That evening--it was the first of her visit to Hilfont, and a perfectly
natural thing, considering the long affection between us--I paid Alice a
long visit in her own room. I might have done so, even if I had been
conscious of nothing to inquire about, nothing to suggest. It was rather
late when we all came up-stairs, and when I had seen Miss Polly safely
established in her easy chair by her fire, and eluded as well as I could
the story about Elinor’s (to wit, Lady Greenfield, Sir Willoughby’s
wife, once Mrs. Herbert Nugent, my cousin, and Bertie’s aunt) letter--I
turned back to the bright chamber near my own, which was always called
Miss Harley’s room. Alice was sitting rather listlessly by the table,
reading. She looked tired, and did not seem overmuch to enjoy her book.
She was very glad to see me come in, and, I suspect, to be delivered
from her own thoughts, which it was clear enough she could not quite
exorcise by means of literature; for it was not a novel, which there is
some hope in, but a wisdom-book, much esteemed by the superior
classes--one of those books which, if it has any power at all, excites
one into contradiction, by conclusions about human nature in general,
which we can all form our own opinions upon. I suspect Alice could not
keep her attention to it, hard though she tried.
When we had talked over indifferent matters for some time, my curiosity,
which I might have dignified with the title of anxiety, too, roused me
to closer inquiries than, perhaps, were quite justifiable. I knew that
after Mr. Reredos had spoken--unless, indeed, he happened to be
accepted--Alice’s lips were closed for ever on the subject, so I
wickedly took advantage of my opportunities.
“Perhaps ere long I shall have to congratulate you,” said I, “and you
may be sure it would be a great matter for me to have you so very near.
We should make famous neighbors, Alice, don’t you think? I may well be
anxious about your decision, my dear, for my own sake.”
“Mrs. Crofton, I do not understand you,” said Alice, in a little dismay,
looking very curiously and wistfully in my face; then, after a little
pause, a deep color suffused her cheeks, she started, and moved her hand
impatiently upon the table, as if in sudden passion with herself, and
then added, coldly, with an inexpressible self-restraint and subdued
bitterness, which it was hard to understand: “Pray tell me what you
mean?”
The contrast of her tone, so suddenly chilled and formal, with the
burning color and subdued agitation of her face, struck me wonderfully.
“My dear child,” said I, “I have no right to ask--I don’t want to
interfere--but you are sure to have this question submitted to you,
Alice, and can’t be ignorant of that now, that it has come so far.
Cannot you think what I mean?”
Alice paused a moment, then she cast rather a defiant glance at me, and
answered, proudly: “If any one has been forming foolish plans about me,
Mrs. Crofton, the responsibility is not mine--I know I am not to blame.”
“That may be very true,” said I, “but I am not speaking of
responsibility. Don’t you think, dear, that this is important enough to
be taken into consideration without any impatience of personal feeling?
Deciding one’s life by the ordeal of marriage is a human necessity it
appears. You are a clergyman’s daughter--no way could you fill a better
or more congenial place than as a clergyman’s wife. If I were you I
should not conclude at once, because, perhaps, in the meantime, of your
own accord, you have not quite fallen in desperate love with your
lover. My dear, you think I am dreadfully common-place, but I cannot
help it. Think, Alice!--you want a life for yourself--a house belonging
to you, and you only--you do! Don’t say no--everybody does; think! Won’t
you take all this into consideration before you decide?”
“Because I am going to have ‘an offer,’ and perhaps I never may have
another--because I am not so young now as to be able to throw away my
chances--and it is _you_ who say so!” cried Alice, throwing at me an
angry, bitter, scornful glance. Perhaps, if she had yielded more to my
arguments, I might have found it harder than I did now.
“You humiliate me,” she cried again: “if I want a life of my own, I want
to make it myself; a house of my own?--no I have no ambition for that.”
“But you falter a little when you say so,” said I, taking cruel
advantage of her weakness. “Now, we are not going to discuss the
disabilities of women. It is just as impossible for an unmarried man to
have what I call a house of his own as it is for you; and as for the
privilege of choice--good lack, good lack! much use it seems about to be
to poor Mr. Reredos! My dear child, don’t be foolish--there is your
brother Maurice with the most complete of educations, and no lack of
power to make use of it. What is he going to do with himself? Where are
the great advantages he has over his sister? _I_ can’t see them. But no,
that’s not the question. The Rector is a good man; he is young, he is
well off; he is agreeable. Your dearest friend could not choose a more
suitable life for you than that you would have at the Hilfont Rectory.
Now, Alice, think. Are you going to make up your mind to throw away all
this, and a good man’s happiness besides?”
“Oh, Mrs. Crofton! Mrs. Crofton! and it is you who say so!” said poor
Alice, with looks which certainly must have consumed me had I been of
combustible material--“this is from you!”
“And why not, my dear?” said I, meekly. “Am not I next to your mother,
Alice?--next oldest friend?--and next interested in your welfare?”
“If you mean that you have a right to say anything you please to me,”
said Alice, seizing my hand and kissing it in a quick revulsion of
feeling, “it is true to the very farthest that you choose to stretch it;
but that is not what you mean. Oh, dear Mrs. Crofton!” said the poor
girl with a rising blush and a certain solemn indignation wonderful to
me--“I can only say it again; of all persons in the world that I should
have had such words from _you_!”
With which exclamation she suddenly cast a guilty, startled look upon me
as if she had betrayed something and hid her face in her hands. How did
she know what was in my heart?--how could she tell that I was arguing
against my own dear and long-cherished plans, which I had made it a
point of honor never to hint in the remotest manner to her? But here we
approached the region where another word was impossible. She would not
have uttered a syllable of explanation for her life--I dared not, if I
meant to have any comfort in mine; I said nothing to her by which it was
possible to infer that I understood what she meant. I absolutely slurred
over the whole question--here we had reached the bound.
“Well, dear,” said I, “don’t distress yourself so very much about
it--you must decide according to your own will and not to mine; only do
think it over again in the fresh morning before the Rector gets an
opportunity of speaking to you. Good night, Alice--don’t sit reading,
but go to sleep!”
She raised her face to me, and leant her cheek a little more than was
quite needful against mine as I kissed her--and so we parted without
another word between us. Possibly, we women talk a great deal on most
occasions; sometimes, however, we show a singular faculty for keeping
silent. Next morning, Alice and I met each other as if we had never
spoken a word which all the world might not hear. We interchanged no
confidences, looked no looks of private understanding. Indeed, surely
nothing _had_ passed between us--all the world might have listened and
been none the wiser. What had a momentary emphasis, a sudden look to do
with the matter? Alice spoke nothing but her usual sentiments, and I did
not say a word inconsistent with mine.