The author of _Headlong Hall_ has, under the above title,
produced as lively a little volume of humour and pleasantry as it
has lately been our good fortune to meet with. Every page, nay,
every line is a satire upon the extravagance and precocity of what
Vivian Grey calls our "artificial state;" and all the weak sides of
our age are mercilessly dealt with by the _coterie_ at Crotchet
Castle. The book is altogether _Shandean_, and the satire
_shandied_ to and fro with great vivacity. We need not tell the
reader what period or event of the last seven years is pointed to in
the following extract. Mr. Touchandgo, it appears, was a great
banker, who was "suddenly reported absent one foggy morning, with
the contents of his till;" his daughter was to have been married to
Mr. Crotchet but for this untoward event. Here are two of the
father's letters from his new settlement, and a reply:--
Dotandcarryonetown. State of Apodidraskiana, April 1, 18--.
My dear Child,--I am anxious to learn what are your present position,
intention, and prospects. The fairies who dropped gold in your shoe, on
the morning when I ceased to be a respectable man in London, will soon
find a talismanic channel for transmitting you a stocking full of
dollars, which will fit the shoe, as well as the foot of Cinderella
fitted her slipper. I am happy to say, I am again become a respectable
man. It was always my ambition to be a respectable man, and I am a very
respectable man here, in this new township of a new state, where I have
purchased five thousand acres of land, at two dollars an acre, hard
cash, and established a very flourishing bank. The notes of Touchandgo
and Company, soft cash, are now the exclusive currency of all this
vicinity. This is the land, in which all men flourish; but there are
three classes of men who flourish especially, methodist preachers,
slave-drivers, and paper-money manufacturers; and as one of the latter,
I have just painted the word BANK, on a fine slab of maple, which was
green and growing when I arrived, and have discounted for the settlers,
in my own currency, sundry bills, which are to be paid when the proceeds
of the crop they have just sown shall return from New Orleans; so that
my notes are the representatives of vegetation that is to be, and I am
accordingly a capitalist of the first magnitude. The people here know
very well that I ran away from London; but the most of them have run
away from some place or other; and they have a great respect for me,
because they think I ran away with something worth taking, which few of
them had the luck or the wit to do. This gives them confidence in my
resources, at the same time that, as there is nothing portable in the
settlement except my own notes, they have no fear that I shall run away
with them. They know I am thoroughly conversant with the principles of
banking; and as they have plenty of industry, no lack of sharpness, and
abundance of land, they wanted nothing but capital to organize a
flourishing settlement; and this capital I have manufactured to the
extent required, at the expense of a small importation of pens, ink, and
paper, and two or three inimitable copperplates. I have abundance here
of all good things, a good conscience included; for I really cannot see
that I have done any wrong. This was my position: I owed half a million
of money; and I had a trifle in my pocket. It was clear that this trifle
could never find its way to the right owner. The question was, whether I
should keep it, and live like a gentleman; or hand it over to lawyers
and commissioners of bankruptcy, and die like a dog on a dunghill. If I
could have thought that the said lawyers, &c. had a better title to it
than myself, I might have hesitated; but, as such title was not apparent
to my satisfaction, I decided the question in my own favour; the right
owners, as I have already said, being out of the question altogether. I
have always taken scientific views of morals and politics, a habit from
which I derive much comfort under existing circumstances.
I hope you adhere to your music, though I cannot hope again to accompany
your harp with my flute. My last _andante_ movement was too
_forte_ for those whom it took by surprise. Let not your _allegro
vivace_ be damped by young Crotchet's desertion, which, though I have
not heard it, I take for granted. He is, like myself, a scientific
politician, and has an eye as keen as a needle, to his own interest. He
has had good luck so far, and is gorgeous in the spoils of many gulls;
but I think the Polar Basin and Walrus Company will be too much for him
yet. There has been a splendid outlay on credit, and he is the only man,
of the original parties concerned, of whom his Majesty's sheriffs could
give any account.
I will not ask you to come here. There is no husband for you. The men
smoke, drink, and fight, and break more of their own heads than of
girls' hearts. Those among them who are musical sing nothing but psalms.
They are excellent fellows in their way, but you would not like them.
_Au reste_, here are no rents, no taxes, no poor-rates, no tithes,
no church establishment, no routs, no clubs, no rotten boroughs, no
operas, no concerts, no theatres, no beggars, no thieves, no kings, no
lords, no ladies, and only one gentleman, videlicit your loving father,