Bread and Butter vs. Old Cheese.
I hadent got but a little ways into the Navy-Yard, when a soljer steps
up before me, and pintin his bagonet at my throack, said:
"Pass."
I stepped tother side of him to obey his orders, when he agin pinted his
gun at me and said:
"Pass."
Thinkin I was on the rong side of him, I undertook to pass into the
middle of the road, when he vociferated in louder tones:
"Pass!"
"Well," says I, by this time considerably riled at sich skanderlous
treatment at the _hands_ of this goverment, "if you'l stop rammin your
bagonet into my hash digester and let me _pass_, ile be hily tickled."
I was madder than if I had been a candidate for offis, and dident get
elected.
"See here, Mister hard-tack Cowpenner," said I, addressin him, "how dare
you stop _me_ in this ere outragous manner? You say 'pass,' and when I
try to pass, you jab at my innards with that mustick in a rather
oncomfortable manner. What do you mean?"
"I mean, sir," said he, sholderin his shootin iron, "that if you want to
go further, you must get a pass from the offis across the way."
"Oho! that's a gooseberry pie of a different flavor," said I, coolin
off; "why dident you say so before?" and I pinted for the offis to get
the pass.
After bein put through a course of red tape, such as feelin of my pultz,
lookin down my throte, and soundin me on my Spread Eagleism, I got the
pass.
While on my tower of observashuns, a mechanikle lookin individual
approched me, and says:
"Good mornin, Congressman WEBSTER."
I turned in cirprise, as several other men dropped their tools and
rushed out and surrounded me.
"God bless you, Mister WEBSTER!" said one.
"Make way for the noble and good WEBSTER," said another.
"Let me kiss the hand of the great statesman," says a third, fallin to
and gettin my thumb in his mouth.
"Mister WEBSTER, take care of me, I am yours to command," says a 4th,
who jumped wildly for an old tobacker cud I had just throde away.
On all sides, men was fallin down to worship me, just as if I was the
Golden Calf, spoken of in scripters, or else some great poletikle Mogul,
with a pocket full of blank commissions, ready to be filled out for good
fat offises.
All of a sudden, it popped into my mind that these 8 hour sons of toil
hadent heard that DANIEL WEBSTER was dead, or else dident see the joak,
when DAN said: "I aint dead," and supposed from my likeness to him that
I was D. WEBSTER.
I couldent blame 'em for makin such a mistake, when I reccolected the
time I was introjuced to the great man. It was when I was Gustise of the
Peace.
As our hands clasped each other, we was both revitted to the spot, and
the rivets was clinched tite.
"What! it can't be possible!" said Mr. WEBSTER, the first to break the
silence. "Well if you haint another WEBSTER, you'l pass for D. WEBSTER'S
bust, any day."
"And," said I, wishin to return the compliment, "if you haint _Green_,
you can pass any time for GREEN on a bust."
This was one of my witcisms, and it made DANIEL blurt with lafter.
But, Mister PUNCHINELLO, me and WEBSTER looked so much alike, that if
his tailor had sent him a soot of clothes at that time, I believe, in
the confusion, that just as like as not, I should have thought I was
WEBSTER, and wore off the clothes.
But, to "retrace my tale," as the canine said, when a flee was suckin
the heart's blood from his cordil appendige--
"Well, my friends," said I, humerin these men in their mistake, "what
can I do for you down to Washington?"
"Do for us? thou great and mitey!" said they all to once, "keep us into
offis--we 'go' _you_, Nov. 8th."
"Well," said I, "my good men, my word is law down to Washington.
Everybody respects the great DANIL WEBSTER."
"Eh!--who--what," exclaimed several.
"I say that I, DANIL WEBSTER, is great guns with the goverment," was my
reply.
"DANIEL WEBSTER be d--d," said the ring-leader. "No, Sir! ED WEBSTER,
the nominee for Congress, and Wet Nurse _pro tem._ over Unkle Sam's
family in this 'ere _nursery_, is the man we're after. Haint you that
man?"
"You don't mean the chap who was U.S. Assessor, agin whom I heard them
Wall street brokers and scalpers cussin and swearin like a lot of Rocky
Mountin savages chock full of fluid pirotecknicks, because he made them
pay a goverment tax?"
"The same! the same!" they all hollered.
"Well! sweet wooers of the bread and butter brigade," said I, "speakin
after the manner of men, you've got ontop the rong hencoop this time. As
Shakspeer, who is now dead and gone, says:--
'A rose by any other name
Is sweeter-er than I,
I've diskivered I haint the _game_
You want to see roost high.'"
They left me, yes, they left me. I wasent the man, but some awdacious
retch had sot 'em on tellin 'em I was _the_ man.
Surgeon GOODBLOOD, of the man o' war _Vermont_, then took me under his
charge. I found him one of them _noble_ docters, under whose
perscriptions a man could enjoy 'kickin the bucket.'
He took me to see the soljers drill.
"Thems the Marines," said he, pintin to the bloo cotes.
"Sho! you don't say?" says I. "Are them those obligin gentlemen who are
allways ready to listen to what is told 'em?"
"Yes," says the Dr.; "anything nobody else believes, we tell to the
Marines."
I mite okepy your hul paper tellin all about the war vessels, pattent
torpedoes, monitors, and sich, which I saw, but will close with the
remark:
That old rats never pile livlier onto roasted cheese, than a bread and
butter patriot does onto candidates who has the _cuttin_ of a good
_fat loaf_. That's wisdom which will wash.
Ewers,
HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,
_Lait Gustise of the Peece._
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