When the house was put in order we invited our professional associates
jointly--the city editor and myself and our wives--to come out and see
us. It was not a dress affair. It was a case of pajamas preferred and
boiled shirts common, out under the hot sun in the flat, or lolling
under the oaks in the grove, where we had hard benches to make our
guests appreciate upholstery. There were fifty guests, boys and girls of
all ages, and, Lord, what a time we had! Not that it beat a Hibernian
picnic, because it didn't; but in the pride of your first possession,
to have your daily associates come out and look you over and help you
enjoy it makes owning a house really worth while.
What with getting ready and getting over it, catching up sleep and
massaging aching muscles, that event stands as epochal in the history of
our family. For days the wives worried each other to death about what
they'd have. First, one would suggest ham sandwiches and chicken salad,
and the minute they agreed on that the other would switch in soft crabs
and roast beef. Whether to drink coffee, tea, or lemonade, or all three;
whether to have a modest modicum of malt, whether to make a punch or
just let the guests drink from the air, like trees and flowers--these
were all vexing points, by no means to be settled offhand. And it was
not only one night that I was aroused by dream-talk like this:
"Really, I think lemonade would be nicer--and just a few sandwiches and
coffee and ice cream, and----" The dream trailed off into a weary sigh
that is the closest approach a real lady ever makes to a snore.
Well, it happened. They came by twos and threes, and I toted chairs and
camp stools from the house the three long blocks to the grove. At first
we made conversation with the children--Eleanor and Catherine--and then
our intellectual dean, observing a Catholic institution nearby,
correctly surmised by its mansard slate roof that it was built before
the eighties; it was built in '72. With such mental diversions we killed
time until the managing editor arrived and started a game of duck on the
rock, at which the city editor skinned his shoulder. We ran races, and
the littlest copy reader's legs twinkled with joy over the rough course.
The girls jumped rope and screamed, and it was altogether kid-dish. Then
we ate ham and roast beef sandwiches and drank coffee and cooled our
æsophagi with ice cream and cake chasers. Our member with the porcupine
summit insisted upon singing, and the stenographer played all the
popular things. We gathered at the reservoir, while two of the men and
the healthiest girl ran a marathon around that long mile, and she
finished beautifully. Then we sat on the porch and had our pictures
taken by flashlight.
Somebody burgled That House and moved the parlor furniture and piano
into the dining-room and the dining-room stuff into the parlor. A merry
wit tacked attachments to our houses, the managing editor put an "Open
for Inspection" sign on the city editor's castle and some one stuck a
"For Rent" placard on ours. And then they began leaving, by twos and
threes, and the telephone girl was one of the last to go, lingeringly.
We slept that night--slept the sleep of the properly weary. All sorts of
dreams romped through the long stillness and entertained us. The Duke of
Mont Alto was in one of mine, and he was telling me something about
taxes and water rent. But before his conversation got disagreeable I was
awakened by a racket on the roof.
There's a fool woodpecker that comes there every morning at six o'clock
and tries to drill through the slate. He's after a nest. It must be hard
work. But if he ever gets through I know how he'll feel. He will have
hustled some, but it will have been worth while. Anything is worth
while, friend, if the goal is a nest of your own, where you can have
your friends out and nobody can tell you to keep off the grass or wipe
your feet on the mat--_excepting your wife_!
Not at all apropo of The House, there's a thought I want to get out of
my system. What a lot of braggarts we men are, anyhow--and what a queer
old world it is! There are two classes of people in the world--those who
are doing something worth while and those who are trying to steal the
credit. A modest little hen two or three doors away laid an egg, and in
very few words cackled the event; but you ought to have heard that
insufferable rooster! The moment the thing happened he strutted around
with his chest out, yelling at the top of his voice, drowning out the
whole poultry yard: "Ur-r-r-r, Ur-r-r-r, Ur-r-r-r! I'm the daddy of
another egg!" How much more decent it would have been had he quietly
stood by, preserving his dignity and judicial calm.
Now we'll get back to the story.
I'm sifting top soil to make our garden right, and my wife is doing
wonderful things inside the house with the furniture and fixings. Every
day she turns me around three times and shows me something
new--something marvelous of her handiwork, immensely flattering to me
since it justifies my judgment in the selection of a helpmeet. Every day
the business of buying the house looks more possible and less of a
financial mountain. Why, I can even afford to joke with the Duke, who
asked me what I intended to plant in our front garden against the porch.
"I think," I said, "I'll plant a nice little row of mortgage vines and
let 'em grow up and crawl all over the house. A mortgage vine, Duke, has
flowers on it all the year round, and it's the most homelike thing I
know."
The Duke enjoyed that immensely--but then he can afford to laugh,
because he lives on the other side of the road.
* * * * *
And now the time has come to end this recital of everyday incidents in
the personal affairs of Yours Truly--a humble man of no importance
whatever, who for that reason may be representative of eighty per cent.
of the world's population.
In closing, here is a thought that sticks with me: If I had started to
buy a home when I was married, that home would long ago have been my
clean-title property. If I had started to systematically bank or invest
twenty per cent. of my earnings from the date of my first cub job, I'd
have owned stock in the newspaper that lets me live. If I had to do it
all over again--
Why, Lord bless you, I'd do just as I have done! I'd live the same sort
of life, be just the same profligate fellow with no care for the morrow,
go through just the same sort of trials and troubles and throw them off
with just the same sort of optimism. After all, a fellow isn't capable
of appreciating to the full a little possession until he has gone the
route of silly extravagances and been pulled together by some sudden
impulse to be a better citizen. And listen:
Without the least reflection on the good qualities of other men, the
very best citizen of any community is the man who has married early and
provided a nest of his own--who pays taxes and contributes his share to
the happiness of society at large--who obeys the law and is not ashamed
to be in love with his own wife--who works hard and plays hard, and who
goes fishing.
Enough of That House I Bought. Come out and sit on our porch, and if
there is anything in the larder you may sup with us.