_From the Notes of a Colleague of the Member for Barkshire._
_House of Commons, Monday, August 29._--I was afraid that TOBY would
give himself a holiday. For some time since the Whips have kept an
uneasy eye upon the most independent, the most talented, the most
industrious of their following. And now he has gone! "He will return--I
know he will," before the end of the Session; but for the moment he is
away--the deadly dulness that prevailed at Westminster a fortnight since
was too much for him; and so I follow him in the House--be it well
understood, at a respectful distance. His absence will not be pleasing
to any one--even the sprightly AKERS DOUGLAS, forgetting for the moment
the destination of votes, will regret him. But, as he good-naturedly
observes, under the impression that he is adapting SHAKSPEARE to the
exigencies of the situation, "Votes may come and votes may go, but the
Session seemingly goes on for ever!"
[Illustration: A. Ak-rs D--gl-s.]
To return to August 29. The Patriots have determined it shall be a grand
week for the "Ould Counthry." Many previous weeks have been equally
grand weeks, or as they would put it "months." When the SPEAKER took his
seat, scarcely a quorum present. Ministerialists "in reserve," (like
policemen when some one writes to tell Sir C. WARREN he is going to
demonstrate in Trafalgar Square) in various parts of the House.
Gladstonian Whips well _en evidence_ to act as guides to sole
representatives of the Non-Dissentient Liberals, WOODALL and CHILDERS.
Unprejudiced North Briton DOUGLAS CRAWFORD has a question for young
NORTHCOTE about pig-iron and coal. Seemingly Scotch firms have been
overlooked. Surveyor-General of Ordnance very gravely answers question,
goes home and tenders his resignation, "in consequence of recommendation
of Committee reporting upon War Office organising and suggesting
changes." NORTHCOTE had enough of it. Couldn't even say something funny
about "burning questions _re_ coal generally ending in smoke."
After JOICEY had wanted to know why great guns should be let off at
Tynemouth Castle, and STANHOPE had promised that for the future they
should be fired (if possible) in a whisper ("Savours of a bang," put in
CHILDERS, _sotto voce_), the Irish gentlemen got to their favourite
sport, KING-HARMAN baiting. They had one or two good sets-to, making it
particularly unpleasant for the Under Secretary about the trial of
O'BRIEN, Resident Magistrates, and Horse-breeding. But this "illigant
divarsion" was only a sort of _hors d'oeuvres_ to the _piece de
resistance_, "Supply--Irish Votes," which was as strong and savoury as
the National Stew itself.
DILLON began the ball by moving a reduction of the Constabulary Votes,
saying that the chief duties of the officers were, driving out with the
Country Gentlemen, flirting with all the Young Girls, and shooting with
the Landlords.
[Illustration: H. N-rthc-te.]
"Ah, so it is," said JOSEPH GILLIS, with a flush of scarlet indignation
mounting his noble brow, "It's not the driving and shooting I object
to--it's the flirting!"
JOSEPH GILLIS is very excitable when the fair sex is mentioned, and no
doubt meant what he said.
TIM HEALY followed on, regretting that GRANDOLPH was not there, no doubt
for the same reason that the Irish gentleman with a shillelagh was sorry
to see no bald pates neat and handy. He said that the Boycotted were the
happiest inmates of the distressful country, possibly feeling that they
had plenty of time for drinking and fighting.
Then the various votes were taken and "talked at," in the customary way
until the hands of the clock marked Three in the morning. Whenever a
chance showed itself of a war-whoop--whiz--and down came the club upon
somebody--anybody. A couple of hours after midnight the Irishmen became
more conciliatory, soothed by the thought that on the following evening
they would have KING-HARMAN at their mercy.
"He will take a deal of bating," said TIM, "but whist, you will see how
I shall get at him. He's been to Cremorne----"
"Fie, for shame!" cried JOSEPH GILLIS, "don't talk of such sinful
places!"
[Illustration: Sm-ll and B-gg-r.]
_Tuesday._--Lords had a real good afternoon's work. The LORD CHANCELLOR
(with his usual grace--rather suggestive of the _pavan_ in the Gray's
Inn Maske) took his seat at 4.30. Squabble about the Woman's Suffrage
Bill, which, after being deferred for six months, had come up
again--scowling. Lord DENMAN proposed "previous question," but LORD
CHANCELLOR (great tactician, but not great lawyer) suggested the matter
should stand over until the next sitting. Reproach of "got no work to
do" consequently removed from the Upper House.
Lords adjourned at Five o'Clock for a week, to recover from their
exertions.
"Whist, bhoys, be aisy now," said TIM, in the Commons, when KING-HARMAN
was seen going to his dinner. Then came the deluge.
"It is grand, Sorr," said the only Home-Ruler who does not use an
accent; "it is just illigant, Sorr; and it's myself is proud of this
day."
TIM walked into the Under Secretary with "joy." He "scathed" him, and
said all manner of things about him. He used, amongst other weapons his
legal knowledge (TIM is a great authority upon all legal questions) to
describe him as a "returned convict."
"Look at that now!" observed JOSEPH GILLIS. "It's disgraceful that we
should be ruled by a man who has assaulted the perlice!"
In the midst of the excitement KING-HARMAN suddenly returned from his
dinner. No doubt he had sacrificed, in his haste to defend himself, or
rather, what the only Home-Ruler who does not use an accent calls his
"Ka-rack-tare," from the aspersions of the "inimy," three courses, a
dessert, to say nothing of a cup of coffee and a _chasse_. He drew a
picture of being a lad of two-and-twenty when he assaulted the police at
Cremorne. Would not Hon. Members of Home-Rule persuasion have done the
same at that age? Indignant denial of the entire Home-Rule Party, who
are horrified this suggestion! "Would _they_ tread on the tail of
anybody's coat? And at two-and-twenty? Look at that, now! Bedad! they
would just like to get at the Under Secretary's head with a shillelagh
for making such a suggestion."
And so the war was carried on, TIM'S heart being at last softened by
KING-HARMAN declaring that he had saved him from ill-treatment at
Dungannon at the hands of some gentlemen who wanted to show him "how to
cheer for the QUEEN" with a stick. "I got hold of the men by the neck
and hurled them back," cried KING-HARMAN, unsuccessfully controlling his
emotion, "and now he--he--he says I got into a ro--ow--ow at Cremorne."
[Illustration: M-tth-ws.]
"Craymorne, not Cremorne," shouted the Home-Rulers who are proud of
accuracy.
And while all this excitement reigned around, the HOME SECRETARY sat
smiling, glad for once and away to be out of his customary hot corner.
However, all passed off peacefully and no bones were broken.
_Thursday._--House very thin during Question Time, and attendance of
Ministerialists during the entire sitting very scanty, considering the
programme. Then there was an incident. Incident came about this way.
DILLON had been seen during hour allowed for Minister-baiting reading
the huge print of an enormous green placard. First impression he had
grown short-sighted, and required larger type; second, that he meant
mischief. Second impression right one. So to raise the question of the
proclamation of the Ennis County Clare Meeting he asked permission to
move adjournment of debate. SPEAKER put it, were there requisite number
of Members present ready to sanction a regular first-class, A 1,
whack-where-you-will, go-as-you-please, Irish row? SPEAKER used more
Parliamentary language than this, but that was about his meaning. Sixty
Members sprang to their feet to testify their desire not to quarrel, but
to uphold constitutional privileges in the most peaceable manner in the
world. And then the row began.
DILLON had first shot. Meeting was to be of the most peaceful character.
All that the boys wanted to do was to remind one another of their
inalienable right to denounce the wanton and overbearing conduct of the
Government. They would say this in the most illigant manner imaginable,
without giving offence to anybody. He was going to speak to the boys
himself, and so was Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, and so was Mr. PHILIP STANHOPE.
Sure, now, what harm could there be, especially as the meeting was not
to be held in a part of the country that wanted pacifying? And because
some rack-renting landlords, wild with fury, and shaking in their shoes
with apprehension, asked for it to be proclaimed, it was to be! Could
this be tolerated? No! He would be off that very evening to brave the
bayonet, the buckshot, the battle and the breeze!
BALFOUR mildly remonstrating. Ennis, County Clare, best possible place
in the world; but meeting might cause peasantry to lose the Arcadian
innocence for which they are at present distinguished. Murmurs from
Home-Rulers, and, later on, "outrage" by PHIL STANHOPE, who actually had
the audacity to speak of Chief Secretary as a "whimsical and
lackadaisical gentleman." The SPEAKER sprang to his feet, and sharply
rebuked the outrager. Only fancy! Calling ARTHUR BALFOUR'S manner
whimsical! and lackadaisical! So monstrous! So blood-curdling! so
untrue!
The usual gentlemen who patronise the "divarsion" having had their full
share of the fun, the debate was brought to a conclusion. Then the
gentlemen turned their attention to the remaining Irish Estimates, and
enjoyed themselves until the next morning.
_Friday and Saturday._--Sittings at this time of the year get so mixed,
that they take two days to give a single date. Committee of the House as
before; Irish Estimates as before; "illigant divarsion" as before. And
so, half asleep, the remains of what, a few months ago, had been a
self-respecting House of Commons continued its dreary Session.
_Total for the Week._--Irish Business carried on in Irish manner, and
CHAMBERLAIN booked for Canada.
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