In view of the amount of crime which the detective police is apparently
unable to trace to its authors, and the number of criminals who
constantly elude arrest, Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs to submit an entirely new
and original plan for the prevention and detection of crime, which he
hopes will receive the favorable consideration of the powers that be.
In the first place, he would recommend that all Jail Birds be
immediately transported to the Canary Islands.
_Second._ The entire population of the City of New York should be
organized into a Vigilance Committee. This force should be employed
night and day in watching the remaining inhabitants and outsiders. Any
member found asleep on his (lamp) post should be drawn (by our special
artist) and quartered (in a station-house for the night).
_Third._ All residents should be compelled, on pain of being instantly
garroted, to surrender their valuables, and even their invaluables, to
the Property Clerk, Comic Headquarters, PUNCHINELLO Office, who should
be held strictly irresponsible and be well paid for it.
_Fourth._ Everybody should be instantly arrested and held to bail, as a
precaution against the escape of wrong-doers. It should be made the duty
of proprietors of liquor saloons to Bale out their customers when "too
full."
_Fifth._ Any person found with a 'Dog' in his possession should be
compelled to give a strict account of himself; the 'Dog' should be
Collared, sent to the Pound, closely interrogated, and his evidence
carefully Weighed. In cases of 'Barking up the Wrong Tree' the person
unjustly arrested should be indemnified.
_Sixth._ The City Government should immediately offer an immense reward
for the invention of a telescope of sufficient power to detect crime
whenever and wherever committed within the city limits. This instrument
should be placed on the summit of the dome of the New County Court
House, and a competent scientific person appointed to be continually on
the look-out, and his observations noted down by a Stenographer.
_Seventh._ There should be frequent balloon ascensions in various parts
of the city, under the direction of distinguished aeronauts, for the
purpose of watching the behavior of evil disposed persons. In order that
these aerial movements may excite no suspicion in the minds of persons
under surveillance, the balloons should ascend high enough to be out of
sight. They will then be out of mind.
_Eighth._ A Sub-Committee should be chosen, the members of which shall
hang about the various haunts of vice in back slums, and learn as much
as possible of the nefarious projects of the desperate characters who
frequent such dens. Each member should report daily, and if he is not
familiar with the 'flash' dialect in which thieves converse (which is
very improbable, if chosen as suggested), should take care to provide
himself with a copy of GROSE'S Slang Dictionary or Vocabulary of Gross
Language, which will the better enable him to understand it.
_Ninth._ A strict blockade of the port should be maintained, to prevent
the ingress of bad characters from abroad, and especially from the now
Radical State of New Jersey, with which ferry-boat communication should
be immediately cut off.
_Tenth._ A Reformatory School in which the Dangerous Classes might
(except during recitations) be kept under restraint would be a great
public benefit. The study of metaphysics should be prohibited at such an
institution. Burglars especially should not be allowed to Open Locke on
the Human Understanding.
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