“Very good,” he ses; “p'r'aps I'll be able to convince you arter all. By
the way, wot do you call your wife? Missis?”
“Yes,” I ses, staring at him. “But wot's it got to do with you?”
“Nothing,” he ses. “Nothing. Only I'm going to try the poll-parrot voice
and the sawdust walk on her, that's all. If I can deceive 'er that'll
settle it.”
“Deceive _her_?” I ses. “Do you think I'm going to let you go round to
my 'ouse and get me into trouble with the missis like that? Why, you
must be crazy; that dancing must 'ave got into your 'ead.”
“Where's the 'arm?” he ses, very sulky.
“_'Arm_?” I ses. “I won't 'ave it, that's all; and if you knew my missis
you'd know without any telling.”
“I'll bet you a pound to a sixpence she wouldn't know me,” he ses, very
earnest.
“She won't 'ave the chance,” I ses, “so that's all about it.”
He stood there argufying for about ten minutes; but I was as firm as a
rock. I wouldn't move an inch, and at last, arter we was both on the
point of losing our tempers, he picked up his bag and said as 'ow he
must be getting off 'ome.
“But ain't you going to take those things off fust?” I ses.
“No,” he ses, smiling. “I'll wait till I get 'ome. Ta-ta.”
He put 'is bag on 'is shoulder and walked to the gate, with me follering
of 'im.
“I expect I shall see a cab soon,” he ses. “Good-bye.”
“Wot are you laughing at?” I ses.
“On'y thoughts,” he ses.
“'Ave you got far to go?' I ses.
“No; just about the same distance as you 'ave,” he ses, and he went off
spluttering like a soda-water bottle.
I took the broom and 'ad a good sweep-up arter he 'ad gorn, and I was
just in the middle of it when the cook and the other two chaps from the
_Saltram_ came back, with three other sailormen and a brewer's drayman
they 'ad brought to see me DANCE!
“Same as you did a little while ago, Bill,” ses the cook, taking out 'is
beastly mouth-orgin and wiping it on 'is sleeve. “Wot toon would you
like?”
I couldn't get away from 'em, and when I told them I 'ad never danced in
my life the cook asked me where I expected to go to. He told the drayman
that I'd been dancing like a fairy in sea-boots, and they all got in
front of me and wouldn't let me pass. I lost my temper at last, and,
arter they 'ad taken the broom away from me and the drayman and one o'
the sailormen 'ad said wot they'd do to me if I was on'y fifty years
younger, they sheered off.
I locked the gate arter 'em and went back to the office, and I 'adn't
been there above 'arf an hour when somebody started ringing the
gate-bell as if they was mad. I thought it was the cook's lot come back
at fust, so I opened the wicket just a trifle and peeped out. There was
a 'ansom-cab standing outside, and I 'ad hardly got my nose to the crack
when the actor-chap, still in my clothes, pushed the door open and
nipped in.
“You've lost,” he ses, pushing the door to and smiling all over.
“Where's your sixpence?”
“_Lost_?” I ses, hardly able to speak. “D'ye mean to tell me you've
been to my wife arter all—arter all I said to you?”
“I do,” he ses, nodding, and smiling agin. “They were both deceived as
easy as easy.”
“_Both_?” I ses, staring at 'im. “Both wot? 'Ow many wives d'ye think
I've got? Wot d'ye mean by it?”
“Arter I left you,” he ses, giving me a little poke in the ribs, “I
picked up a cab and, fust leaving my bag at Aldgate, I drove on to your
'ouse and knocked at the door. I knocked twice, and then an
angry-looking woman opened it and asked me wot I wanted.
“'It's all right, missis,' I ses. 'I've got 'arf an hour off, and I've
come to take you out for a walk.'
“_'Wot_?' she ses, drawing back with a start.
“'Just a little turn round to see the shops,' I ses; 'and if there's
anything particler you'd like and it don't cost too much, you shall 'ave
it.'
“I thought at fust, from the way she took it, she wasn't used to you
giving 'er things.
“'Ow dare you!' she ses. 'I'll 'ave you locked up. 'Ow dare you insult a
respectable married woman! You wait till my 'usband comes 'ome.'
“'But I am your 'usband,' I ses. 'Don't you know me, my pretty? Don't
you know your pet sailor-boy?'
“She gave a screech like a steam-injin, and then she went next door and
began knocking away like mad. Then I see that I 'ad gorn to number
twelve instead of number fourteen. Your wife, your real wife, came out
of number fourteen—and she was worse than the other. But they both
thought it was you—there's no doubt of that. They chased me all the way
up the road, and if it 'adn't ha' been for this cab that was just
passing I don't know wot would 'ave 'appened to me.”
He shook his 'ead and smiled agin, and, arter opening the wicket a
trifle and telling the cabman he shouldn't be long, he turned to me and
asked me for the sixpence, to wear on his watch-chain.
“_Sixpence_!” I ses. “SIXPENCE! Wot do you think is going to 'appen to me
when I go 'ome?”
“Oh, I 'adn't thought o' that,” he ses. “Yes, o' course.”
“Wot about my wife's jealousy?” I ses. “Wot about the other, and her
'usband, a cooper as big as a 'ouse?”
“Well, well,” he ses, “one can't think of everything. It'll be all the
same a hundred years hence.”
“Look 'ere,” I ses, taking 'is shoulder in a grip of iron. “You come
back with me now in that cab and explain. D'ye see? That's wot you've
got to do.”
“All right,” he ses; “certainly. Is—is the husband bad-tempered?”
“You'll see,” I ses; “but that's your business. Come along.”
“With pleasure,” he ses, 'elping me in. “'Arf a mo' while I tell the
cabby where to drive to.”
He went to the back o' the cab, and afore I knew wot had 'appened the
'orse had got a flick over the head with the whip and was going along at
a gallop. I kept putting the little flap up and telling the cabby to
stop, but he didn't take the slightest notice. Arter I'd done it three
times he kept it down so as I couldn't open it.
There was a crowd round my door when the cab drove up, and in the middle
of it was my missis, the woman next door, and 'er husband, wot 'ad just
come 'ome. 'Arf a dozen of 'em helped me out, and afore I could say a
word the cabman drove off and left me there.
I dream of it now sometimes: standing there explaining and explaining,
until, just as I feel I can't bear it any longer, two policemen come up
and 'elp me indoors. If they had 'elped my missis outside it would be a
easier dream to have.
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