Luma the Illustrious
The following "wake" I arose early, since there were many things to
keep me busy. First of all, I carefully prepared a speech and wrote a
letter, which I secreted in my pocket for use later in the day; next
I resumed my disguise, with the amber spectacles, the gray-dyed hair,
and the chalk-colored face; and then, taking care not to be seen, I
made my way to the side-gallery containing the rusty old wheel that
controlled the country's ventilation. There I waited, watch in hand,
and at precisely the promised minute, I gave a turn to the wheel, and
was instantly rewarded by feeling an invigorating breeze.
Now, hastily, I made my way in a "scootscoot" toward Thuno Flâtum's
palace, where I was expected an hour and a quarter later. Gathering
a hundred ventilating employees about me, and ordering them to keep
closely at my side, I acquired a bodyguard suitable for the royal
position I hoped to assume; and, with these surrounding me, I hastened
to keep my appointment.
As we sped through the various corridors, I noticed that the air was
again in motion, that the heavy depressing atmosphere of the past
few days was already being dissipated. And the people, observing
the change, were crowding out of their homes in throngs, shouting
and screaming at the tops of their lungs, "The ventilation! The
ventilation! The ventilation has been restored!"--while in their
jubilant excitement, they waved banners and blew horns and beat drums
and distributed showers of little colored paper like confetti--behaved
generally like school children at a festival.
Drawing near the Dictator's palace, we were impeded by the multitudes
who came forth to greet us, shouting and gesticulating and executing
little whirling dances to show their pleasure. All along the galleries
they flaunted flags and placards bearing curious inscriptions: "Our
kingdom for a breath!"--"We demand our daily air!"--"Air for all
classes!"--"By air, and air only, shall we be ruled!"--"Where the
ventilation fails, the people perish!" and--last, but not least--one
that I may translate freely as follows, "Who steals my purse steals
trash, but he who filches from me my good air has left me poor indeed!"
It was with difficulty that I made my way through the long gallery to
Thuno Flâtum's throne-room, for the crowds, recognizing me by the amber
glasses, insisted in pressing all about us. Only the protective screen
of a hundred attendants saved me from being crushed to death or torn
limb from limb in the people's eagerness to catch a glimpse of me and
show their appreciation.
At length, however, I did reach the throne-room, where the guards
acknowledged my presence by bowing till their palms scraped the floor,
in the established fashion. As befitted a superior, I seemed not to
notice their salutations, but strode at a slow and stately pace toward
the center of the hall, and then, while thousands watched me in gaping
amazement, I mounted the raised platform of red sandstone, and stood on
the throne of the Dictator.
As I reached this regal eminence, suddenly someone waved his hands
furiously and broke into cheers; and the multitude, accepting this as
their signal, echoed the cries in a roar of acclaim that did not die
down for many minutes.
It was long before, by flinging both arms high in air and shouting, I
was able to bring order to the gathering and to launch forth upon the
speech I had prepared.
"Fellow citizens of the First, Second, and Third Classes," I began,
"this is indeed an auspicious occasion. For the first time in more
than three wakes, we can all breathe freely again. At great cost
of personal sacrifice and labor, I have found a way to turn on the
ventilation--"
At this point another salvo of cheers broke forth, combined with a
pandemonium of stamping feet, by which my hearers sought to emphasize
their applause.
"At great cost of personal sacrifice and labor," I resumed, "I have
saved you all, my fellow citizens. For this service I claim no personal
reward, for the satisfaction of rescuing my countrymen will always be
sufficient compensation. However, I have a message to deliver. It is
from your Dictator, his Excellency, Thuno Flâtum."
* * * * *
The throng had all at once become silent; several thousand pairs
of eyes and ears strained forward eagerly, intently, while, with a
flourish, I removed a silver-sealed document from an inner pocket.
"Here is a letter from Thuno Flâtum," I declared, well knowing that the
people, being unable to see clearly close at hand, would have no way
of detecting the falsehood. "Before I read it, let me introduce myself
by the name which our beloved Dictator has always applied to me. I am
called Luma the Illustrious."
"Luma the Illustrious! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah for Luma the
Illustrious!" thundered the mob, while hundreds bowed in token of
obeisance. "Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!" And from the rear of the hall
there came a flaunting of green and vermilion banners, in testimony to
the patriotic significance of the occasion.
"Now listen carefully to the words of Thuno Flâtum!" I shouted,
unfolding the letter I myself had written a few hours before.
And when the crowd had once more grown silent, I read in sonorous tones:
"To _His Highness,_ Luma the Illustrious
"Greetings and heartiest regards
"Since my poor health makes it necessary for me to renounce the
duties of State for a time, I wish that you, Your Highness, would
rule in my place during my absence. I am confident that it would be
impossible to find any one more competent than your eminent self.
During my absence, the people must grant you the same unquestioning
respect and obedience they would accord to myself.
"Faithfully your servant,
THUNO FLÂTUM,
_Prime Dictator and High Chief Potentate of Wu."_
For a moment, as I folded the document back into my pocket, a
thunderstricken silence possessed the people. Then all at once they
broke into such an uproar as I had never heard before. "Long live
Luma! Long live Luma! Long live Luma the Illustrious!" They cheered
and yelled, while writhing and leaping and stamping and dancing in
irrepressible glee. "Long live Luma! Long live Luma the Illustrious!"
My ruse had succeeded even beyond my expectations!
Now, as never before, I realized the advantages of thoughtlessness.
My hearers, being all Second and Third Class citizens, had been so
thoroughly trained in this creed that it had never occurred to them to
question my assertions. Already I had resolved that, as Dictator, I
would make thoughtlessness compulsory.
But alas for my high hopes! Just as I was mentally congratulating
myself on my success, there occurred an event that seemed likely to
undo all I had accomplished. The audience had scarcely ceased shouting
"Long live Luma! Long live Luma! Long live Luma the Illustrious!" when
a commotion arose at the corner nearest the entrance, and I could see
the guards swaying back and forth, as if to throw out some troublesome
intruder.
"What is it, men? What is it?" I shouted, indiscreetly, not in the
least suspecting the source of the disturbance.
Momentarily the commotion ceased, while the husky voice of one of the
guards shouted back.
"Your Abysmal Excellency, what shall I do? There is a man here who
claims to be Thuno Flâtum!"
At these words, I was as near to heart failure as I ever hope to be.
Momentarily a mist passed before my eyes, and I felt myself quivering
and clutching at an iron railing for support. Then, as the attack of
vertigo passed, I could see how the crowd, awed by the magic words
"Thuno Flâtum," had made way near the source of the commotion, leaving
a figure to wheel toward me on a "scootscoot," accompanied by half a
dozen attendants.
How well I recognized that shrivelled form, with the bald head, the
toothless mouth, the ear-pieces and eye-pieces, the nose-tubes and
the megaphone! His royal garments were, it is true, a little frayed
and damaged; the purple crest upon his head was torn and bedraggled,
the green and saffron of his uniform was soiled with muddy blotches,
and the string of huge rubies no longer dangled about his neck.
Nevertheless, I had seen enough of the Dictator to identify him even in
his present shabby plight!
"Your Abysmal Excellency, this man claims to be Thuno Flâtum!" repeated
one of the guards, as the figure on the "scootscoot" drew to within a
few yards of the sandstone platform.
"Thuno Flâtum! Thuno Flâtum! He claims to be Thuno Flâtum!" I could
hear the mob echoing in surprise.
"I _am_ Thuno Flâtum!" avowed the intruder with an angry squeak through
the megaphone. "I _am_ Thuno Flâtum!"
* * * * *
In that crucial fraction of a second, while all the world seemed to
reel about me, I realized that in an instant I might come crashing down
from my new-won eminence! I must act quickly--else all was lost!
I do not know what it was that, in that desperate emergency, put the
saving thought into my mind. But my brain was working with the fury
of fever, and somehow, goaded by terror, I leapt at the one means of
salvation.
"Seize that man! Seize him! Seize him!" I cried, pointing to the
newcomer with a swift imitation of anger. "It is a penal offense to
impersonate the Dictator!"
"It is a penal offense, a penal offense to impersonate the Dictator!"
echoed the multitude.
"But I am not impersonating the Dictator! I _am_ Thuno Flâtum! I _am_
Thuno Flâtum!" insisted the puny figure on the "scootscoot," while his
thin right arm shook in my direction in impotent wrath.
"Look at him! Just look at him! He claims to be Thuno Flâtum!" I
howled, with a sudden pretense at laughter; and rocked back and forth
in feigned mirth. "When did Thuno Flâtum ever wear soiled saffron? When
did he appear without the royal rubies? Guards, seize the impostor!"
"Look at him! Look at him! Just look at him! When did Thuno Flâtum ever
wear soiled saffron?" yelled the mob, roaring with me in amusement more
genuine than my own.
At the same time, the heavy arms of a guard closed about the feeble,
resisting figure.
"But I am, I _am_ Thuno Flâtum!" he wailed for the last time. "It is
you, you who are the impostor! Only listen, only listen--"
At this, he was greeted with louder laughter than ever, and the
thunders of public merriment drowned out his words. Luckily for me, he
was hidden from the sight of the majority; while those close at hand
could not see him clearly enough for recognition.
"Guards, place him in a cell!" I shouted, when the peals of mirth had
begun to subside. "He is a dangerous madman! We will keep him locked up
until--until Thuno Flâtum returns!"
As a corps of guards disappeared down a side-passage with the manacled
Dictator and his attendants, the crowd burst once more into cheers,
"Long live Luma! Long live Luma! Long live Luma the Illustrious!"