to India, and back again to WILLOUGHBY'S country-seat
with unfailing unanimity; why, in short, things were as WATTS PHILLIPS
assures us that they were, I might begin to have some idea of what the
play is about."
But then--the undersigned would respectfully ask--what would one gain by
understanding the play? He would find it noisy and tedious, even if it
were intelligible. The admirable acting of Messrs. OWEN FAWCETT and F.F.
MACKAY, in the slight and subordinate parts allotted to them, would
still be overshadowed by the melodramatic absurdity of Mr. WALCOT. Miss
IRENE GAY could not look prettier than she does, nor could Mrs. WALCOT
be more thoroughly pleasing; but the drums would be just as intolerable,
were the plot as plain as a strong-minded woman. And then, after all,
there are many reasons why WATTS PHILLIPS, when unintelligible, is
decidedly preferable to WATTS PHILLIPS when made plain to the weakest
intellect.
MATADOR.
* * * * *
WHITE LIES.
Most of the complimentary marble busts of departed heroes.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.
HEROES OF THE WAR
HE ROSE BY THE WAR.]
* * * * *
OUR PORTFOLIO.
A few days ago PUNCHINELLO had occasion to call upon that most puissant
chief of the tribe Tammany, known in the Indian vernacular as "Big Six."
P. had a disagreeable presentiment that his path to the throne of this
man's greatness would not be strewn with flowers. He had listened to the
melancholy experience of others who went before and came away not only
with blighted hopes, but soiled garments and abraded shins.
Nevertheless, PUNCHINELLO felt that, as it was his duty, he would not be
affrighted by the formidable character of the undertaking, but go and
judge of the difficulties in the way for himself. Accordingly he went.
Arriving within three hundred yards of the portal which conducted to the
charmed circle where "Big Six" held court, he was not astonished at the
spectacle of fourteen hundred Irishmen, twenty-seven Germans, and three
boys, all crowding, in no little confusion, to get a glimpse of the
space behind the door. The approach of PUNCHINELLO was announced by a
portly policeman with a round red nose and a black eye, who hung upon
the outskirts and occasionally cursed those Irishmen who seemed to
forget the proprieties of the place by making such remarks as--
"Arrah, PADDY O'NEILL, will ye jist keep aff me toes, or be gorrah I'll
giv' ye a clout in the shnoot."
"An' do ye take me for a fool, BARNEY RYAN, that I'd be afther lettin'
ye do the like o' that?"
"Moind yersilves there!" "Howld yer tongues!" "May the divil ate yez!
but the best of yez hashn't the manners of a pig!" Amid such pleasant
ebullitions of Celtic amiability, PUNCHINELLO succeeded in carving his
way to the door, when it suddenly opened, and a tall, lean, cadaverous
man, who looked like the ghost of some Fenian leader, bawled at the top
of his voice:
"Go an out o' this, all of yiz; Mr. TWADE won't see another of yiz this
blissid day."
It seemed as though the crowd had only been waiting for this signal; for
they gave one wild shout, and rushed through the open portal like a
pent-up stream breaking its dam.
PUNCHINELLO felt himself lifted from his feet and whirled along with the
current. Resistance was useless; but being in the van, he was the first
to alight upon the middle of a table covered with papers, before which
sat, in a large arm-chair, his eyes wide open with astonishment, and his
face red with anger, the great Chief of Tammany.
PUNCHINELLO immediately extricated himself from this ridiculous
situation by rolling on to the floor, with all the grace peculiar to
him. Then, instantly rising, he grasped "Big Six" by the hand,
exclaiming:
"Beg ten thousand pardons, sir, but it wasn't PUNCHINELLO'S motion that
he should be laid upon the table."
"No, be Jabers," ejaculated an excited member of the throng; "but it's
me, MOIKE FINNEY, that wud lay ye under it!"
"Will you hold your tongue!" shouted Big Six.
"I axes yer Honor's pardon, but be the sowl of me I couldn't help it,
with that 'ere spalpeen sprawlin' ferninst me there among yer Honor's
papers."
"Put these wretches out," said the Chief, with great dignity, to the
officers in attendance.
"Mr. TWADE! Mr. TWADE! an' I have Altherman MOONEY'S wurd for it that ye
had that job in the Parek fur me as shure as whiskey's whiskey, so I
have," screamed a voice, growing louder as the officers obeyed the
injunction of the Chief, and forced the crowd back.
"Och, murther! but I belave it's all a loi, now. I'll see MOONEY, so I
will."
Perhaps a hundred such appeals, all at the same time, and all with more
or less violence, were hurled at "Big Six," who grasped the back of his
chair with the supreme indifference of a man accustomed to such
experiences, and calmly surveyed the retreating horde until the last man
disappeared across the threshold, and the doors were once again closed.
"I shall never forget this sight, sir," said PUNCHINELLO. "It's too much
for good nature."
"Good nature!" exclaimed the Big Ingin, "why, my dear PUNCHINELLO, I
haven't got any of it left. If I had, these cormorants would take me by
violence every day in the week. No, no; good nature, indeed! We who sit
for the distribution of the public patronage want brazen faces and
cast-iron hearts. That's the only way a man can get along here, and if
PUNCHINELLO should ever be so miserable as to go through with what I do,
let him remember what I said about brazen faces and cast-iron hearts;"
and then "Big Six," locking his arm in that of PUNCHINELLO, walked out
of the office by a side door.
* * * * *
A MEDICAL MISS.
Miss MARY EDITH PECHEY, a surgical student of the Edinburgh University,
complains of one of the professors of that institution, a Dr. CRUM
BROWN. This crusty CRUM refuses to award her the HOPE scholarship, and
offers her instead a medal of bronze. Miss PECHEY very properly
characterizes this conduct as that of a brazen meddler who would deprive
her of hope. The quarrel is not yet ended, but it strikingly illustrates
the trouble a Crumb can give when it goes the wrong way.
* * * * *
KING CRAFT LOOKING UP.
Probably many of the present suffering monarchs of Europe, being of a
superstitious turn, and given to the pondering of portents, will be much
revived and stimulated by the news that an animal called "Kingcraft" has
won the Derby against fourteen horses with more republican names. What
astonishes Mr. PUNCHINELLO is, that a steed with such a name should be
reported as having "behaved beautifully throughout the race." With
Kingcraft he has not been accustomed to associate the beautiful, but, on
the other hand, quite the contrary and _vice-versâ_. Still, it must be
admitted that in these latter days, the craft of Kings has frequently
been demonstrated by their talent for running; and nobody can have
forgotten the remarkable time made on his leaving France, by the
fugitive LOUIS PHILLIPPE. When Monsieur L.N.B.'s turn comes he will find
it hard work to beat his predecessor.
* * * * *
CONDENSED CONGRESS.
Senate.
Senator MORTON was wrought up about the sufferings of the Jews in
Roumania. It might be said that it was none of his business, but he
begged to state that many of his constituents were Jews. Under these
circumstances he felt it to be the duty of his blood to boil over the
recital of the wrongs of the Jews in Roumania.
Mr. SUMNER was of the opinion that it was a gross outrage, as he also
had some Jewish constituents, but as they were not very numerous, the
shrewdness of the Massachusetts Christian being ordinarily an overmatch
for the shrewdness of the 'Ebrew Jew, his blood only simmered softly
over the intelligence. But he had an interest in the question of eternal
justice involved, and he was free to say that it was not correct to fry,
boil, or in any way cook a Jew as a Jew. Mr. SUMNER then sent to the
clerk's desk, and had read the statements of Shylock, which, he
observed, were written by the immortal SHAKSPEARE, relative to the
endowment of the Israelite with the usual limbs and features of other
members of society.
Mr. SPRAGUE mentioned that the Jews were persecuted because they were
rich. If the Senate were to allow this sort of thing to go on unrebuked,
the whole population of Rhode Island might say of their solvent Senator,
"Come, let us kill him, and the Pequashmeag Mills shall be ours." Let
the Senate think what an awful privation that would be.
This completely overcame the Senate, and it passed resolutions of
inquiry and indignation.
The Indian question came up, closely followed by THAYER, (of Nebraska,)
who observed that his constituents had the most rooted objection to
being scalped, and that they did not even contemplate with pleasure the
prospect of having their horses stolen or their habitations burned down.
These feelings were perhaps culpable, but certainly natural, and he
wished the Senate would consider them, if it had any sensibilities to
spare from the wrongs of the red man.
Mr. MORTON said that he remarked the proceedings of the children of the
forest rather in sorrow than in anger. The forefathers of his eminent
friends, Scalper of the Pale Face, Stealer of Horses, and Blinker at the
Inn, had possessed this continent, and he would not be willing to say
that they had not shown as much sense as the present Congress in
governing it. If the remembrance of their former glories occasionally
instigated them to impale babies and scalp women, we ought to remember
the beautiful hymn which begins, "Speak gently to the erring," and give
them whiskey and gunpowder, instead of treating them with harshness.
Mr. FERRY was informed that an American citizen had been imprisoned in
St. Domingo, and kept there at the suggestion of a United States
officer, for fear he should divulge matters prejudicial to the little
game for the annexation of that island.
Mr. CHANDLER said any man who objected to that proposition was a vile
scoundrel who ought to be imprisoned. If he had his way he would have
him hanged. The man who defended such a movement was no better than
himself. The annexation of St. Domingo would lead as to perfect bliss,
and the man who objected to it would murder his aged mother, or even
oppose going to war with Great Britain.
HOUSE.
Mr. SCHENCK remarked that his tariff bill had been beaten, but that he
would introduce another bill, which he did. The other bill is the same
bill, except that the duty on medullary sutures is reduced one cent per
million, and the duty on participial adjectives is increased one per
cent, _ad valorem_, which, as SCHENCK observed, would not bear heavily
upon Congressmen.
Mr. COVODE said this bill ought to be passed, because his colleague Mr.
WOODWARD, was in sympathy with the red-handed rebels who had tried to
displace him, Mr. COVODE.
Mr. WOODWARD wanted to know what COVODE was talking about.
The speaker called Mr. WOODWARD to order, upon the ground that it was
notorious that COVODE never talked about anything, and it was
unparliamentary and insulting for one member to interrupt another while
making a confidential communication to his constituents.
Mr. COVODE further remarked that the bill ought to be passed because all
the members who did not agree with him in his estimation of his
usefulness were opposed to it.
This affected the House to tears, and they passed the bill, SCHENCK and
KELLEY fell upon one another's neck and exchanged tokens of Ohio
pig-iron and Pennsylvania coal.
* * * * *
SONG OF THE MOSQUITO.
"Home again--home again--
From a foreign shore!
And oh, it fills my soul with joy,
To greet my friends once more."
[It does, indeed!]
I bring you no new song, my friends,
I wear no fancy clothes;
I know you love me for myself,
For I believe your oaths!
I feel I'm lovely! When I come
For once you're blest indeed.
I know I'm all in all to you;
For me you gladly bleed!
Oh, yes! I am a thing of joy!
My tones are passing sweet;
I thrill you with my melody
So simple, yet complete!
"Ah! there he is!" you softly cry,
And breathless watch my flight--
Unless, indeed, I have you there,
By coming in the night!
It is not every visitor
Who brings a band along!
Who celebrates his friendliness
In melody and song!
It is a graceful compliment,
Which I can well afford
To those who gladly welcome me--
And furnish all my board!
A serenade at dewy eve--
How grateful to the sense!
Who stays to calculate the cost--
The paltry recompense!
"What cheerful little sprite is this
That carols as he goes?"--
You'll learn, my pretty one! when I
Alight upon your nose!
I would not plead for robbery,
I would not use deceit;
And yet, 'tis plain to candid minds,
Philanthropists must eat!
I dare not taste the juicy grape;
But Nature bids me see
The blood that first was wine in you
May turn to wine in me!
'Tis but a tiny drop--a speck,--
One sip is all I've quaffed!
My plethoric old Wall street friend,
Was it an over draft?
Say rather that you took my stock
To "bear," as oft before,
And now are scratching round to raise
A margin for some more!
* * * * *
BOOK NOTICE.
THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE. New York: NELSON CHESMAN.
This is a very useful book of reference. In addition to biographical
sketches of certain shrewd men who know the value of advertising and of
being advertised--it contains an American Newspaper Rate Book, and an
American Newspaper Directory. The book is neatly and substantially got
up by G.P.
* * * * *
EXTRAORDINARY
BARGAINS!
Closing out Sales of
Ladies', Misses' and Children's Silk, Poplin,
Grenadine, Barege, Linen, Lawn,
Cambric and Pique
Plain and Braided Suits, Dresses,
ETC., ETC.,
Of PARIS & DOMESTIC MANUFACTURE.
Our customers and strangers are respectfully invited to
examine.
A. T. STEWART & CO.,
Broadway, 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Sts.
* * * * *
A. T. STEWART & CO.
HAVE MADE
A Large Reduction
In all the prices of
SILKS, DRESS GOODS,
_Ladies', Misses' and Children's_
READY MADE GARMENTS AND
UNDERWEAR,
_Of Every Description._
Millinery, Flowers, Feathers, &c., viz.:
HEAVY BLACK AND WHITE CHECK SILKS, Fresh
Goods, only $1.23 per yd., recently, $1.75
EXTRA HEAVY STRIPED, $1.50 and $1.75, recently $2
and 2.23.
A Job Lot of
JAPANESE POPLINS, at 50 cents per yard, value $1.
RICH FANCY POPLINS, at 65 cts. per yard, value $1.25.
A Large Line of
WASH POPLINS, BAREGES, &c., nice goods only, at
12-1-2 cts. per yard.
CHINE POPLINS, 3-4 yards wide, reduced to 25 cents.
WIDE MOHAIR LUSTRES, fine quality, choice seasonable
colors, only 40 Cents.
LADIES' LINEN SUITS, handsomely trimmed, $8 each
and upward.
VICTORIA LAWN SUITS, handsomely trimmed, $10
each and upward.
Boys' Ready-Made Clothing,
EMBROIDERIES, LACES, LLAMA LACE
SHAWLS AND SACQUES,
At Extremely Low Prices.
BROADWAY,
4th. Ave., 9th and 1Oth Sts.
* * * * *
A. T. STEWART & Co.
Have made LARGE ADDITIONS to their Stock of
5-FRAME ENGLISH BRUSSELS
At $2 per Yard.
And will offer a Superior Quality of
English Tapestry Brussels,
At $1.25 per Yard.
CROSSLEY'S EXTRA ENGLISH TAPESTRY
BRUSSELS, $1.50 per Yard.
_Axminsters, Moquettes, Royal Wiltons, Velvets,
Rugs, Mats, English and Domestic Oil-Cloths,
Cocoa and Canton Matting,
Etc., Etc.,_
AT EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE PRICES.
BROADWAY,
4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.
* * * * *
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[Illustration: A RAID ON THE SAXON.
_Fenian Head-Scenter_. "WILL I BE AFTHER CUTTIN' IT OFF CLOSE BEHIND
THE EARS?"
(_Small Briton thinks it is "all hup with 'im."_)]
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General JOB PRINTERS,
BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,
STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail,
LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,
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WALTER ROCHE,)
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* * * * *
SARATOGA "A" SPRING WATER.
A POSITIVE CURE FOR HEADACHE!--A GREAT
REMEDY FOR INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA.--
Keeps the blood cool and regulates the stomach. Persons subject to headache
can insure themselves freedom from this malady by drinking it liberally in
the morning before breakfast.
Sold by JOHN F. HENRY, at the U.S. Family Medical Depot, 8 College Place,
New-York.
* * * * *
PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to Oil
Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.
PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Flowers of Hope," "Flowers of Memory."
Illustrated catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp.
L. PRANG & CO., Boston.
* * * * *
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With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a
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PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK.
Presents to the public for approval, the new
ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
WEEKLY PAPER.
PUNCHINELLO,
The first number of which was issue under date of Apr 2.
PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humourous and witty without
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All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
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THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
The New Burlesque Serial,
Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,
By
ORPHEUS C. KERR,
Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year.
A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb
illustrations of
1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.
2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears
"Every Saturday." will also be found in this number.
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Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which
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We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes to
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P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York.
* * * * *
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