_A military dissertation on a_ Cat and nine-tails. Tom _projects
a scheme against_ Mouse-traps; _and burns a great number of those
machines_.
A Cat and nine-tails is so well known to the common soldiers and
sailors that we need not describe it to them, we shall only say, that
it is generally appointed for the punishment of delinquents: It is
called a Cat and nine-tails, because a Cat is a vindictive creature,
and is supposed to have as many lives as the number of the Muses, but
why the number nine should be affixed either to this mastix, or those
ladies of antiquity, we shall by no means take up the reader’s time
in enquiring, but shall reserve that, among many other invaluable
arcana, to ourselves.
We shall however take notice, that this vindictive mastix, this
flaggellum, called a Cat and nine-tails is applied to the back, which
shews its original intention, however since unworthily perverted
to meaner punishments, was to chastise cowardice, or disobedience
of orders, because tergiversation or turning the back is an act of
cowardice and disobedience.
Had a common soldier been guilty of a manifest neglect or break of
duty, we are not sure if one like the above-mentioned general would
not have ordered the _Cat and nine-tails_ to be applied to the
offending party, but so it is that,
_Little_ villians must submit to fate,
That _great ones_ may enjoy the world in state.
I remember to have been once in _G——r_, and perhaps some of my
readers might have been there at the same time (in the year 1746)
where I saw a common centinel receive five hundred strokes of the
_Cat and nine-tails_ for killing his own pig; worthy reader be not
surprized, for in the same year captain P——n was broke by the same
governor, for having bought a fish. The governor was afterwards
broke himself, but he snapt his fingers at the disgrace, having by
all manner of oppression (for he was sole merchant, baker, brewer,
chandler, shoe-maker, &c. himself) amassed a fortune of sixty
thousand pounds during his short government; but the poor centinel
never received a sixpence for the five hundred injuries he received
from the Cat and nine-tails.
Our hero having finished his campaign with success and glory, was
one day watching under a farmer’s stack of corn, to take as many
mice, as he could detect in their rapine; which was not unobserved
by the house-dog, who being accustomed himself to such slaughter,
on the pulling down the stacks, judged this to be an invasion of
his rights and privileges. _Tom_ had killed above a dozen, of which
he had breakfasted upon seven, when Roger the house-dog came on
him unawares, and invested his sides in such a manner, and began to
worry him so terribly, that our hero, strong as he was, found himself
almost at the mercy of his huge assailant.—Tom’s cries brought to his
assistance three of the stoutest cats in the village, who attacking
the nose of _Roger_, did so lacerate that, and the adjacent mouth and
nose, that his yelling reached the ears of his master, who came time
enough to disengage him from their talons. Roger, finding himself at
liberty, would have run at our hero a second time, but our hero stood
his ground spiting at him, and raising his back (on which the hairs
stood erect, like a grove of spears) to an uncommon elevation. The
farmer, seeing the resolution of this gigantic stranger, admired his
intrepidity, and beating in the dog, attempted to wheedle our hero,
who, on receiving such civil treatment from one he had never seen,
and who had interposed between him and danger, advanced up to him
in a gait truly courteous and graceful. The farmer went before, and
Tom followed with all the humility of an invited guest. The farmer’s
wife seeing a great huge cat all bloody, and its hairs almost torn
from off its back, asked her husband in a very uncouth tone of
voice, what galligaskin of a bear was that he had brought home with
him; ’tis a fine cat, replied the husband, and such a galligaskin,
as had like to have killed your Roger; here Ruth, says he, calling
the dairy-maid, get him some new milk, for the poor devil has had a
dev’lish bout on’t. He or Roger would have died on the spot, e’re
either of e’m would have given it up; two such are not in the whole
world besides, except my birchen cock, and switch the greyhound; I’ll
match the four against the four winds: I suppose, said the gentle
dame, you’ll bring your plough-horses in the house next; you’re
become the jest of the parish already with your _birchen-poles_, your
greyhounds, your horses, and your matches. Is the Cat to run a race
next? See what the ’squire will say to you, when your rent comes to
be paid; cocking and horse-racing will pay three hundred a year to
be sure, and poaching will make a gentleman of you. Hold your busy
tongue, says he, what was we before the last hard year? Were we
worth a brass farthing, till corn grew dear? shew me e’re a farmer
of e’m all has made a better hand on’t. The ’squire! Don’t tell me
of the ’squire—what has he left out of fifteen hundred a year—have
not I lent him from time to time seven hundred pounds on the west
fields; and now he wants five hundred more on the great marsh to go
to Newmarket—Rent! Why dy’e talk to me of rent? Or what is three
hundred a year to me,—come, come, I dont forget, if you do—when you
was glad to millk the cows, and do the drudgery of the steward’s
house, and when I was no more, than _Joe_ the ploughman—now, d’ye
see, I’m another man, and you’re another woman—Hea’en send us
another hard year—and then we’re made for ever. Come, come, whatever
pets I have, I lose nothing by e’m dy’e see, and so take care of
the stranger—Ruth—wash him from the blood, and I dare say he has a
fine coat. _Ruth_ did as she was ordered,—she gave our hero a large
bowl of new milk, which he stood in great need of, having lived on
rapine and plunder like other soldiers, ever since he quitted _Dolly
Tinder_. But this rule of obedience was not the only reason why
_Ruth_ loved Cats above all things; there were other motives for the
extraordinary pains she took in trimming, and feeding our distressed
hero. She loved Cats, because her mistress hated them; she loved
sports, because her master was fond of them; but above all, she loved
ev’ry thing that her mistress hated, because she hated her mistress:
The farmer and she had got between them several sons and daughters,
and old _Jane_ his wife was an old maid, twelve years since—Ruth was
fruitful; a quality much admired by the tillers of ground, especially
to those, who deal in corn; honest _Joe_ loved young _Ruth_, much
better than he did old _Jane_, because young _Ruth_’s children, which
were numerous, were also very serviceable to his farm, and were
likely to promote his intrests by the income of their labour; _Ruth_
had been the refuge of the ’squire, from whom she descended to the
ploughman _Joe_; when a young girl, she was old _Jane_’s superior,
and during the time of her being the ’squire’s mistress, received
many a low curt’sy from her _new_ mistress. These were the springs of
action, and the motives of particulars, which swayed in this family;
so that old _Jane_ had little more power in the house, than the power
of her tongue, which she was determined not to part with, as she
thought it was the last prerogative a wife _should_ part with.
When she had washed, combed, and fed _Tom_, she introduced him; at
first sight _Jane_ could not believe her eyes, and when he came to
pay his court to her, she condescended to stroke him, saying, now
you may keep your pets to yourselves,—this shall be my pet for the
future,—take you no trouble about him; for of all the creatures I
ever set my eyes on, dogs, or Cats, horses, or hounds, game-cocks,
or what not, this Cat exceeds every thing, and I hope you’ll not be
running to my lady, to make her fall in love with it, and then give
it away, for I’m determined never to part with it,—Ruth, see is it a
he, or a she,—but no matter, I’ll keep it as long as it will stay
with me; and what shall we call it _Joe_? Well, well, says _Joe_,
if you like him take him, and call him what you please, you know
the dog’s called Roger, so as this is of the better sort, give him
a name yourself,—suppose you call him _Prince_, for I love Prince
_Ferdinand_, tho’ he be a _Hanoverian_: Then _Prince_ let him be,
said old Jane, for sure he is the _prince_ of Cats. _Tom_, tho’ he
knew his own name better, was no way ashamed pf this new title of
loyalty bestowed on him; but indeed he was too much tired to pay any
great attention to the encomiums which were paid him, he therefore
laid himself down by the fire-side and stretched his uncommon length,
beneath the feet of his new mistress, entirely resigned to his
present condition.
When he awoke, he, without paying any ceremony, either to the great
house-dog, who only growl’d at him, or to a little sheep cur-dog,
who run away from him, took a circuit of the house; he first
reconnoitred the kitchen, smelt to every thing, and among the rest
retired into the cole-hole, for reasons we do not think decent to
mention. However, as he knew, when he was clean, he took care not
to dirty his coat, or even his paws, because he found there a large
quantity of saw-dust, where he performed his lucubrations. He then
went up stairs, searched ev’ry room, and next proceeded to the
garret, where an object, which he had never before seen, presented
itself to his view. He walked round it, and round it, eyeing it with
uncommon curiosity.—He smelt to it, and found something in the scent,
with which he though himself very well acquainted, yet could he not
conceive, for his life, what connection this machine had with the
well-known smell.—At length he sat him down squat, as it were to
ponder upon this new phœnomenon; after many ejaculations he could
make nothing of it, and so retired into a dark closet to reconnoitre
its contents. While he was smelling about there, he heard a sudden
noise, and going to see what it was, observed a mouse hanging by
the neck in the machine: He then began to _smell a rat_, and is said
to have made the following meditation, in imitation of Swift’s, on a
broom-stick.
_A_ Cat’_s meditation on a mouse-trap_.
By what name to call thee I know not, but the use, to which thou art
destined, is evident as a mouse-hole; and who will after trust man?
Are Cats so scarce, that their proferr’d service stinks.—Suppose the
whole race extinct, would this admirable engine destroy the race of
mice.—Can this machine smell them out, follow them to their dark
recesses, sit over them, till they pop out their heads, and then
put them to the slaughter? The structure is indeed a proof of human
ingenuity, but is it not also that of their ingratitude, and is
thus the feline services repaid? If men lay snares and gins for the
vermin, which infest them, to what use are Cats created?
Suppose a creature to exist who lived upon fleas and lice, would it
not be cruel to interpose between him and his prey, by the invention
of wiles to take them:—Every one to his occupation.—That man should
boast himself on the notable discovery of a piece of wood fabricated
for such mean and ungenerous purposes! It is a monopoly, contrary to
the nature and reason of things, to substitute an inanimate piece of
wood instead of a living creature, made and intended for the purpose.
I will never _mouse_ more, let ungenerous man kill his own vermin,
and invent ways and means to bring them to his baits. I have done
with it and him, who thus plays _Cat_ and _pan_ with one of the most
useful domestics he entertains.
Thus saying he struck the _mouse-trap_ about the room with
indignation, and went down stairs in the sullens.—However he was
beloved by every body that knew him, this affair struck him to the
heart, and he loathed the very victuals that were brought to him.
One day as he happened to be traversing the purlieus of the village,
he saw a great number of mouse-traps lying in a window for _sale_. He
recollected the form of the machine, and no doubt, judged rightly,
that they were made there; upon this discovery, he went in the dusk
of the evening, and by a most vociferous exertion of his voice, he
summoned three-score _Cats_ about him, who were curious to know the
cause of this citation.
Tom was not long relating the occasion, and after having held a short
conference with the gravest and most sagacious, he appointed the hour
and place of assignation, which was at the _mouse-trap_-maker’s
house between the hours of twelve and one at night.—They met
according to appointment, when all the house was asleep, and he
shewed the machines, at the same time interpreting the use of them to
his brethren, and the next thing that came upon the tapis, was what
to do with them, how to dispose of them, and in fine how to destroy
them; and the result of this short conference was to burn them on
the spot; they accordingly gathered the chips and shavings that lay
about the shop, and dragging about two hundred of them, which were
finished, they in an hour’s time set fire to them all; as their was a
fire in the shop it was easily done by sixty Cats, who were as busy
as their indignation could make them, nor did they much care whether
they set the house on fire as they detested every thing in it, both
the house and the master.—But as the business was very hot so did it
over heat several Cats, who died of fevers, contracted by that nights
ferment; and among the rest our hero fell sick that night, and tho’
all proper care was taken to recover him, he died the third day of
his sickness, being in the year 1759, and on the 18th of September,
near two months after the glorious victory obtained by him in his
troops, and in the second year of his age, untimely cut off in the
bloom of life. He was decently interred in the garden, and tho’ no
monument was erected to his memory, we hope this our respectable
history will transmit his name to the latest posterity.