LILITH MEETS WITH A MISFORTUNE.
The next day, leaving a note to inform Charley that I had run home for
a week, I set out for the Moat, carrying with me the best side-saddle I
could find in London.
As I left the inn at Minstercombe in a gig, I saw Clara coming out of a
shop. I could not stop and speak to her, for, not to mention the
opinion I had of her, and the treachery of which I accused her, was I
not at that very moment meditating how best to let her lover know that
she was not to be depended upon? I touched the horse with the whip, and
drove rapidly past. Involuntarily, however, I glanced behind, and saw a
white face staring after me. Our looks encountering thus, I lifted my
hat, but held on my course.
I could not help feeling very sorry for her. The more falsely she had
behaved, she was the more to be pitied. She looked very beautiful with
that white face. But how different was her beauty from that of my
Athanasia!
Having tried the side-saddle upon Lilith, and found all it wanted was a
little change in the stuffing about the withers, I told Styles to take
it and the mare to Minstercombe the next morning, and have it properly
fitted.
What trifles I am lingering upon! Lilith is gone to the worms--no, that
I _do not_ believe: amongst the things most people believe, and I
cannot, that is one; but at all events she is dead, and the saddle gone
to worms; and yet, for reasons which will want no explanation to my one
reader, I care to linger even on the fringes of this part of the web of
my story.
I wandered about the field and house, building and demolishing many an
airy abode, until Styles came back. I had told him to get the job done
at once, and not return without the saddle.
‘Can I trust you, Styles?’ I said abruptly.
‘I hope so, sir. If I may make so bold, I don’t think I was altogether
to blame about that book--’
‘Of course not. I told you so. Never think of it again. Can you keep a
secret?’
‘I can try, sir. You’ve been a good master to me, I’m sure, sir.’
‘That I mean to be still, if I can. Do you know the parish of
Spurdene?’
‘I was born there, sir.’
‘Ah! that’s not so convenient. Do you know the rectory?’
‘Every stone of it, I may say, sir.’
‘And do they know you?’
‘Well, it’s some years since I left--a mere boy, sir.’
‘I want you, then--if it be possible--you can tell best--to set out
with Lilith to-morrow night--I hope it will be a warm night. You must
groom her thoroughly, put on the side-saddle and her new bridle, and
lead her--you’re not to ride her, mind--I don’t want her to get
hot--lead her to the rectory of Spurdene--and-now here is the point--if
it be possible, take her up to the stable, and fasten her by this
silver chain to the ring at the door of it--as near morning as you
safely can to avoid discovery, for she mustn’t stand longer at this
season of the year than can be helped. I will tell you all.--I mean her
for a present to Miss Osborne; but I do not want any one to know where
she comes from. None of them, I believe, have ever seen her. I will
write something on a card, which you will fasten to one of the pommels,
throwing over all this horsecloth.’
I gave him a fine bear-skin I had bought for the purpose. He smiled,
and, with evident enjoyment of the spirit of the thing, promised to do
his best.
Lilith looked lovely as he set out with her late the following night.
When he returned the next morning, he reported that everything had
succeeded admirably. He had carried out my instructions to the letter;
and my white Lilith had by that time, I hoped, been caressed, possibly
fed, by the hands of Mary Osborne herself.
I may just mention that on the card I had written, or rather printed,
the words: ‘To Mary Osborne, from a friend.’
In a day or two I went back to London, but said nothing to Charley of
what I had done--waiting to hear from him first what they said about
it.
‘I say, Wilfrid!’ he cried, as he came into my room with his usual
hurried step, the next morning but one, carrying an open letter in his
hand, ‘what’s this you’ve been doing--you sly old fellow? You ought to
have been a prince, by Jove!’
‘What do you accuse me of? I must know that first, else I might confess
to more than necessary. One must be on one’s guard with such as you.’
‘Read that,’ he said, putting the letter into my hand.
It was from his sister. One passage was as follows:
‘A strange thing has happened. A few mornings ago the loveliest white
horse was found tied to the stable door, with a side-saddle, and a card
on it directed to _me_. I went to look at the creature. It was like the
witch-lady in Christabel, ‘beautiful exceedingly.’ I ran to my father,
and told him. He asked me who had sent it, but I knew no more than he
did. He said I couldn’t keep it unless we found out who had sent it,
and probably not then, for the proceeding was as suspicious as absurd.
To-day he has put an advertisement in the paper to the effect that, if
the animal is not claimed before, it will be sold at the horse-fair
next week, and the money given to the new school fund. I feel as if I
couldn’t bear parting with it, but of course I can’t accept a present
without knowing where it comes from. Have you any idea who sent it? I
am sure papa is right about it, as indeed, dear Charley, he always is.’
I laid down the letter, and, full of mortification, went walking about
the room.
‘Why didn’t you tell me, Wilfrid?’
‘I thought it better, if you were questioned, that you should not know.
But it was a foolish thing to do--very. I see it now. Of course your
father is right. It doesn’t matter though. I will go down and buy her.’
‘You had better not appear in it. Go to the Moat, and send Styles.’
‘Yes--that will be best. Of course it will. When is the fair, do you
know?’
‘I will find out for you. I hope some rascal mayn’t in the mean time
take my father in, and persuade him to give her up. Why shouldn’t I run
down and tell him, and get back poor Lilith without making you pay for
your own?’
‘Indeed you shan’t. The mare is your sister’s, and I shall lay no claim
to her. I have money enough to redeem her.’
Charley got me information about the fair, and the day before it, I set
out for the Moat.
When I reached Minstercombe, having more time on my hands than I knew
what to do with, I resolved to walk round by Spurdene. It would not be
more than ten or twelve miles, and so I should get a peep of the
rectory. On the way I met a few farmer-looking men on horseback, and
just before entering the village saw at a little distance a white
creature--very like my Lilith--with a man on its back, coming towards
me.
As they drew nearer, I was certain of the mare, and, thinking it
possible the rider might be Mr Osborne, withdrew into a thicket on the
road-side. But what was my dismay to discover that it was indeed my
Lilith, but ridden by Geoffrey Brotherton! As soon as he was past, I
rushed into the village, and found that the people I had met were going
from the fair. Charley had been misinformed. I was too late: Brotherton
had bought my Lilith. Half distracted with rage and vexation, I walked
on and on, never halting till I reached the Moat. Was this man destined
to swallow up everything I cared for? Had he suspected me as the
foolish donor, and bought the mare to spite me? A thousand times rather
would I have had her dead. Nothing on earth would have tempted me to
sell my Lilith but inability to feed her, and then I would rather have
shot her. I felt poorer than even when my precious folio was taken from
me, for the lowest animal life is a greater thing than a rare edition.
I did not go to bed at all that night, but sat by my fire or paced
about the room till dawn, when I set out for Minstercombe, and reached
it in time for the morning coach to London. The whole affair was a
folly, and I said to-myself that I deserved to suffer. Before I left, I
told Styles, and begged him to keep an eye on the mare, and, if ever he
learned that her owner wanted to part with her, to come off at once and
let me know. He was greatly concerned at my ill-luck, as he called it,
and promised to watch her carefully. He knew one of the grooms, he
said, a little, and would cultivate his acquaintance.
I could not help wishing now that Charley would let his sister know
what I had tried to do for her, but of course I would not say so. I
think he did tell her, but I never could be quite certain whether or
not she knew it. I wonder if she ever suspected me. I think not. I have
too good reason to fear that she attributed to another the would-be
gift; I believe that, from Brotherton’s buying her, they thought he had
sent her--a present certainly far more befitting his means than mine.
But I came to care very little about it, for my correspondence with her
through Charley, went on. I wondered sometimes how she could keep from
letting her father know: that he did not know I was certain, for he
would have put a stop to it at once. I conjectured that she had told
her mother, and that she, fearing to widen the breach between her
husband and Charley, had advised her not to mention it to him; while
believing it would do both Charley and me good, she did not counsel her
to give up the correspondence. It must be considered, also, that it was
long before I said a word implying any personal interest. Before I
ventured that, I had some ground for thinking that my ideas had begun
to tell upon hers, for, even in her letters to Charley, she had begun
to drop the common religious phrases, while all she said seemed to
indicate a widening and deepening and simplifying of her faith. I do
not for a moment imply that she had consciously given up one of the
dogmas of the party to which she belonged, but there was the
perceptible softening of growth in her utterances, and after that was
plain to me, I began to let out my heart to her a little more.
About this time also I began to read once more the history of Jesus,
asking myself as if on a first acquaintance with it, ‘Could it
be--might it not be that, if there were a God, he would visit his
children after some fashion? If so, is this a likely fashion? May it
not even be the only right fashion?’ In the story I found at least a
perfection surpassing everything to be found elsewhere; and I was at
least sure that whatever this man said must be true. If one could only
be as sure of the record! But if ever a dawn was to rise upon me, here
certainly the sky would break; here I thought I already saw the first
tinge of the returning life-blood of the swooning world. The gathering
of the waters of conviction at length one morning broke out in the
following verses, which seemed more than half given to me, the only
effort required being to fit them rightly together:--
Come to me, come to me, O my God;
Come to me everywhere!
Let the trees mean thee, and the grassy sod,
And the water and the air.
For thou art so far that I often doubt,
As on every side I stare,
Searching within, and looking without,
If thou art anywhere.
How did men find thee in days of old?
How did they grow so sure?
They fought in thy name, they were glad and bold,
They suffered, and kept themselves pure.
But now they say--neither above the sphere,
Nor down in the heart of man,
But only in fancy, ambition, or fear,
The thought of thee began.
If only that perfect tale were true
Which, with touch of sunny gold,
Of the ancient many makes one anew,
And simplicity manifold.
But _he_ said that they who did his word
The truth of it should know:
I will try to do it--if he be Lord,
Perhaps the old spring will flow;
Perhaps the old spirit-wind will blow
That he promised to their prayer;
And doing thy will, I yet shall know
Thee, Father, everywhere!
These lines found their way without my concurrence into a certain
religious magazine, and I was considerably astonished, and yet more
pleased, one evening when Charley handed me, with the kind regards of
his sister, my own lines, copied by herself. I speedily let her know
they were mine, explaining that they had found their way into print
without my cognizance. She testified so much pleasure at the fact, and
the little scraps I could claim as my peculiar share of the contents of
Charley’s envelopes grew so much more confiding that I soon ventured to
write more warmly than hitherto. A period longer than usual passed
before she wrote again, and when she did she took no express notice of
my last letter. Foolishly or not, I regarded this as a favourable sign,
and wrote several letters, in which I allowed the true state of my
feelings towards her to appear. At length I wrote a long letter in
which, without a word of direct love-making, I thought yet to reveal
that I loved her with all my heart. It was chiefly occupied with my
dream on that memorable night--of course without the slightest allusion
to the waking, or anything that followed. I ended abruptly, telling her
that the dream often recurred, but as often as it drew to its lovely
close, the lifted veil of Athanasia revealed ever and only the
countenance of Mary Osborne.
The answer to this came soon and in few words.
‘I dare not take to myself what you write. That would be presumption
indeed, not to say wilful self-deception. It will be honour enough for
me if in any way I serve to remind you of the lady in your dream.
Wilfrid, if you love me, take care of my Charley. I must not write
more.--M.O.’
It was not much, but enough to make me happy. I write it from
memory--every word as it lies where any moment I could read it--shut in
a golden coffin whose lid I dare not open.