Mrs. King was very anxious about Alfred for many hours after this visit
from the Curate, for he was continually crying, not violently, but the
tears flowing quietly from his eyes as he lay, thinking. Sometimes it
was the badness of the faults as he saw them now, looking so very
different from what they did when they were committed in the carelessness
of fun and high spirits, or viewed afterwards in the hardening light of
self-justification. Now they did look so wantonly hard and rude--unkind
to his sister, ruinous to Harold, regardless of his widowed mother,
reckless of his God--that each one seemed to cut into him with a sense of
its own badness, and he was quite as much grieved as afraid; he hated the
fault, and hated himself for it.
Indeed, he was growing less afraid, for the sorrow seemed to swallow that
up; the grief at having offended One so loving was putting out the terror
of being punished; or rather, when he thought that this illness was
punishment, he was almost glad to have some of what he deserved; just as
when he was a little boy, he really used to be happier afterwards for
having been whipped and put in the corner, because that was like making
it up. Though he knew very well that if he had ten thousand times worse
than this to bear, it would not be making up for his faults, and he felt
now that one of them had been his 'despising the chastening of the Lord.'
And then the thought of what had made up for it would come: and though he
had known of it all his life, and heeded it all too little, now that his
heart was tender, and he had felt some of the horror and pain of sin, he
took it all home now, and clung to it. He recollected the verses about
that One kneeling--nay, falling on the ground, in the cold dewy night,
with the chosen friends who could not watch with Him, and the agony and
misery that every one in all the world deserved to feel, gathering on
Him, Who had done no wrong, and making His brow stream with great drops
of Blood.
And the tortures, the shame, the slow Death--circumstance after
circumstance came to his mind, and 'for me,' 'this fault of mine helped,'
would rise with it, and the tears trickled down at the thought of the
suffering and of the Love that had caused it to be undergone.
Once he raised up his head, and saw through the window the deep dark-blue
sky, and the stars, twinkling and sparkling away; that pale band of
light, the Milky Way, which they say is made of countless stars too far
off to be distinguished, and looking like a cloud, and on it the larger,
brighter burnished stars, differing from one another in glory. He
thought of some lines in a book Miss Jane once gave Ellen, which said of
the stars:
'The Lord resigned them all to gain
The bliss of pardoning thee.'
And when he thought that it was the King of those stars Who was scourged
and spit on, and for the sake of _his_ faults, the loving tears came
again, and he turned to another hymn of Ellen's:
'Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee!'
And going on with this, he fell into a more quiet sleep than he had had
for many nights.
Alfred had worked up his mind to a point where it could not long remain;
and when he awoke in the morning, the common affairs of the day occupied
him in a way that was not hurtful to him, as the one chief thought was
ever present, only laid away for a time, and helping him when he might
have been fretful or impatient.
He was anxious for Mr. Cope, and grateful when he saw him coming early in
the day. Mr. Cope did not, however, say anything very new. He chiefly
wished to shew Alfred that he must not think all his struggle with sin
over, and that he had nothing to do but to lie still and be pardoned.
There was much more work, as he would find, when the present strong
feeling should grow a little blunt; he would have to keep his will bent
to bear what was sent by God, and to prove his repentance by curing
himself of all his bad habits of peevishness and exacting; to learn, in
fact, to take up his cross.
Alfred feebly promised to try, and it did not seem so difficult just
then. The days were becoming cooler, and he did not feel quite so ill;
and though he did not know how much this helped him, it made it much
easier to act on his good resolutions. Miss Selby came to see him, and
was quite delighted to see him looking so much less uncomfortable and
dismal.
'Why, Alfred,' said she, 'you must be much better.'
Ellen looked mournful at this, and shook her head so that Miss Jane
turned her bright face to her in alarm.
'No, Ma'am,' said Alfred. 'Dr. Blunt says I can never get over it.'
'And does that make you glad?' almost gasped Miss Jane.
'No, Ma'am,' said Alfred; 'but Mr. Cope has been talking to me, and made
it all so--'
He could not get out the words; and, besides, he saw Miss Jane's eyes
winking very fast to check the tears, and Ellen's had begun to rain down
fast.
'I didn't mean to be silly,' said little Jane, in rather a trembling
voice; 'but I'm sorry--no--I'm glad you are happy and good, Alfred.'
'Not good, Miss Jane,' cried Alfred; 'I'm such a bad boy, but there are
such good things as I never minded before--'
'Well then, I think you'll like what I've brought you,' said Jane
eagerly.
It was a little framed picture of our Blessed Lord on His Cross, all
darkness round, and the Inscription above His Head; and Miss Jane had
painted, in tall Old English red letters, under it the two words, 'For
me.'
Alfred looked at it as if indeed it would be a great comfort to him to be
always reminded by the eye, of how 'He was wounded for our
transgressions, and bruised for our iniquities.'
He thanked Miss Jane with all his heart, and she and Ellen soon found a
place to hang it up well in his sight. It was a pretty bright sight to
see her insisting on holding the nail for it, and then playfully
pretending to shrink and fancy that Ellen would hammer her fingers.
Alfred could enjoy the sunshine of his sick-room again; and Ellen and his
mother down-stairs told Miss Selby, with many tears, of the happy change
that had come over him ever since he had resigned himself to give up
hopes of life. Mrs. King looked so peaceful and thankful, that little
Jane could hardly understand what it was that made her so much more at
rest.
Even Ellen, though her heart ached at the hope having gone out, and left
a dark place where it had been, felt the great relief from hour to hour
of not being fretted and snarled at for whatever she either did or left
undone. Thanks and smiles were much pleasanter payment than groans,
murmurs, and scoldings; and the brother and sister sometimes grew quite
cheerful and merry together, as Alfred lay raised up to look over the
hedge into the harvest-field across the meadow, where the reaper and his
wife might be seen gathering the brown ears round, and cutting them with
the sickle, and others going after to bind them into the glorious wheat
sheaves that leant against each other in heaps of blessed promise of
plenty.
Paul tried reaping; but the first thing he did was to make a terrible cut
in his hand, which the shuffler told him was for good luck! Some of the
women in the field bound it up, but he was good for nothing after it
except going after the cattle, and so he was likely to lose all the
chance of earning himself any better clothes in harvest-time.
Harold grumbled dreadfully that his mother could not spare him to go
harvesting beyond their own tiny quarter of an acre of wheat. The post
made it impossible for him to go out to work like the labourers; and
besides, his mother did not think he had gained much good in hay-time,
and wished to keep him from the boys.
Very hard he thought it; and to hear him grumble, any one would have
thought Mrs. King was a tyrant far worse than Farmer Shepherd, working
the flesh off his bones, taking away the fun and the payment alike.
The truth was, that the morning when Harold threw away from him the
thought of his brother's danger, and broke all his promises to him in the
selfish fear of a rebuke from the clergyman, had been one of the turning-
points of his life, and a turning-point for the bad. It had been a
hardening of his heart, just as it had begun to be touched, and a letting
in of evil spirits instead of good ones.
He became more than ever afraid of Mr. Cope, and shirked going near him
so as to be spoken to; he cut Ellen off short if she said a word to him,
and avoided being with Alfred, partly because it made him melancholy,
partly because he was afraid of Alfred's again talking to him about the
evil of his ways. In reality, his secret soul was wretched at the
thought of losing his brother; but he tried to put the notion away from
him, and to drown it in the noisiest jokes and most riotous sports he
could meet with, keeping company with the wildest lads about the parish.
That Dick Royston especially, whose honesty was doubtful, but who, being
a clever fellow, was a sort of leader, was doing great harm by setting
his face against the new parson, and laughing at the boys who went to
him. Mrs. King was very unhappy. It was almost worse to think of Harold
than of his sick brother; and Alfred grieved very much too, and took to
himself the blame of having made home miserable to Harold, and driven him
into bad company; of having been so peevish and unpleasant, that it was
no wonder he would not come near him more than could be helped; and above
all, of having set a bad example of idleness and recklessness, when he
was well. If the tears were brought into his eyes at first by some
unkind neglect of Harold's, they were sure to end in this thought at
last; and then the only comfort was, that Mr. Cope had told him that he
might make his sick-bed very precious to his brother's welfare, by
praying always for him.
Mr. Cope had talked it over with Mrs. King; and they had agreed that as
Harold was under the regular age for Confirmation, and seemed so little
disposed to prepare for it in earnest, they would not press it on him. He
was far from fit for it, and he was in such a mood of impatient
irreverence, that Mr. Cope was afraid of making his sin worse by forcing
serious things on him, and his mother was in constant fear of losing her
last hold on him.
Yet Harold was not a bad or unfeeling boy by nature; and if he would but
have paused to think, he would have been shocked to see how cruelly he
was paining his widowed mother and dying brother, just when he should
have been their strength and stay.
One afternoon in October, when Alfred was in a good deal of pain, Mr.
Blunt said he would send out some cooling ointment for the wound at the
joint, when Harold took the evening letters into Elbury. Alfred reckoned
much on the relief this was to give, and watched the ticks of the clock
for the time for Harold to set off.
'Make haste,' were the last words his mother spoke--and Harold fully
meant to make haste; nor was it weather to tempt him to stay long, for
there was a chill raw fog hanging over the meadows, and fast turning into
rain, which hung in drops upon his eyebrows, and the many-tiered cape of
his father's box-coat, which he always wore in bad weather. It was
fortunate he was likely to meet nothing, and that he and the pony both
knew the road pretty well.
How fuzzy the grey fog made the lamps of the town look! Did they disturb
the pony? What a stumble! Ha! there's a shoe off. Be it known that it
was Harold's own fault; he had not looked at the shoes for many a
morning, as he knew it was his duty to do.
He left Peggy with her ears back, much discomposed at being shod in a
strange forge, and by any one but Bill Saunders.
Then Harold was going to leave his bag at the post-office, when, as he
turned up the street, some one caught hold of him, and cried, 'Ho! Harold
King on foot! What's the row? Old pony tumbled down dead?'
'Cast a shoe,' said Harold.
'Oh, jolly, you'll have to wait!' went on Dick Royston. 'Come in here!
Here's such a lark!'
Harold looked into a court-yard belonging to a low public-house, and saw
what was like a tent, with a bright red star on a blue ground at the end,
lighted up. A dark figure came between, and there was a sudden crack
that made Harold start.
'It's the unique (he called it eu-ni-quee) royal shooting-gallery,
patronized by his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales,' (what a story!)
said Dick. 'You've only to lay down your tin; one copper for three
shots, and if you hit, you may take your choice--gingerbread-nuts, or
bits of cocoa-nut, or, what's jolliest, lollies with gin inside 'em!
Come, blaze away! or ha'n't you got the money? Does Mother keep you too
short?'
If there was a thing Harold had a longing for, it was to fire off a gun!
If there was a person he envied more than another, it was old Isaac
Coffin, when he prowled up and down Farmer Ledbitter's fields with an old
blunderbuss and some powder, to keep off the birds!
To be sure it was a public-house, but it was not inside one! And Mother
would call it gambling. Oh, but it wasn't cards or skittles! And if he
shot away his half-pence, how should he pay for the shoeing of the pony?
The blacksmith might trust him, or the clerk at the post-office would
lend him the money, or Betsey Hardman. And the time? One shot would not
waste much! Pony must be shod. Besides, Dick and all the rest would say
he was a baby.
He paid the penny, threw aside his cap, and took the gun, though after
all it was only a sham one, and what a miss he made! What business had
every one to set up that great hoarse laugh? which made him so angry that
he had nearly turned on Dick and cuffed him for his pains.
However, he was the more bent on trying again, and the owner of the
gallery shewed him how to manage better. He hit anything but the middle
of the star, and just saw how he thought he might hit next time. Next
time was barely a miss, so that the man actually gave him a gin-drop to
encourage him. That made him mad to meet with real success; but it was
the turn of another 'young gent,' as the man called him, and Harold had
to stand by, with his penny in his hand, burning with impatience, and
fancying he could mend each shot of that young gent, and another, and
another, and another, who all thrust in to claim their rights before him.
His turn came at last; and so short and straight was the gallery, that he
really did hit once the side of the star, and once the middle, and thus
gained one gingerbread-nut, and three of the gin-drops.
It would have been his nature to share them with Alfred, but he could not
do so without saying where he had been, and that he could not do, so he
gave one to Dick, and swallowed the rest to keep out the cold.
Just then the town clock struck six, and frightened him. He had been
there three-quarters of an hour. What would they say at the post-office?
The clerk looked out of his hole as angry as clerk could look. 'This
won't do, King,' he said. 'Late for sorting! Fine, remember--near an
hour after time.'
'Pony cast a shoe, Sir,' said Harold. He had never been so near a
downright falsehood.
'Whew! Then I suppose I must not report you this time! But look out!
You're getting slack.'
No time this for borrowing of the clerk. Harold was really frightened,
for he _had_ dawdled much more than he ought of late, and though he
sometimes fancied himself sick of the whole post business, a complaint to
his mother would be a dreadful matter. It put everything else out of his
head; and he ran off in great haste to get the money from Betsey Hardman,
knocking loud at her green door.
What a cloud of steamy heat the room was, with the fire glowing like a
red furnace, and five black irons standing up before it; and
clothes-baskets full of heaps of whiteness, and horses with vapoury webs
of lace and cambric hanging on them; and the three ironing-boards, where
smoothness ran along with the irons; and the heaps of folded clothes; and
Betsey in her white apron, broad and red in the midst of her maidens!
'Ha! Harold King! Well, to be sure, you are a stranger! Don't come
nigh that there hoss; it's Mrs. Parnell's best pocket-handkerchiefs, real
Walencines!' (she meant Valenciennes.) 'If you'll just run up and see
Mother, I'll have it out of the way, and we'll have a cup of tea.'
'Thank you, but I--'
'My! What a smoke ye're in! Take care, or I shall have 'em all to do
over again. Go up to Mother, do, like a good lad.'
'I can't, Betsey; I must go home.'
'Ay! that's the way. Lads never can sit down sensible and comfortable!
it's all the same--'
'I wanted,' said Harold, interrupting her, 'to ask you to lend me
sixpence. Pony's cast a shoe, and I had to leave her with the smith.'
'Ay? Who did you leave her with?'
'The first I came to, up in Wood Street.'
'Myers. Ye shouldn't have done that. His wife's the most stuck-up proud
body I ever saw--wears steel petticoats, I'll answer for it. You should
have gone to Charles Shaw.'
'Can't help it,' said Harold. 'Please, Betsey, let me have the sixpence;
I'll pay you faithfully to-morrow!'
'Ay! that's always the way. Never come in unless ye want somewhat.
'Twasn't the way your poor father went on! He'd a civil word for every
one. Well, and can't you stop a minute to say how your poor brother is?'
'Much the same,' said Harold impatiently.
'Yes, he'll never be no better, poor thing! All decliny; as I says to
Mother, what a misfortune it is upon poor Cousin King! they'll all go
off, one after t'other, just like innocents to the slaughter.'
This was not a cheerful prediction; and Harold petulantly said he must
get back, and begged for the sixpence. He got it at last, but not till
all Betsey's pocket had been turned out; and finding nothing but
shillings and threepenny-bits, she went all through her day's expenses
aloud, calling all her girls to witness to help her to account for the
sixpence that ought to have been there.
Mrs. Brown had paid her four and sixpence--one florin and a
half-crown--and she had three threepenny-pieces in her pocket, and
twopence. Then Sally had been out and got a shilling's-worth of soap,
and six-penn'orth of blue, and brought home one shilling; and there was
the sausages--no one could recollect what they had cost, though they
talked so much about their taste; and five-pence-worth of red-herrings,
and the butter; yes, and threepence to the beggar who said he had been in
Sebastopol. Harold's head was ready to turn round before it was all
done; but he got away at last, with a scolding for not going up to see
Mother.
Home he trotted as hard as the pony would go, holding his head down to
try to bury nose and mouth in his collar, and the thick rain plastering
his hair, and streaming down the back of his neck. What an ill-used
wretch was he, said he to himself, to have to rattle all over the country
in such weather!
Here was home at last. How comfortable looked the bright light, as the
cottage door was thrown open at the sound of the horse's feet!
'Well, Harold!' cried Ellen eagerly, 'is anything the matter?'
'No,' he said, beginning to get sulky because he felt he was wrong; 'only
Peggy lost a shoe--'
'Lame?'
'No, I took her to the smith.'
'Give me Alfred's ointment, please, before you put her up. He is in such
a way about it, and we can't put him to bed--'
'Haven't got it.'
'Not got it! O Harold!'
'I should like to know how to be minding such things when pony loses a
shoe, and such weather! I declare I'm as wet--!' said Harold angrily, as
he saw his sister clasp her hands in distress, and the tears come in her
eyes.
'Is Harold come safe?' called Mrs. King from above.
'Is the ointment come?' cried Alfred, in a piteous pain-worn voice.
Harold stamped his foot, and bolted to the stable to put the pony away.
'It's not come,' said Ellen, coming up-stairs, very sadly.
'He has forgot it.'
'Forgot it!' cried Alfred, raising himself passionately. 'He always does
forget everything! He don't care for me one farthing! I believe he
wants me dead!'
'This is very bad of him! I didn't think he'd have done it,' said Mrs.
King sorrowfully.
'He's been loitering after some mischief,' exclaimed Alfred. 'Taking his
pleasure--and I must stay all this time in pain! Serve him right to send
him back to Elbury.'
Mrs. King had a great mind to have done so; but when she looked at the
torrents of rain that streamed against the window, and thought how wet
Harold must be already, and of the fatal illnesses that had been begun by
being exposed to such weather, she was afraid to venture a boy with such
a family constitution, and turning back to Alfred, she said, 'I am very
sorry, Alfred, but it can't be helped; I can't send Harold out in the
rain again, or we shall have him ill too.'
Poor Alfred! it was no trifle to have suffered all day, and to be told
the pain must go on all night. His patience and all his better thoughts
were quite worn away, and he burst into tears of anger and cried out that
it was very hard--his mother cared for Harold more than for him, and
nobody minded it, if he lay in such pain all night.
'You know better than that, dear,' said his poor mother, sadly grieved,
but bearing it meekly. 'Harold shall go as soon as can be to-morrow.'
'And what good will that be to-night?' grumbled Alfred. 'But you always
did put Harold before me. However, I shall soon be dead and out of your
way, that's all!'
Mrs. King would not make any answer to this speech, knowing it only made
him worse. She went down to see about Harold, an additional offence to
Alfred, who muttered something about 'Mother and her darling.'
'How can you, Alfred, speak so to Mother?' cried Ellen.
'I'm sure every one is cross enough to me,' returned Alfred.
'Not Mother,' said Ellen. 'She couldn't help it.'
'She won't send Harold out again, though; I'm sure I'd have gone for
him.'
'You don't know what the rain was,' said Ellen.
'Well, he should have minded; but you're all against me.'
'You'll be sorry by-and-by, Alfred; this isn't like the way you talk
sometimes.'
'Some one else had need to be sorry, not me.'
Perhaps, in the midst of his captious state, Alfred was somewhat pacified
by hearing sounds below that made him certain that Harold was not
escaping without some strong words from his mother.
They were not properly taken. Harold was in no mood of repentance, and
the consciousness that he had been behaving most unkindly, only made him
more rough and self-justifying.
'I can't help it! I can't be a slave to run about everywhere, and
remember everything--pony losing her shoe, and nigh tumbling down with
me, and Ross at the post so cross for nothing!'
'You'll grieve at the way you have used your poor brother one of these
days, Harold,' quietly answered his mother, so low, that Alfred could not
hear through the floor. 'Now, you'll please to go to bed.'
'Ain't I to have no supper?' said Harold in a sullen voice, with a great
mind to sit down in the chimney-corner in defiance.
'I shall give you something hot when you are in bed. If I treated you as
you deserve, I should send you to Mr. Blunt's this moment; but I can't
afford to have you ill too, so go to bed this moment.'
His mother could still master him by her steadiness and he went up,
muttering that he'd no notion of being treated like a baby, and that he
would soon shew her the difference: he wasn't going to be made a slave to
Alfred, and 'twas all a fuss about that stuff!
He did fancy he said his prayers; but they could not have been real ones,
for he was no softer when his mother came to his bedside with a great
basin of hot gruel. He said he hated such nasty sick stuff, and grunted
savagely when, with a look that ought to have gone to his heart, she
asked if he thought he deserved anything better.
Yet she did not know of the shooting gallery, nor of his false excuses.
If he had not been deceiving her, perhaps he might have been touched.
'Well, Harold,' she said at last, after taking the empty basin from him,
and picking up his wet clothes and boots to dry them by the fire, 'I hope
as you lie there you'll come to a better mind. It makes me afraid for
you, my boy. It is not only your brother you are sinning against, but if
you are a bad boy, you know Who will be angry with you. Good-night.'
She lingered, but Harold was still hard, and would neither own himself
sorry, nor say good-night.
When she passed his bed at the top of the stairs again, after hanging up
the things by the fire, he had his head hidden, and either was, or
feigned to be, asleep.
Alfred's ill-temper was nearly gone, but he still thought himself
grievously injured, and was at no pains to keep himself from groaning and
moaning all the time he was being put to bed. In fact, he rather liked
to make the most of it, to shew his mother how provoking she was, and to
reproach Harold for his neglect.
The latter purpose he did not effect; Harold heard every sound, and
consoled himself by thinking what an intolerable work Alfred was making
on purpose. If he had tried to bear it as well as possible, his brother
would have been much more likely to be sorry.
Alfred was thinking too much about his misfortunes and discomforts to
attend to the evening reading, but it soothed him a little, and the pain
was somewhat less, so he did fall asleep, so uneasily though, that Mrs.
King put off going to bed as late as she could.
It was nearly eleven, and Ellen had been in bed a long time, when Alfred
started, and Mrs. King turned her head, at the click of the wicket gate,
and a step plashing on the walk. She opened the little window, and the
gust of wet wind puffed the curtains, whistled round the room, and almost
blew out the candle.
'Who's there?
'It's me, Mrs. King! I've got the stuff,' called a hoarse tired voice.
'Well, if ever! It's Paul Blackthorn!' exclaimed Mrs. King. 'Thank ye
kindly. I'll come and let you in.'
'Paul Blackthorn!' cried Alfred. 'Been all the way to Elbury for me! O
Mother, bring him up, and let me thank him! But how ever did he know?'
The tears came running down Alfred's cheeks at such kindness from a
stranger. Mrs. King had hurried down-stairs, and at the threshold stood
a watery figure, holding out the gallipot.
'Oh! thank you, thank you; but come in! Yes, come in! you must have
something hot, and get dried.'
Paul shambled in very foot-sore. He looked as if he were made of moist
mud, and might be squeezed into any shape, and streams of rain were
dropping from each of his many rags.
'Well, I don't know how to thank you--such a night! But he'll sleep easy
now. How did you come to think of it?'
'I was just coming home from the parson's, and I met Harold putting up
Peggy, in a great way because he'd forgotten. That's all, Missus,' said
Paul, looking shamefaced. 'Good-night to you.'
'No, no, that won't do. I must have you sit down and get dry,' said Mrs.
King, nursing up the remains of the fire; and as Paul's day-garments
served him for night-gear likewise, he could hardly help accepting the
invitation, and spreading his chilled hands to the fire.
As to Mrs. King's feelings, it must be owned that, grateful as she was,
it was rather like sitting opposite to the heap in the middle of Mr.
Shepherd's farm-yard.
'Would you take that?' she said, holding out a three-penny piece. 'I'd
make it twice as much if I could, but times are hard.'
'No, no, Missus, I didn't do it for that,' said Paul, putting it aside.
'Then you must have some supper, that I declare.'
And she brought out a slice of cold bacon, and some bread, and warmed
some beer at the fire. She would go without bacon and beer herself to-
morrow, but that was nothing to her. It was a real pleasure to see the
colour come into Paul's bony yellow cheeks at the hearty meal, which he
could not refuse; but he did not speak much, for he was tired out, and
the fire and the beer were making him very sleepy.
Alfred rapped above with the stick that served as a bell. It was to beg
that Paul would come and be thanked; and though Mrs. King was a little
afraid of the experiment, she did ask him to walk up for a moment.
Grunt went he, and in rather an unmannerly way, he said, 'I'd rather
not.'
'Pray do,' said Mrs. King; 'I don't think Alfred will sleep easy without
saying thank you.'
So Paul complied, and in a most ungainly fashion clumped up-stairs and
stood at the door. He had not forgotten his last reception, and would
not come a step farther, though Alfred stretched out his hand and begged
him to come in.
Alfred could say only 'Thank you, I never thought any one would be so
kind.'
And Paul made gruff reply, 'Ye're very welcome,' turned about as if he
were running away, and tumbled down-stairs, and out of the house, without
even answering Mrs. King's 'Good-night.'
Harold had wakened at the sounds. He heard all, but he chose to seem to
be asleep, and, would you believe it? he was only the more provoked!
Paul's exertion made his neglect seem all the worse, and he was
positively angry with him for 'going and meddling, and poking his nose
where he'd no concern. Now he shouldn't be able to get the stuff
to-morrow, and so make it up; and of course mother would go and dock
Paul's supper out of his dinner!'
If such reflections were going on upon one side of the partition, there
were very different thoughts upon the other. The stranger's kindness had
done more than relieve Alfred's pain: the warm sense of thankfulness had
softened his spirit, and carried off his selfish fit. He knew not how
kind people were to him, and how ungrateful he had been to punish his
innocent mother and sister, and so much to magnify a bit of
thoughtlessness on Harold's part; to be angry with his mother for not
driving him out when she thought it might endanger his health and life,
and to say such cruel things on purpose to wound her. Alfred felt
himself far more cruel than he had even thought Harold.
And was this his resolution? Was this the shewing the sincerity of his
repentance through his conduct in illness? Was this patience? Was it
brotherly love? Was it the taking up the cross so as to bear it like his
Saviour, Who spoke no word of complaining, no murmur against His
tormentors?
How he had fallen! How he had lost himself! It was a bitter distress,
and threw him almost into despair. He prayed over and over to be
forgiven, and began to long for some assurance of pardon, and for
something to prevent all his right feelings and wishes from thus seeming
to slip away from his grasp at the first trial.
He told his mother how sorry he was; and she answered, 'Dear lad, don't
fret about it. It was very hard for you to bear, and you are but
learning, you see, to be patient.'
'But I'm not learning if I don't go on no better,' sighed Alfred.
'By bits you are, my boy,' she said; 'you are much less fractious now
than you used to be, only you could not stand this out-of-the-way trial.'
Alfred groaned.
'Do you remember what our Saviour said to St. Peter?' said his mother;
'"Whither I go thou canst not follow Me now, but thou shalt follow Me
afterwards." You see, St. Peter couldn't bear his cross then, but he
went on doing his best, and grieving when he failed, and by-and-by he did
bear it almost like his Master. He got to be made strong out of
weakness.'
There was some comfort to Alfred in this; but he feared, and yet longed,
to see Mr. Cope, and when he came, had scarcely answered his questions as
to how he felt, before he said, 'O Sir, I've been a bad boy again, and so
cross to them all!'
'O Sir,' said Ellen, who could not bear for him to blame himself, 'I'm
sure it was no wonder--he's so distracted with the pain, and Harold
getting idling, and forgetting to bring him the ointment. Why, even that
vagabond boy was so shocked, that he went all the way to Elbury that very
night for it. I told Alfred you'd tell him that anybody would be put
out, and nobody would think of minding what he said.'
'Nobody, especially so kind a sister,' said Mr. Cope, smiling; 'but that
is not what Alfred is thinking of.'
'No, Sir,' said Alfred; 'their being so good to me makes it all the
worse.'
'I quite believe so; and you are very much disappointed in yourself.'
'Oh yes, Sir, just when I wanted to be getting patient, and more like--'
and his eyes turned to the little picture, and filled with tears.
Mr. Cope said somewhat of what his mother had said that he was but a
scholar in patience, and that he must take courage, though he had
slipped, and pray for new strengthening and refreshing to go on in the
path of pain his Lord had hallowed for him.
Perhaps the words reminded Alfred of the part of the Catechism where they
occur, for he said, 'Oh, I wish I was confirmed! If I could but take the
Holy Sacrament, to make me stronger, and sure of being forgiven--'
'You shall--before--' said Mr. Cope, speaking eagerly, but becoming
choked as he went on. 'You are one whom the Church would own as ready
and desirous to come, though you cannot be confirmed. You should at
once--but you see I am not yet a priest; I have not the power to
administer the Holy Communion; but I trust I shall be one in the spring,
and then, Alfred--Or if you should be worse, I promise you that I would
bring some one here. You shall not go without the Bread of Life.'
Alfred felt what he said to the depths of his heart, but he could not say
anything but 'Thank you, Sir.'
Mr. Cope, still much moved, laid his hand upon that of the boy. 'So,
Alfred, we prepare together. As I hope and long to prepare myself to
have that great charge committed to me, which our Saviour Christ gave to
His Apostles; so you prepare for the receiving of that Bread and that Cup
which will more fully unite you to Him, and join your suffering to what
He bore for you.'
'How shall I, Sir?' murmured Alfred.
'I will do my best to shew you,' said Mr. Cope; 'but your Catechism tells
you best. Think over that last answer.'
Alfred's face lighted sweetly as he went over it. 'Why, that's what I
can't help doing, Sir; I can't forget my faults, I'm so afraid of them;
and I'm sure I do want to lead a new life, if I didn't keep on being so
bad; and thinking about His dying is the best comfort I have. Nor I'm
sure I don't bear ill-will to nobody, only I suppose it is not charity to
run out at poor Mother and Ellen when one's put out.'
'Perhaps that is what you want to learn,' said Mr. Cope, 'and to get all
these feelings deepened, and more earnest and steadfast. If the long
waiting does that for you, it will be good, and keep you from coming
lightly to the Holy Feast.'
'Oh, I could not do that!' exclaimed Alfred. 'And may I think that all
my faults will be taken away and forgiven?'
'All you repent of, and bring in faith--'
'That is what they say at church in the Absolution,' said Alfred
thoughtfully.
'Rather it is what the priest says to them,' said Mr. Cope; 'it is the
applying the promise of forgiveness that our Saviour bought. I may not
yet say those words with authority, Alfred, but I should like to hope
that some day I may speak them to you, and bring rest from the weight at
your heart.'
'Oh! I hope I may live to that!' said Alfred.
'You shall hear them, whether from me or from another,' said Mr. Cope,
'that is, if God will grant us warning. But you need not fear, Alfred,
if you thoroughly repent, and put your full faith in the great Sacrifice
that has been offered for your sins and the sins of all the world. God
will take care of His child, and you already have His promise that He
will give you all that is needful for your salvation.'