_Of the Trick that Guzman played upon a Captain and a Lawyer, who came
to dine at the Ambassador’s without having been invited._
Nothing afforded my master more pleasure than seeing his genteel
acquaintance at his table; and he was often willing even to tolerate
parasites, provided their wit compensated for their entertainment; but
he was always much vexed at the appearance of the latter, when it so
happened that he had a select party to dine with him. This being the
case, you may well conceive that it was not without considerable pain
that he saw two of these hangers-on enter his room one day, when he
expected the French Ambassador and other persons of distinction to dine
with him. One of these was a Captain, and the other a Lawyer, neither of
whom wanted merit in his own line, but as they could talk on no other
subject but their respective professions, they had become quite a
nuisance in the house.
The Ambassador could not help bowing as he saw them enter, of which,
however, they took not the slightest notice; and so far from taking
their leave after this cold reception, they seemed determined to stay,
and joined the rest of the company accordingly. My master looked at me,
and I understood in an instant that it would not displease him if I
could in any way divert the company at the expense of these gentlemen.
Thus then I set about it.
You must be informed, in the first place, that the Lawyer, who was a
grave, formal man, had a pair of huge whiskers, of which he took such
particular care, that he scarcely dared even to smile for fear of
discomposing them. I observed that he often took a sly peep at them with
great delight, in a little mirror which he drew out of his pocket with
his handkerchief, pretending all the while to be blowing his nose.
Having taken particular notice of this manœuvre of his, I waited
patiently until the dessert was placed on the table, when the
conversation becoming lively, I soon had an opportunity of putting my
plan in execution. I then went up to the Captain and whispered something
to him which made him laugh. He answered me in the same tone, and so I
continued laughing and whispering with him for a considerable time,
always taking pains to look at the Lawyer, to make him think that we
were talking of him. At length, when I thought it was time, I assumed a
more serious air, and said aloud, as if still continuing the
conversation, “No, no, Captain, I am your most humble servant, but I
protest I can take no part in this joke, the respect that I owe my
master, and his friend the Lawyer, will not permit me to take such a
liberty.”
“What’s the matter, Guzman?” said my master, hearing this. “Truly, sir,”
answered I, “the Captain can tell you better than I. He has been
cracking jokes upon the Lawyer’s whiskers for some time past, and now
wishes me to amuse the company with them.” “Come, come, Guzman,” said
the French Ambassador, “let us know the whole of it.” “Since my master
and you command it,” said I, “it is my duty to tell you. The Captain has
been informing me that Mr. Lawyer keeps a wench to comb and dye his
whiskers every morning, that they may not turn grey, and always sleeps
on his back for fear of rumpling them. In short he has been amusing me
on this subject for this quarter of an hour, trying to persuade me to
repeat the jokes as though they were of my own invention; but it is not
for a boy like me to rally so venerable a personage in this manner.”
The Captain, instead of denying what I asserted, laughed heartily, and
all the company followed his example, without knowing whether I spoke
truth or falsehood. The Lawyer hesitated for some moments how to take
the joke; but not being able any longer to withstand the noble Captain’s
immoderate laughter, “Rascal,” said he, in a rage, “you have good cause,
truly, to rally me upon my age, you who boast of your services under
Charles V. whom you never saw but in a picture! But I degrade myself by
putting myself in comparison with a man of your stamp.” “Very fine, Mr.
Lawyer,” interrupted the Captain, growing warm, “you forget the company
we are in. Were I not more reasonable than you,”----“More reasonable!”
cried the Lawyer in his turn, “why there is not a greater fool on the
face of the earth.” The Captain had now entirely lost all temper, and
would doubtless have answered his friend the Lawyer by throwing one of
the plates at his head, had not the company interfered, and appeased
them both. Neither of them, however, ventured to come to the house
again; and thus I freed my master of two other most troublesome guests.