Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain
With grammar, and nonsense, and learning,
Good liquor, I stoutly maintain,
Gives GENUS a better discerning.
Let them brag of their heathenish gods,
Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians,
Their Quis, and their Quaes, and their Quods,
They’re all but a parcel of Pigeons.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.
When methodist preachers come down,
A-preaching that drinking is sinful,
I’ll wager the rascals a crown,
They always preach best with a skinful.
But when you come down with your pence,
For a slice of their scurvy religion,
I’ll leave it to all men of sense,
But you, my good friend, are the Pigeon.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.
Then come, put the jorum about,
And let us be merry and clever,
Our hearts and our liquors are stout,
Here’s the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever.
Let some cry up woodcock or hare,
Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons;
But of all the GAY birds in the air,
Here’s a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.
OMNES. Bravo, bravo!
FIRST FELLOW. The ’squire has got spunk in him.
SECOND FELLOW. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives us
nothing that’s low.
THIRD FELLOW. O damn anything that’s low, I cannot bear it.
FOURTH FELLOW. The genteel thing is the genteel thing any time: if so
be that a gentleman bees in a concatenation accordingly.
THIRD FELLOW. I likes the maxum of it, Master Muggins. What, though I
am obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that.
May this be my poison, if my bear ever dances but to the very
genteelest of tunes; “Water Parted,” or “The minuet in Ariadne.”
SECOND FELLOW. What a pity it is the ’squire is not come to his own.
It would be well for all the publicans within ten miles round of him.
TONY. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang. I’d then show what it was
to keep choice of company.
SECOND FELLOW. O he takes after his own father for that. To be sure
old ’Squire Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on.
For winding the straight horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or a
wench, he never had his fellow. It was a saying in the place, that he
kept the best horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole county.
TONY. Ecod, and when I’m of age, I’ll be no bastard, I promise you. I
have been thinking of Bet Bouncer and the miller’s grey mare to begin
with. But come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay no
reckoning. Well, Stingo, what’s the matter?
Enter Landlord.
LANDLORD. There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise at the door. They
have lost their way upo’ the forest; and they are talking something
about Mr. Hardcastle.
TONY. As sure as can be, one of them must be the gentleman that’s
coming down to court my sister. Do they seem to be Londoners?
LANDLORD. I believe they may. They look woundily like Frenchmen.
TONY. Then desire them to step this way, and I’ll set them right in a
twinkling. (Exit Landlord.) Gentlemen, as they mayn’t be good enough
company for you, step down for a moment, and I’ll be with you in the
squeezing of a lemon. [Exeunt mob.]
TONY. (solus). Father-in-law has been calling me whelp and hound this
half year. Now, if I pleased, I could be so revenged upon the old
grumbletonian. But then I’m afraid--afraid of what? I shall soon be
worth fifteen hundred a year, and let him frighten me out of THAT if he
can.
Enter Landlord, conducting MARLOW and HASTINGS.
MARLOW. What a tedious uncomfortable day have we had of it! We were
told it was but forty miles across the country, and we have come above
threescore.
HASTINGS. And all, Marlow, from that unaccountable reserve of yours,
that would not let us inquire more frequently on the way.
MARLOW. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay myself under an
obligation to every one I meet, and often stand the chance of an
unmannerly answer.
HASTINGS. At present, however, we are not likely to receive any
answer.
TONY. No offence, gentlemen. But I’m told you have been inquiring for
one Mr. Hardcastle in these parts. Do you know what part of the
country you are in?
HASTINGS. Not in the least, sir, but should thank you for
information.
TONY. Nor the way you came?