MRS. TRAPES UPON THE MILLENNIUM
Mulligan's was in a ferment. Bare-armed women talked in every doorway;
they talked from open windows, they talked leaning over banisters, they
congregated on landings and in passageways--but everywhere they talked;
while men and youths newly returned from work, lunch-can and basket in
hand, listened in wide-eyed astonishment, shook incredulous heads,
puffed thoughtfully at pipes or cigarettes, and questioned in guttural
wonderment.
But Ravenslee, lost in his own happy thoughts, sped up the stairs all
unheeding, abstractedly returning such neighbourly salutes as he
happened to notice; reaching his lofty habitation in due course he let
himself in, and was in the act of filling his pipe when Mrs. Trapes
appeared. In one hand she grasped a meat skewer and in the other an open
testament, and it was to be noted that her bright eyes, usually so keen
and steady, roved here and there, from pink rug to green and yellow
tablecloth, thence to the parrot-owl, and at last to her lodger. Finally
she spoke.
"Mr. Geoffrey, are ye saved?" she demanded in awe-struck tones.
"Why, really, Mrs. Trapes, I--"
"Because, Mr. Geoffrey, this day it behooveth us all t' think of our
souls an' th' hereafter, I reckon."
"Souls?" said Ravenslee, staring in his turn.
"Fire," she continued, shaking portentous head, "fire I'm prepared for;
a earthquake I could endoor; battle, murder, and sudden death I could
abide; poverty is me lot, Mr. Geoffrey, an' hardship is me portion, an'
for all sich am I dooly prepared, sich things bein' nacheral; but fer
this--well, there!"
"What is the matter, Mrs. Trapes?"
"Matter, Mr. Geoffrey? Well, the millenyum's at hand, that's all--the
lion is about t' lay down with th' lamb, tigers has lost their taste fer
blood, an' snakes an' serpints has shed their vennymous fangs! Mr.
Geoffrey--the day is at hand--beware!"
"What in the world--" began Ravenslee, but Mrs. Trapes stayed him with
uplifted skewer, and drew from the mysterious recesses of her apron a
folded circular which she proceeded to spread open and from which she
read in a hollow voice as follows:
NOTICE AUGUST 1, 1910.
On and after the above date, all tenants soever residing within the
tenement house known as Mulligan's are warned that all rents will be
reduced by fifty per cent.
BY ORDER.
"Now what," said Mrs. Trapes, refolding the circular very reverently and
shutting it into the testament, "jest what d'ye think o' that?"
"Quite a--er--remarkable document, Mrs. Trapes!"
"Remarkable?" snorted Mrs. Trapes.
"Yes," said Ravenslee, beginning to fill his pipe, "extraordinary, most
extraordinary--er--very much so--"
"Extraordinary? Mr. Geoffrey, is that all you got t' say about it?" And
Mrs. Trapes sniffed loudly.
"Well, what more should I say?"
"Why, ain't it th' wonder o' th' whole round world? Ain't it th'
merrycle of all time?"
"Certainly! Not a doubt of it!" he agreed. "By the way, what do you
happen to have for supper? You see I've been--"
"Supper?"
"I'm quite hungry--I'm always hungry lately and--"
"Hungry!" ejaculated Mrs. Trapes, rolling her eyes, "here I tell him
of wonders an' omens beyond pore huming understanding an'--he's hungry!
Lord, ain't that jest like a man! A man's soul, if a man has a soul,
lays in his stummick. Hungry! But you shall be fed--prompt, Mr.
Geoffrey. How'll b'iled salmon an' peas soot?"
"Splendidly! And I think--"
"'On and after,'" said Mrs. Trapes, slowly and dreamily, "'on and after
the above date, all tenants soever residin'--I've learned it by heart,
Mr. Geoffrey. Then it goes on to say, 'within the tennyment house known
as Mulligan's are warned'--hum! I wonder why 'warned'?--'are warned that
all rents will be re-dooced by fifty per cent!' Fifty per cent!" she
repeated in a dreamy rapture, "which is jest half, y' see. An', Mr.
Geoffrey, that's jest what's got me plumb scared--it's all so
unnacheral. I've heard o' rents bein' rose--constant, but who ever
heard of 'em bein' took down before? Well, well! My land! Well, well!"
With which remark Mrs. Trapes went about her household duties, leaving
Ravenslee to lounge and smoke and dream blissfully of Hermione.
"Y' see," said Mrs. Trapes, wandering in with a plate, "it'll make
things s' much easier for all of us; we shall begin t' feel almost
rich--some of us. 'Are warned that all rents will be re-dooced by fifty
per cent.' Well, well!" and she wandered out again.
But presently she was back once more, this time with the tablecloth,
which she proceeded to spread, though still lost in dreamy abstraction.
"At first I couldn't an' I wouldn't believe it, Mr. Geoffrey--no, sir!"
she continued in the same rapt voice. "But every one's got a notice same
as mine, so I guess it must be true--don't ye think?"
"Not a doubt of it!" answered Ravenslee.
"But th' burnin' question as I asks myself is--who? It's signed 'By
Order', y' see, well--whose? One sure thing, it ain't Mulligan."
"But he owns the place, doesn't he?"
"He did, Mr. Geoffrey, an' that's what worries me--continual. What I
demands is--who now?"
"Echo, Mrs. Trapes, methinks doth answer 'Who?' By the way, it
was--er--salmon and green peas I think you--"
"My land, that bit o' salmon'll bile itself t' rags!" and incontinent
she vanished.
However, in due time Ravenslee sat down to as tasty a supper as might be
and did ample justice to it, while Mrs. Trapes once more read aloud for
his edification from the wondrous circular, and was again propounding
the vexed and burning question of "who" when she was interrupted by a
knocking without, and going to the door, presently returned with little
Mrs. Bowker, in whose tired eyes shone an unusual light, and whose faded
voice held a strange note of gladness.
"Good evenin', Mr. Geoffrey!" said she, bobbing him a curtsey as he rose
to greet her, "my Hazel sends you her love an' a kiss for them last
candies--an' thank ye for all th' medicine--but oh, Mr. Geoffrey, an'
you, Ann Trapes, you'll never guess what's brought me. I've come t' wish
ye good-by, we're--oh, Ann, we're goin' at last!"
"Goin'!" exclaimed Mrs. Trapes, clutching at her elbows, "y' never mean
as you're leavin' Mulligan's now the rent's been took down--re-dooced
fifty per cent.--by order?"
"That's just what I'm tellin' ye--oh, Ann, ain't it just--heavenly!"
"Heavenly!" repeated Mrs. Trapes, and sank into a chair.
"Yes, heavenly t' see th' trees an' flowers again--t' live among them,
Ann."
"Samanthy Bowker--what do you mean?"
"Why, Ann, my Tom's had a gardener's job offered him at a gentleman's
mansion in the country. Tom went after it t'day--an' got it. Fifteen
dollars a week an' a cottage--free, Ann! Hazel's just crazy with
joy--an' so'm I!"
Mrs. Trapes fanned herself feebly with her apron.
"All I can say is," said she faintly, "if the world don't come to an end
soon--I shall. A gardener's job! A cottage in th' country! Why, that's
what you've been hungerin' for, you an' Bowker, ever since I've known
ye. And to-day--it's come! An' to-day the rent's re-dooced itself fifty
per cent. by order--oh, dear land o' my fathers! When d' ye go?"
"T'morrow mornin', Ann. Hazel'll sure grow a strong, well girl in th'
country--doctor said so last week--you heard him, Mr. Geoffrey, didn't
you?"
"I did, Mrs. Bowker."
"And my Tom's that excited he couldn't eat no supper--oh, an' have ye
seen in t'night's paper, Ann, about Mulligan's?"
"No--what now?" enquired Mrs. Trapes, as though on the verge of
collapsing.
"Well, read that--right there!" and unfolding an evening paper, Mrs.
Bowker pointed to a paragraph tucked away into a corner, and, drawing a
deep breath, Mrs. Trapes read aloud as follows:
It is understood that Geoffrey Ravenslee, the well-known sportsman and
millionaire, winner of last year's International Automobile race and
holder of the world's long-distance speed record, has lately paid a
record price in a real estate deal. A certain tenement building off Tenth
Avenue has been purchased by him, the cost of which, it is rumoured, was
fabulous.
"Fab'lous!" repeated Mrs. Trapes, and sniffed. "Well, I never had
no use fer millionaires, anyway--they're generally fools or rogues--this
one's a fool sure--any one is as would give much fer a place like
Mulligan's--an' yet, come t' think of it again--'are warned as all rents
will be re-dooced fifty per cent. by order'--yes, come t' think of it
again, what I say is--God bless this millionaire, an' whatever he is,
Ann Angelina Trapes is sure goin' t' mention him before th' Throne this
night."