MR. WHITE:--The Optimists assert that this little world of ours, is
continually and most marvellously improving in every thing. But,
begging their pardon, I humbly conceive that this is claiming rather
too much for its onward march towards perfectibility. Many notable
instances might be adduced to prove that it is so; but I will go no
further for such proof, than to contrast the Dandyism of the present
age with that of the olden time. This term (by the way) although of
modern coinage, is but a new name for an old thing. So old indeed,
that, like the common law, it may be traced back to a period beyond
which "the memory of man runneth not to the contrary." From the
multitude of its votaries and the indefatigable diligence with which it
has always been practised, it may justly be ranked among the arts;
although we must admit it to be one of no very difficult attainment by
any whose taste leads them to prefer general contempt to universal
esteem.
The great aim of this art being to mar effectually whatever beauty
either of person or countenance nature has bestowed on us, the task
would seem to be one of very easy accomplishment for most men. A simple
disfigurement therefore, would be no indication of genius, since the
visages upon which the laudable experiment is most frequently tried,
require very little aggravation to effect the object. But an entire
metamorphosis in the appearance of the whole animal, or at least such a
change as to render both its genus and species doubtful, being the
grand desideratum; it is _here_ that the modern Dandies have betrayed a
most woful and egregious poverty of invention, compared to those of
former times. Of this I shall presently offer indisputable testimony.
The Dandies of our day however, may justly claim the palm of
superiority, at least in _one_ particular; I mean, quo ad, _the head_,
both inside and out: for, what with internal emptiness and external
whiskers and mustaches, many have contrived to render not only the
features of the face "perfectly unintelligible," (if I may borrow a
phrase from the Pugilists,) but to disprove the long admitted dictum of
philosophy, that there is no such thing in all nature as a vacuum. An
instance of this most successful _face-marring_ has lately fallen under
my own observation, which I will endeavor to describe, although in
utter despair of doing justice to the original.
Many months ago, being in a much crowded public room, I was not a
little startled by the sudden appearance of a most fantastic, grim
looking biped moving among the crowd, which I first took for one of
those strange animals then showing about the country, that perhaps had
escaped from his keepers. A more deliberate view, however, from a
corner into which I had taken care to ensconce myself to keep out of
harm's way, soon satisfied me that it was nothing more formidable than
one of those harmless burlesques of manhood called Dandies, that so
much resemble the Simia genus, as hardly to be distinguished from them.
It had two large ropes (as they appeared to be) of tawny colored hair,
hanging out from between the collar and the cheek bones, and reaching
down some seven or eight inches over the breast. These I at first
supposed might be the skins of a water dog's fore legs, forming the
ends of some new fashioned comforter to keep the neck and cheeks warm
in cold weather, to which these bipeds are particularly sensitive. But
upon diligent inquiry among several, who seemed to be as much struck as
myself with so uncommon and apparently formidable a looking animal
moving upon two legs, instead of four, as might more reasonably have
been expected, we were informed that these tawny appendages, in regard
to which I had made such an egregious mistake, actually consisted of
the united hairs of the throat and cheeks, so elongated by
indefatigable culture, as to produce the grotesque appearance that had
so strongly excited the wonderment of us all. The whole was surmounted
by a pair of mustaches of the same tanned-leather color; which so
completely obscured the countenance, that not a particle of it was
discernible but the two lack-lustre eyes; and _the nose_, like a sort
of watch-tower overtopping the wilderness of shaggy hair by which it
was surrounded.
It is the recollection of this never to be forgotten figure of an
entire stranger, seen for the first and probably the last time in my
life, which induced me to claim for the Dandyism of the present day, a
decided superiority over that of the by-gone times; at least so far as
the disfigurement of the countenance can go towards the establishment
of so enviable a claim. That it is indisputable, I think certain; for
neither in the pictures nor histories of past ages which have reached
us, can any thing be found at all comparable to what I have just
endeavored to describe, but in language so inadequate, that I am almost
ashamed to send you this communication.
The bodily disfigurements of our modern Dandies having a great degree
of sameness in them, and being matters of general notoriety, 'tis
needless to particularise them. But to give you an opportunity of
judging whether I have unjustly charged them with poverty of invention,
when compared with their prototypes of the olden time, I beg leave to
present you with the description of an English Dandy of the fourteenth
century. It is taken from Dr. Henry's History of England, and he quotes
Camden, Chaucer, and Street, as his authorities.
"He wore long-pointed shoes, called _crackowes_ the upper parts of
which were cut in imitation of a church-window. The points of these
were fastened to his knees by gold or silver chains. He had hose of one
color on one leg, and of another color on the other; short breeches
which did not reach to the middle of his thighs, and disclosed the
shape completely; a coat, one half white, and the other half black or
blue; a long beard; a silk hood buttoned under his chin, embroidered
with grotesque figures of animals, dancing men, &c. and sometimes
ornamented with gold, silver, and precious stones. This dress, which
was the very top of the mode in the reign of Edward the Third, appeared
so ridiculous to the Scots, (who probably could not afford to be such
egregious fops,) that they made the following satirical verses upon it:
"Long beards hirtiless,
Peynted whoods witless,
Gay coats gracelies,
Maketh England thriftlies."
I would add to the above what the grave Doctor says of the fashionable
ladies of those times; but being a great friend to the "womankind," as
that queer, caustic old Batchelor Monkbarns used to call them, I
forbear to run the risk of their displeasure, by disparaging their sex
so much as I should be compelled to do, were I to repeat the Doctor's
words. And now, my good sir, confidently trusting that you yourself, as
well as your readers, will admit the irrefutable character of the
proofs which I have adduced to establish my assertions, I bid you
farewell, and remain
Your friend and constant reader,