O THOU Especial Little God of Parliaments and Electors, with whom the
greater God of the Universe has nothing whatever to do!--I beseech Thee
to look upon me, Thy chosen servant, with a tolerant and favourable
Eye! Consider with Leniency the singular and capricious Chance which
has enabled me to become a Member of the Government, and grant me Thy
protection, so that my utter Incapacity for the Post may never be
discovered! Enable me, I implore Thee, to altogether dispense with
the assistance of a certain Journalist and Press-Reporter in the
composition of my Speeches! His Terms are high, and I am not sure of
his Discretion! Impart unto me by spiritual telegraphy such Knowledge
of the general Situation of Affairs that I may be able to furnish forth
an occasional Intelligent Remark to the farmers of this Constituency,
whose Loyalty to the Government is as firm as their Trust in the Power
of Beer! Give me the grace of such shallow Profundity and Pretension
as shall convince Rustic minds of my complete Superiority to them in
matters concerning their Interest and Welfare, and teach me to use
their Simplicity for the convenient furtherance of my own Cunning!
Fill me with such necessary and becoming Arrogance as shall make me
overbearingly insolent to Persons of Intellect, while yet retaining
that sleek Affability which shall cause me to appear a Fawning Flunkey
to Persons of Rank! Enable me to so condescendingly patronize the
Electors who gave me their majority that it shall seem I was returned
through merit only, and not through Bribes and Beer! And mercifully
defend me, O Beneficent little Deity, from all possibility of ever
being called upon to address the House! I am no speaker,--and even if I
were, I have no Ideas whereon to hang a fustian sentence! Thou Knowest,
All-Knowing-One, that I have not so much as an Opinion, save that it
is good for me, in respect of Social Advantage, to write M.P. after
my name! And surely Thou dost also know that I have paid Two Thousand
Pounds for the purchase of this small portion of the Alphabet, making
One Thousand Pounds per letter, which may humbly be submitted to Thee,
O Calculating Ruler of Parliamentary Elections, as somewhat dear! But
I have accepted these Conditions and paid the sum without murmuring;
therefore of Thy goodness, be pleased to spare me from the utterance
of even one word in the presence of my peers, concerning any Matter
for the Advancement of Which I have been elected! For lo,--if I said
as much as “Yea,” it might be ill-advised; and yet again, if I said
“Nay,” it might be ill-timed! Inasmuch as I am compelled to rely on the
Journalist and Press-Reporter before mentioned for whatsoever knowledge
of matters political I possess, and it is just possible that he
might,--through an extra dose of whisky-soda,--mislead me by erroneous
information! O Lord of Press-Agencies and Grub-Street Eating-Houses,
if it be possible unto Thee, relieve me of this Man! He charges more,
so I am credibly informed, per Hundred Words than any other Inventor
of Original Eloquence in the pay of the Unlettered and Inarticulate of
the House! And it is much to be feared that he does not always keep
his own Counsel! Wherefore, gracious Deity, I would be Released with
all convenient Speed from the Exercise of his Power! Rather than be
constantly compelled to rely upon this Journalistic Wretch for Advice
and Instruction, it will more conduce to my Comfort,--though possibly
to my Fatigue,--to commit to Memory such portions of long-forgotten
speeches spoken by Defunct Members of the House in the Past, as may
be found suitable to the present needs of the Rural Population.
The Corn-growing and Cattle-breeding Electors will not know from
what Sources I derive my Inspiration, and the Editor of the Local
Newspaper has not yet taken a degree in Scholarship. Moreover, the
Dead are happily unable to send in any Claim for Damages against the
Theft of their Ideas, which are as free to Independent Pilferers as
the Original Plots of New and Successful Romances are free to the
Dramatizing Robbers in the Stage-Purlieus, thanks to the Admirable
Attitude of Dignified Indolence assumed by that Government to which I,
one Fool out of Many, have the honour to belong! Finally, O Beneficent
Lilliputian Deity which governeth matters Parliamentary,--grant me such
a sufficient amount of highly-respectable Mendacity as shall enable me
to pass successfully for what I am not, at least, so far as Society in
the Country is concerned! Fully aware am I, O Lord, that a Simulation
of Ability will not always meet with approval in Town, though it has
been occasionally known to do so! Therefore I am well content to sit
in the House as one MUM, thus representing through myself an inaudible
County! But in the County itself it shall seem to the Uninitiated that
my thoughts are too deep for speech, while I retain in my own mind the
knowledge of the Fact that my Humbug is too great for Expression!
To Thee, gentle yet capricious Deity, I commend all my Desires,
praying Thee to keep the people whom I represent as Dumb and Inert as
myself in matters concerning their own Welfare, for if they should
chance to consider the Situation by the light of Common Sense,
and me by the shrewd Appreciation of a Native Wit, it might occur
to them to prefer a Man rather than a Wooden-headed Nonentity to
Proclaim their Existence to the King’s faithful Commons! Wherefore,
at the next General Election I should lose my Seat,--which would
be Disagreeable to me personally, as well as a Cause of Rage in my
Wife, to whom my present Condition of a Parliamentary Microbe is
much more important and advantageous than it is to the Country! And
Thou knowest, O Lord, that when my Wife is moved by the Impetuous
Persuasion of a difficult Temper, it is necessary for me, by reason
of her Superior Height, Size, and Aggressiveness, to retire from the
domestic Fighting-ground, considerably worsted in the unequal Combat.
Protect me, merciful Deity, from her Tongue!--which is as a Sword to
slay all thoughts of Peace! And, concerning the accursèd ubiquitous
Journalist-Reporter-Paragraphist-Correspondent-Attached-to-all-Newspapers
Man, who, for my sins, wrote my “speech to the Electors” at a high
charge, and agreed,--and therefore expects, to write all my other
public utterances on the same terms, I beseech Thee, when he next waits
upon me with his Bill, ready to Counsel or to Command, grant me the
Strength and Courage to tell a more barefaced Lie than is habitual to
me, and to boldly say that I can do Without him!
Amen.