"Tell the minister," said ANN to TEDDY, "to come in. If I don't get a
husband out of this _somehow_, I ain't smart. I'll just marry the man
I've got here."
ARCHIBALD sank down on the sofa, bathed in a cold perspiration.
"Oh, _don't_" he groaned; "you mustn't. 'Twasn't my fault; JEFF sent
me."
Her eyes flashed on him angrily.
"Yes, you helped JEFF set a trap for _me_," said she, "and you've fell
into it yourself. Come, here's the minister."
But ARCHIBALD didn't come, he only turned white, and made a gurgling
noise.
"There should be somebody here competent to give away the bridegroom,"
said the minister, with an air of annoyance.
"Sure, and it's meself as'll do that same," said TEDDY, obeying a nod
from ANN.
"Away now with sich modeshty, youngster. Bear up and be a man. It'll
soon be over. And if ye make a fuss," he added in a whisper, "I'll knock
the head off ye. Do ye mind that?" Then, as if relating his experience
to a large and sympathetic audience: "'Twas just that way I felt meself
like, when the knot was tied. Wake in the knees sim'larly, and a faylin'
like I was a cold dish-cloth wrung out. But Lord, he'll hold up his head
agin, _I'll_ warrant ye."
"Oh, why can't you let me go?" begged ARCHIBALD, "I ain't done nothin'."
TEDDY smiled. 'Twas such a smile as a dentist gives, just before he
swoops upon his prey.
"Did you iver now?" said he, appealing to the minister. "What a man it
is. As bashful as a young gyrl, without a mammy to smooth it over.
Steady now. There you are, as nice as a cotton hat," he continued, as he
put ARCHIBALD'S arm within ANN'S. "Lean aginst me as hard as iver ye
like, man. I well knows as I'll nivir git me reward in _this_ world, for
all the young cooples as I've startid in life, but, thank Hevins,
there's another."
The ceremony commenced.
What can one coy youth do, single-handed, against a woman who is
determined to marry him? Like the beautiful young lady in the endless
love-stories, who faints at the altar with her hard-hearted father, the
Duke, on one side, and the relentless bridegroom, the Count, on the
other, ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP was hemmed in by destiny. There was alas! no
steel-clad knight with his visor down, to rush in, and shout in trumpet
tones: "_Hold! I forbid the bans--_ To be continued in our next. Back
numbers sent to any address." No. Steel-clad knights are, unfortunately,
somewhat scarce in Indiana, and so the ceremony continued.
TEDDY was first bridesman. He not only supported ARCHIBALD, but he held
his head and jerked it forward occasionally, thus assisting in the
responses.
The ceremony concluded.
At its close ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP, according to the Law of Indiana, was a
Man and One Wife.
At its close ANN BRUMMET, according to the same Law, was a Woman and One
Husband.
The world is large. To a woman of her immense strategical resources this
was but a fair beginning. Blest with a good constitution and rare
matrimonial attainments, why should she falter in the good work thus
begun?
They picked the new-made husband up, limp as a rag, and laid him
tenderly on the sofa. TEDDY and the minister withdrew, and the Honeymoon
commenced.
ARCHIBALD began to recover. "Where am I?" he moaned faintly.
"You're married," said ANN.
He groaned, and wiped the perspiration from his pallid brow.
"Can I go home?" he inquired feebly.
"Yes," replied ANN. "Go, and when I want you I'll come for you. Tell
your _dear_ BELINDA that ANN BRUMMET, the poor relation, has got ahead
of her on _this_ heat. She didn't think, did she, when she was courting
you, that she was only just getting you ready for me?"
But before she was through, ARCHIBALD, moaning in broken accents that he
wished he was dead, had rushed frantically from the house.
ANN was congratulating herself on her success, when there came another
rap from TEDDY.
"Sure and it's your lawyer this time. Will I sind him away?"
"No," said ANN, "I want to see him. And bring in some oysters and
sherry. I'm getting hungry."
"Well," said the lawyer, entering and taking a chair familiarly, where's
your man?"
"Gone," said ANN.
"What! without the divorce? Whew! that's _too_ bad. How did it happen?"
"JEFF didn't come," replied ANN. "He sent a substitute. But I wasn't
going to be fooled that way, so I just drafted _him_ instead."
"What! _married_ him?" queried the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes, why not? DIGBY was here, you see, and I could not find it in my
heart to cheat the poor man out of a job, with a large family on his
hands, too." And she laughed.
"Well, that _is_ a joke," was the lawyer's reply. And he rubbed his
hands appreciatively. "Who is the fellow? What's his name?"
"BLINKSOP," said ANN, "ARCHIBALD. Oh, won't there be a row," she
chuckled. "He's engaged to my cousin BELINDA, you see."
At this juncture TEDDY entered with the oysters and sherry.
"Come," said ANN to the lawyer, "sit up here and have something to eat,
and I'll tell you all about it. TEDDY," she continued facetiously, "will
you ask a blessing?"
TEDDY closed his eyes reverentially.
"For what I'm going to resayve out of this," said he, "may I be truly
thankful, and, oh Lord! I wish 'twas more." And he went out with a
solemn air.
"Did I understand you to say," inquired the lawyer, after he had
animated his diaphragm with two glasses of sherry, "that this BLINKSOP
is engaged to your cousin?"
"Yes," replied ANN, struggling with a very large oyster. "I call her
cousin, but there's no blood-relation."
"When did the engagement take place?" he inquired, hoisting another
glass of sherry.
"Only yesterday; but it's pretty well known that she's been soft on him
for a good while."
"Has the engagement been formally announced?" said he, holding the now
empty bottle upside down, and squeezing it vigorously. "Let me fill your
glass," he continued, holding the bottle to the light and examining it
critically, with one eye closed.
"No, I thank you, I've got enough. Yes," she went on, "the engagement
was known far and wide in less than two hours. There was a croquet party
at the house yesterday, and BELINDA told 'em all. Why?"
"Because," replied the lawyer, setting his glass upside down, and
rolling the empty bottle along the floor, with a dejected air, "because
it may affect this marriage of yours."
"What, my marriage with BLINKSOP?"
"Yes."
"In what way?"
"It may test its legality," was the answer. "Mind, I don't say your
marriage is not valid; but, in this State, if a couple solemnly engage
themselves, they are, to all intents and purposes, legally married. In
New England it is even more rigid. There, I understand, if a young man
goes home with a young lady on a Sunday evening, it is considered as
good as an engagement; and if, on the next Sunday evening, he goes home
with another young lady, he is looked upon as a fickle-minded miscreant,
capable of ruining a whole town. Little children avoid him, and even
dogs go round the corner at his approach. Now, if this BLINKSOP chooses
to contest this, marriage, I think--mind you, I only _think_--that with
this previous engagement to back his unwillingness to marry you, this
marriage will go for nothing."
Having delivered this legal opinion with an air of profound wisdom, and
the most acute penetration, he leaned back in his chair, crossed his
legs, and regarded his empty glass as with the air of a man whose
fondest hopes in that direction had been ruthlessly crushed. And ANN was
walking the floor thoroughly excited.
"It's just my confounded luck," said she, angrily, "just as I was
counting on galling BELINDA, too. I don't believe," she added after a
pause, "that BLINKSOP'S got spunk enough to contest it."
"Perhaps not; but if he _should_----"
"Well, what shall I do?" she interrupted, impatiently.
The lawyer reached deliberately over the table, and drank the few drops
of wine that remained in ANN'S glass.
"Do," said he, slowly, "just what you were going to do, in the first
place."
"What! Marry JEFFRY MAULBOY?"
The lawyer nodded.
"But it's too late now. He wouldn't come."
"Try it," was the lawyer's answer. "_Urge_ him," he added,
significantly.
The woman who hesitates is lost. ANN hesitated, but she wasn't lost. No;
she rather thought she was found.
"I'll do it, old boy," she finally said, "if I can find him, high or
low. See here, if you don't hear from me, come here day after
to-morrow--will you--and bring DIGBY with you?"
The lawyer promised, and took his departure.
ANN immediately wrote a letter, sealed and directed it to JEFFRY
MAULBOY, and rung for TEDDY.
"Do you know of a man named JEFFRY MAULBOY?" said she.
TEDDY opened his eyes very wide.
"What, the Prize-Fighter?" said he. "It's a jokin' ye are; fur how could
ye ask that same, afther I see him giv' TIM MCGONIGLE sich an illegant
knock-down with me own eyes, at the torchlight procession in the fall of
the winter? And JIM, with a shlit in his ear as was bewtifool to look
at, jumps up, and says he----"
He paused, for tears stood in ANN'S eyes. The reminiscence was too much
for her overcharged soul.
"Yes," she murmured. "He was always just such a lovely brick, was JEFF."
Then she added, with an effort: "I want you to take this letter to him
the first thing in the morning. Go to Mrs. LADLE'S first, and if he
ain't there--Do you know where his folks live?"
"I do that. It's a lawyer his father is, and lives at Western Bend. I'll
find him, mum, sure."
"Do it," said ANN, "and I'll find _you_ for a month."
TEDDY took the letter and retired to his room.
"To JIFFRY MAULBOY the Prize-Fighter," said he, patting it lovingly.
"Well-a-day! Who'd a thought it now? _Here's_ somethin to be proud of.
_Here's_ somethin to boast of like, a settin' at the fireside, mebbe,
with me little ansisters upon me knees. 'And it's meself, me little
ducks,' I'd say, 'as carried a letther, with me _own hands_, to the
great JIFFRY MAULBOY, as wiped out PATSY MCFADDEN in a fair shtand-up
fight, and giv' TIM MCGONIGLE a private mark as he carried to his
grave.' I wonder what's in it?" he continued, holding it up to the
light. "Divil a word now can I see. That's illaygil, and shows there's
mischief brewin'. Now what would an unconvarted haythen do as hadn't the
moril welfare of the community a layin' close to his heart like? Carry
the letther, and ax no questions. But what would an airnest Christian
do, who's a bloomin' all over with religion, and looks upon the piety of
the public as the apple of his eye? He'd take his pinknife, jist so, and
shlip the blade under the saylin'-wax, jist so, and pacify his
conscience like by raydin' the letther."
Having convinced himself that the operation, viewed in a purely
religious light, was strictly mercantile, TEDDY snuffed the candle with
his thumb and forefinger, and spread the letter on the table.