Cupid launched his arrows with careful aim at times, at times
with casual disregard.
Today he launched no arrows.
His quiver was empty.
"Zeus, you've got to straighten out the postoffice. I ordered a
gross nearly an eon ago. And still they haven't arrived! Look at
me! What good am I without my arrows? What is Olympus coming to?"
"Now, now, have patience, Little One. Let me see. Ah, I have
it. Just stand by. Oh, Demo. I need you. I have such a nice
chore for you. Demo, get yourself up here!"
Demo grimaced. Just before supper, and what a meal his mother
had prepared. Surely there'll be nothing but leftovers when I
get back. Ah, unfortunately, Zeus was not one to wait.
"My lad, we have a major problem. A work stoppage! Our mail
system is old, archaic, obsolete - besides which, I don't like
it. Fix it!"
Peremptorily Zeus turned, walked through the nearest wall and
disappeared from view.
Demo blinked. Such abruptness would be unpardonable in a lesser
entity. At times one must bear with Zeus. He had his - eh,
eccentricities.
"It's the rain! No, it's the snow! No, it's the dark of
night!" The postmaster explained the reasons for such poor
service. His subservients listened quietly, nodded in ready
agreement with each of his explanations. Then they all sat back,
put their feet on their respective desks, and talked incessantly
about ways of solving the problem.
"Eh, shouldn't they be out delivering the mail, " Demo inquired?
"Well, yes, but we need to think about this big problem. The
mail can wait."
Demo looked at the postmaster, shook his head, and started for
home. He stopped. "Is there any mail for myself or my Mother?
I'll take it with me."
"Oh, you couldn't do that! Only we are authorized to deliver
the mail. It'll be along in . . . , oh, in a week or so."
Cupid's arrow are very effective. In fact, they never fail.
Unfortunately, they do have a minor weakness. Their effect is
not permanent. Thus Cupid must wander from place to place,
zapping the same targets from time to time.
That isn't to bad, as Cupid is fast, his aim is accurate, and
in an odd sort of way the victim enjoys the wound.
However, since he has previously inoculated his subjects, he
must use the same concoction as previously. Otherwise the spell
may work, but for an entirely different object of desire.
The problem with the mail was introducing another complication.
Cupid's spell was beginning to wear off for many a couple.
One such couple was Athena and Demo.
Not that they quarreled. Rather, as Athena phrased it, they
discussed.
The discussion became loud, grew heated, and Athena paced
angrily back and forth. "And I could have a God. But no! I
choose a country bumpkin! An insensitive, heartless, country
bumpkin."
Fire burned fiercely in her eyes as she glared at Demo.
"So he saved my life. Anyone could have done as well! Certainly
that is no reason to condemn myself to live with him for an
eternity. Look at him! Merely a mortal! And an immature,
childish one at that!"
Demo blinked, swallowed.
He had never seen anyone so angry. Not even Theresa the time he
spilled cold wine down her back. Well, maybe that time.
Nevertheless, no other.
This was indeed a crisis! Plainly, the mail system must be
rescued, and Cupid's arrows quickly delivered!
Demo began his task by doing extended research. His first step
was to read. History of the Post Office. Operation of a Post
Office. Management books in general. Operations Research,
Management Analysis, Industrial Engineering, Sex Life of the Sea
Turtle - Oops! That book was misfiled, on the wrong shelf.
Anyway, it was really dull reading.
He interviewed the customers of the Post Office. He interviewed
those who delivered the mail. He interviewed the managers. The
more they talked, the less he knew.
He attempted to examine the day-to-day operations. In spite of
his credentials as Zeus' emissary, he found little cooperation.
Organization charts were missing. Long term plans were
non-existent. Budgets were cursory documents. Balance sheets and
Profit and Loss statements were fiction.
The warehouses bulged!
The mail was accumulating at a phenomenal rate. The mail was
being delivered at a minuscule rate.
Fingerpointing was rampant!
Managers blamed workers. Workers blamed management. Zeus blamed
Demo. The people blamed everyone.
And Cupid waited impatiently for his arrows!
What to do!
He discussed the situation with his Mother.
"Why, dear, there really seem to be two problems. Delivering
the mail that has accumulated, and insuring that it doesn't
accumulate in the future. Perhaps you could burn the backlog,
and throw away all incoming mail for a while."
"Burn! Throw away! Mother, Zeus would be furious! Besides, what
if I burned Cupid's arrows? Athena and I might never be united!"
Nevertheless, he thought about his Mother's words. And thought
of a brilliant solution to the first problem.
"Sire, we need to implement a two step process. First, we
deliver all the outstanding mail. Second, we streamline the
existing system to insure we don't again arrive at our present
situation again."
"Fine, I like that. Do it!" Zeus seemed very agreeable.
"Well, yes, Sire. By the way, I'll need the services of
Mercury."
"Of Mercury! He's my private messenger! How dare you! How long
will you need his services? Ridiculous! When can I have him
back? And how do you propose to use him?"
"We'll loan him to the Post Office Department. He'll distribute
the backlog quickly and easily, and then we have only the second
problem to solve."
Zeus frowned, then finally agreed.
Mercury's transfer to the Postal Department was delayed. Not
because he objected; rather, because of the normal bureaucratic
delays. Eventually the paperwork was completed and the transfer
made.
The results were astounding. Within a day half of the backlog
was distributed. It seemed that the initial problem was well on
its way to being solved.
Appearances are deceiving!
On the second day the mail distribution once more failed. And
Cupid had not yet received his arrows!
Demo hurried to talk to the Postmaster.
"What has happened? Where is Mercury? The mail is once more
piling up!"
"No problem. It'll all be delivered in time. As for Mercury, he
was ruining the morale of our normal deliverers. I really
couldn't tolerate that, so I placed him in another department.
He is currently acting as our censor. Keeps his eye open for
anything that might be controversial. Why, he just found a
package of arrows! Never should have let them get into the
system. Directed to a Mr. Cupid, on Zeus' staff. Might well have
been an attempted assassination planned!"
"Arrow? Cupid?" Demo's eyes brightened. "Ah, where are they?
What did you do with them?"
"Turned them over to security. Right now they are rounding up
this Cupid character. It'll go hard with him, I assure you!"
The arrest of Cupid created a furor on Olympus. Zeus was
nonplused. Hera, horrified! Venus, however, was the practical
mother. "Zeus, you must go his bail. I know it is high. Still, I
am sure there are some celestial bailbondsmen who'll cover it
for a fraction of the total amount."
Reluctantly Zeus provided the gold.
The problem still remained. Find the arrows!
Demo rushed to Hades, where The Great Detective, better known
as TGD, a detective of somewhat dubious character had
established office. "Sir, you are famous for the divorce cases
you have supported, for the furtive tracing of vanished
criminals - indeed, for tracking down lost people and lost
items. Your skills are badly needed in support of Zeus!"
TGD smiled. "I am pleased that Zeus has need of me. I would be
better pleased if he were to allow me to relocate my office to
Olympus. However, for a reasonable fee, I shall be glad to
locate the arrows."
"The arrows? How did you know? Well, yes, the arrows must be
found. The world is approaching a level of desperation never
seen before."
"Great! Then my price shall be adjusted accordingly. Now, where
were they last seen? In whose hands? What was the intended
disposition by that person?"
"Come, boy, just the facts. Don't waste my time.
Though taken aback, Demo quickly supplied the information.
"We must act quickly! The game, to plagiarize, is afoot. Hand
me my cape, my cap, and yonder cane. Been at this too many
years, you know. Eh, my pipe, also, if you please."
"But . . . , eh, where are we going?"
"Don't be dense, lad. Where else - we're going to collect those
arrows. I don't charge by the hour, I charge by the case. So I
don't care to waste time. Come along, now, Wat . . . - Beg your
pardon, come along now, Demo."
Demo came along.
TGD had dealings with the postal system before. His
interrogation of the Postmaster was cruel. Without hesitation he
attacked when any sign of deviousness, confusion, or simple lack
of clarity surfaced.
"My dear sir, you're talking pure balderdash! Come, come, to
the point, man. Who was the last man known unequivocally to
have had possession of those arrows? None of this 'It seems
like,' or 'I think it was,' or any of that tomfoolishness. Who
do you recall with certainty last had the arrows!"
TGD augured in on the key contact, step by step. With each new
suspect he reiterated the above questions. His eyes were
brightening. He plainly had a clue!
Demo listened and watched. He was impressed by TGD's
step-by-step, inexorable closing in on the culprit.
Mercury recalled finding the package of arrows. In his job as
censor he had decided to notify the Postmaster. The latter had
called in the security department, and the arrows were
transferred to them.
"To whom did you specifically deliver the arrows?" TGD queried.
"Why, to Janus, of course. As doorkeeper Janus is in full
charge of security. Would I have delivered them to anyone else!"
TGD smiled. "Thank you, of course you delivered them to Janus.
Eh, did you ask for a receipt?"
"Ask for a receipt! From Zeus' own doorkeeper! Never!"
"Ummm. Yes, I understand. Thank you, you have been most
helpful."
"How long have you worked as doorkeeper, Mr. Janus?"
"Oh, for eons. Yes, for eons and eons! I've always been Zeus'
doorkeeper, you know. He'd never have another. Very pleased with
me, he is.
"Except that time I closed the door on his foot. Terrible
episode, really. Never cared for those sandals, myself. Don't
really offer much protection. Lost th' toenail on his big toe,
he did! It grew back, of course! My, but he was in a dither.
Said some dreadfully rude things to me. Even, would you believe
it, threatened to replace me!" Janus feelings had been hurt,
perhaps even more so than Zeus' big toe.
"Yes, I'm sure. Now about the arrows, Mercury gave them to you,
did he not?"
"Of course he did. Dreadful conspiracy going on. Arrows are
dangerous things indeed. I gave them to Ate for delivery to
Zeus. Blessed if I know what she did with them. Be very
careless, letting them lie around. Particularly after the
release of that dreadful Cupid. Was he plotting an insurrection,
do you think?"
TGD smile, turned to Demo. "We are closing in. Ate! Yes, I
might have known. The very essence of mischief. Let us first
discuss the matter with Zeus. We'll get no straight answers from
Ate, of that I am sure!"
Zeus received them with poor grace.
The love that Hera held for him was growing ever thinner. He
glared at Cupid with undisguised anger. "You should have had a
backup supply. Ridiculous to run out of arrows. They really
aren't that costly!"
TGD grilled Zeus with the same methodical approach he used for
all. And even Zeus was impressed, and finally cooperated.
"Demo, I am sure you will succeed. Indeed, he is TGD. Must get
him to find my wife's earrings. We'll work on that later."
"Yes, Ate did mention the arrows to me. Told her to get them to
Cupid, right away. But he claims never to have received them!"
Of course, Ate, true to the reputation for mischievousness, had
never delivered the arrows to Cupid. The noose was tightening.
The culprit was now identified!
"Ate, did Mercury give you the arrows?"
"Oh, no. Janus gave them to me. Perfect arrows, well designed
for their purpose. Plainly they belonged to Cupid. Talked to
Zeus about it, and I delivered them to Cupid the very next day."
TGD was taken aback. In spite of Ate's reputation he recognized
some semblance of truth in the words.
Cupid denied all. "Never received them from Ate. Never even saw
Ate. Dastardly lie, that's all. Finger pointing! Would ruin my
reputation! Ridiculous!"
Sitting quietly TGD listened, nodded. "Lovely place you have
here. Would you show me the house?"
"Delighted," Cupid smiled. "I decorated it myself."
Demo found himself blushing at the many statues and pictures.
They had plainly been developed with Cupid's tastes in mind.
TGD, however, had other things in mind.
"You've no mail slot in your front door."
"No, I'm a bit old fashioned. Mailbox is down by the road.
Retains something of the old rural atmosphere, you know."
They wandered through the house, from one erotic treasure to
another. Then they walked outside.
TGD admired the lawn, the trees, the white picket fence. He
opened the gate, reached in the mailbox, and extracted a
package. "Here, my boy. Your arrows."
Demo's eyes widened.
"Astounding, my dear TGD! But, how did you know? The mailbox?
No mail is being delivered!"
"Elementary, friend Demo. Of course you knew no mail was being
delivered. I know that. Cupid knows that. So Cupid doesn't
bother to check his mail." TGD smiled.
"And Ate certainly knew that! And I know Ate!"
"Thank you, lad. Never has my kingdom been so peaceful!" Zeus
was well pleased.
"Ah, sire, it is truly wonderful. Athena smiled at me! Oh, by
the way, the earrings. TGD says not to worry. Hera is wearing
them."
"Wearing them! No wonder she couldn't find them in her jewelry
box! I really must pay more attention to my wife.
"Oh, as for the postal department! I abolished it. Mercury is
now running the Celestial Parcel Service. Deliveries guaranteed
to reach destination before being dispatched! How's that for a
gimmick!"