MISS NEVILLE. O lud! he has almost cracked my head.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and
behave so!
TONY. If I’m a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I’ll not be made a
fool of no longer.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I’m to get for the
pains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in your
cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that
waistcoat to make you genteel? Did not I prescribe for you every day,
and weep while the receipt was operating?
TONY. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dosing me ever
since I was born. I have gone through every receipt in the Complete
Huswife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me through
Quincy next spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I’ll not be made a fool of
no longer.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Wasn’t it all for your good, viper? Wasn’t it all
for your good?
TONY. I wish you’d let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this way
when I’m in spirits. If I’m to have any good, let it come of itself;
not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. That’s false; I never see you when you’re in
spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I’m never
to be delighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster!
TONY. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was ever the like? But I see he wants to break my
heart, I see he does.
HASTINGS. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a
little. I’m certain I can persuade him to his duty.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. You
see, Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation: was ever poor
woman so plagued with a dear sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy?
[Exeunt MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE.]
TONY. (Singing.) “There was a young man riding by, and fain would
have his will. Rang do didlo dee.”----Don’t mind her. Let her cry.
It’s the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a
book for an hour together; and they said they liked the book the better
the more it made them cry.
HASTINGS. Then you’re no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty
young gentleman?
TONY. That’s as I find ’um.
HASTINGS. Not to her of your mother’s choosing, I dare answer? And
yet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl.
TONY. That’s because you don’t know her as well as I. Ecod! I know
every inch about her; and there’s not a more bitter cantankerous toad
in all Christendom.
HASTINGS. (Aside.) Pretty encouragement this for a lover!
TONY. I have seen her since the height of that. She has as many
tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt the first day’s breaking.
HASTINGS. To me she appears sensible and silent.
TONY. Ay, before company. But when she’s with her playmate, she’s as
loud as a hog in a gate.
HASTINGS. But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me.
TONY. Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you’re
flung in a ditch.
HASTINGS. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty.--Yes, you must
allow her some beauty.
TONY. Bandbox! She’s all a made-up thing, mun. Ah! could you but see
Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she
has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit
cushion. She’d make two of she.
HASTINGS. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter
bargain off your hands?
TONY. Anon.
HASTINGS. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave
you to happiness and your dear Betsy?
TONY. Ay; but where is there such a friend, for who would take her?
HASTINGS. I am he. If you but assist me, I’ll engage to whip her off
to France, and you shall never hear more of her.
TONY. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop of my blood. I’ll
clap a pair of horses to your chaise that shall trundle you off in a
twinkling, and may he get you a part of her fortin beside, in jewels,
that you little dream of.
HASTINGS. My dear ’squire, this looks like a lad of spirit.
TONY. Come along, then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you
have done with me.
(Singing.)
“We are the boys
That fears no noise
Where the thundering cannons roar.” [Exeunt.]