You are, let us say, a young professional man in chambers or offices,
incompetently guarded by an idiot boy whom you dare not trust with the
responsibility of denying you to strangers. You hear a knock at your
outer door, followed by conversation in the clerk's room, after which
your salaried idiot announces, "A Gentleman to see you." Enter a dingy
and dismal little man in threadbare black, who advances with an air of
mysterious importance. "I think," he begins, "I 'ave the pleasure of
speaking to Mr.----" (_whatever your name is_.) "I take the liberty of
calling, Mr.----, to consult you on a matter of the utmost importance,
and I shall feel personally obliged if you will take precautions for
our conversation not being over'eard."
He looks grubby for a client--but appearances are deceptive, and
you offer him a seat, assuring him that he may speak with perfect
security--whereupon he proceeds in a lowered voice.
[Illustration]
"The story I am about to reveal," he says, smoothing a slimy tall hat,
"is of a nature so revolting, so 'orrible in its details, that I can
'ardly bring myself to speak it to any 'uming ear!" (_Here you will
probably prepare to take notes._) "You see before you one who is of
'igh birth but low circumstances!" (_At this, you give him up as a
possible client, but a mixture of diffidence and curiosity compels
you to listen._) "Yes, Sir, I was '_fruges consumeary nati_.' I 'ave
received a neducation more befitting a dook than my present condition.
Nursed in the lap of haffluence, I was trained to fill the lofty
position which was to have been my lot. But '_necessitas_,' Sir,
as you are aware, '_necessitas non abat lejim_,' and such I found
it. While still receiving a classical education at Cambridge
College--(praps you are yourself an alumbus of _Halma Mater_? No? I
apologise, Sir, I'm sure)--but while preparing to take my honorary
degree, my Father suddenly enounced, the horful news that he was
a bankrup'. Strip of all we possessed, we were turned out of our
sumchuous 'ome upon the cold world, my Father's grey 'airs were
brought down sorrowing to sangwidge boards, though he is still sangwin
of paying off his creditors in time out of what he can put by from his
scanty hearnings. My poor dear Mother--a lady born and bred--sank by
slow degrees to a cawfy-stall, which is now morgidged to the 'ilt,
and my eldest Sister, a lovely and accomplished gairl, was artlessly
thrown over by a nobleman, to 'oom she was engaged to be married,
before our reverses overtook us. His name the delikit hinstinks
of a gentleman will forbid you to inquire, as likewise me to
mention--enough to 'int that he occupies a prominent position amongst
the hupper circles of Society, and is frequently to be met with in the
papers. His faithlessness preyed on my Sister's mind to that degree,
that she is now in the Asylum, a nopeless maniac! My honely Brother
was withdrawn from 'Arrow, and now 'as the yumiliation of selling
penny toys on the kerbstone to his former playfellers. '_Tantee
nannymice salestibus hiræ_,' indeed, Sir!
"But you ask what befell myself." (_You have not--for the simple
reason that, even if you desired information, he has given you no
chance, as yet, of putting in a word._) "Ah, Sir, there you 'ave me on
a tender point. '_Hakew tetigisti_,' if I may venture once more upon
a scholarly illusion. But I 'ave resolved to conceal nothing--and
you shall 'ear. For a time I obtained employment as Seckertary and
Imanuensis to a young baranit, 'oo had been the bosom friend of
my College days. He would, I know, have used his influence with
Government to obtain me a lucritive post; but, alas, 'ere he could
do so, unaired sheets, coupled with deliket 'elth, took him off
premature, and I was once more thrown on my own resources.
"In conclusion, Sir, you 'ave doubtless done me the hinjustice to
expect, from all I 'ave said, that my hobjick in obtaining this
interview was to ask you for pecuniary assistance?" (_Here you reflect
with remorse that a suspicion to this effect has certainly crossed
your mind_). "Nothing of the sort or kind, I do assure you. A little
'uming sympathy, the relief of pouring out my sorrers upon a feeling
art, a few kind encouraging words, is all I arsk, and that, Sir, the
first sight of your kind friendly face told me I should not lack. Pore
as I am, I still 'ave my pride, the pride of a English gentleman, and
if you was to orfer me a sovereign as you sit there, I should fling
it in the fire--ah, I _should_--'urt and indignant at the hinsult!"
(_Here you will probably assure him that you have no intention of
outraging his feelings in any such manner._) "No, and _why_, Sir?
Because you 'ave a gentlemanly 'art, and if you were to make sech a
orfer, you would do it in a kindly Christian spirit which would rob it
of all offence. There's not many as I would bring myself to accept a
paltry sovereign from, but I dunno--I might from one like yourself--I
_might Ord hignara mali, miseris succurreary disco_, as the old
philosopher says. You 'ave that kind of _way_ with you." (_You
mildly intimate that he is mistaken here, and take the opportunity
of touching the bell_). "No, Sir, don't be untrue to your better
himpulses. _'Ave_ a feelin 'art, Sir! Don't send me away, after
allowing me to waste my time 'ere--which is of value _to me_, let me
tell yer, whatever _yours_ is!--like this!... Well, well, there's 'ard
people in this world? I'm _going_, Sir ... I 'ave sufficient dignity
to take a 'int ... You 'aven't got even a trifle to spare an old
University Scholar in redooced circumstances then?... Ah, it's easy to
see you ain't been at a University yourself--you ain't got the _hair_
of it! Farewell, Sir, and may your lot in life be 'appier than--All
right, don't _hexcite_ yourself. I've bin mistook in yer, that's all.
I thought you was as soft-edded a young mug as you look. Open that
door, will yer; I want to get out of this 'ole!"
Here he leaves you with every indication of disgust and
disappointment, and you will probably hear him indulging in
unclassical vituperation on the landing.
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