I was persuaded to send my son to Dr. STUFFEM'S boarding-school, in "the
salubrious village of Whelpville" (I quote from the Doctor's circular),
"where the moral training of the pupils is under the parental
supervision of the Principal." Since the arrival of Master THEOPHILUS, I
have just received weekly reports of his progress on printed forms, and
I presume it is satisfactory, although I do not precisely understand
these weekly missives, which are only a complex arrangement of figures.
To-day, however, I am favored with three letters which came in a bulky
envelope, and I append them, in the order of their perusal by myself.
The first seems to be written by a schoolmate of my son's, and was
probably placed in the envelope inadvertently by THEOPHILUS. I do not
venture to make any alteration in the orthography of the first and
second epistles, as I do not know what dictionary may be authoritative
in Whelpville.
"Deer Thee its rainin like blaises and I cant get out since I came heer
Ive had bully times and I hope Ill keep sik a good wile our doctur lets
me eat donuts but sez I musnt play out in the rain wen its rainin
farther told me Id beter rite to sum of my scholmaids and giv me this
hole sheet of paper maibe Id get a leter rote before dinner but I cant
tell you mutch wile its rainin Thee git sik and you can come heer to git
wel our doctur is bully I havent took no stuf but sitrate of magneeshia
and I don't mind that litel Billy Sims wot lives down by the postofis
has got meesils and you can ketch them from him if he arnt ded and then
old Stuffy can rite to your farther to let you come here and tel him
weve got a bully doctor Thee if Billy Sims is ded or got wel you mite
ketch somthin ells and its prime heer farthers got a gun and I no where
the pouder is bring some pecushin caps with you Thee or well hav to tuch
her off with a cole if old Beeswax wont let you come you mite send me
some caps in a leter don't mash em Thee doctur sais I wil be wel in
about a munth if I don't ketch cold but I can easy fall in the pond
before the munth is out Thee its hoopincof time and you can easy ketch
that you only hav to hold yur breth til you most bust our doctur is
bully for hoopincof.
"Thee weve got a barn and theres lots of ha on 2 high plaises were we
can clime up there arnt no steps nor lader and we hav to clime up poles
its bully Thee theres four cats heer and one lets me nuss her the others
is all wild and run under the barn we can hunt them wild ones Ive got 2
long poles to poke under the barn but I wont hunt the cats till you
come. I get lots of aigs up on the ha when it arnt rainin I got four
yesterda and sukt 2 and took 2 to mother the 2 I sukt was elegant but
one of mothers had a litel chiking in it.
"Thee you hav to come heer on the ralerode farther brot me but yore
farther needent bring you there arnt no plais for him to sleep but you
can sleep with me theres a boy sels candy in the cars and theres penuts
on a stand in the deepoe 5 sents gits a pocketful the candy is nasty but
its in purty boxes its ten sents theres a old wommen keeps the penut
stand but shes got a litel gurl and the gurl gives you most for 5 sents
don't let the old wommen wate on you but just ask the prise and then sa
sis give us 5 sents worth shes awful spry wen you git the penuts just
come out of the big dore of the deepoe and keep strait down the rode til
you come to our house you can tel it by the 4 cats if they arnt under
the barn but you can ask somebody ware farther lives his name is Mister
Gillander but these fools that lives about hear cal him Mr. Glander.
"Thee do come dinners reddy
"Yores afectionate DICK GILLANDER"
My son's letter, or rather the first draft of it, is not much more
artistic in appearance than the foregoing. He is evidently in the same
class in orthography with his friend, Master Gillander, and I do not
doubt that, under careful culture, he may emulate the various virtues of
his friend, and become, in time, an accomplished "aig" sucker. Here is
his letter in the original:--
"DEER FARTHER:--As this is the da fur composition doctur STUFFEM sed I
mite rite you a leter for my composition and I rite these fu lines to
let you no that I am wel, but one of the boys is my roomait and is gone
home sick but he is beter and has got a good doctur and be wants me to
come down to his howse pleas sir send me a dolar it is on a ralerode and
the fair is fourty 5 sents. I can go Satterda and come back Mundy and
there is a meetin house clost by dicks howse and they go to meetin in a
carrige and dick drives
"Yores respectful
"THEOPHILUS"
The third epistle was written on a clean sheet, the date being in the
middle of the first page, and the entire production bearing the marks of
herculean effort. I infer that this final letter was a "corrected,
proof," and had to pass a severe examination. Probably, this was the
only one intended for my eye, and I cannot account for the arrival of
the three documents, except upon the hypothesis that my boy heedlessly
and hurriedly thrust them in one enclosure, and forgot to remove the
phonetic specimens before mail time. It ran thus:--
"MY DEAR FATHER: In lieu of the usual essay required of pupils on this
day, my preceptor allows me to write a letter to you, which he hopes may
serve to evince my progress in the art of composition, the improvement
in my penmanship (to which he devotes special attention), and to inform
you of my continued health. Indeed, in this delightful locality, nothing
else could be expected, as Whelpville, being 796 feet above tide-water,
is entirely free from those miasmatic influences which unfortunately
affect the sanitary condition of those institutions of learning that are
less favorably situated. The only case of sickness that has occurred
since my arrival, and for a long time previously, was that of my
room-mate and friend, Richard Gillander, whose father has recently
purchased an estate in our neighborhood, principally on account of the
salubrity of our climate. But Richard had doubtless contracted the
disease, which was of an intermittent character, at his former school,
which was the Riverbank Classical Academy, at Swamptown. Our kind
preceptor allowed Richard to return to his father's house until his
health should be entirely restored. He is now decidedly convalescent,
and has written me an urgent invitation to visit him on Saturday next.
As this invitation is corroborated by a letter from Mr. Gillander to our
preceptor, I should be much pleased to accept it, with your approval. If
you have no objection to this arrangement, therefore, I will thank you
to enclose me one dollar by mail, as the railway fare to Richard's home
amounts to nearly this sum.
"Hoping for a favorable reply, and promising myself the pleasure of
writing you a full account of this visit one week hence,
"I remain,
My dear parent,
Your dutiful Son,