Now we shan't be _nearly_ so squeeged, MINNIE! There's nothing
partickler to look at just yet, except kerridges.... It's not the
smallest use telling us to hurry, my good woman, because we can't
move till those in front choose to go on.... Look at the 'arness,
MINNIE--pretty 'arness, ain't it? with their crest on it and all!...
Well, I call it shabby givin' 'em a kerridge without even so much as
a old moke to dror it. I'd ha' done it 'ansome, or not at all.... Lor,
look at the dust on all the furniture--it _will_ want cleanin' up!...
That's a beautiful gong, MINNIE; see, that's the thing they 'it it
with.... Ain't that a comfortable looking chair in red moroccer?
That'll be for the 'all porter to set in, I expect--there's a 'at in
it. Lor no, my dear, it 'ud ha' been a better lookin' 'at than what
that is, if it was one of the presents, depend on it! There's a
weighin' machine.... Fancy goin' and givin' them a thing like that!
Oh, I expect it's for them to weigh theirselves with. Ah, 'ere come
the _Jewels_ now. Now we _shall_ see somethink!... I don't see _our_
present yet, do you, 'ARRIET? There's old Uncle BILL'S. See, that
dimond and pearl necklace. Well, if they ain't gone and put it down
as "Persented by six 'undred and fifty ladies of England!" And the old
man savin' up his screw for weeks for it--he _will_ be 'urt when he
'ears of it! Some bloke's gone and given 'em a pillar-post box. I
thought of sendin' the one at our corner, on'y it wouldn't come out
easy: and what with the copper bein' on his beat--why, I decided I'd
give 'em somethink else.... Walking-sticks? Why, he wouldn't want
more if he was a--a centipede!... I wonder where they'll _put_ all the
things, I'm sure! 'Ullo, a pearl and dimond tiarer, made o' cardboard.
I 'ope they thanked 'im nicely for _that_! Why, that's on'y a model,
like. Well, and a very good model, too, what I call eckernomical....
Look at those _lovely_ toast-racks!... LAVENDER, what a magnificent
old mirror!--Elizabethan, I expect. I wonder who gave _that?_... Oh,
me and 'ARRIET give 'er _that_, mum.... Oh, dear, I wish I was them,
to have all these presents.... Why, my dear, it doesn't matter to
_them_--they have everything lovely as it is!... 'ARRIET, when you
and me git married, we'll 'ave a show of all _our_ presents--not 'ere,
there won't be no room. We'll take the Agricultural 'All, and have a
catalogue and everythink. "Set of Elizabethian sheep's trotters, from
the Hearl of ALAMODE." eh? "Pound of Queen Anne saveloys, from the
Markis o' MILE-END." "Yard o' flypaper, from the Dook o' SHOREDITCH."
"Packet of 'airpins, persented by seven 'underd lydies of Whitechapel."
"Donkey-barrer an' kerridge-rug, from the residents in the Ole Kent
Road." Etceterer ... I do wish you wouldn't go on so foolish! Why, if
someone hain't sent her a set o' straw soles to keep her shoes dry--what
_next_, I wonder!... And a very sensible thing too.... Well, my dear,
I'm sure nothing can't be too good for her, and they've certainly been
set up with every blessing a young couple can require--and may they
live long to enjoy them!
[_And so says Mr. Punch._
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SLAVE TO COURTESY.
_He._ "DO YOU MIND STOPPIN' A BIT NOW. I GET RATHER GIDDY,
DON'TCHERKNOW."
_She._ "BUT IF YOU GET GIDDY, WHY DO YOU COME TO DANCES?"
_He._ "WELL, I'M A BACHELOR AND THAT SORT OF THING, AND IT'S THE ONLY
WAY I CAN SEE OF REPAYIN' HOSPITALITY."]
* * * * *
Parliamentary Declension.
_Nominative_--M.P. "named." _Genitive_--M.P. in possession of the
House. _Dative_--Giving it hot to M.P. _Accusative_--Charge against
M.P. _Vocative_--"O! O!" and (pro-vocative cries). _Ablative_--M.P.
is removed in custody of Serjeant-at-Arms.
* * * * *
The subject of conversation in the presence of Mrs. R. was the
Darlington magistrates' decision in the palmistry case. "Yet,"
remarked our old friend, thoughtfully, "palmistry is very ancient,
and practised professionally by most excellent and good people.
Isn't DAVID always spoken of as 'The Palmist'?"
* * * * *