When Miltoun left Valleys House he walked in the direction of
Westminster. During the five days that he had been back in London he
had not yet entered the House of Commons. After the seclusion of his
illness, he still felt a yearning, almost painful, towards the movement
and stir of the town. Everything he heard and saw made an intensely
vivid impression. The lions in Trafalgar Square, the great buildings of
Whitehall, filled him with a sort of exultation. He was like a man,
who, after a long sea voyage, first catches sight of land, and stands
straining his eyes, hardly breathing, taking in one by one the lost
features of that face. He walked on to Westminster Bridge, and going to
an embrasure in the very centre, looked back towards the towers.
It was said that the love of those towers passed into the blood. It was
said that he who had sat beneath them could never again be quite the
same. Miltoun knew that it was true—desperately true, of himself. In
person he had sat there but three weeks, but in soul he seemed to have
been sitting there hundreds of years. And now he would sit there no
more! An almost frantic desire to free himself from this coil rose
up within him. To be held a prisoner by that most secret of all his
instincts, the instinct for authority! To be unable to wield authority
because to wield authority was to insult authority. God! It was hard!
He turned his back on the towers; and sought distraction in the faces of
the passers-by.
Each of these, he knew, had his struggle to keep self-respect! Or was it
that they were unconscious of struggle or of self-respect, and just let
things drift? They looked like that, most of them! And all his inherent
contempt for the average or common welled up as he watched them. Yes,
they looked like that! Ironically, the sight of those from whom he had
desired the comfort of compromise, served instead to stimulate that part
of him which refused to let him compromise. They looked soft, soggy,
without pride or will, as though they knew that life was too much for
them, and had shamefully accepted the fact. They so obviously needed to
be told what they might do, and which way they should, go; they would
accept orders as they accepted their work, or pleasures: And the thought
that he was now debarred from the right to give them orders, rankled in
him furiously. They, in their turn, glanced casually at his tall figure
leaning against the parapet, not knowing how their fate was trembling in
the balance. His thin, sallow face, and hungry eyes gave one or two of
them perhaps a feeling of interest or discomfort; but to most he was
assuredly no more than any other man or woman in the hurly-burly. That
dark figure of conscious power struggling in the fetters of its own
belief in power, was a piece of sculpture they had neither time nor
wish to understand, having no taste for tragedy—for witnessing the human
spirit driven to the wall.
It was five o'clock before Miltoun left the Bridge, and passed, like an
exile, before the gates of Church and State, on his way to his uncle's
Club. He stopped to telegraph to Audrey the time he would be coming
to-morrow afternoon; and on leaving the Post-Office, noticed in
the window of the adjoining shop some reproductions of old Italian
masterpieces, amongst them one of Botticelli's 'Birth of Venus.' He had
never seen that picture; and, remembering that she had told him it was
her favourite, he stopped to look at it. Averagely well versed in
such matters, as became one of his caste, Miltoun had not the power of
letting a work of art insidiously steal the private self from his soul,
and replace it with the self of all the world; and he examined this
far-famed presentment of the heathen goddess with aloofness, even
irritation. The drawing of the body seemed to him crude, the whole
picture a little flat and Early; he did not like the figure of the
Flora. The golden serenity, and tenderness, of which she had spoken,
left him cold. Then he found himself looking at the face, and slowly,
but with uncanny certainty, began to feel that he was looking at the
face of Audrey herself. The hair was golden and different, the eyes grey
and different, the mouth a little fuller; yet—it was her face; the same
oval shape, the same far-apart, arched brows, the same strangely tender,
elusive spirit. And, as though offended, he turned and walked on. In
the window of that little shop was the effigy of her for whom he had
bartered away his life—the incarnation of passive and entwining love,
that gentle creature, who had given herself to him so utterly, for whom
love, and the flowers, and trees, and birds, music, the sky, and the
quick-flowing streams, were all-sufficing; and who, like the goddess
in the picture, seemed wondering at her own existence. He had a sudden
glimpse of understanding, strange indeed in one who had so little power
of seeing into others' hearts: Ought she ever to have been born into
a world like this? But the flash of insight yielded quickly to that
sickening consciousness of his own position, which never left him now.
Whatever else he did, he must get rid of that malaise! But what could he
do in that coming life? Write books? What sort of books could he write?
Only such as expressed his views of citizenship, his political and
social beliefs. As well remain sitting and speaking beneath those
towers! He could never join the happy band of artists, those soft and
indeterminate spirits, for whom barriers had no meaning, content-to
understand, interpret, and create. What should he be doing in that
galley? The thought was inconceivable. A career at the Bar—yes, he might
take that up; but to what end? To become a judge! As well continue to
sit beneath those towers! Too late for diplomacy. Too late for the Army;
besides, he had not the faintest taste for military glory. Bury himself
in the country like Uncle Dennis, and administer one of his father's
estates? It would be death. Go amongst the poor? For a moment he thought
he had found a new vocation. But in what capacity—to order their lives,
when he himself could not order his own; or, as a mere conduit pipe for
money, when he believed that charity was rotting the nation to its core?
At the head of every avenue stood an angel or devil with drawn sword.
And then there came to him another thought. Since he was being cast
forth from Church and State, could he not play the fallen spirit like
a man—be Lucifer, and destroy! And instinctively he at once saw himself
returning to those towers, and beneath them crossing the floor; joining
the revolutionaries, the Radicals, the freethinkers, scourging his
present Party, the party of authority and institutions. The idea struck
him as supremely comic, and he laughed out loud in the street....
The Club which Lord Dennis frequented was in St. James's untouched by
the tides of the waters of fashion—steadily swinging to its moorings in
a quiet backwater, and Miltoun found his uncle in the library. He was
reading a volume of Burton's travels, and drinking tea.
“Nobody comes here,” he said, “so, in spite of that word on the door, we
shall talk. Waiter, bring some more tea, please.”
Impatiently, but with a sort of pity, Miltoun watched Lord Dennis's
urbane movements, wherein old age was, pathetically, trying to make
each little thing seem important, if only to the doer. Nothing his
great-uncle could say would outweigh the warning of his picturesque old
figure! To be a bystander; to see it all go past you; to let your sword
rust in its sheath, as this poor old fellow had done! The notion of
explaining what he had come about was particularly hateful to Miltoun;
but since he had given his word, he nerved himself with secret anger,
and began:
“I promised my mother to ask you a question, Uncle Dennis. You know of
my attachment, I believe?”
Lord Dennis nodded.
“Well, I have joined my life to this lady's. There will be no scandal,
but I consider it my duty to resign my seat, and leave public life
alone. Is that right or wrong according to, your view?”
Lord Dennis looked at his nephew in silence. A faint flush coloured his
brown cheeks. He had the appearance of one travelling in mind over the
past.
“Wrong, I think,” he said, at last.
“Why, if I may ask?”
“I have not the pleasure of knowing this lady, and am therefore somewhat
in the dark; but it appears to me that your decision is not fair to
her.”
“That is beyond me,” said Miltoun.
Lord Dennis answered firmly:
“You have asked me a frank question, expecting a frank answer, I
suppose?”
Miltoun nodded.
“Then, my dear, don't blame me if what I say is unpalatable.”
“I shall not.”
“Good! You say you are going to give up public life for the sake of your
conscience. I should have no criticism to make if it stopped there.”
He paused, and for quite a minute remained silent, evidently searching
for words to express some intricate thread of thought.
“But it won't, Eustace; the public man in you is far stronger than the
other. You want leadership more than you want love. Your sacrifice will
kill your affection; what you imagine is your loss and hurt, will prove
to be this lady's in the end.”
Miltoun smiled.
Lord Dennis continued very dryly and with a touch of malice:
“You are not listening to me; but I can see very well that the process
has begun already underneath. There's a curious streak of the Jesuit in
you, Eustace. What you don't want to see, you won't look at.”
“You advise me, then, to compromise?”
“On the contrary, I point out that you will be compromising if you try
to keep both your conscience and your love. You will be seeking to have,
it both ways.”
“That is interesting.”
“And you will find yourself having it neither,” said Lord Dennis
sharply.
Miltoun rose. “In other words, you, like the others, recommend me to
desert this lady who loves me, and whom I love. And yet, Uncle, they say
that in your own case——”
But Lord Dennis had risen, too, having lost all the appanage and manner
of old age.
“Of my own case,” he said bluntly, “we won't talk. I don't advise you to
desert anyone; you quite mistake me. I advise you to know yourself. And
I tell you my opinion of you—you were cut out by Nature for a statesman,
not a lover! There's something dried-up in you, Eustace; I'm not sure
there isn't something dried-up in all our caste. We've had to do with
forms and ceremonies too long. We're not good at taking the lyrical
point of view.”
“Unfortunately,” said Miltoun, “I cannot, to fit in with a theory of
yours, commit a baseness.”
Lord Dennis began pacing up and down. He was keeping his lips closed
very tight.
“A man who gives advice,” he said at last, “is always something of a
fool. For all that, you have mistaken mine. I am not so presumptuous as
to attempt to enter the inner chamber of your spirit. I have merely told
you that, in my opinion, it would be more honest to yourself, and fairer
to this lady, to compound with your conscience, and keep both your
love and your public life, than to pretend that you were capable of
sacrificing what I know is the stronger element in you for the sake of
the weaker. You remember the saying, Democritus I think: 'each man's
nature or character is his fate or God'. I recommend it to you.”
For a full minute Miltoun stood without replying, then said:
“I am sorry to have troubled you, Uncle Dennis. A middle policy is no
use to me. Good-bye!” And without shaking hands, he went out.