To a woman like Audrey Noel, born to be the counterpart and complement
of another,—whose occupations and effort were inherently divorced
from the continuity of any stiff and strenuous purpose of her own, the
uprooting she had voluntarily undergone was a serious matter.
Bereaved of the faces of her flowers, the friendly sighing of her
lime-tree, the wants of her cottagers; bereaved of that busy monotony of
little home things which is the stay and solace of lonely women, she was
extraordinarily lost. Even music for review seemed to have failed her.
She had never lived in London, so that she had not the refuge of old
haunts and habits, but had to make her own—and to make habits and haunts
required a heart that could at least stretch out feelers and lay hold of
things, and her heart was not now able. When she had struggled with her
Edwardian flat, and laid down her simple routine of meals, she was as
stranded as ever was, convict let out of prison. She had not even
that great support, the necessity of hiding her feelings for fear of
disturbing others. She was planted there, with her longing and grief,
and nothing, nobody, to take her out of herself. Having wilfully
embraced this position, she tried to make the best of it, feeling it
less intolerable, at all events, than staying on at Monkland, where she
had made that grievous, and unpardonable error—falling in love.
This offence, on the part of one who felt within herself a great
capacity to enjoy and to confer happiness, had arisen—like the
other grievous and unpardonable offence, her marriage—from too much
disposition to yield herself to the personality of another. But it was
cold comfort to know that the desire to give and to receive love had
twice over left her—a dead woman. Whatever the nature of those immature
sensations with which, as a girl of twenty, she had accepted her
husband, in her feeling towards Miltoun there was not only abandonment,
but the higher flame of self-renunciation. She wanted to do the best
for him, and had not even the consolation of the knowledge that she
had sacrificed herself for his advantage. All had been taken out of her
hands! Yet with characteristic fatalism she did not feel rebellious. If
it were ordained that she should, for fifty, perhaps sixty years, repent
in sterility and ashes that first error of her girlhood, rebellion was,
none the less, too far-fetched. If she rebelled, it would not be in
spirit, but in action. General principles were nothing to her; she lost
no force brooding over the justice or injustice of her situation, but
merely tried to digest its facts.
The whole day, succeeding Courtier's visit, was spent by her in the
National Gallery, whose roof, alone of all in London, seemed to offer
her protection. She had found one painting, by an Italian master, the
subject of which reminded her of Miltoun; and before this she sat for a
very long time, attracting at last the gouty stare of an official. The
still figure of this lady, with the oval face and grave beauty, both
piqued his curiosity, and stimulated certain moral qualms. She, was
undoubtedly waiting for her lover. No woman, in his experience, had ever
sat so long before a picture without ulterior motive; and he kept his
eyes well opened to see what this motive would be like. It gave him,
therefore, a sensation almost amounting to chagrin when coming round
once more, he found they had eluded him and gone off together without
coming under his inspection. Feeling his feet a good deal, for he had
been on them all day, he sat down in the hollow which she had left
behind her; and against his will found himself also looking at the
picture. It was painted in a style he did not care for; the face of the
subject, too, gave him the queer feeling that the gentleman was being
roasted inside. He had not been sitting there long, however, before
he perceived the lady standing by the picture, and the lips of the
gentleman in the picture moving. It seemed to him against the rules, and
he got up at once, and went towards it; but as he did so, he found that
his eyes were shut, and opened them hastily. There was no one there.
From the National Gallery, Audrey had gone into an A.B.C. for tea, and
then home. Before the Mansions was a taxi-cab, and the maid met her with
the news that 'Lady Caradoc' was in the sitting-room.
Barbara was indeed standing in the middle of the room with a look on her
face such as her father wore sometimes on the racecourse, in the hunting
field, or at stormy Cabinet Meetings, a look both resolute and sharp.
She spoke at once:
“I got your address from Mr. Courtier. My brother is ill. I'm afraid
it'll be brain fever, I think you had better go and see him at his rooms
in the Temple; there's no time to be lost.”
To Audrey everything in the room seemed to go round; yet all her senses
were preternaturally acute, so that she could distinctly smell the mud
of the river at low tide. She said, with a shudder:
“Oh! I will go; yes, I will go at once.”
“He's quite alone. He hasn't asked for you; but I think your going is
the only chance. He took me for you. You told me once you were a good
nurse.”
“Yes.”
The room was steady enough now, but she had lost the preternatural
acuteness of her senses, and felt confused. She heard Barbara say: “I
can take you to the door in my cab,” and murmuring: “I will get ready,”
went into her bedroom. For a moment she was so utterly bewildered that
she did nothing. Then every other thought was lost in a strange, soft,
almost painful delight, as if some new instinct were being born in her;
and quickly, but without confusion or hurry, she began packing. She put
into a valise her own toilet things; then flannel, cotton-wool, eau de
Cologne, hot-water bottle, Etna, shawls, thermometer, everything she had
which could serve in illness. Changing to a plain dress, she took up the
valise and returned to Barbara. They went out together to the cab. The
moment it began to bear her to this ordeal at once so longed-for and so
terrible, fear came over her again, so that she screwed herself into the
corner, very white and still. She was aware of Barbara calling to the
driver: “Go by the Strand, and stop at a poulterer's for ice!” And, when
the bag of ice had been handed in, heard her saying: “I will bring you
all you want—if he is really going to be ill.”
Then, as the cab stopped, and the open doorway of the staircase was
before her, all her courage came back.
She felt the girl's warm hand against her own, and grasping her valise
and the bag of ice, got out, and hurried up the steps.