SCENE--_Interior of a Publisher's Office, shortly after the
trial of Pinnock v. Chapman and Hall._
_Publisher_. We have given our best attention to your Manuscript of
a three-volumed novel, called--let me see, what did you call it? Oh,
yes, here it is!--called, _Haunted by Sixteen Goblins_, and we are
afraid it won't do.
_Literary Aspirant_ (_pained_). Won't _do_!
_Pub._ (_calmly_). No. Won't do a bit--at least, not in its present
form. You see, you introduce a Pirate Chief, named Captain WILDFIRE,
who lives at Singapore, and who murders the mate, the steward, five
seamen, and all the Passengers of the _Jolly Seamew_, the vessel that
he commands, and appropriates five million dollars belonging to his
employers, the vessel's owners.
_Lit. Asp._ Quite so. I thought those incidents would be rather
exciting. They're so new. Do you object to the murders, or what?
_Pub._ Oh, dear no! But now this name, Captain WILDFIRE.
(_Suspiciously._) Are you sure there is nobody whose name is at all
like it, and who also resides at Singapore?
_Lit. Asp._ I took the name quite by chance. I've never been near
Singapore in my life.
_Pub._ (_relieved_). Glad to hear it. One has to be so careful
nowadays. Here's an Army List--let us see if anybody called WILDFIRE
figures in it. Ha! What's this! "Major WILDMAN, 217th Hussars."
(_Gazes at Lit. Aspirant sternly._) Is your Captain WILDFIRE
intended as a caricature of Major WILDMAN, Sir, or is it not?
_Lit. Asp._ (_astonished_). Why, of course not! I never heard of the
man.
_Pub._ Very likely not. _We_ should hear of him precious soon if we
published your novel as it stands.
_Lit. Asp._ But what reason is there to suppose this Major WILDMAN has
ever been to Singapore? And how can a captain of a merchantship like
the _Jolly Seamew_ be confused with a Major in the Army who has never
commanded a vessel in his life?
_Pub._ (_doggedly_). All very well; but the name must come out. Then
I don't like this description of the Ninth Goblin at all. Where is it?
Oh, here! (_Reads._) "Even the cerements of the tomb enveloping the
form of the Ninth Goblin could not hide--nay, seemed rather to bring
prominently forward--the malignant expression of the one-eyed
face, with its crop of red whiskers, beetle brows, and low receding
forehead."
_Lit. Asp._ What's wrong with _that_?
_Pub._ Wrong! Everything's wrong! There are lots of people about with
red whiskers and low receding foreheads, and they'll all bring actions
of libel.
_Lit. Asp._ But _my_ Goblin has only one eye.
_Pub._ Well, so may they. They're equal to taking one eye out and
putting it back when the trial's over, if they thought it'd help them
to get money out of _us_. There may be a fellow called Mr. GOBLIN
somewhere, too. Oh, no; it won't do at all. All the chapters with the
Ninth Goblin in must come out.
_Lit. Asp._ (_aghast_). But that would spoil the book--it would mean
leaving out half of it.
_Pub._ Yes, it would reduce the bulk, no doubt. In any case we could
not produce it in a three-volume form. But we are bringing out a
series of cheap fictions, and we might include yours.
_Lit. Asp._ (_making the best of things_). Well, _some_ good books
have appeared in a shilling form.
_Pub._ Yes. But it's not a shilling form we should propose. The fact
is, that there is a great run on Penny Novelettes just now, and--
_Lit. Asp._ (_rising_). And you dare to propose bringing out the
_Sixteen Goblins_ as a Penny Novelette!
_Pub._ Certainly, and in view of the risk of actions for libel,
you would have to pay the printing-bill, and give us a contract of
indemnity in case your _Captain Wildfire_ did turn out to be identical
with some retired pirate who feels himself hurt at your description.
You don't think much of the proposal? Well, nor do we of the book, to
tell you the truth. Ta, ta!
[_Disappears into inner room. Literary Aspirant slowly folds
up his novel, and exit._
* * * * *
MOTTO FOR THE DIVORCE COURT.--Marry, and come up!
* * * * *