THE AWAKENING
Somehow the interminable hours of the day had at last worn to evening,
and Diana found herself standing in front of a big mirror, listlessly
watching Milling as she bustled round her, putting the last touches to
her dress for the Duchess of Linfield's reception. The same thing had
to be gone through every concert night--the same patient waiting while
the exquisite toilette, appropriate to a _prima donna_, was consummated
by Milling's clever fingers.
Only, this evening, every nerve in Diana's body was quivering in
rebellion.
What was it Olga had said? "_Max is leaving England to-night._" So,
while she was being dressed like a doll for the pleasuring of the
people who had paid to hear her sing, Max was being borne away out of
her ken, out of her existence for ever.
What a farce it all seemed! In a little while she would be singing as
perfectly as usual, bowing and smiling as usual, and not one amongst
the crowded audience would know that in reality it was only the husk of
a woman who stood there before them--the mere outer shell. All that
mattered, the heart and soul of her, was dead. She knew that quite
well. Probably she would feel glad about it in time, she thought,
because when one was dead things didn't hurt any more. It was dying
that hurt. . . .
"Your train, madam."
She started at the sound of Milling's respectful voice. What a
lop-sided thing a civilised sense of values seemed to be! Even when
you had dragged the white robes of your spirit deep in the mire, you
must still be scrupulously careful not to soil the hem of the white
satin that clothed your body.
She almost laughed aloud, then bit the laugh back, picturing Milling's
astonished face. The girl would think she was mad. Perhaps she was.
It didn't matter much, anyway.
Mechanically she held out her arm for Milling to throw the train of her
gown across it, and, picking up her gloves, went slowly downstairs.
Baroni, his face wearing an expression of acute anxiety, was waiting
for her in the hall, restlessly pacing to and fro.
"Ah--h!" His face cleared as by magic when the slender, white-clad
figure appeared round the last bend of the stairway. He had half
feared that at the last moment the strain of the day's emotion might
exact its penalty, and Diana prove unequal to the evening's demands.
To hide his obvious relief, he turned sharply to the maid, who had
followed her mistress downstairs, carrying her opera coat and furs.
"Madame's cloak--make haste!" he commanded curtly.
And when Diana had entered the car, he waved aside the manservant and
himself tucked the big fur rug carefully round her. There was
something rather pathetic, almost maternal, in the old man's care of
her, and Diana's lips quivered.
"Thank you, dear _Maestro_," she said, gently pressing his arm with her
hand.
The Duchess's house was packed with a complacent crowd of people,
congratulating themselves upon being able, for once, to combine duty
and pleasure, since the purchase-money of their tickets for the
evening's entertainment contributed to a well-known charity, and at the
same time procured them the privilege of bearing once more their
favourite singer. Some there were who had grounds for additional
satisfaction in the fact that, under the wide cloak of charity, they
had managed to squeeze through the exclusive portals of Linfield House
for the first--and probably the last--time in their lives.
As the singer made her way through the thronged hall, those who knew
her personally bowed and smiled effusively, whilst those who didn't
looked on from afar and wished they did. It was not unlike a royal
progress, and Diana heaved a quick sigh of relief when at last she
found herself in the quiet of the little apartment set aside as an
artistes' room.
Olga Lermontof was already there, and Diana greeted her rather
nervously. She felt horribly uncertain what attitude Miss Lermontof
might be expected to adopt in the circumstances.
But she need have had no anxiety on that score. Olga seemed to be just
her usual self--grave and self-contained, her thin, dark-browed face
wearing its habitual half-mocking expression. Apparently she had wiped
out the day's happenings from her mind, and had become once more merely
the quiet, competent accompanist to a well-known singer.
There was no one else in the artistes' room. The other performers were
mingling with the guests, only withdrawing from the chattering crowd
when claimed by their part in the evening's entertainment.
"How far on are they?" asked Diana, picking up the programme and
running her eye down it.
"Your songs are the next item but one," replied Miss Lermontof.
A violin solo preceded the two songs which, bracketed together in the
middle of the programme as its culminating point, made the sum total of
Diana's part in it, and she waited quietly in the little anteroom while
the violinist played, was encored and played again, and throughout the
brief interval that followed. She felt that to-night she could not
face the cheap, everyday flow of talk and compliment. She would sing
because she had promised, that she would, but as soon as her part was
done she would slip away and go home--home, where she could sit alone
by the dead embers of her happiness.
A little flutter of excitement rippled through the big rooms when at
last she mounted the platform. People who had hitherto been content to
remain, in the hall, regarding the music as a pleasant accompaniment to
the interchange of the day's news and gossip, now came flocking in
through the doorways, hoping to find seats, and mostly having to
content themselves with standing-room.
Almost as in a dream, Diana waited for the applause to subside, her
eyes roaming halt-unconsciously over the big assembly.
It was all so stalely familiar--the little rustle of excitement, the
preliminary clapping, the settling down to listen, and then the sea of
upturned faces spread out beneath her.
The memory of the first time that she had sung in public, at Adrienne's
house in Somervell Street, came back to her. It had been just such an
occasion as this. . . .
(Olga was playing the introductory bars of accompaniment to her song,
and, still as in a dream, she began to sing, the exquisite voice
thrilling out into the vast room, golden and perfect.)
. . . Adrienne had smiled at her encouragingly from across the room,
and Jerry Leigh had been standing at the far end near some big double
doors. There were double doors to this room, too, flung wide open.
(It was odd how clearly she could recall it all; her mind seemed to be
working quite independently of what was going on around her.) And Max
had been there. She remembered how she had believed him to be still
abroad, and then, how she had looked up and suddenly met his gaze
across those rows and rows of unfamiliar faces. He had come back.
Instinctively she glanced towards the far end of the room, where, on
that other night and in that other room, he had been standing, and
then . . . then . . . was it still only the dream, the memory of long
ago? . . . Or had God worked a miracle? . . . Over the heads of the
people, Max's eyes, grave and tender, but unspeakably sad, looked into
hers!
A hand seemed to grip her heart, squeezing it so that she could not
draw her breath. Everything grew blurred and dim about her, but
through the blur she could still see Max, standing with his head thrown
back against the panelling of the door, his arms folded across his
chest, and his eyes--those grave, questioning eyes--fixed on her face.
Presently the darkness cleared away and she found that she was still
singing--mechanically her voice had answered to the long training of
years. But the audience had heard the great _prima donna_ catch her
breath and falter in her song. For an instant it had seemed almost as
though she might break down. Then the tension passed, and the lovely
voice, upborne by a limitless technique, had floated out again, golden
and perfect as before.
It was only the habit of surpassing art which had enabled Diana to
finish her song. Since last night, when she had seen Max for that
brief moment at the Embassy, she had passed through the whole gamut of
emotion, glimpsed the vision of coming happiness, only to believe that
with her own hands she had pushed it aside. And now she was conscious
of nothing but that Max--Max, the man she loved--was here, close to her
once again, and that her heart was crying out for him. He was hers,
her mate out of the whole world, and in a sudden blinding flash of
self-revelation, she recognised in her refusal to return to him a sheer
denial of the divine altruism of love.
The blank, bewildering chaos of the last twelve hours, with its turmoil
of conflicting passions, took on a new aspect, and all at once that
which had been dark was become light.
From the moment she had learned the truth about her husband, her
thoughts had centred solely round herself, dwelling--in, all humility,
it is true--but still dwelling none the less egotistically upon her
personal failure, her own irreparable mistake, her self-wrought
bankruptcy of all the faith and absolute belief a woman loves to give
her lover. She had thrust these things before his happiness, whereas
the stern and simple creed of love places the loved one first and
everything else immeasurably second.
But now, in this quickened moment of revelation, Diana knew that she
loved Max utterly and entirely, that his happiness was her supreme
need, and that if she let him go from her again, life would be
henceforth a poor, maimed thing, shorn of all meaning.
It no longer mattered that she had sinned against him, that she had
nothing to bring, that she must go to him a beggar. The scales had
fallen from her eyes, and she realised that in love there is no
reckoning--no pitiful making-up of accounts. The pride that cannot
take has no place there; where love is, giving and taking are one and
indivisible.
Nothing mattered any longer--nothing except that Max was here--here,
within reach of the great love in her heart that was stretching out its
arms to him . . . calling him back.
The audience, ardently applauding her first song, saw her turn and give
some brief instruction to her accompanist, who nodded, laying aside the
song which she had just placed upon the music-desk. A little whisper
ran through the assembly as people asked each other what song was about
to be substituted for the one on the programme, and when the sad,
appealing music of "The Haven of Memory," stole out into the room, they
smiled and nodded to one another, pleased that the great singer was
giving them the song in which they loved best to hear her.
Do you remember
Our great love's pure unfolding,
The troth you gave,
And prayed, for God's upholding,
Long and long ago?
Out of the past
A dream--and then the waking--
Comes back to me
Of love, and love's forsaking,
Ere the summer waned.
Ah! Let me dream
That still a little kindness
Dwelt in the smile
That chid my foolish blindness,
When you said good-bye.
Let me remember
When I am very lonely,
How once your love
But crowned and blessed me only,
Long and long ago.
There was no faltering now. The beautiful voice had never been more
touching in its exquisite appeal. All the unutterable sweetness and
humility and faith, the wistful memories, the passion and surrender
that love holds, dwelt in the throbbing notes.
To Max, standing a little apart, the width of the room betwixt him and
the woman singing, it seemed as though she were entreating him . . .
calling to him. . . .
The sad, tender words, poignant with regret and infinite beseeching,
clamoured against his heart, and as the last note trembled into
silence, he turned and made his way blindly out of the room.