* * * * *
Knock, and the world knocks with you;
Boost, and you boost alone!
When you roast good and loud
You will find that the crowd
Has a hammer as big as your own!
* * * * *
"How did you cure your boy of swearing?"
"By the laying on of hands, principally."
* * * * *
"Ma, what is a Panama man called?"
"A Panaman, Johnny."
"Then what is a Panama woman?"
"If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a
plain Panama."
* * * * *
He who courts and goes away,
May court again another day;
But he who weds and courts girls still
May go to court against his will.
* * * * *
A notice at a small depot near Manchester reads:
"Passengers are requested to cross over the railway by the
subway."
This reminds us of the oft-quoted notice put up at the ford of an
Irish river:
"When this board is under water the river is unpassable."
* * * * *
Mary had a little lamb,
But she thought it was immense:
With new green peas and other things
It cost her ninety cents.
* * * * *
LITTLE WILLIE--Papa, why does the railway company have those
cases with the ax and saw in every car?
FATHER--I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to
open a window.
* * * * *
The kerosene can on the mantel reposes,
Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire,
And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is,
This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher.
* * * * *
"He seems to have gone to the bad completely."
"Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep
sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim."
* * * * *
As he walked with baby
He had to confess
That marriage with him
Was a howling success.
* * * * *
THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged
to?
THE WIFE--Fifteen.
THE SPINSTER--My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen
nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid.
* * * * *
Seven little missionaries--
Horrible their fate--
Cannibals picked clean their bones
Then they were ate.
* * * * *
JUDGE--You are charged with profanity.
PRISONER--I am not.
JUDGE--You are, sir. What do you mean?
PRISONER--I was, but I got rid of it.
* * * * *
"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried,
Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem
You really ought to try and hide
Your lack of self-esteem."
* * * * *
"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with
something to eat?"
"Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady.
* * * * *
Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)--It's merely a
suggestion--the woodpile is in the back yard.
Tramp--You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile!
* * * * *
Said she, "How beautiful is nature!"
Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;"
Then, added, as he viewed her complexion,
"And art is quite beautiful, too."
* * * * *
"How to make your trousers last,"
"Make your coat and waistcoat first."
* * * * *
The stork is a bird with a great big bill;
He brings us the babies whenever he will;
Then comes the doctor, and when he is through,
You find that he has a big bill, too.
* * * * *
"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted
solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school
graduate."
Clarence shuddered.
"Oh, well," he rejoined, after the manner of one resigned to his
fate, "we can board."
* * * * *
If t-o-u-g-h spells tough,
And d-o-u-g-h spells dough,
Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff?
Or, simply snow?
* * * * *
THE WIFE (savagely)--Don't let me catch you flirting.
THE HUSBAND (meekly)--No, dear, never again. That's the way you
did catch me, you know!
* * * * *
He called her an angel before they were wed,
But that, alas! didn't endure.
For ere many months had passed over his head,
He wished that she was one for sure.
* * * * *
Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)--"I remember your face
perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me."
The Young Woman--"I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago.
I am married now."
* * * * *
"These verses make no sense," said she;
"I can't tell what they mean."
"Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he,
"In any magazine."
* * * * *
THE BARBER--Did I ever shave you before?
THE VICTIM--Yes, once.
THE BARBER--I don't remember your face.
THE VICTIM--No; I suppose not. It's all healed up now.
* * * * *
They say the baby looks like me,
A circumstance I dreaded,
But the only likeness I can see
Is that we're both bald-headed.
* * * * *
"Do you think the things one eats have a direct effect on one's
disposition?"
"Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often at our house
that everybody got savage."
* * * * *
"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club."
"That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip."
* * * * *
Bluff a little, bluff a little
As you go your way;
Bluffing may not always help you--
Many times it may.
Bluff a little, bluff a little;
Men may rail at you--
But you'll see by watching closely
That they're bluffing, too.
* * * * *
The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet
his customers half weigh.
* * * * *
A queen was she--the beautiful maid--
Beauty or wealth she did not lack--
But the game was euchre that Cupid played,
And the Queen was won by a Jack.
* * * * *
"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a
good deal?"
"Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay
two years!"
* * * * *
"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
"I'm going to cut the corn," she said.
"Can I go with you, my pretty maid?"
"You're no chiropodist," she said.
* * * * *
MEDIUM--Do you believe in spirits?
BUSYMAN (off guard)--When taken in moderation, yes.
* * * * *
"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring
friend.
"Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near
having a French count for a son-in-law."
* * * * *
The fate of Lot's wife
Was all her own fault;
She first turned to "rubber,"
And then turned to salt.
* * * * *
I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and
was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the
rest of us sit down.
I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the
weak."
* * * * *
He used to send her roses;
He sent them every hour,
But now they're married and he sends
Her home a cauliflower.
* * * * *
JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had
was a peach.
TOM--That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I
let the beer settle.
* * * * *
Her face was happy,
His face was stern;
Her hand was in his'n,
His'n was in her'n.
* * * * *
JACK--"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time."
FRED--"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never
misses a dime."
* * * * *
A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It
required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop,
pawned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he met a
friend, to whom he sold the pawn ticket for $1.50. That gave him
$3. Now, who's out that dollar?
* * * * *
"Is a howling dog a sign of death?"
Said Doolittle to Dunn.
"Of course it is, if the dog will wait
Until I get my gun."
* * * * *
"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had
half a dozen offers before yours."
"Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I
proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you."
* * * * *
There was a young woman named Hannah,
Who put on a great many airs,
She stepped on a peel of banana,
And now she's laid up for repairs.
* * * * *
"What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the
English tourist.
"Field labor," answered the native American.
"Is that a fact?" queried the Englishman, who was inclined to be
a bit skeptical.
"Sure," replied the other. "You ought to see the salaries our
baseball players get."
* * * * *
This life's a game of chance, they say:
The saw's more sad than witty,
The public gathers 'round to play,
The trust controls the "kitty."
* * * * *
GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me.
HAROLD--What was that you wrote to her the last time?
GEORGE--All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised
you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same.
Yours, George."
* * * * *
Now comes the question which will make
This life a bitter cup....
How many hoopskirts will it take
To fill a trolley car up?
* * * * *
"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland
commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near
Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed
and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I saw a
couple of large rats just escaping into their hole. I dressed and
went down to the office and put in a big kick. The clerk was as
serene as a summer's breeze.
"'I'll fix that, all right, sir,' he said. 'Front! Take a cat to
23 at once.'"
* * * * *
A recent school examination in England elicited the following
definitions:
"Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water,"
wrote another, "is composed of two gases, oxygen and cambrigen."
"Lava," replied a third youth, "is what the barber puts on your
face." "A blizzard," insisted another child, "is the inside of a
fowl."
* * * * *
"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the
lawyer.
"Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit.
"Then he might change his mind and want to marry me."
* * * * *
"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't
know"----
"That's no lie," interrupted her husband.
"But," continued the alleged better half of the combination,
"that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are."
* * * * *
"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming
here to board."
"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend
our table and"----
"Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist
and wants to increase his reach."
* * * * *
An English motorist is quoted as saying that he classed
pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the
way and those who didn't.
* * * * *
"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas
gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are
awfully small."
"Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they
were any larger they'd be all out of proportion to the size of
your ears."
* * * * *
Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met
at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure,
it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said
Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine healthy
bhoy which the neighbors say is the very picture of me." Moran
looked for a moment at Murphy, who was not, to say the least,
remarkable for his good looks, and then said, "Och, well, what's
the harum so long as the child's healthy?"
* * * * *
A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love,
entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you
suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully at
her blushing face.
"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?"
was the low, embarrassed, reply.
* * * * *
"When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the
ashes, feeding the cat and six kittens, and making the beds,"
remarked the observer of events and things, "of course he is too
busy to hear his daughter in the parlor, singing: 'Everybody
Works but Father.'"
* * * * *
"I assured her I could support her in the style she was
accustomed to."
"Well?"
"She said she was looking for something better than that."
* * * * *
"Do you believe in transmigration of souls?"
"Well," answered the man who never admits that he doesn't know
everything, "I wouldn't recommend it as a regular practice."
* * * * *
"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as
he feels"----
"Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make the mistake of
thinking they are as young as they think they feel."
* * * * *
At a West End hotel one of the party asked:
"Have you got any celery, waiter?"
"No, sir," was the significant answer; "I relies on me tips."
* * * * *
YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs?
CRIMSONBEAK--No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were
dead.
* * * * *
A dude from St. Louis named Crute
Had a habit of saying, "Oh, shoot!"
He said it one day
To a man in Ouray,
And that was the finish of Crute.
* * * * *
"How is your house heated?"
"By hot air."
"Hot air?"
"Yes--the landlord's."
* * * * *
"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent
to market.
"Large or small head?" asked the grocer.
"Oh, about 7 1-4," said the man, absent-mindedly.
* * * * *
"I'll pass the butter," said he, while trying to pass the
browsing goat.
"I'll butt the passer," said the goat, as he helped him over the
fence.
* * * * *
"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's
trying hard not to be proud?"
"Why shouldn't he be proud?"
"Well, pride goes before a fall, you know."
* * * * *
"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish
him from the common herd."
"No?"
"No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all
autos smell alike to him."--_Puck._
* * * * *
"Why did you insist on only $99,000 a year as your salary?"
"Because," answered the high financier, "as soon as people hear a
hundred thousand mentioned they get suspicious. It is better to
keep the figure marked down a little."
* * * * *
Tom--I kissed her when she wasn't looking.
Clara--What did she do?
Tom--Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening.
* * * * *
Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient
jest of Borem's?
Wise--In self-defense.
Jenks--in self-defence?
Wise--Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the
thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point.
* * * * *
There is as much strength in an egg as in a pound of meat.
Gotabug--I should say so. I've smelt eggs that had more strength
than a hundred pounds of beef.
* * * * *
A sporty young fellow named Phipps
Last night went to view the eclipse.
The moon looked so queer.
He set up a cheer,
The truth was he'd been taking nips.
* * * * *
"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs.
Lookyoung to her friend.
"Why not?" said the other. "He's awfully interesting."
"I know it," said Mrs. Lookyoung, "but I never sit next to him at
dinner but that he blurts out something like, 'You remember back
in the old pioneer days!'"
* * * * *
Mary had a little waist
Where waists were meant to grow,
And everywhere the fashions went
Her waist was sure to go.
* * * * *
"This is an interesting clock, Miss," said the salesman, "you
really should have one, especially if you're bothered with
tiresome callers."
"It's merely a cuckoo clock, isn't it?" asked Miss May Pechis.
"Yes, but beginning at 10 P.M., instead of saying 'cuck-koo'
every quarter hour it yells: 'Go home! Go home!'"
* * * * *
Mike--Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn't got an enemy in the
world.
Pat--What did he die of?
Mike--Oh; he wur killed in a foight.
* * * * *
"You shouldn't drink your whiskey without water."
"Why not?"
"You'll ruin the coat of your stomach."
"Oh, well-it's an old coat, anyhow."
* * * * *
"Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water
pitchers?" asked the inquisitive girl.
"Those," answered the wise woman, "are for men who have promised
that they will confine their smoking to one pipe after each
meal."
* * * * *
The detective at the boarding house table having satisfied
himself that nobody had observed him, folded up his magnifying
glass and put it back in his pocket.
"Yes," he said to himself, "they've got the same girl they had
when I was here two years ago. I recognize her thumb print in the
butter."
* * * * *
"Pa, what branches did you take when you went to school?"
"I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little
log school-house they used mostly hickory and beech and willow."
* * * * *
"Did you ever consider the case of the boy who stood on the
burning deck?"
"Not particularly. Why?"
"Well, the game was poker and the hand had been dealt from the
burning deck was a corker; so, as he didn't want to lose any
chances, he--but you see?"
"I don't know as I do."
"Why, he stood pat."
* * * * *
The Governess--What happened when the man killed the goose that
laid the golden egg, Margie?
Little Margie--Why, I guess his goose was cooked.
* * * * *
"Our new Congressman has made himself very popular."
"What has he done?"
"Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a man to ask
for a haircut or shampoo on Saturday afternoon."
* * * * *
"In my business," said the stock broker, "It is impossible to
succeed without pluck."
"Huh!" snorted the man who had been up against it, "you mean
'plucking,' don't you?"
* * * * *
Servant--The plumber says this check should be $5 more.
Castleton--But it's the amount asked for.
"Yes, sir. But you've kept him waitin' for nearly an
hour."--_Life._
* * * * *
Tom--What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning
that you were broke.
Jack--Well, I want you to understand that Japan isn't the only
one that can borrow money.
* * * * *
"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day.
Haven't you ever seen him?"
"No, but I've seen caricatures of him."
"Oh, they flatter him. You should see him."
* * * * *
SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS.
1--Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter.
2--Guests wishing to get up without being called can have
self-raising flour for supper.
3--The hotel is supported by a beautiful cemetery; hearses to
hire, 25c. a day.
4--Guests wishing to do a little driving will find a hammer and
nails in the closet.
5--If the room gets too warm, open the window and see the fire
escape.
6--If you're fond of athletics and like good jumping, lift the
mattress and see the bed spring.
7--If your lamp goes out, take a feather out of the pillow; that's
light enough for any room.
8--Any one troubled with nightmare will find a halter on the
bed-post.
9--Don't worry about paying your bill; the house is supported by
the foundation.
J. WISE, Prop.
* * * * *
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