THE HONORABLE MEMBER IS CLEARLY OUT OF ORDER.
Mr. Ayrton met his daughter the next morning with the good news that
he had found among his specimen cases of phrases, one that would
effectually silence the member from Wales who had been nominated by the
Nonconformist Eastern Missionary Society to put that question to the
minister of the Annexation Department on the subject of Mr. Courtland,
the explorer. Mr. Ayrton was the better pleased at his discovery,
because of the inoffensive nature of the phrase which he had taken out
of its case, so to speak. As a rule, he did not mind being offensive if
only his phrase was apt. Only people who had no artistic appreciation
found fault with the tone of some of his most notable phrases. He did
not mind whether they were just or unjust, they said. As if a man can be
both honest and witty at the same time!
It so happened, however, that the party to which Mr. Ayrton belonged had
become greatly concerned in respect of an element that had just come to
the surface to still further complicate the course of politics. This was
the Nonconformist Conscience--hitherto a _quantite negligeable_ in the
calculations of the leaders, but now one that it appeared absolutely
necessary to take into account as a factor. To be sure, there were a
good many people who put their tongues in their cheeks when any mention
was made of the Nonconformist Conscience: they said it was no more to be
taken seriously than the Spector on the Brocken or the Athanasian Creed.
It was only the trick of an electioneering agent desirous of escaping
from an untenable position.
There were other persons, however (mostly Nonconformists), who were
found ready to declare that the Nonconformist Conscience was a Great and
Living Truth. The only point upon which statesmen of all parties were
agreed was that it was worth purchasing. The Nonconformists themselves,
upon whom the Great and Living Truth was sprung, had no notion at first
that it could be turned into a negotiable security occupying as high a
place in the market as, say, Argentine bonds. But it did not take them
very long to find out that even an abstraction such as this could be
turned to good account by discreet maneuvering. Truth sometimes is heard
on an election platform, and yet truth is but an abstract quality. Why,
then should not a Great and Living Truth become a regular gold mine to
its inventor? It was as great an invention as the art of electroplating,
which it closely resembled, and a quite as nice thing could be made out
of it by a little dexterous manipulation. If the conscience is silver,
the Nonconformist Conscience is at least electroplate of a first-class
quality, it was argued; and a political manifesto, which was practically
a financial prospectus, was issued with a view of floating the
Nonconformist Conscience Company, Limited.
English politics cannot by any possibility be regarded as an exact
science; and thus it was that all political parties were at this time
making bids for shares in the enterprise. The leaders of one party, in
fact, expressed themselves ready to buy up the whole concern, and they
actually tendered bills payable at twelve months for all the vendors’
interest, and it was only when these bills became due and were returned
dishonored that the shadowy character of the transaction was made plain,
and the country was convulsed at the disclosure of the fact that the
vendors had disposed of a perfectly worthless invention, and that the
purchasers had paid for it by promises that were equally worthless.
All this happened later, however; when the fuss was made about
the atrocities by an explorer in New Guinea, and Mr. Ayrton was
contemplating a counter question that should cast ridicule upon the
missionaries and their champion, he was given to understand by the
leaders of his party, who, it was believed, had a small parcel of
baronetcies done up in official twine, with blank spaces for the name
and address in each, awaiting distribution at the first change of
Government, that he must take no step that might jeopardize the
relations of the party with the vendors of the Nonconformists
Conscience. The _Spiritual Aneroid_ was the leading Nonconformist organ,
and it would not do to sneer at the missionaries whom it supported. It
would be better that all the explorers who had ever risked their lives
on behalf of civilization should go by the board than that a single vote
should be lost to the party, he was assured by the Senior Whip.
This was rather irritating to the artist in phrases; because it stood to
reason that the majority of his phrases were calculated to be hurtful
to his opponents. He was thus quite elated when he came upon something
which would, he felt sure, call comment in the press at the expense
of the member from Wales without casting any slight upon Nonconformist
Missionary enterprise.
He read out the thing to his daughter, and he was surprised to find that
she was not appreciative of its unique charm. This was rather too bad,
he felt, considering that it was she who had enlisted his services in
this particular matter.
“I don’t think Mr. Courtland wants anybody to take his part in
Parliament or out of it,” said she. “And that’s why I think it would be
better to let that Mr. Apthomas ask his question without interruption.
What can the Minister of Annexation say except that he has no
information on the subject, and that if he had he could not interfere,
as he had no jurisdiction on the Fly River?”
“That is what he will reply as a matter of course,” said her father.
“But that will not prevent the newspapers that are on the side of Wales
and the missionaries from saying what they please in the way of comment
on the atrocities in New Guinea.”
“Mr. Courtland will not mind whatever they may say,” cried Phyllis.
“That was the view I took of the matter in regard to Mr. Courtland’s
attitude when you mentioned it to me at first,” said he. “I didn’t
suppose that he was the man to be broken down because some foolish paper
attacks him; but you were emphatic in your denunciation of the injustice
that would be liable to be done if--”
“Oh, I had only spoken for about half an hour to Mr. Courtland then,”
said Phyllis. “I think I know him better now.”
“Yes, you have spoken with him for another half hour; you therefore
know him twice as well as you did,” remarked her father. “I wonder if he
admitted to you having done all that he was accused of doing.”
He saw in a moment from the little uneasy movement of her eyes that he
had made an excellent guess at the general result of the conversation
at Mrs. Linton’s little lunch. He had not yet succeeded in obtaining any
details from his daughter regarding her visit to Ella. She had merely
told him that Ella had kept her to lunch, and that Mr. Courtland had
been there also.
“Yes. I do believe that he admitted everything,” he continued, with
a laugh as he thought how clever he was. (He had frequent reasons for
laughing that laugh.)
“No,” said Phyllis doubtfully; “he did not admit everything.”
“There was some reservation? Perhaps it was melinite that he employed
for the massacre of the innocents of New Guinea, not dynamite.”
“No; it was dynamite. But the natives had stolen it from his steam
launch and they exploded it themselves.”
Mr. Ayrton lay back in his chair convulsed with laughter.
“And that is the true story of the dynamite massacre?” he cried. “That
is how it comes that, in the words of the _Aneroid_, the works of
evangelization on Nonconformist principles is likely to be retarded
for some time? The missionaries are quite right too. And what about his
miracles--they suggested a miracle, didn’t they?”
“Oh, that was some foolishness about setting spirits of wine on fire,”
said Phyllis. “The natives thought that it was water, you know.”
Mr. Ayrton laughed more heartily than before.
“That is the crowning infamy,” he cried. “My dear Phyllis, it would be
quite impossible to allow so delicious a series of missionary muddles to
pass unnoticed. I think I see my way clearly in the matter.”
She knew that he did. She knew that he regarded most incidents in the
political world merely as feeders to his phrase-making capacity. She
knew that it would be impossible to repress him now in the matter of
Courtland and the missionaries; she fully realized the feelings of
Frankenstein.
Only the weakest protest did she make against her father’s intended
action; and thus when the day came for Mr. Apthomas’ question,
that gentleman from Wales inquired, “If Her Majesty’s Minister for
Annexations could give the House any information regarding the so-called
explorations of Mr. Herbert Courtland in the island of New Guinea,
particularly in respect of a massacre of natives by dynamite in the
region of the Fly River; and if it was true that the gentleman just
named had permitted himself to be worshiped as a god by the aborigines
of another region; and if Her Majesty’s Minister for Domestic Affairs
was prepared to say that it was legal for one of Her Majesty’s subjects
to assume the privileges and functions of a god, and if the First Lord
of the Treasury was prepared to communicate to the House what course,
if any, Her Majesty’s government meant to adopt with a view to the
prevention of similar outrages in the same region in the future?”
Mr. Ayrton rose before the Minister of the Annexation Department had
quite concluded his yawn, and said he trusted that he was in order
(cries of “Yes, yes,” from those members who knew that the honorable
member had an enlivening phrase which he wanted to get rid of) in
inquiring, in connection with the same subject, if the right honorable
gentleman could inform the House if there was any truth in the
report current in financial and other circles that the object of the
explorations of Mr. Herbert Courtland was the discovery of a small
mammal of the porcine tribe, and if one of the Law Officers of the
Crown was prepared to assure the House that it would be contrary to the
provisions of the Companies Act, and the Companies Act Amendment Act,
to permit this New Guinea pig to assume the functions of the director of
Limited Liability Companies, whose directorate was largely composed
of members of both Houses of Parliament (great laughter from honorable
gentlemen who were aware that the Mr. Apthomas had no income beyond
the remuneration he received as a director of companies); and if Her
Majesty’s Minister for Agriculture was prepared to state that it was the
intention of Her Majesty’s Government to prohibit the introduction of,
at any rate the males of the mammals just referred to, considering the
rapid increase in representative assemblies of the English or Welsh
bore----(Great laughter, which prevented the concluding words of the
sentence being audible in the gallery.)
THE SPEAKER: Order! order! The honorable member for Hazelborough must
confine himself strictly to the issued raised by the honorable gentleman
from Wales. The honorable member for Hazelborough is only permitted
to follow the honorable gentleman from Wales by the indulgence of the
House.
MR. AYRTON: Sir, I bow to the ruling of the chair, and will continue by
inquiring if Her Majesty’s Minister for the Public Worship Department
can state to the House if it is true that a newspaper published within
the Principality of Wales recently made the announcement that the
honorable member who had just made inquiries regarding the exploration
of Mr. Herbert Courtland, was the idol of his constituents [Laughter,
and cries of “Order!”], and if the right honorable gentleman is prepared
to state that the provisions of the Idolatry Act are--
THE SPEAKER: The honorable member is clearly out of order. The question
of idolatry in Wales is not at present before the House.
MR. AYRTON: Sir, I give notice that next session I shall move a
resolution regarding idolatry in the Principality of Wales [Laughter and
cheers.]
The minister for Annexation was about to rise when
MR. MUDLARKY (Ballynamuck) asked if the introduction of the guinea pigs
would be prejudicial to the interests of the higher and nobler Irish
animal who, he would remind the Minister for Public Worship, was not to
be confounded with the herd whose example was clearly emulated by the
present government in seeking self-destruction by running down a steep
place into the sea. (Cries of “Order, order!”) If there was any doubt
before, the honorable member continued, as to the influence which was at
work in that Gadarene herd, which assumed the functions of Her Majesty’s
government, the sounds that now came from the Treasury Benches would
convince even the most skeptical that sacred history is sometimes
repeated by profane, but he could not compliment the devils, who had the
bad taste to--(Several honorable members here rose amid the cheers of
the Irish Members, and a scene of confusion took place.)
THE SPEAKER [sternly]: Order, Order! The honorable member from
Ballynamuck must resume his seat. He is out of order. The question
before the House is not the good taste of demoniac visitants. I call
upon the right honorable gentleman, the Minister for the Department of
Annexation.
MR. McCULLUM (Blairpukey Burghs): Mr. Speaker, one moment. To save time,
will the right honorable gentleman say if the Highland Crofters, whose
land was stolen from them in order that the members of the Upper House--
THE SPEAKER: Order! The Minister for the Department of Annexation.
MR. BLISTER (Battersea, Mid): Mr. Speaker, though I don’t do any work
myself, I’m the representative of labor, only those contemptible skunks,
the workingmen, don’t see that they have a man for a leader--a
man, that’s me--that’s Joe Blister. And as the Upper House has been
introduced, I’ll run, eat, or swear with the best of that lot of
tap-room loafers; I’ll do anything but fight them--except, of course, on
a labor platform, and if--
THE SPEAKER: The honorable member is out of order. The Minister for the
Department of Annexations.
THE MINISTER FOR ANNEXATIONS: No, sir; I have no information [Cheers and
laughter.]
The House then went into Committee of Supply.