But it was something like this: that in a Christian man there are two
hearts, of which the one, which is from God, does not sin at all; and
the other, which is the evil heart born in us, is always committing
sin."
"But, Margot, which of thy two hearts is thyself?"
"Ha! I cannot answer such questions. The good God will know."
"But art thou sure those are not wicked people?"
"Certainly, no. Monseigneur Saint Paul said 'I' and 'me' all through."
"Oh, but, Margot!--he could not have meant himself."
"If he had not meant what he said, I should think he would have
mentioned it," said Marguerite in her dry, quaint style.
"Well, a holy Apostle is different, of course," said I. "But it looks
very odd to me, that anybody living now should fancy he never does
wrong."
"Ah, the poor soul!" said Marguerite. "The good God knows better, if he
do not."
*CHAPTER VIII.*
_*AS GOOD AS MOST PEOPLE*_*.*
The best way to see Divine light is to put out your own candle.
This morning the Lady Princess of Antioch visited the Lady Queen, and
remained for the day, taking her departure only just before the gates
were closed, for she preferred to camp out at night. She is quite
young, and is a niece of the Lady Queen. After she was gone, we were
talking about her in the bower, and from her we came to speak of the
late Princess, her lord's mother.
"Pray do not talk of her!" said Lady Isabel. "She made herself a
bye-word by her shameless behaviour."
"Only thoughtless," remonstrated Lady Sybil gently. "I never thought
she deserved what was said of her."
"Oh no!--you never think anybody does," sneered her sister. "I could
not have associated with such a woman. She must have known what was
said of her. I wonder that she was brazen enough to show herself in
public at all."
"But think, Isabel! I do not believe she did know. You know she was
not at all clever."
"She was half-witted, or not much better," was the answer. "Oh yes, I
know that. But she must have known."
"I do not think she did!" said Lady Sybil earnestly.
"Then she ought to have known!" sharply replied Lady Isabel. "I wonder
they did not shut her up. She was a pest to society."
"O Isabel!" deprecated her sister. "She was very good-natured."
"Sybil, I never saw any one like you! You would have found a good word
for Judas Iscariot."
"Hardly," said Lady Sybil, just as gently as before. "But perhaps I
might have helped finding evil ones."
"There are pearl-gatherers and dirt-gatherers," quietly remarked Lady
Judith, who had hitherto listened in silence. "The latter have by far
the larger cargo, but the handful of the former outweighs it in value."
"What do you mean, holy Mother?" inquired Lady Isabel, turning quickly
to her--rather too sharply, I thought, to be altogether respectful.
"Only 'let her that thinketh she standeth, take heed lest she fall,'"
said Lady Judith, with a quiet smile.
"I?" said Lady Isabel, with a world of meaning in her tone.
"My child," was the reply, "they that undertake to censure the cleanness
of their neighbours' robes, should be very careful to avoid any spot on
the purity of their own. Dost thou not remember our Lord's saying about
the mote and the beam?"
"Well," said Lady Isabel, bringing her scissors together with a good
deal of snap, "I think that those who associate with such people as the
Princess Constantia bring a reflection on their own characters. Snow and
soot do not go well together."
"The soot defiles the snow," responded Lady Judith. "But it does not
affect the sunbeam."
"I do not understand you," said Lady Isabel bluntly.
"Those who confide in their own strength and goodness, Isabel, are like
the snow,--very fair, until sullied; but liable to be sullied by the
least speck. But those who take hold of God's strength, which is Christ
our Lord, are the sunbeam, a heavenly emanation which cannot be sullied.
Art thou the snow, or the sunbeam, my child?"
"Oh dear! I cannot deal with tropes and figures, in that style,"
answered she, rising. "And my work is finished; I am going now."
I fancied she did not look very sorry for it.
Great events are happening. The Lord King, finding his malady grows
rather worse than better, has resolved to abdicate, in favour of his
nephew, Lady Sybil's baby son. So to-morrow Beaudouin V. is to be
proclaimed throughout the Holy City, and on the Day of Saint Edmund the
King,[#] he will be crowned in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. They
say the Lord King was a very wise man before he became a mesel; and he
will still give counsel when needed, the young King being but three
years old.
[#] Nov. 20.
I do not quite see what difference the abdication will make. Guy must
still remain Regent for several years, and the only change is that he
will govern for his step-son instead of his brother-in-law. And I feel a
little jealous that Lady Sybil should be passed by. She, not her son,
is the next heir of the crown. Why must she be the subject of her own
child, who ought to be hers? I really feel vexed about it; and so does
Guy, I am sure, though he says nothing--at least to me. As to Lady
Sybil herself, she is so meek and gentle, that if a beggar in the street
were put over her head, I believe she would kneel to do her homage
without a cloud on her sweet face.
However, I felt at liberty to say what I thought to Amaury, though I
seldom do it without being annoyed by his answer. And certainly I was
now.
"She! She's a woman," said Messire Amaury. "What does a woman know
about governing?"
"What does a baby know?" said I.
"Oh, but he will be a man some day," answered Amaury.
"But Guy will govern in either case," I replied, trying not to be angry
with him.
He is so silly, and he thinks himself so supremely wise! I do believe,
the more foolish people are, the wiser they think themselves.
"Ha!" said he. "Saving your presence, Damoiselle Elaine, I am not so
sure that Guy knows much about it."
"Amaury, thou art an idiot!" cried I, quite unable to bear any longer.
"I believe thou hast told me that before," he returned with provoking
coolness.
I dashed away, for I knew I might as well talk to Damoiselle Melisende's
pet weasel.
I do not like the Count of Tripoli. The more I see of him, the less I
like him. And I do not like his fawning professions of friendship for
Guy. Guy does not see through it a bit. I believe he only means to use
Guy as a ladder by which to climb himself, and as soon as he is at the
top, he will kick the ladder down behind him.
Did I not say that Amaury was an idiot? And is it not true? Here is
our sister Eschine the mother of a pretty little baby, and instead of
being thankful that Eschine and the infant are doing well, there goes
Amaury growling and grumbling about the house because his child is a
girl. Nay, he does more, for he snarls at Eschine, as if it were her
fault, poor thing!
"She knows I wanted a boy!" he said this morning.
Men are such selfish simpletons!
To see how coolly Eschine takes it is the strangest thing of all.
"I was afraid he would be disappointed," she said calmly. "You see, men
don't think much of girls."
"Men are all donkeys," said I, "and Amaury deserves to be king of the
donkeys."
Eschine seemed to think that very funny.
"Come, Elaine, I cannot let thee say that of my lord, and sit silent.
And I think Messire Homfroy de Tours quite as well qualified for the
position."
"Ah," said I, "but Lady Isabel keeps her curb much tighter than thou. I
really feel almost sorry for him sometimes, when she treats him like a
baby before all the world."
"She may do that once too often," said Eschine.
Amaury means to call the baby Heloise--for a reason which would never
have occurred to any one but himself--because we have not had that name
in the family before. And Eschine smilingly accepts it, as I believe
she would Nebuchadnezzar if he ordered her.
To-day the little King was crowned in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre,
at noon; and in the evening the Damoiselle Heloise de Lusignan was
baptized into the Fold of Christ. The King was very good: I think he
inherits much of his mother's sweet disposition. I cannot say as much
for my small niece, for she cried with all her heart when the holy
Patriarch took her in his arms; and he said it showed that Satan must
have taken strong possession of her, and was very hard to dislodge. But
no sooner had the holy cross been signed on her, and the holy Patriarch
gave her back into the arms of her nurse, than, by the power of our
Lord, she was quite another creature, and did not utter a single cry.
So wonderful and effectual a thing is the grace of holy baptism!
"Much effect it took on thee, then," growled Amaury, to whom I said
this; "for thou didst wait until the water touched thy face, and then
didst set up such screams as never were heard from mortal babe before."
"What dost thou know about it?" said I.
"Ha! Don't I?" answered he provokingly.
I have been amused to hear the different ideas of various people, when
they first see the baby. The Lady Queen stroked its little face, and
said pitifully--"Ah, poor little child, thou art come into a
disagreeable world!" Lady Judith took it in her arms, and after rocking
it a little, she said--"What possibilities lie hidden here!" Lady Sybil
said--"Little darling! what a treasure thou art!" Lady Isabel's comment
(for which I shall never forgive her) was--"What an ugly little
spectacle! Are young babies no prettier?" Damoiselle Melisende danced
it up and down, and sang it a lively nursery song. Guy (like a man)
said, with an amused look, "Well! that is a funny little article.
Heloise?--that means 'hidden wisdom,' does it not? Very much hidden
just now, I should think." Amaury (that stupid piece of
goods!)--"Wretched little creature! Do keep it from crying!" And
lastly, old Marguerite came to see her nursling's nursling's nursling.
I wondered what she would say. She took it in her arms, and looked at
it for some time without speaking. And then she said softly--
"Little child! He that was once a little Child, bless thee! And may He
give thee what He sees best. That will most likely be something
different from what we see."
"O Marguerite!" said I. "That may be an early death."
"That would be the best of all, my Damoiselle.[#] Ah! the eyes of a
noble maiden of seventeen years see not so far as the eyes of a villein
woman of seventy. There are good things in this world--I do not deny
it. But the best thing is surely to be safe above this world,--safe
with the good Lord."
[#] It would have been well for Heloise, who bears a spotted reputation
in history.
"I do not want to lose my baby, Margot," said Eschine, with a rather sad
smile.
"Ah no, Dame, _you_ do not," replied Marguerite, answering the smile
with a brighter one. "But if the good Lord should call her, it is best
to let her rise and go to Him."
Again we hear something more of those strange rumours, as though the
people were not content under Guy's government. But what does it
signify? They are only villeins. Yet villeins can insult nobles, no
doubt. Sister Eudoxia (who was here again yesterday) says they actually
talk of a petition to the King, to entreat him to displace Guy, and set
some one else in his stead. The thought of their presuming to have an
idea on the question! As if _they_ could understand anything about
government! Discontented under Guy! my Guy! They are nothing better
than rebels. They ought to be put down, and kept down.
The Lady Queen has received a letter from her kindred at Byzantium, from
which she hears that the young Byzantine Caesar, who is but a child, has
been wedded to a daughter of the Lord King of France. Dame Agnes is her
name, and she is but eight years old.
I wonder if it is very, very wicked to hate people? Old Marguerite will
have it that it is just as bad as murder, and that the holy Evangel says
so. I am sure she must have listened wrong. For I do hate Count
Raymond of Tripoli. And I can't help it. I must and will hate him. He
has won Guy's ear completely, and Guy sees through his eyes. I cannot
bear him, the fawning, handsome scoundrel--I am sure he is one! They
say, too, that he is not over good to his wife, for I am sorry to say he
has a wife; I pity her, poor creature!
Lady Judith asked me, when I repeated this, who "they" were.
"I do not know, holy Mother," said I; "every body, I suppose."
"I would not put too much faith in 'them,' Helena," she said. "'They'
often say a great deal that is not true."
"But one must attend to it, holy Mother!" I answered.
"Why?" replied she.
"Oh, because it would never do!"
"What would never do?"
"To despise the opinion of society."
"Why?" she gently persisted.
Really, I found it rather difficult to say why.
"Methinks, Helena, I have seen thee despise the opinion of society, when
it contradicted thy will. Is it not more reasonable to despise it, when
it contradicts God's will?"
"Holy Mother, I pray you, tell me--is that the world?" said I. "Because
my nurse, old Marguerite, says, that Monseigneur Saint John bade us
beware of the world, and the flesh, as well as the Devil: and I am not
quite sure what it means, except that the world is other people, and the
flesh is me. But how can I be inimical to my own salvation?"
"My child," said Lady Judith gently, "when some duty is brought to thy
remembrance, is there nothing within thee which feels as if it rose up,
and said, 'Oh, but I do not want to do that!'--never, Helena?"
"Oh yes! very often," said I.
"That is the flesh," said she. "And 'they that are of Christ the flesh
have crucified, with its passions and its lusts.'"
"Oh dear!" I exclaimed, almost involuntarily.
"Very unpleasant, is it not?" said Lady Judith, smiling. "Ah, dear
child, the flesh takes long in dying. Crucifixion is a very slow
process; and a very painful process. They that are not willing to
'endure hardness' had better not enlist in the army of Jesus Christ."
"Ah, that is what I always thought," said I; "religious persons cannot
be very happy. Of course, it would not be right for them; they wait
till the next world. And yet--old Marguerite always seems happy. I do
not quite understand it."
"Child!" Lady Judith dropped her broidering, and the deep, sweet grey
eyes looked earnestly into mine. "What dost thou know of happiness?
Helena, following Christ is not a hardship; it is a luxury. The
happiness--or rather the mirth--of this world is often incompatible with
it; but it is because the one is so far above the other that it
extinguishes it, as the light of the sun extinguishes the lamp. Yet who
would prefer the lamp before the sunlight? Tell me, Helena, hast thou
any wish to go to Heaven?"
"Certainly, holy Mother."
"And what dost thou expect to find there? I should be glad to know."
I could hardly tell where to begin.
"Well," I said, after a moment's thought, "I expect to fly, and to enjoy
myself intensely; and never to have another pain, nor shed a tear; and
to see all whom I love, and be always with them, and love them and be
loved by them for ever and ever. And there will be all manner of
delights and pleasures. I cannot think of anything else."
"And that is thy Heaven?" said Lady Judith, with a smile in which I
thought the chief ingredient was tender compassion, though I could not
see why. "Ah, child, it would be no Heaven at all to me. Verily, 'as a
man thinketh in his heart, so is he.' Pleasure, and ease, and earthly
love--these are thy treasures, Helena. 'For where thy treasure is,
there shall thine heart be.'"
"But what is the matter with my Heaven?" said I, feeling a little
aggrieved.
"Why, my child, thou hast left out the central figure. What were a
coronation if there were no king? or a wedding where there were no
bride? Why, what was left would be equivalent to nothing. Ask thine old
nurse, and see if thy Heaven would satisfy her. Ah, 'whom have we in
Heaven but _Thee_? and there is none upon earth that we desire in
comparison of Thee!' Old Marguerite understands that. Dost thou, my
maiden?"
I shook my head. I felt too mortified to speak. To have a poor,
ignorant villein woman held up to me, as knowing more than I knew, and
being happier than I, really was humiliating. Yet I could not resent it
from one so high as Lady Judith.
Lady Judith would have said more, I fancy, but Melisende came in, and
she quietly dropped the matter, as she generally does if any third
person enters. But the next morning, as Marguerite was dressing my
hair, I asked her what her notion of Heaven was.
"Inside with the blessed Lord, and the Devil and all the sins and evil
things left outside," she said. "Ah, it will be rest to be rid of evil;
but it will be glory to be with the Lord."
"And the pleasures, and the flying, and all the delightful things,
Margot!" said I.
"Ah, yes, that will be very nice," she admitted. "And to meet those whom
we have lost--that will be the very next best thing to seeing the good
Lord."
"Hast thou lost many whom thou hast loved, Margot?"
"Ah, no--very few, compared with some. My mother, and my husband, and
my two children:--that is all. I never knew my father, and I was an
only child. But it may be, the fewer one has to love, the more one
loves them."
"An only child!" said I. "But Perette calls thee aunt?"
"Ah, yes, she is my husband's niece,--the same thing."
I think Marguerite seems to agree with Lady Judith, though of course she
does not express herself so well.
And I cannot help wondering how they arrange in Heaven. I suppose there
will be thrones nearest the good Lord for the kings and the princes who
will be there: and below that, velvet settles for the nobles; and
beneath again, the crowd of common people. I should think that would be
the arrangement. Because, of course, no one could expect them to mingle
all together. That would be really shocking.
Yet I cannot altogether make it out. If Messeigneurs the holy Apostles
were originally fishermen, and worked for their living--it is very
queer. I do not understand it. But I suppose the holy angels will take
care to put it right, and have a proper barrier between the Apostles and
the nobles, and the poor villeins, who are admitted of special grace,
through their own good deeds, and the super-abundant merits of the holy
saints.
In the afternoon, when Guy was in audience of the Lord King and the Lady
Queen, and Lady Isabel and Melisende were riding forth, with Messire
Homfroy and Amaury as their cavaliers, I found Lady Judith and Lady
Sybil busy spinning, and I brought my broidery and sat down with them.
We did not talk much for a while,--only a few words now and then: when
all at once Lady Judith said--
"Helena, wilt thou try this needle for thy work?"
I took the needle, and threaded it, and set to work again: but I found
to my surprise that I could not get on at all. The needle would hardly
go through the silk, and it left an ugly hole when it did. Lady Judith
went on with her spinning for a few minutes, but at length she looked up
and said--
"Well, Helena, how dost thou like that needle?"
"Not at all, holy Mother, if it please you," said I, "for I cannot get
on with it."
She selected another, and gave it me.
"Oh, this is beautiful for broidery!" I said; "so fine and sharp."
"It is the answer to a question thou wert asking me yesterday," said
Lady Judith, "and I gave thee no reply. Canst thou guess what the
question was?"
I could not, and said so. I did not remember asking anything that had
to do with needles, and I never thought of any hidden meaning.
"Thy question was, What is the world?--and, what harm does the world do
to us? That needle that I first gave thee has its point blunted. And
that is what the world does to a child of God. It blunts his point."
"I do not understand," said I.
"Little Helena," said Lady Judith, "before a point can be blunted, there
must be one to blunt. Thou couldst not sew with a wooden post. So,
before the world can injure thy spiritual life, there must be spiritual
life to injure. There is no poison that will harm a dead man."
"But, holy Mother, are there two worlds?" said I. "For religious
persons give up the world."
"My child, thine heart is a citadel which the foe can never enter,
unless there be a traitor within the walls to open the postern gate.
But there is such a traitor, Helena; and he is always on the watch. Be
thou ever on the watch too. Yet another matter stands first:--Who
reigns in thy citadel? Hast thou ever given thine heart to God,
maiden?"
"Can I give my heart, holy Mother? It seems to me that love is rather
like a plant that grows, than like a treasure that is given."
"Thou art right: but the planting must be sometime. Hast thou ever
asked God to take thine heart? For as a holy man of old hath said,--'If
Thou leave me to myself, I shall not give it Thee.'"
I shook my head. It all sounded strange to me.
"If the usurper is in the citadel, dear child, he will hold the gates
against the rightful King: and, Helena, there are no traitors in His
camp. Thou art not a sword, nor a shield, which can do nothing of
itself; but a human creature with a living will, which can choose either
to open the gates to the King, or to shut them against His trumpeter
when He sends thee summons to surrender. Nay, thou not only canst
choose; thou must: at this moment, at every moment, thou art choosing.
What message hast thou sent back to thy rightful Lord, both by right and
purchase? Is it 'Come Thou, and reign over me;' or is it, 'Go back to
Thy place, for I will have none of Thee'?"
I would willingly not have answered: but I felt it would be to fail in
respect to Lady Judith's age and position. I stammered out something
about hoping that I should make my salvation some time.
"My child, didst thou ever do any thing at any time but _now_?" said
Lady Judith.
I suppose that is true; for it is always now, when we actually come to
do it.
"But, holy Mother, there is so much to give up if one becomes
religious!" said I.
"What is there to give up, that thou couldst take with thee into
Heaven?"
"But there will be things in Heaven to compensate," said I.
"And is there nothing in Christ to compensate?" she replied, with a
momentary flash in the grey eyes. "What is Heaven but God? 'The City
had no need of the sun, for the glory of God did lighten her:' 'and
temple I saw none in her, for the Lord God the Almighty is Temple to
her, and the Lamb.'"
Lady Sybil seemed interested; but I must confess that I thought the
conversation had assumed a very disagreeable tone; and I wondered how it
was that both Lady Judith and my old Marguerite spoke to me as if they
thought I did not serve God. It is very strange, when I hear the holy
mass sung every morning, and I have only just offered another neuvaine
at the Holy Sepulchre. However, Easter will soon be here, and I mean to
be very attentive to my devotions throughout the Holy Week, and see if
that will satisfy Lady Judith. I don't want her to think ill of me. I
like her too well for that, though I do wish she would not talk as if
she fancied I did not serve God. I am sure I am quite as good as most
people, and that is saying a great deal.
No, it can never be wrong to hate people. It can't be, and it shan't!
And I just wish I could roast that Count of Tripoli before the fire in
the Palace kitchen till he was done to a cinder. I am white-hot angry;
and like Jonah the Prophet, I do well to be angry. The mean, fawning,
sneaking, interloping rascal! I knew what he meant by his professions
of love and friendship! Guy's eyes were shut, but not mine. The
wicked, cruel, abominable scoundrel!--to climb up with Guy's help to
within an inch of the top where he sat, and then to leap the inch and
thrust him out of his seat! I cannot find words ugly enough for him. I
hate, hate, hate him!
To have supplanted my Guy! After worming himself into the confidence of
the Lord King, through Guy's friendship--ay, there is the sting!--to
have carried to the King all the complaints that he heard against Guy,
until he, poor helpless Seigneur! (I don't feel nearly so vexed with
him) really was induced to believe Guy harsh and incapable, and to take
out of his hands the government of the kingdom. And then he put in that
serpent, that false Judas, that courtly hypocrite--Oh dear! I cannot
find words to describe such wickedness--and he is Regent of the Holy
Land, and Guy must kneel to him.
I could cut him in slices, and enjoy doing it!
I am angry with Melisende, who can find nothing to say but--"Ah, the
fortune of Courts--one down to-day, another up to-morrow." And I am
almost angry with Marguerite, who says softly--"Hush, then, my
Damoiselle! Is it not the good God?"