Making the secular xa, he left the royal pair. Outside, his voice could
be heard bellowing in the anteroom, "Has any one of you squuch seen my
pliers?"
"There is no need for worry, Venerated Ancestor," the princess assured
the monarch. "All-Helpful Zen will aid me with my tasks."
Far away in his arcane retreat, the divinity groaned to himself.
* * * * *
Another aspect of Zen's personality followed the two Earthmen as they
left the palace to supervise the erection of their prefab by the crew
of the spaceship in one of the Royal Parks. A vast crowd of Uxenach
gathered to watch the novelty, and among them there presently appeared
a sinister-looking old man with a red beard, whom Zen the Pansophic had
no difficulty in recognizing as the prime minister, heavily disguised.
Of course it would have been no trouble for Zen to carry out Guj's
mission for him, but he believed in self-help--especially on Thursdays.
"You certainly fixed us up fine!" Hammond muttered disrespectfully to
the professor. "You should've told the king we were inventing a vacuum
cleaner or something. Now they'll just be more curious than ever....
And I still don't see why you refused the priest. Seems to me he'd be
just what you needed."
"Yes, and the first to catch on to why we're here. We mustn't
antagonize the natives; these closed groups are so apt to resent any
investigation into their mythos."
"If it's all mythical, why do you need a scientist then?"
"A physical scientist, you mean," Kendrick said austerely. "For
anthropology is a science, too, you know."
Peter snorted.
"Some Earthmen claim actually to have seen these alleged
manifestations," Kendrick went on to explain, "in which case there must
be some kind of mechanical trickery involved--which is where you come
in. Of course I would have preferred an engineer to help me, but you
were all I could get from the government."
"And you wouldn't have got me either, if the Minister of Science didn't
have it in for me!" Peter said irately. "I'm far too good for this
piddling little job, and you know it. If it weren't for envy in high
places--"
"Better watch out," the professor warned, "or the Minister might decide
you're too good for science altogether, and you'll be switched to a
position more in keeping with your talents--say, as a Refuse Removal
Agent."
_And what is wrong with the honored art of Refuse Removal?_ Zen
wondered. There were a lot of mystifying things about these Earthmen.
* * * * *
The scientists' quaint little edifice was finally set up, and the
spaceship took its departure. It was only then that the Earthmen
discovered that something they called cigarettes couldn't be found in
the welter of packages, and that the robot wouldn't cook dinner or, in
fact, do anything. _Good old Guj_, Zen thought.
"I can't figure out what's gone wrong," Peter complained, as he
finished putting the mechanical man together again. "Everything seems
to be all right, and yet the damned thing won't function."
"Looks as if we'll have to do the housework ourselves, confound it!"
"Uh-uh," Peter said. "You can, but not me. The Earth government put me
under your orders so far as this project is concerned, sir, but I'm not
supposed to do anything degrading, sir, and menial work is classified
as just that, sir, so--"
"All right, all _right_!" Kendrick said. "Though it seems to me if
_I'm_ willing to do it, _you_ should have no objection."
"It's your project, sir. I gathered from the king, though," Peter
added more helpfully, "that some of the natives still do menial labor
themselves."
"How disgusting that there should still be a planet so backward that
human beings should be forced to do humiliating tasks," Kendrick said.
_You don't know the half of it, either_, Zen thought, shocked all the
way back to his physical being. It had never occurred to him that the
functions of gods on other planets might be different than on Uxen ...
unless the Earthlings failed to pay reverence to their own gods, which
seemed unlikely in view of the respectful way with which Professor
Kendrick had greeted the mention of Zen's Awe-Inspiring Name. Then
Refuse Removal was not necessarily a divine prerogative.
_Those first colonists were very clever_, Zen thought bitterly,
_sweet-talking me into becoming a god and doing all their dirty work.
I was happy here as the Only Inhabitant; why did I ever let those
interlopers involve me in Theolatry? But I can't quit now. The Uxenach
need Me ... and I need incense; I'm fettered by my own weakness. Still,
I have the glimmerings of an idea...._
"Oh, how much could a half-witted menial find out?" Peter demanded.
"Remember, it's either a native servant, sir, or you do the housework
yourself."
"All right," Kendrick agreed gloomily. "We'll try one of the natives."
* * * * *
So the next day, still attended by the Unseen Presence of Zen, they
sought audience with the prime minister.
"Welcome, Earthmen, to the humble apartments of His Majesty's most
unimportant subject," Guj greeted them, making a very small xa as he
led them into the largest reception room.
Kendrick absently ran his finger over the undercarving of a small gold
table. "Look, no dust," he whispered. "Must have excellent help here."
Zen couldn't help preening just a bit. At least he did his work well;
no one could gainsay that.
"Your desire," Guj went on, apparently anxious to get to the point, "is
my command. Would you like a rojh of dancing girls to perform before
you or--?"
"The king said something yesterday about servants being available,"
Kendrick interrupted. "And our robot seems to have broken down. Could
you tell us where we could get someone to do our housework?"
An expression of vivid pleasure illuminated the prime minister's
venerable countenance. "By fortunate chance, gentlemen, a small lot of
maids is to be auctioned off at a village very near the Imperial City
tomorrow. I should be delighted to escort you there personally."
"Auctioned?" Kendrick repeated. "You mean they _sell_ servants here?"
Guj raised his snowy eyebrows. "Sold? Certainly not; they are leased
for two years apiece. After all, if you have no lease, what guarantee
do you have that your servants will stay after you have trained them?
None whatsoever."
When the two scientists had gone, Iximi emerged from behind a
bright-colored tapestry depicting Zen in seven hundred and fifty-three
of his Attributes.
"The younger one is not at all bad-looking," she commented, patting her
hair into place. "I do like big blond men. Perhaps my task will not be
as unpleasant as I fancied."
Guj stroked his beard. "How do you know the Earthlings will select
_you_, Your Highness? Many other maids will be auctioned off at the
same time."
The princess stiffened angrily. "They'll pick me or they'll never leave
Uxen alive and you, Your Excellency, would not outlive them."
* * * * *
Although it meant he had to overwork the other aspects of his multiple
personality, Zen kept one free so that the next day he could join
the Earthmen--in spirit, that was--on their excursion in search of a
menial.
"If, as an anthropologist, you are interested in local folkways,
Professor," Guj remarked graciously, as he and the scientists piled
into a scarlet, boat-shaped vehicle, "you will find much to attract
your attention in this quaint little planet of ours."
"Are the eyes painted on front of the car to ward off demons?" Kendrick
asked.
"Car? Oh, you mean the yio!" Guj patted the forepart of the vehicle.
It purred and fluttered long eyelashes. "We breed an especially bouncy
strain with seats; they're so much more comfortable, you know."
"You mean this is a _live_ animal?"
Guj nodded apologetically. "Of course it does not go very fast. Now if
we had the atomic power drive, such as your spaceships have--"
"You'd shoot right off into space," Hammond assured him.
"Speed," said Kendrick, "is the curse of modern civilization. Be glad
you still retain some of the old-fashioned graces here on Uxen. You
see," he whispered to his assistant, "a clear case of magico-religious
culture-freezing, resulting in a static society unable to advance
itself, comes of its implicit reliance upon the powers of an omnipotent
deity."
Zen took some time to figure this out. _But that's right!_ he
concluded, in surprise.
"I thought your god teleported things?" Peter asked Guj. "How come he
doesn't teleport you around, if you're in such a hurry to go places?"
Kendrick glared at him. "Please remember that I'm the anthropologist,"
he hissed. "You have got to know how to describe the Transcendental
Personality with the proper respect."
"We don't have Zen teleport animate objects," the prime minister
explained affably. "Or even inanimate ones if they are fragile.
For He tends to lose His Temper sometimes when He feels that He is
overworked--" _Feels, indeed!_ Zen said to himself--"and throws things
about. We cannot reprove Him for His misbehavior. After all, a god is a
god."
"The apparent irreverence," Kendrick explained in an undertone,
"undoubtedly signifies that he is dealing with ancillary or, perhaps,
peripheral religious beliefs. I must make a note of them." He did so.
* * * * *
By the time the royal yio had arrived at the village where the
planetary auctions for domestics were held, the maids were already
arranged in a row on the platform. Most were depressingly plain
creatures and dressed in thick sacklike tunics. Among them, the
graceful form of Iximi was conspicuous, clad in a garment similar in
cut but fashioned of translucent gauze almost as blue as her eyes.
Peter straightened his tie and assumed a much more cheerful expression.
"Let's rent _that one_!" he exclaimed, pointing to the princess.
"Nonsense!" Kendrick told him. "In the first place, she is obviously
the most expensive model. Secondly, she would be too distracting
for you. And, finally, a pretty girl is never as good a worker as a
plain.... We'll take that one." The professor pointed to the dumpiest
and oldest of the women. "How much should I offer to start, Your
Excellency? No sense beginning the bidding too high. We Earthmen aren't
made of money, in spite of what the rest of the Galaxy seems to think."
"A hundred credits is standard," Guj murmured. "However, sir, there is
one problem--have you considered how you are going to communicate with
your maid?"
"Communicate? Are they mutes?"
"No, but very few of these women speak Earth." A look of surprise
flitted over the faces of the servants, vanishing as her royal highness
glared at them.
Kendrick pursed thin lips. "I was under the impression that the Earth
language was mandatory on Uxen."
"Oh, it is; it is, indeed!" Guj said hastily. "However, it is so
hard to teach these backward peasants new ways." One of the backward
peasants gave a loud sniff, which changed to a squeal as she was
honored with a pinch from the hand of royalty. "But you will not betray
us? We are making rapid advances and before long we hope to make Earth
universal."
"Of course we won't," Peter put in, before Kendrick had a chance to
reply. "What's more, I don't see why the Uxenians shouldn't be allowed
to speak their own language."
The princess gave him a dazzling smile. "Moolai Uxen! We must not allow
the beautiful Uxulk tongue to fall into desuetude. Bring back our
lovely language!"
Guj gestured desperately. She tossed her head, but stopped.
"Please, Kendrick," Peter begged, "we've got to buy that one!"
"Certainly not. You can see she's a troublemaker. Do you speak Earth?"
the professor demanded of the maid he had chosen.
"No speak," she replied.