A. W. Pinero’s Plays
Price, 50 Cents Each
=THE AMAZONS= Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five
females. Costumes, modern; scenery, not difficult. Plays a
full evening.
=THE CABINET MINISTER= Farce in Four Acts. Ten males,
nine females. Costumes, modern society; scenery, three
interiors. Plays a full evening.
=DANDY DICK= Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, four females.
Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays two hours
and a half.
=THE GAY LORD QUEX= Comedy in Four Acts. Four males, ten
females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors and an
exterior. Plays a full evening.
=THE HOUSE IN ORDER= Comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, four
females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays
a full evening.
=THE HOBBY HORSE= Comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, five
females. Costumes, modern; scenery easy. Plays two hours
and a half.
=IRIS= Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females.
Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full
evening.
=LADY BOUNTIFUL= Play in Four Acts. Eight males, seven
females. Costumes, modern; scenery, four interiors, not
easy. Plays a full evening.
=LETTY= Drama in Four Acts and an Epilogue. Ten males, five
females. Costumes, modern; scenery complicated. Plays a
full evening.
=THE MAGISTRATE= Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, four
females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interior. Plays two
hours and a half.
Sent prepaid on receipt of price by
Walter H. Baker & Company
No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts
Look Out For Paint
A Farce Comedy in Three Acts
By
CORNELIUS SHEA
BOSTON
WALTER H. BAKER & CO.
1912
Look Out For Paint
CHARACTERS
(_As originally produced in Tottenville, N. Y., June 9, 1911_).
HIRAM RODNEY, _owner of “High Up Farm”_ _Mr. Frank J. Dolan_.
PERCY HEARTACHE, _an artist, in love
with Rodney’s daughter Helen_ _Mr. Benjamin B. Cole_.
HICKORY HOMESPUN, _a bashful farmer, who
is well to do_ _Mr. J. J. Malle_.
TROTWELL ROAMER, _a tramp, who is a
painter by trade_ _Mr. Edward Johnson_.
BILL, _a big, good-natured boy who does
the chores_ _Mr. Arthur Parsons_.
SUSAN RODNEY, _the farmer’s wife_ _Miss Cecilia Stern_.
HELEN RODNEY, _the farmer’s daughter_ _Miss Lena S. Hoehn_.
HATTIE RENWICK, _a stenographer from the
city, past thirty and anxious to wed_ _Miss Marvel Matthes_.
LUCINDA WHEATCHAFF, _a widow in love with
Hickory Homespun_ _Mrs. Willis Larkin_.
TIME:—The present. LOCALITY:—A farm in the upper part
of New York State.
Time of performance, one hour and a half.
[Illustration: (Publisher colophon)]
COPYRIGHT, 1912, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO.
SYNOPSIS
ACT I.—Dining-room at “High Up Farm.” The arrival of the boarder
from the city. The two letters. The farmer decides to have his
sailboat painted, since the summer boarders have begun to come.
ACT II.—Lawn at “High Up Farm.” Heartache is much perplexed. Helen
helps him fix it. The tramp. The plot. Hattie is surprised. “He has
disguised himself to test the depths of my devotion.” The tramp
tries to escape.
ACT III.—Same as Act II. An embarrassing mistake. “Look out for
paint.” Miss Renwick decides that she don’t want a husband. The
widow wins. Bill settles it all.
COSTUMES
It will be necessary for Hattie and Helen to change. Hattie is to
be stylishly gowned in summer apparel when she enters in first act.
Helen to fit the occasion, as a farmer’s daughter when at work
about the house, and also “dressed up” to receive visitors. Bill in
ridiculous make-up and big straw hat. Percy in rather dudish style.
Roamer in ragged coat and overalls. Hiram as a farmer at work.
Hickory “dressed up” a little. Lucinda as a widow just discarding
her weeds. Susan with apron, etc.
PROPERTIES
Churn, table, chairs, benches, etc., broom, feather duster and
ordinary furnishings for common sitting-room; table is set on lawn
during intermission between second and third acts Sign, “Cow for
Sale.” Two paint cans, with brushes.
Look Out for Paint
ACT I
SCENE.—_Sitting-room of the “High Up Farmhouse.”_
_Enter_ HIRAM RODNEY, _drying hands with big, coarse towel_.
HIRAM. So it’s city boarders we’re going to have, eh? An’ one
is comin’ to-day! Well, I don’t think a whole lot of this pesky
business, but Susan got it in her head to take ’em, so I s’pose
she’s got to have her way about it. Women-folks generally does
have their own way, anyhow. I know Susan does; she always has,
too. But it’s all right. A little cash money from boarders will
come in mighty handy, I calculate. It’s been so dry that it looks
as though the corn crop is going to be a rank failure. An’ the
hay——(_Voices and laughter outside._) Hello! What’s this? Bill
has brought the new boarder over from the depot, I s’pose. (_Goes
to door at_ C.) Yes, sure enough, she’s come. My! but ain’t she
dressed up! Paint an’ powder on her face, too! An’ Bill is luggin’
in her trunk.
_Enter_ BILL, _carrying trunk, followed by_ HATTIE RENWICK.
BILL. Here we are, Mr. Rodney. I found her all right. Ain’t she
a stunner? I’ll bet that dress an’ hat of hers cost more’n five
dollars, bergosh! Ain’t she——
HIRAM. Shet up, you fool! Don’t you know how to act when we’ve got
company?
HAT. (_graciously_). Oh, don’t mind him. I think Bill is just too
cute for anything. He is so witty in his conversation that I just
enjoyed myself riding over from the depot. (_Laughs lightly and
glances killingly at_ BILL, _who curtsies and then struts around
like a peacock_.) So this is High Up Farm, I suppose?
HIRAM. Yes, miss, that’s just what it is. Be you Miss Hattie
Renwick, the new boarder?
HAT. Yes, that is who I am, sir. I suppose you are Mr. Rodney?
HIRAM. That’s me. I’m the boss of this here place—when Susan ain’t
around, I mean. (_Footsteps at_ L.) Here she comes now. She’ll look
after you all right, miss. Susan knows her business.
_Enter_ SUSAN RODNEY, _from kitchen at_ L.
HAT. Mrs. Rodney, I presume?
SUSAN (_bowing and smiling_). Yes, that’s who I be. You are the
young lady come here to board, I take it?
HIRAM. That’s who she is, Susan. Jest look after her, will you?
(_To_ BILL.) Take that trunk up-stairs, Bill, an’ hurry up about
it. I’ve got to send you back to the village before you unhitch the
mare. I wanted you to do an errand for me, but you went off without
me knowin’ it. Hurry up now.
BILL. All right. I’ll git this here trunk up-stairs in a jiffy.
(_Tries to lift trunk and falls over it._) Gosh! I missed my hold
that time. (_To_ HAT.) Say, miss, there ain’t no crockery in this,
is there?
HAT. (_laughing_). No crockery, Bill.
BILL. All right, then.
(HIRAM _helps him and the two exeunt with trunk at_ R.)
HAT. (_looking about room and breathing a sigh of relief_). What
a relief to get out of the crowded, dusty city. I am so glad I am
here.
SUSAN. You ought to be, Miss Renwick. There is nothing like the
dear old country, after all. Shall I show you to your room?
HAT. If you please, Mrs. Rodney.
_Enter_ HIRAM _and_ BILL, R. _Exeunt_ SUSAN _and_ HAT., R.
HIRAM. Now, Bill, I want you to drive over to the village and tell
Jim Styles to send a man over here to paint ther boat just as soon
as he kin. Since we’re goin’ ter have boarders, we’ve got to have
the boat so they kin use it on the lake. Tell him it’s white paint
for the outside an’ yaller inside. Don’t you forgit, Bill.
BILL. I won’t. But I’ll have to bring in an armful of wood first. I
seen there wasn’t any in ther wood-box when I come in.
HIRAM. Mighty thoughtful of you all at once.
BILL. Say! but ain’t the new boarder a daisy?
(_Laughs uproariously._)
HIRAM. Pshaw! You don’t think that city gal would take any notice
of you, do yer?
BILL. I don’t, eh? That’s as much as you know about it. Why, she
told me I was a fine specimen of a healthy young farmer. (_Draws
himself up proudly._) An’ she give me a dig in ther ribs, too.
She’s a reg’lar peach! (_Laughs loudly again._)
HIRAM. You’re a born fool, Bill, an’ you don’t know it. That gal
was jest makin’ fun of yer, that’s all.
[_Exeunt_ HIRAM _and_ BILL.
_Enter_ HELEN RODNEY, _with bunch of flowers in her hand_.
HEL. I see the buggy outside, so I suppose our boarder has arrived.
I wonder how she looks? She wrote that she is a stenographer in
New York, and the letter was typewritten, too. By the way it read,
she must be very much of a lady. Well, as there is no one here
now, I’ll take my chance to write a note to Percy. I know mother
won’t object, so I’ll invite him over to take tea with us to-morrow
afternoon. Percy is just too sweet for anything; and he is an
artist, too! I hope the new boarder is not good-looking, so there
will be no danger of her cutting me out. (_Opens drawer in stand
and takes out paper, pen and ink and writes._) There! (_Holds up
note she has written._) That is rather brief, but it will answer
the purpose, I know. Percy will be delighted to come, too. When
mother and father see him and get acquainted with him they won’t
mind if he comes often, I am sure. (_Reads._) “Dear Percy, come
over to-morrow afternoon and take tea with us. Pa and ma will
be pleased to see you. Yours lovingly, H. R.” (_Places paper in
envelope and addresses it._ BILL _is heard whistling outside_.)
Here, Bill, I want you. Hurry up.
(BILL _enters on a run and stumbles, throwing an armful of
wood on the floor_.)
BILL (_on his hands and knees_). What do yer want, Helen?
HEL. Get up, stupid. I want you to take this letter to the
post-office some time to-day.
BILL (_taking letter_). All right, Helen. I’ve got to go to ther
village right away, an’ I’ll mail ther letter for yer.
HEL. Well, see that you don’t lose it. Here is ten cents for you.
BILL. Hooray! I’ll buy a mouth-organ now. Then I’ll make some
mew-sick around High Up Farm, see if I don’t. Helen, you never
heard me play a mouth-organ, did yer?
HEL. No; and I don’t wish to hear you, either. Just pick up that
wood and be off with you.
BILL (_gathering up the sticks of wood_). All right, Helen. I
forgot to thank you for this dime.
(_Puts coin in mouth and then goes off_ L.)
(_Exit_ HEL., C. _Enter_ HAT., R.)
HAT. Oh! Here is pen, ink and paper. Just what I want. I
wonder if I could get that simple fellow, Bill, to go over to
the post-office? I must let Percy know I am here. Won’t he be
surprised! What a romance, indeed. We have never seen each other,
nor even exchanged photographs, but I am sure he loves me, or
he would never have answered my second letter after reading my
advertisement in a matrimonial paper. When I found High Up Farm was
so near the village he is stopping in I could not make arrangements
to come here quickly enough. How delightful! How romantic! I’ll
just write him a few words to let him know I am here. I will
ask him to come over to-morrow afternoon. Just think of it! How
romantic it will be! I am sure I will know him, for I can imagine
just how he looks from his letters. And he is an artist, too.
Very, very romantic! (_Sits down and writes._) There! I think this
will do. (_Reads._) “Dear Percy: I have just arrived at High Up
Farm and will be pleased to meet you here to-morrow afternoon.
I know how surprised you will be when you read this, and feel
sure that when you see me you will not be sorry you answered my
matrimonial advertisement, which was really inserted more in a
spirit of mischief than anything else. Yours, lovingly, H. R.”
(_To audience._) That ought to land him, if anything will. Since
I have decided to get married, I must go the limit. I must land
this handsome young artist—I know he must be handsome, for artists
always are—and I will surely look my best to-morrow afternoon.
I wonder where that big booby, Bill, is? (BILL _heard whistling
outside_.) Oh! there he is now. (_Walks to_ L.) Come here, Bill; I
want you.
_Enter_ BILL, _whip in hand_.
BILL. What do you want, miss?
HAT. When are you going over to the village again?
BILL. Right now. Kin I do anything for yer?
HAT. (_sealing note in envelope_). Yes; take this letter to the
post-office for me. (_Writes address on envelope._)
BILL. All right, Miss Daisy; I’ll do it for yer.
HAT. My name isn’t Daisy.
BILL. Well, you’re a daisy, jest ther same.
HAT. (_laughing_). Do you think so, Bill?
BILL. I don’t think so; I know it, bergosh!
HAT. None of that, Bill. I know you don’t mean a word of what you
say. You are just like the rest of the men.
BILL (_pulling up trousers and strutting about with chest thrown
out_). Rest of ther men, eh? Well, I always thought I was nothin’
but a boy yet. But if you say I’m a man, I must be, Daisy.
HAT. (_handing him letter and piece of money_). Here is a quarter
for you. Take the letter and be sure and mail it. That’s a good boy.
BILL (_starting toward_ L.). Boy, eh? A minute ago I was a man.
Well, that’s jest like ther wimmen-folks. They say one thing an’
mean another.
(_Laughs loudly and goes off_ L. HAT. _goes off_ C.)
_Enter_ SUSAN, R.
SUSAN. Now I suppose I must get dinner ready. The new boarder is
most likely hungry, an’ I want her to be satisfied. Six dollars a
week ain’t to be sneezed at these times.
(_Starts for_ L., _when_ HEL. _enters_.)
HEL. Mother, I have asked a young man to come over and take tea
with us to-morrow. You don’t object, do you?
SUSAN. Young man? You mean that painter you’ve talked so much about
in the last week or two, I s’pose?
HEL. Not painter, mother. He is an artist.
SUSAN. Well, ain’t a painter an artist? I call him a painter, an’
I don’t think he amounts to much, though I ain’t never set eyes on
him.
HEL. (_taking_ SUSAN’S _face in her hands_). Oh, mother, you will
surely change your opinion when you see him once. He is just too
sweet for anything. He is very wealthy, too, and I happen to know
that he has more than an ordinary fondness for me.
SUSAN (_disengaging herself from_ HEL.). All girls are alike at
your age. Well, let him come, if he wants to. I was thinking of
inviting the widow over to-morrow afternoon, so Miss Renwick would
have company. Most likely she’ll find it rather lonesome here at
first. Hick Homespun told your father he was coming over to look at
the brindle cow which is for sale, to-morrow afternoon, so it will
just come in fine. The widow has set her cap for Hick, an’ I’ve
made up my mind to help her along all I can. Yes. Let the painter
come over, an’ we’ll have a little party.
HEL. And we won’t say anything about it to father, or the boarder,
mother. Let’s make it a surprise party, as far as they are
concerned.
SUSAN. Very well, Helen. I was goin’ to tell your father, but if
you want him surprised it’s all right.
HEL. Where is the new boarder, mother? I haven’t seen her yet.
SUSAN. She is up in her room. She seems to be a very nice girl.
HEL. Is she good-looking?
SUSAN. Very. She reminds me of one of them pictures you see in the
fashion books. (_Starts._) I hear her coming downstairs now. I’ll
introduce you right away.
_Enter_ HAT., R.
HAT. Has Bill gone yet, Mrs. Rodney? I have just discovered that
I failed to bring my tooth powder with me, and if there is a drug
store at the village I want him to get me some.
SUSAN. I’ll see if Bill has gone yet, Miss Renwick. (_Goes to door
at_ C., _and looks out_.) There! he is going now. Hey, Bill! Come
back here. You’re wanted. (_Comes back._) Miss Renwick, let me make
you acquainted with my daughter Helen.
(HEL., _who has been studying the new boarder, advances a
step and bows_.)
HAT. I am very glad to meet her, I am sure. How do you do, Miss
Rodney? (_They shake hands._)
HEL. I am quite well, I thank you. I hope you will like it here at
High Up Farm.
HAT. I hope so; but it does seem rather slow here at the start. You
see, I am so used to the gay life of the city, with the theatre
parties every night or two, and the receptions and balls. It is so
different in the country. But I will get used to it, I know.
HEL. Miss Renwick, do stenographers have such enjoyment in the
city? They must draw large salaries.
HAT. Oh, they do. But of course they don’t use their own money for
such pleasures. The fellows attend to that part of it—young men
interested in Wall Street, and the like, you know.
HEL. Oh, I see. It must be delightful to live in the city and be a
stenographer.
_Enter_ BILL _hurriedly from_ C.
BILL. What do yer want, Missus Rodney? You jest stopped me in time.
If I hadn’t waited to fix ther mare’s traces you wouldn’t have got
me.
HAT. (_smiling graciously_). It is I who want you, Bill.
BILL. Oh, it’s you, eh, Daisy?
HAT. What did I tell you about calling me Daisy?
BILL. Excuse me. I’ll change it an’ call you Peach, then.
HAT. Stop your nonsense, Bill. (_Takes money from purse and hands
it to him._) There! Stop at the drug store and get me a box of
tooth powder. If you can’t get powder, get paste.
BILL. An’ if I can’t git paste I’ll git a bottle of mucilage.
HEL. The idea, Bill! Mucilage! People don’t use such stuff as that
to clean their teeth.
BILL. If they was false it would be good to stick ’em to ther gums.
HAT. (_sharply_). Bill, I want you to understand that my teeth are
all my own.
BILL. Of course, Daisy—I mean Peach. Whose would they be? If
you’ve got false ones most likely you paid for ’em. Whose would
they be? (_Goes to door at_ C., _laughing_.) But all right, Peach.
I’ll git ther tooth powder for yer. I won’t forgit. I’m goin’ to
buy a set of clappers with that quarter you give me afore. Then,
with a new mouth-organ an’ ther clappers, there’ll be a regular
band of music around High Up Farm. [_Exit._
HEL. Mother, that boy is getting to be a regular nuisance. The idea
of him speaking that way to a stranger!
HAT. Oh! I don’t mind him, Miss Rodney. Bill isn’t exactly all
right. I noticed that when he met me at the depot. He means no
offense, I am sure. His comical actions and remarks help take away
the dullness. Bill is all right.
SUSAN. Well, we’ve had him ever since he was about ten years old,
an’ he’s always been pretty faithful. I s’pose he can’t help it if
he’s a little loose in his upper story. Most likely he was born
that way.
HEL. Quite likely, mother.
HAT. (_sitting down_). Miss Helen, are there many good-looking
young farmers around here?
HEL. There are plenty of young men in the neighborhood, Miss
Renwick. But as to their good looks, I suppose you would be better
able to judge than I. You reside in the city, and I presume you see
so many handsome young men that you would not think much of those
you will meet here in the country. As for myself, I don’t care a
great deal for farmers.
SUSAN. Shame on you, Helen! You, a farmer’s daughter, talkin’ like
that.
HEL. I can’t help it, mother; just because I was born on a farm
don’t say that I should be a farmer’s wife.
HAT. Why, I think that would be delightful, provided the husband
could give his wife all she wanted. Plenty of fine dresses, a horse
and carriage, and a nice automobile. Farmers usually are very
wealthy, I have heard.
SUSAN. Well, there ain’t many rich ones around here, Miss Renwick.
About the only one anywhere around here who’s got plenty of money
is Hick Homespun, an’ his father left it to him. Hick never earned
it, though he does know pretty well how to keep it.
HAT. Hick Homespun! What a funny name, Mrs. Rodney.
SUSAN. Yes, it is a sorter old-fashioned name. But Hick is all
right, just the same.
HEL. His given name is Hickory, but every one calls him Hick, for
short.
HAT. Is he married?
HEL. No, he is a bachelor farmer.
SUSAN. But he ain’t likely to remain a bachelor very long. Lucinda
Wheatchaff, the widow, has set her cap for him. She’ll catch him,
too, for Lucinda has very winnin’ ways. She made up her mind to
get Hank Wheatchaff, an’ she jest went ahead an’ got him. But Hank
didn’t live more’n a year, an’ when he died he left the widow a
nice little farm an’ a few thousands in cash. Lucinda will win Hick
all right, though he’s an awful bashful man. She’ll—— (_Knock at
door_ C.) As I live! I believe that’s the widow now. I always know
her knock. (_Calls out._) Come in.
_Enter_ LUCINDA WHEATCHAFF.
LUC. Hello, everybody! Isn’t this a lovely day? (_Sees_ HAT.) Oh!
excuse me, Mrs. Rodney. I wasn’t aware that you had company.
SUSAN (_introducing them_). Mrs. Wheatchaff, this is our new
boarder, Miss Renwick, of New York.
LUC. How do you do, Miss Renwick? We country folks are always glad
to meet city folks.
HAT. (_graciously_). It gives me great pleasure to make your
acquaintance, Mrs. Wheatchaff.
(_They shake hands, the widow very demonstrative._)
HEL. Lucinda, I was just telling Miss Renwick about Hick. She
wanted to know if there were any nice young men around here.
LUC. Oh, she wanted to know that, eh? (_Sizes up_ HAT. _critically,
and then gives a sniff_.) Well, I hardly think Hick Homespun would
suit her. Hick has got an awful objection to paint and powder, too.
He wouldn’t be apt to take to Miss Renwick.
HAT. (_with sweet sarcasm_). Indeed! Mrs. Wheatchaff, you are very
blunt in your way of speaking, I see. But if the gentleman referred
to objects to paint and powder, how do you ever expect to win him?
LUC. (_holding up her hands in surprise_). Me? As if I wanted
another man! I’ve had one, and I am sure that is enough. (_Picks
up her parasol and walks about indignantly._) But say! (_Pauses
before_ HAT. _and shakes parasol at her_.) If you think you can get
Hick Homespun to take any notice of you, go ahead. I’m sure it is
nothing to me. But I don’t believe——
(_Loud noise outside, and_ HIRAM _enters in great excitement_.)
HIRAM. Susan, get the gun—quick! There’s a big chicken-hawk after
the old dominick hen an’ her chickens. Hurry, Susan!
(_Exit_ SUSAN _hurriedly at_ R. HEL. _grabs a feather
duster_, HAT. _seizes broom which_ SUSAN _has left in a
corner of the room, and_ LUC. _waves her parasol_. SUSAN
_enters_ R. _with gun. Then_ HIRAM _grabs the gun and all
rush out excitedly. Report of gun is heard._)
QUICK CURTAIN