THE SPECIAL DUTIES OF HUSBANDS TO THEIR WIVES.
HE that will expect duty or comfort from his wife, must be faithful in
doing the duty of a husband. The failing of yourselves in your own
duty, may cause the failing of another to you, or at least will some
other way as much afflict you, and will be bitterer to you in the end,
than if a hundred failed of their duty to you. A good husband will
either make a good wife, or easily and profitably endure a bad one. I
shall therefore give you directions for your own part of duty, as that
which your happiness is most concerned in.
_Direct._ I. The husband must undertake the principal part of the
government of the whole family, even of the wife herself. And
therefore, 1. He must labour to be fit and able for that government
which he undertaketh. This ability consisteth, 1. In holiness and
spiritual wisdom, that he may be acquainted with the end to which he
is to conduct them, and the rule by which he is to guide them, and
the principal works which they are to do. An ungodly, irreligious man
is both a stranger and an enemy to the chiefest part of family
government. 2. His ability consisteth in a due acquaintance with the
works of his calling, and the labours in which his servants are to be
employed. For he that is utterly unacquainted with their business,
will be very unfit to govern them in it: unless he commit that part of
their government to his wife, or a steward that is acquainted with it.
3. And he must be acquainted both with the common temper and
infirmities of mankind, that he may know how much is to be borne with,
and also with the particular temper, and faults, and virtues of those
whom he is to govern. 4. And he must have prudence, to direct himself
in all his carriage to them; and justice, to deal with every one as
they deserve: and love, to do them all the good he can, for soul and
body. II. And being thus able, he must make it his daily work, and
especially be sure that he govern himself well, that his example may
be part of his government of others.
_Direct._ II. The husband must so unite authority and love, that
neither of them may be omitted or concealed, but both be exercised and
maintained. Love must not be exercised so imprudently as to destroy
the exercise of authority; and authority must not be exercised over a
wife so magisterially and imperiously, as to destroy the exercise of
love. As your love must be a governing love, so your commands must all
be loving commands. Lose not your authority; for that will but disable
you from doing the office of a husband to your wife, or of a master to
your servants. Yet must it be maintained by no means inconsistent with
conjugal love; and therefore not by fierceness or cruelty, by
threatenings or stripes (unless by distraction or loss of reason, they
cease to be uncapable of the carriage otherwise due to a wife). There
are many cases of equality in which authority is not to be exercised;
but there is no case of inequality or unworthiness so great, in which
conjugal love is not to be exercised; and therefore nothing must
exclude it.
_Direct._ III. It is the duty of husbands to preserve the
authority of their wives, over the children and servants of the
family. For they are joint governors with them over all the inferiors.
And the infirmities of women are apt many times to expose them to
contempt: so that servants and children will be apt to slight them,
and disobey them, if the husband interpose not to preserve their
honour and authority. Yet this must be done with such cautions as
these: 1. Justify not any error, vice, or weakness of your wives. They
may be concealed and excused as far as may be, but never owned or
defended. 2. Urge not obedience to any unlawful command of theirs. No
one hath authority to contradict the law of God, or disoblige any from
his government. You will but diminish your own authority with persons
of any understanding, if you justify any thing that is against God's
authority. But if the thing commanded be lawful, though it may have
some inconveniences, you must rebuke the disobedience of inferiors,
and not suffer them to slight the commands of your wives, nor to set
their own reason and wills against them, and say, We will not do it.
How can they help you in government, if you suffer them to be
disobeyed?
_Direct._ IV. Also you must preserve the honour as well as the
authority of your wives. If they have any dishonourable infirmities,
they are not to be mentioned by children and servants. As in the
natural body we cover most carefully the most dishonourable parts,
(for our comely parts have no need,) 1 Cor. xii. 23, 24, so must it
be here. Children or servants must not be suffered to carry themselves
contemptuously or rudely towards them, nor to despise them, or speak
unmannerly, proud, or disdainful words to them. The husband must
vindicate them from all such injury and contempt.
_Direct._ V. The husband is to excel the wife in knowledge, and
be her teacher in the matters that belong to her salvation. He must
instruct her in the word of God, and direct her in particular duties,
and help her to subdue her own corruptions, and labour to confirm her
against temptations; if she doubt of any thing that he can resolve her
in, she is to ask his resolution, and he to open to her at home the
things which she understood not in the congregation, 1 Cor. xiv. 35.
But if the husband be indeed an ignorant sot, or have made himself
unable to instruct his wife, she is not bound to ask him in vain, to
teach her that which he understandeth not himself. Those husbands that
despise the word of God, and live in wilful ignorance, do not only
despise their own souls, but their families also; and making
themselves unable for their duties, they are usually themselves
despised by their inferiors: for God hath told such in his message to
Eli, 1 Sam. ii. 30, "Them that honour me, I will honour; and they that
despise me, shall be lightly esteemed."
_Direct._ VI. The husband must be the principal teacher of the
family. He must instruct them, and examine them, and rule them about
the matters of God, as well as his own service, and see that the
Lord's day and worship be observed by all that are within his gates.
And therefore he must labour for such understanding and ability as is
necessary hereunto. And if he be unable or negligent, it is his sin,
and will be his shame. If the wife be wiser and abler, and it be cast
upon her, it is his dishonour; but if neither of them do it, the sin,
and shame, and suffering, will be common to them both.
_Direct._ VII. The husband is to be the mouth of the family, in
their daily conjunct prayers unto God. Therefore he must be able to
pray, and also have a praying heart. He must be as it were the priest
of the household; and therefore should be the most holy, that he may
be fit to stand between them and God, and to offer up their prayers to
him. If this be cast on the wife, it will be his dishonour.
_Direct._ VIII. The husband is to be the chief provider for the
family (ordinarily). It is supposed that he is most able for mind and
body, and is the chief disposer of the estate. Therefore he must be
specially careful, that wife and children want nothing that is fit for
them, so far as he can procure it.
_Direct._ IX. The husband must be strongest in family patience;
bearing with the weakness and passions of the wife; not so as to make
light of any sin against God, but so as not to make a great matter of
any frailty as against himself, and so as to preserve the love and
peace which is to be as the natural temper of their relation.
_Direct._ X. The manner of all these duties must also be
carefully regarded. As, 1. That they be done in prudence, and not with
folly, rashness, or inconsiderateness. 2. That all be done in conjugal
love and tenderness, as over one that is tender, and the weaker
vessel; and that he do not teach, or command, or reprove a wife, in
the same imperious manner as a child or servant. 3. That due
familiarity be maintained, and that he keep not at a distance and
strangeness from his wife. 4. That love be confident, without base
suspicions, and causeless jealousies. 5. That all be done in
gentleness, and not in passion, roughness, and sourness. 6. That there
be no unjust and causeless concealment of secrets, which should be
common to them both. 7. That there be no foolish opening of such
secrets to her as may become her snare, and she is not able to bear or
keep. 8. That none of their own matters, which should be kept secret,
be made known to others. His teaching and reproving her, should be for
the most part secret. 9. That he be constant, and not weary of his
love or duty. This briefly of the manner.